I know this might seem a bit of an odd post - a little delayed maybe, but... Here it is...
I was talking to a friend about her dog, about how he was 17 and despite spinal damage which means he can not use his hind legs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. After a little spate of ill health, he recovered fantastically with still, nothing wrong. Everyone was astounded. My friend was worried that she was being selfish keeping him alive but the vet was adamant, he doesn't have the look in his eyes that says he wants to go. This dog wants to live and is happy.
I guess every long time pet owner knows that look. I myself have seen it before. Let me go, the world is nasty, it hurts, it isn't going to get better, it is my time, please.... One of my beloved Amber's pups gave me that look after a short and vicious illness that would have killed him in a short space of time anyway but with a lot of pain....
This all made me think, with horror, my beautiful Big Dog didn't have that look. He was a dog that still wanted to live, that still loved me so much that I was the most important thing, whose pain was not so great as to deter him from the truly important things....
like...
getting up the stairs to be with me with a broken leg.
like howling and caterwauling to summon me to him when I returned home and grinning like mad...
like trying to dart into the kitchen for food as I forced him out the door to the go to the Vet's...
like trying so hard not to go through the door of the Vet's that I had to bodily force him through...
like cuddling me on the floor as I waited for the sedative to knock him over...
I know on one hand I should be pleased, there was no choice given by the Vet really, his prognosis was awful and his pain considerable. But the realisation that he wasn't ready is horrible. Realising all this makes me realise that if the tumour had been in a better place and amputation was an option, it would have been a good one to take, even if it had only been a few days before he got that look.
I guess the other thing is that it makes me realise is the huge spirit and personality of this dog and the absolutely ginormous love he had for me. He had been hideously abused before I had him and was covered in scars with several old breaks and a brand mark made with cigarettes of an M on his side. He was terrified when I got him. He grew to love and to trust others again. He loved life and he absolutely adored me. I was the best thing since sliced bread and possibly before it to - but maybe equal to steak....
An illness and level of pain that would have most dogs knocking at that door and howling to be let out and he was there, full of personality and fight and love. He may have in many ways been a slightly challenging dog (he had a pathological hate of most other dogs....) but my word he was one helluva character.
So I guess I know I did the right thing but would Big Dog have said the same if he could talk. I think his thoughts would have been that whatever I wanted was just fine by him. And that thought makes me cry.
The New Cottagesmallholder HQ
5 months ago
Oh Rose, big dog loved you just as much as you loved him. Keep the good memories and I think big dog would have said thank you for all that love after his horrid cruel upbringing if he could talk.
ReplyDeleteOh Dear...I somehow missed this one in my catching-up - so sorry....
ReplyDeleteI don't really know what to say -- when the end comes so quickly like that - the same was with our Rosie - and there's no time to think, you always wonder if you couldn't have done more...what you did was right, though....and the vet would have said so if he thought there was something else you could do for him....
When we went to say goodbye to Rosie she crawled out of the cage on her belly rather than have me cross the floor -- she was weak and starved for oxygen because she was leaking blood from her spleen where the tumour was but she summoned the last of her strength to come to me because she knew how upset I was. These 'damaged' dogs are so very brave - Rosie had no reason to think that the human race was anything but harsh and cruel, and yet she gave us a second chance and showed us what true forgiveness looks like. That takes a certain measure of strength, I think.
I imagine it was the same for Big Dog....his show of courage was for you because that noble heart didn't want you to know he was hurting.....
I had sleepless nights thinking of blood transfusions and splenectomies, then radiation or chemotherapy -- all treatment options for Rosie's cancer...except for the fact that it remained hidden for so long that it had already spread. I don't imagine any of those treatments would have helped in the long term anyway.....it was her time and she only held on as long as she did so that we could be with her when she passed....she died with her head in my lap, comforting me as much as I was trying to comfort her....
I know that Big Dog loved you with all of his battered heart....you gave him the gift of love when all he had known was pain and cruelty. He would thank you for that....and for sparing him further pain....
(((hugs)))), *sniffle*
xo
Thank you so much both of you. I know it would have been a horrific amputation because it was in the shoulder joint and I know it was thought to be already in his lungs but... I needed to remind myself of this, because he was brave and he didn't have that look...
ReplyDeleteHi I found you thru Mels blog somehow..and this post by chance...or maybe not...I have been struggling with those thoughts also..My doxie of 14yrs had mouth cancer..we had just moved and thought her behavior was due to being afraid..of the new place, becasue she continued to eat and play..but when we took her in they could not remove all of it in her mouth..and had spread...the vet suggested on the phone to put her down..I told him I had to be there..be with her..so I went..and she was so happy to see me..she seemed so well...but when the vet camein she knew..she knew and she climbed on my neck and i could hear her..so afraid..as I ytold her it was ok..she fought it..my husband had to leave the room...I feel soo guilty that it may not have been time yet..that she didn't want to go yet..I know it was the right decision, but she did not want to go..my other dogs were ready but she was not and I understand what you wrote..about the look...its been 2 yrs and I still cry and hurt about it...I know we did the kind thing..but its so hard to accept isn't it? I am sorry for your loss...that sentence does not really express it..but what else can you say?
ReplyDeleteHello and welcome Marlene.
ReplyDeleteI think there will always be a time when we have to make this decision knowing that it is best but not quite feeling it. *hugs*