Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Houston, We Have a Problem...

Last night F was at work. I had no commitments and nothing I had to do. The e-verse swallowed my night and I didn't even find the time to post. Even more bizarre, I forgot I hadn't posted.

Last week I didn't feel so hot and I got very behind reading blogs. Although I only had 24 hours maybe when I didn't read anyone else's blog it took me most of the weekend to catch up.

Life has started fitting in around blogging. I need more sleep. I need more creative time.

Blogging bought so much in to my life. My life was a little directionless and lacking in breadth. I quickly found that blogging helped me to think. It also helped me to prioritze and set goals. It expanded my opportunities and my creative life has gone from nothing to, well, what it is now. And without blogging, this would not have happened, at least not yet and not as easily.

Thing is all these good things blogging has bought me, have started to be eclipsed by blogging itself.

I love the people I have met and the friends I have made. Some are closer than others. Some blogs I just lurk on and have little actual contact with the writer. Some blogs I have found don't really match my interests as well as I thought. Some I still read because there is some occasional nuggets.

I just counted how many blogs I follow and was astounded to discover I was only a couple short of 100. OK so most of those don't post everyday but still....

I know some people decide to post less regularly so they can comment and be more present in the community. I don't think this decision would be so good for me. I have discovered that I need to write. I will obviously continue to comment and enjoy friendships where they may blossom but this excessive schedule of blog reading is just getting too much! The world is full of interesting people and I just can't keep collecting their blogs to read....

I have blog candy to make, pay it forwards to make, journal wrecking, postcrossing, my fairy garden on facebook, three different yahoo art groups, 101 things to do in 1001 days, a Little Dog to walk, an F to spend time with and a world to explore.... I want to do all these things and be fully present in the blog-e-verse but i can't, something has to give....

I need to bring things back into balance... I have a slight blog problem. Do they have a bloggers anonymous?

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Sunset at Godrevy




St Ewe

From the square to the entrance to the churchyard with the old post office on the right.

The square with the remains of an ancient cross, The base is also ancient and aligned with the compass directions, not the village.

One way out...

The other way out with the 16th Century pub on the left and the town lock up on the right.



The church with palms....


Place of ancestors. Where all but those too bad to be given an honourable burial now lie...

A special place. Looking along the boardwalk towards the graveyard....

Not the best photos perhaps but they are special...

Mevagissey

Fishing boat on the way in.

The lighthouse at the entrance to the outer harbour.

View of town from the outer harbour wall.

View up the coast to Fowey and St Austell.

View down the coast to Gorran Haven.

Sea....

The outer harbour wall with the lighthouse and view of St Austell Bay beyond.

From the town through the inner harbour walls.

Charles de Lint II

I have recently ordered a few books by him that my bookstore never stocked and I am beginning to understand a few things about him better...

This is a man who has a story and when e has it, he has to let it out. The story is allowed to be itself. It isn't shortened or lengthened to make it fit a publishers desire. Because of this his stories are often published by different publishers.

The ones I have read previously are full length adult books. They fall into two types, early works and later works. As he has developed, his full length adult books have become more complex and often are now told from multiple viewpoints.

It seems that full length adult works are not so much where he has been recently. He has been exploring writing for young adults. The main difference in these books are that the main characters are younger and they live the lives of younger people. The stories themselves are just as engaging....

So story length... Some stories are just short. They get published in all sorts of odd places but as a respected author with a little money behind him now, he is able to be true to the stories themselves. Many of the shorter ones are first published in chapbooks with beautiful (I imagine) artwork to accompany them and eventually they are gathered into a collection.

Some stories make short books such as most of the ones I have read recently. They are beautiful....

I guess if you have some idea of what you are getting it helps...

Soooo..... (not exhaustive!)

Early adult books
Longer
Moonheart
Greenmantle
Yarrow
The Little Country

Shorter
Wolf Moon
Jack of Kinrowan (contains two shorter stories)
The Dreaming Place

Collections
Triskell Tales

Young Adult Books
Longer
The Blue Girl
Little Grrrl Lost

Shorter
Dingo

Later Adult Books
Longer
Forests of the Heart
Memory and Dream
Someplace to be Flying

Shorter
Not sure! Have a lot of the later stuff to get...

Collections
Not sure... I think most of his later short stories are waiting being put into collections...

There are some collections but I am not sure which ones are later and earlier... (probably a mixture...)
Moonlight and Vines
Dreams Underfoot
The Ivory and the Horn

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Beautfil Day

Last night finished as it started really... With my stomach giving me trouble... Then I made it worse by letting the dog out in the dark and managing to kick my toe on something. Unfortunately I managed to get the one toe with a bad nail so I added a fresh cut to it.

So F came home this morning to find a tired me. We had a chat and a laugh and then he left me to sleep. I wasn't overly fussed about going out but F made it clear he wanted to so I suggested going to get an aerosol to clean my laptop. I knew something was up when he got his flip flops and the camera.

He wouldn't admit to a plan but we ended up in Mevagissey. This is a lovely tourist town / fishing village with a beautiful harbour which is still in use by fishing boats (we saw one come in laden with fish and sea gulls following it in trying to steal them). We looked in a few touristy gift shops at pictures and crafty things before heading to the harbour.

The first thing we saw of interest was a dogfish lying at the edge of the water being attacked by a seagull. We walked on round. The sea was as flat as a mill pool. The waters in the harbour were clear and allowed you to see the seaweeds turn the harbour into a forest with so many different types... We climbed the outer harbour wall and looked out to sea. We spotted a jellyfish drifting along.

Mevagissey has a lovely view of St Austell Bay including Gribben Head where a day marker stands. This is a huge stripey tower that used to be a lighthouse. The Fowey estuary drains into the bay and ferries run between Fowey and Mevagissey.

As we left Mevagissey I spotted a sign to St Ewe. This rang a bell as I had never been there but Miss*R who lives in Australia recently told me that the earliest of her ancestors on her family tree came from St Ewe. So I got F to make a slight detour...

St Ewe turned out to be a lovely village. The heart of the village is a square with the remains of a celtic cross. We entered the square between the village pub and the lock up and parked there. I dragged F into the churchyard where there was a beautiful and very traditional church which seemd at odds with the palm trees in the graveyard!

We wandered and looked at the intricate grave stones and then I spotted an opening in the wall and some steps down. I followed them and discovered a board walk a board walk through a wooded boggy area. At the far end was a stream choked with plants that obviously only flowed properly some of the time. It felt a special area to me...

It was obviously attached to the church and obviously attention had been paid to it in order tomake it so accessible. Most old churches are built on sites that were already considered sacred. In Cornwall the ancient sites were venerated and became holy themselves. This had the feel of a holy site, an ancient holy site.

The only mention of this I have managed to find online is a reference on this website to a spring rising in the churchyard. But it is there and beautiful.

So Miss*R can be proud to come from an ancient and beautiful village with a holy (probably) spring and an ancient celtic cross. St Ewe herself has been lost in the mists of time pretty much....

So we left and returned home where we grabbed Little Dog and went to the chippie before driving on to Godrevy. We ate and then took her for a walk up onto the top of the headland and watched the sun set and reflect gloriously off the clouds in swirls of fuschia and violet.

We would have stayed longer but a large insect flew towards us closely followed by a bird. The bird narrowly missed catching it because it decided it didn't want to collide with F. The insect flew on and the bird had another go but the bug flew to me and took a liking to my hair. It repeatedly flew at me even when released form my hair. It was the size of a large bumble bee but slightly longer in the body and it buzzed very loud and I didn't want it in my hair... So we left and although it hitched a ride on my back, we eventually managed to leave it behind...

Photos to follow....

Friday, 26 June 2009

Energetics

I must admit I am still feeling low and tired... F suggested getting chips and sitting on a headland overlooking a lovely bay but to be honest, I am too drained. I want nothing more than to curl up and hide away. I have him all weekend so we are going to go somewhere tomorrow.... He got up just now and I said in shock 'where are you going?' he laughed and reminded me he has to go to work to sleep. Still he will be back just after 8 and hopefully I will be just waking up at this time....

Little Princess was off colour today and I think I had lowered my guard a little. She came over to my desk at one point to get something and something about her knocked me for six. When she went back to her desk I was left feeling drained and knocked out of myself. Very odd. Not sure exactly what happened but I spent a few moments regrounding myself and moving energy around and I felt better. I think although i got rid of the worst of the disorientation, it affected me all day.

I think one thing she is slowly teaching me, possibly with a little help from my boss, is how to deal with different people's energies. I have had to get used to grounding and centring very quickly and surreptiously. I have had to become more more aware of the way other people effect my energy and emotions.

I still have some way to go though, but at least I can see progress....

I would love to know how long this crazy astrological thing is going to go on for... Is it me or does there seem to have been a lot of difficult astrological circumstances so far this year? Maybe I should learn more about it...

It is amazing how many things effect us....

I am still so tired though...

I am so behind on my blog reading...

Not like me at all!

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Tire-some

I nearly didn't turn on my laptop tonight. I didn't want to come on. I didn't want to do anything. I still don't.

I have slept badly for the last few nights. It started Sunday for no apparent reason but all I know is that I am tired and have had enough.

So I have posted comments without responding. I havn't read my friends blogs. I am not writing a proper post. I am doing the bare minimum, just so I don't feel that I have done nothing. I have the weekend to catch up,for now I need to catch up on sleep....

Sam was saying on her blog that the Solstice can cause dis-equilibrium in us because it is the most extreme that the planets movement gets. Holly commented that Pluto is doing some odd things and this makes it all worse.

I don't know about this. I don't have the enrgy to think about it but it rings true. The heat might not have helped. Or F working every eveing then coming home to sleep just as I should be going to bed. I havn't had an evening with him since Monday but luckily I get him tomorrow. It will feel good to have a face to face chat with both of us fully awake....

So all the more reason to go and sleep now so I can be alive and respond to him in a way that suggests I have some functioning brain cells....

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

News

I remember that first time I switched on the TV in Cornwall very clearly. I happened to watch the news. Coming from up country and having lived in cities it was all a bit of a surprise, but a nice one. The highlight of the local news seemed to be a cat being rescued from a chimney by the fire brigade.

No murders, no muggings, no ram raids, nothing.

That is not to say nothing nasty ever happens down here. A man in Carnkie killed his wife and children. IRA terrorists were found hiding here. People throw themselves off cliffs, one did last weekend....

Some time ago, some where far from here, two girls were murdered and a person of the initials MC was involved. Following surgery they were moved down here, although I believe they have gone now.

From when I worked for the Police, I know that it is common knowledge that abusive partners move their families here because they can live away from others, in isolation. Having moved their families so far from their loved ones, they have no one to turn to....

Cornwall is a place where people think they are safe. To hide. Thing is, what they don't realise is that Cornwall is small.... Everyone knows everyone else. I had been down here two and a half years when I met F and we had about 8 people in common by then, we have found more since. My future brother-in-law knows half my current colleagues.... Everyone knew MC was here. Word spread. But that didn't make it unsafe for them to be here.

I try to avoid watching the news. The local news is fine, fluffy and nice.... I find if I watch the proper news, I get sucked down and down. I hate the way some stories are deemed important but seem to have no relevance to me, my life, or really if we are perfectly honest, nobody else's lives but their own loved ones. Do I want to hear about the good and bad things that happen in some celebrities life? I would much rather hear about people in my community....

Listening to politics makes me wonder how politicians can be sooo stupid! A new speaker has just been voted in, an important government post as they decide who gets to speak... He is Conservative but Labour voted him in, mostly it seems to annoy the Conservatives, not because anybody thinks he is suitable for the job. Recently there has been huge scandal because our politicians have been abusing their expenses claims with claims for mortgages already paid off, moat cleaning and all sorts of outrageous things. Politicians play games with each other and do not operate for the benefit of the country, at least not very often...

As for world news, they make me feel so sad and so lacking in power. I hate the way a story continues after the commotion has died and finding out what is going on is hard. Who decides what is important?

I first read about Neda here thanks to Kathryn Knoll but then again here thanks to Toni. Toni points out that this doesn't even make the news headlines despite the effect her death has had on Iran, the fact that she has become a focus for free speech and democracy... Instead I get to hear more about Peter Andre and Jordan... Most of you are probably wondering who the hell they are....

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

The Gift

A couple of things came together today....

I had a conversation with a colleague which all started with a discussion about how an ex-colleague had once had a spookily accurate reading by a medium. My colleagues do not know of my leanings. The word witch has come up at work a few times but always in connection with an unpleasant female person. Such stereotypes and religious hatred! *laugh*

Anyway. We talked about people we had known who had a gift. The person who could pop discs back in using the power of their mind without even touching them. The psychic who gave the reading to the ex-colleague. The 'not all there' person on the bus who suddenly 'cleared' and asked me why I had been washing my hands so much (I had been cleaning that day).

One person had told my colleague about how the gift had been passed to them by their Grandfather. I asked my colleague if they had a gift and they said no. For some reason I pushed it and they admitted to something quite unexpected. They have a gift, an unusual and subtle gift but still a gift.

The book I started today features a chap with a gift, he is a shapechanger, specifically a werewolf. It is clear that he is torn between his two natures. People see the wolf and wolves see the human so that he fits nowhere. Those that should love him have spurned him and tried to kill him. But still he sees it as a gift and is unable to forgo one half of himself. It is a lovely Charles de Lint book called Wolf Moon....

Back to my conversation. Part of me is convinced I have an undiscovered gift. Another part is convinced I am not special enough to have a gift. Another part wouldn't want the pressure that could come with having a gift. Part of me desperately wants a gift. What if I do have a gift but in my desire to be more, I am overlooking something?

Maybe I don't pay enough credence to some small thing that happens. Maybe I havn't let go enough. Maybe I havn't practiced the right things. Maybe I havn't grown into it yet. Maybe I just don't have a psychic ability.

Ability... Maybe I have a special purpose? I think we all do. It could be something so small seeming to us, maybe to invent a toy that some child uses to beat off an attacker so that they can grow up and do.... A whole chain of nested purposes that we may never know and never understand, not while alive anyway.

I have hunted for a vocation and nowhere int he rat race have I found one. I don't know where else to look for it. So I am not. Not right now. I just have a job. It passes time. It also gives me money.

So no gift and no purpose, not that I know. Is it wrong to want to be special? Is it wrong to want to have meaning?

I would love to hear about the gifts and purposes others have... I would also love to hear if any of you psychics have any idea what mine might be....

Monday, 22 June 2009

Leaving Home

I thought today I might talk a bit about how I came to Cornwall...

I lived in a far off city where I had originally gone to study Physics (yes I am mad) but glandular fever caused me to stop doing that and the realisation that degree level physics is a little detached from every day life prevented me from going back. I still wanted to study though and my Mum said she could see me doing something Environmental. I thought about this for a while. I thought about going back to Uni in the city...

Time passed and I fell out of love with my boyfriend of the time and we split up amicably enough. Someone pointed out to me that I didn't have to stay in the city particularly as I wasn't a city person and I always began to get fidgety if I didn't get out somewhere with green at least once a month, minimum. This made sense....

I left.

A friend in the city had talked about Cornwall a bit i think. Somehow, maybe from her, this idea of Cornwall appeared. I can't remember really.

I set about it all very properly and scientifcally. I got the book we have in the UK for undergraduate courses. I knew I wanted to go South. I knew I wanted a small town or country Uni. I knew I wanted a Uni with a good name, old and respectable. I made a list and then I started crossing off ones that didn't meet what I wanted. I had been disappointed to note that Cornwall had no University listed in the book.

I was left with very few places on my list, in fact I was left with nowhere that really met the size of town thing. I ordered some prospectuses. And then, sometime later, it arrived. Exeter University prospectus. While looking at their Environmental Science course I made a discovery. This course wasn't taught in Exeter but at the Camborne School of Mines, in a small town, in Cornwall.... Exactly what I had been looking for....

I moved back in with my parents, got a job (or two) went back to the Young Farmers Club, got back in contact with old friends and made new ones. I delayed applying and slowly settled back in. There is a venerable agricultural college near my parents and slowly the decision came to apply to them but still I delayed. In fact I nearly left it too late. I went to get a prospectus and was told they had had to stop doing undergrad courses from September and now only did postgrad courses.

Eeeek!

So there I was, having left it almost to late to apply to anywhere and the old Cornwall plan suddenly came back into my mind. I rang the College and they said come for an interview, we don't need to wait for your application form, come down on such and such a day, which happened to be about two days time.

I went.

I had never been there before. I was a long way from home. The interview went fine. I was in. I went to stay with some family friends up Bodmin way over night. The next day I went back to the area near the College. I was in a strange grey granite town. Everything was different. I felt alone. I felt out of my depth.

This was a place I had been before. I remembered that feeling from the day my parents drove off and left me in my new home to start my gap year job. After they had gone, I went to my room and put on some music. The song I put on was Walking in Memphis by Marc Cohen. It has always held that feeling for me. Fear and sorrow mixed with a very healthy dose of hope and something else....

So here I was feeling like this again. In a strange place, all alone, facing a huge challenge and change in my life. A long way from home. I had randomly picked this strange place out of a book and now I had to come and live here.

I wandered the main street looking forward for somewhere to get some food. There wern't many places. The places there were didn't feel welcoming, nowhere felt welcoming. Eventually I found somewhere and I went in. I sat down and as I sat down a song came on the radio. And suddenly I knew I was doing the right thing, that I was supposed to move here....

Sunday, 21 June 2009

The card I picked from my oracle deck this morning was celebration. It might seem an appropriate card but somehow it doesn't feel like it was really. I know it was the Solstice and i should have been partying or watching the sunset or anything really... but I didn't.

F went to work yesterday at 5pm and will return tomorrow at 8am. I don't have as much without him, that's for sure. I am fine by myself though. I spent lots of time with my journal and I am really pleased with the way things have turned out. I had a nice bath with a Charles de Lint book. I did some washing and other bits that needed doing.

It is nearly pay day thankfully and it won't be many more weeks then until F gets his first full pay check since changing jobs. Once he has gotten himself a better car and sorted out his pc, I am hoping I can start stealing his hard earned money to improve the house.... I am sure I won't have any trouble spending his wages for him! *laugh*

We went out with friends to see Transformers Friday followed by pizza. I had a lovely evening and the film was good. Afterwards the men folk went off to play computer games and I came home, took the Little One out and then blogged. Yesterday we had S. We went out for a walk which was lovely despite Little Dog pulling a disappearing act just as we got back to the car...

So a nice weekend all in all but i feel blocked a little in some ways. I have more projects to start and somehow starting is the hardest bit.... I need to do some drawing out of designs and I am finding this daunting. Once I have gotten started it will all be fine, it is just the getting started.

I am feeling distanced from practicing any form of worship as well.... I need to get my behind back into gear on this one really....

Saturday, 20 June 2009

Pretty Postals

Today I posted a little pressie. I wrapped it up and placed it in a white box and sealed it up with some silver pipe insulation tape and took it to the post office. The lady behind the counter admired the tape so I told her what it was. She then thought I was very original but I can't really take the credit.... It was Caspiana that first bought taping to me....

When I got home I told F about this and it brought to mind some happenings from the other week, when he posted the parcels of jewellery to my family. I had wrapped them in different cards, a holographic silver one, a holographic blue one and a pink pearlescent one. He had taken them to the post office during the week for me.

Apparently when he was served it was by a young man who was astounded by the multi-coloured parcels. F quickly made it clear that they wern't his... I had wrapped them for the enjoyment of my family but I had completely forgotten all the people that would see them as they travelled on their way....

Imagine a long day at a sorting machine watching white and brown packages whizz by with maybe the odd grey one and then! All of a sudden! A glimmering sparkling parcel comes through! Or even just one with coloured writing...

Our actions can impact many, many people we never meet and who would never know us. A chance happening, a pretty thing that brings a smile....

Paulo Coelho's latest book is all about the impact our decisions have on others, in unforeseen ways. It was a dark book and the premise seemed to be that nasty people committing nasty actions generally have nasty chance happenings associated with them. I am not sure about that... Maybe it is true... It was an interesting book but it was a little bit of a departure. This book interested me but it didn't lift me up which is something he is so good at. I guess this book would be of most inspiration to those new to the idea that materialism, power and celebrity are superficial things...

I think most of Paulo Coelho's books are like carrots and this one is more like a stick....

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Thankful


Today and yesterday have both been nice days. I have enjoyed work. I have enjoyed being with my colleagues. Why the sudden change? Little Princess hasn't been there....

I have been thinking about the reasons for this a lot...

When there is someone I don't much know / trust / like around I let my more guarded face show. The easy going banter I used to partake in at work slowly dried up but with her gone from the corner, I was able to have more of a laugh and a joke again.

When someone is being slack and not working, it makes me feel like I have to make a point of working. I achieved just as much today as any day when I am being obviously hard working to make a point but I had way more fun doing it. If she had been there, not very much extra work would have been accomplished.

She is a quietly manipulative lady and her little clique has slowly separated away from the rest of us. Without her they have slowly rejoined us and there has been banter between us again, like there used to be before she came. Never mind that within her clique there is a fair bit of gossiping, tale telling and back stabbing, they don't see that... She doesn't care about me so she doesn't care that she plays out both sides of her game in front of me... *sigh*

A member of staff has been accused of being a bad influence on her but I think it is the other way around because so much more work got doen without her there....

Apart from her effect on my work place (which is more than enough reason to dislike her) I think there are other reasons for disliking her... She loves celebrity and all things pretty. She spends a lot of money on making herself look good. It isn't about health, just surface veneer. She is one of those women who do the whole naive, innocent, I need looking after thing and smiles a lot, mostly at the men. They all fall over themselves to help her... All the things she seems to value in life or spend her time doing seem to be things I find shallow and with little meaning beyond simple hedonistic escapism.

I dislike the way she talks about the people in her life. I dislike the way she talks about most things really. The same story over and over again about her boyfriend for instance.... Her presence in the office and therefore the conversation, alters the group dynamic and conversation. It all becomes much more shallow and orientated around her.

Now I know she is an insecure young lady who on the one hand has been spoilt but on the other neglected by the same people but at different times. I know no one has shown her that there is other meaning in life. Maybe one day she would be different enough that we would have some things in common.

But today I am thankful that I had two lovely fun days at work where we all got our jobs done in a nice, happy, fun environment. I am thankful that she has not been able to alter the way I feel about the others I work with. I am glad that she has not changed the way I feel about my job, not really. I am grateful that I have not let difficult personal relations drive me away from a job as I have previously (one of the joys of temp work is being able to leave if things are ever less than nice). I am grateful for the opportunity to show that I am stronger and more determined and that if and when I do leave, it will be because I chose to, not because I turned tail and ran.

Go visit Mon at Holistic Mama for more Thankful Thursdays...

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Chance

I know this is sad but again, I have nothing to say... F cooked a lovely lasagne but I have to take him back to work in a few minutes. I finished a craft project tonight and I am pretty pleased with how it has come out. Little Dog is very sleepy and cuddly and I suspect I am too....

I expect to have a good nights sleep tonight.... *laugh*

Oh except I have been seeing large groups of magpies. Then I came across the number 77777 which struck me as freaky. and then there was yesterday's five frogs. Any one superstitious? Any one any good with omens?

And earlier this week I was singing Take That's Rule the World to myself and got in the car to find it playing on the radio. It is a song I have had synchronicity with before....

Do you ever get that feeling that something good is going to happen? Does something good happen?

I Wish To Play

I do wish to play but the only idea that sprang to mind was that I wanted to play with mud - sqooze it through my fingers and my toes and really feel it.... But do I REALLY want that? I have no idea... maybe I should go do it anyway....

I guess my wish has to be to bring more play into my life... Except I do let myself play I think - to me all my art and craft is play and as for WTJ! *laugh*

hmmmm.....

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Five Frogs

I got home today to find much lovely post... Prince Caspian DVD to watch, some lovely purple art from a young Canadian friend, a Romanian postcard of a Happy Cemetery and two more Keri Smith books!

Little Dog expressed a desire to go walking (she never does if it is raining) and as I had already decided we would go out, off we went... Down by the river.

The pond of tadpoles still has tadpoles but they have slowly been getting fewer. I was beginning to think the tadpole I saw a couple of weeks ago with back legs had been a figment of my imagination. The pond had cleared enough for me to see small black fish and little black beetles, but no frog legs...

We carried on past the pond and as I got to a puddle from yesterdays rain I noticed something squirm. I bent down to look and there was a tiny little frog. I watched it intently. I came across four more... And then I came across them all again as I walked back...

Unusually we bumped into other people and even worse, I knew them! This has always been a getting away from things place for me and discovering people I know also use it for the same reason makes it a little less of an escape for me. Not that it wasn't nice to see them, it was. And Little Dog liked their dog well enough...

We came home and now I have nothing much I wish to do right now....

Monday, 15 June 2009

Home

When I was one my parents finalised there move from London to the country, to a lovely house where they remain to this day, but not for many more years as they plan to move. When they moved, buying old houses and doing them wasn't quite so popular as it is now...

The house was originally two farm labourers cottages which would each of only had two rooms. One up, one down. The house got expanded over the years but this wasn't done unsympathetically. The house is mostly wood framed with red brick. The wood is black and pocked with the holes of long dead wood worms. The roof tiles are also red and covered in moss. Nothing is straight or square or flat. The doors are low. The windows are leaded and only secondary glazing keeps the draughts out. The walls are one brick thick and move with the weather so that sometimes, in certain places you might catch a glimpse of daylight. Draughts also come through the gaps. Each bedroom has a basin and if you let the tap drip in the winter the pipes freeze. The floors downstairs are brick and sometimes if there has been a lot of rain, water oozes up between them.

The house was built over 400 years ago and has no foundations. Many trees were planted in the garden and one in particular is now linked to the house. A giant willow tree lives in the front garden and it's roots stretch under the hosue and support it. In the back garden there are three giant lime trees that are also close to the house. A large part of the garden is flanked by trees, yew, fruit trees and others and there is also an orchard and much hawthorn hedging. I spent much time as a child climbing the trees of the garden.

When my parents moved there they created a vegetable pacth at one end of the garden but this slowly languished. It remained unmoved and has provided a fascinating introduction to the principle of ecological succession... It is now nick named the copse as it is home to trees. My favourite tree lives here - an oak which I have watched grow since it first became noticeable amongst the grasses when I was maybe about ten.

The trees are kept in good shape with the occasional limb being removed. Storm damage and death also result in the loss of trees. All this wood is harvested and set to dry in the wood shed from which it later will journey to the stove. There is also a garden shed and a wood store. There is another tiny decrepit shed which houses the remains of a water pump, rusted and never working in all the time I have seen it...

My parents have no well kept garden, plants live or die as they will and birds bring fresh seed. I remember a particular plant grew amongst the grass that had a lovely orange flower, known as orange hawsbit. My Dad wouldn't mow this bit of grass and the flowers were lovely....

They also put a lot of nuts out for the birds all year round and have been doing this for years. The presence of a pack of greyhounds means that anything small and furry tends not to make a home there. As a consequence birds have flourished and a large variety visit including Greater Spotted Woodpeckers and even the local Green Woodpecker comes to visit. Birds nest all over the pace, under the eaves, in the post box, in the clematis that grew under my window and in through it. Some even nested in the bord boxes...

Bats flourish there too and I think they live under the eaves as well. In Summer you can lie on the grass and watch them fly overhead as dusk falls. My parents leave a lot of the fruit on the fruit trees to attract mice for the Screech Owls that feed there.

I loved growing up with that connection to one piece of land.

I loved walking bare foot in the mud

I loved walking bare foot in the dew soaked grass

Lying in the cool long grass under the apple trees on a hot day.

Watching the single iris my parents planted in a muddy hollow spread until no muddy hollow could be seen and watching them flower yellow.

Kicking copper and gold leaves in Autumn

Picking fruit

Rolling down the slope

The icicles that dangle off the conservatory

I think that house taught me to love the land...

That house though, for all the things that must have happened there, it feels like a happy place, a home. It has always protected and sheltered. I know every creak it makes as it warms and cools. After we have gone it will shelter and protect others to as it has done before. It is rumoured that in the war, the garage was used as a radio room for communicating with the French Resistance. It is just that sort of place... Freedom, hope, beauty.

I remember one time I felt a black presence following me everywhere, when I left to go visit my parents, i felt it couldn't step foot on that piece of land.... One day soon it will only be home in my memory and I shall miss it so very, very much...

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Frayed Edges

I am sure I had things to say but right now I feel too icky to remember them... A couple of late nights. Lots of food I shouldn't have eaten yesterday including way too much grease and dairy products. Pollen. Heat. Moon time. Too many pills! Painkillers, allergy tablets and antibiotics. I feel very ungrounded and floaty. I shall be off to bed soon....

I was being creative but I was getting to the point where I couldn't tell if what I was doing was nice or not! Best to stop there I fear! The expensive interference paints I bought yesterday are beautiful and those tubes will last me forever as less is definitely more. If you put too thick a layer of them on it looks white and the colour doesn't show through from underneath so well which gives a different look. The merest smear of pigment is enough to catch the light and do beautiful things to it...

I am finding a little that I am setting myself harsh targets in terms of what I want to make for others. That is not to say that the standard is high but that the time commitment is. I am loving this but it is very slow going. Particularly as blogging itself seems to be eating more and more time.

I discovered this week that wishcast wednesday, if you do it nicely and go and wish for everyone eats much time. Wreck This Journal is also eating much time, not so much in my wrecking but in visiting others blogs to see what they are up to. All fascinating stuff but I do feel a little as if something is going to have to give somewhere along the line....

There was time today for a long bath to soothe my stomach. I decided not to take my current read to the bath as I wanted to escape not think. In fact thinking is the last thing I am capable of right now. So I read a lovely little Charles de Lint book. One of the things in this books was a magical charm bracelet. My Mum has a charm bracelet and the little charms on it are so different from more modern ones, so much more intricate and detailed. Little silver boxes with coloured glass containing money folded very tightly for emergency use.... They are the ones I remember best...

My Mum started a charm bracelet for my sister when she was born but one was never started for me. I think it is one of the perils of being a second child the same sex as the first... One day I am determined to start collecting for a charm bracelet or even learn silver smithing so I could make them myself, who knows... I always loved my Mum and my Sister's bracelets very much...

In order to soothe my stomach I ended up resting on my elbows and lying the wrong way up in the bath. I had to call F in to remove my glasses to somewhere safe and to garb a towel for me to put my head on in an attempt to make myself comfortable. He was very amused to say the least!

Next weekend I am not going to stay up late or eat stupid foods.... I am sure I had some intelligent things I wanted to say. Maybe I should have written them down before they passed from my ragged brain...

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Tonight, Shine Bright!

F and I now have less time time together with this new job and last weekend there wasn't much but this weekend is different! Two days and tonight! Yay!

He arrived home just after 8 to wake me up and have a snuggle before we headed off to the best greasy spoon in the whole of Cornwall, Smokey Joes. Don't be fooled by the truck stop ness of it or the lack of fancy-ness. There food is fantastic....

From there to town where I didn't really need to go. I found a nice pair of lilac crocs which will be great for going to the beach this summer and I may have to wear them tonight. I also went to the art shop, again. Bad mistake. I picked up a few more oil pastels, red and pinks and oranges today as wellas some white gutta for my silk painting. Then I decided to carry on mouching... and I saw it. There was a sample card under the Goldens display and it drew my attention to some beautiful shimmery acrylics. I picked up tubes of Interference Blue, green and Violet. I had no idea how to work out the cost so i didn't and went to pay.... Nearly ten pounds a tube!!!!! Oh they really had better be beautiful!

We stopped at Starbucks on the way home and I had my second hot chocolate of the day. Why I thought this was a good idea, I have no clue. I cannot handle to much dairy and cream causes me huge problems. By the time we got home F and I were feeling dire and went to bed for a nap...

Tonight we have to go to a party in fact we should have been there an hour ago and we still arn't ready yet. I could quite happily not go really, my days of loving parties seem to have vanished.... But they are good freinds. The organiser is the friend I met F through and the recipient of the party is the chap F met me through... Lovely couple...

*sigh* Someone make me young again?

Friday, 12 June 2009

Kennal Vale


Kennal Vale is a little tiny nature reserve. Chances are that you would never find it by accident. The entrance to the reserve is on a tiny road that goes nowhere much. It looks as if you are entering the drive to someone's house but the path runs past the house to a gate. And still nothing looks that special or unique. Sure it looks pretty from the gate. A long path stretches along the side of a valley through trees with ferns and a river running somewhere near...

But the site is unique, it is one of my most favouritest places ever in fact. The valley has steep sides and the River Kennal runs through. This river looks like nothing more than a stream but in it's short trip to the sea it powered 39 mills in it's day. It is in fact the most powerful river in the country for no river can boast the ability to power so many mills per mile.

Some of the mills were used for making gunpowder, those in Kennall Vale itself. The mills were powered by water which has been channeled through a complex system of stone lined channels called leats. The valley is full of the river and the ruins of all these buildings. For gunpowder is dangerous stuff and the wet atmosphere of the valley was perfect for preventing explosions. Trees were planted between the different buildings to dampen any explosions and prevent them spreading from building to building. Of course there were accidents, and deaths, some of them gory...

The gunpowder works closed but the site was not dead. A quarry was begun on one side of the valley. The excavated material was placed on top of some of the gunpowder works buildings and new buildings were built on top. So the site has a whole host of industrial history....

There are three main paths, one on each side of the valley and one down the bottom by the river. The path on the mill side of the valley runs along side the leats as they run through the valley. It runs behind the mills and the water from the leats often crosses the path. As the leats descend the side of the valley, the path descends to, down steep steps alongside ruins.

The sound of the river is everywhere as it courses over rocks. It also goes over a weir and there are so many waterfalls, from the leats and the river....

On the other side of the valley is the quarry which is now flooded and backed by a sheer rock wall....

The trees the explosives workers planted have blossomed and the once industrial site is a haven for nature. As well as trees, tere are ferns, everywhere. They grow on the ruins, on the trees, just everywhere. Some of them are very rare as well...
I decided to take Little Dog for a walk there tonight. I also decided to take my brand new copy of Wreck This Journal there to (go see my other blog for some details on that!) It was lovely....

Mountain High, Valley Low

Last night I didn't want to post... I was pretty down really...

Work was dire... I got to work while the Little Princess sat their and laughed and chatted away with her minions. While the cats away, the mice will play but somehow all the work gets mysteriously completed anyway... Still only one more day of it and then some authority will return to the team... (I hope)

I desperately needed a walk to re-ground me and I spoke to F at work only to discover he was going to be late because he had some paperwork to finish up. When I said I was going out, he reminded me that he would be only away from work for a few hours. He later said this was to remind me so I wouldn't be disappointed but I took as him not wanting me to go without him.

The expected time came and went and as it got later, I got more and more irritated and gave in and ate some food and took my boots off. In the time it took him to return home, I could have been out and returned with time to spare but instead I wasted that time. In the end we did go for a walk but it was late to go out without having eaten and really shortened my evening.

The walk was nice - we did a circular walk on the top of the nearby big hill. I see this hill everyday, unless it is cloudy or rainy and it looks so smooth across it's surface. Up on top it still looks smooth but gorse and heather are magnificent disguisers... There are ancient hut circles dotted around and little pools, natural, or mining relic or something else I don't know. Slabs of granite appear out of the undergrowth. On one particular often neglected path (most people walk the short distance to the top where there is much granite and a monument and go no further) there is a quarry that you can't see until you are there. It is flooded and overgrown and beautiful...

I also had a card from my Mum which made me sad. I knew it was coming but... *sigh* My folks have set a timescale on moving from my beloved childhood home. They need something more modern, more easily managed and a little less isolated for their retirement....

I think i shall write more about this place sometime, in a post of it's own, because it really does deserve it....

Sisterhood!

The lovely Mel has started a little Sisterhood going that will surely grow and grow and grow.... The Sisterhood of the Purple Bicycle!

If you want to read about the Sisterhood then go here.... but basically the Sisterhood is for those on a journey that involves every speck of their being, who are trying to push beyond their comfort zones while honouring their inner child (or outer children) and the Earth. It is about allowing ourselves grace while doing this and taking risks, not knowing what might happen.... It is about sharing your journey......

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Strange Days

Ugh! What a day!

As I knew I would have the evening to myself so i decided to have a go at a visionboard... Lots of things had to happen before this evening though.

Last night I left my lights on in my car. Not the first time I have done this... My battery was completely flat. Luckily F was home and available for pushing and a burly bloke stopped and helped to. Only thing was my car wouldn't start... Last time F and I got it started by ourselves at half the speed in a tiny distance on the same hill....

Seems I killed it this time. F took me to work and we got a nice expensive new battery on the way in for him to fit when he got home.

I had called my boss to let her know I would be late and discovered I was supposed to be on a course I knew nothing about... oops! Caught most of the course but the other sessions throughout the day were in my way and I had to keep stopping and starting a job I needed to do in one of the areas they were using. Because of all this I never really got started and I had that feeling that I had achieved very little but had to run round like mad to achieve it and was very, very tired as a result.

My Boss kindly gave me a lift home which gave the opportunity for much gossiping. We went to the show on the way back so by the time I got in, it was getting on. Little Dog and I left for the river and I am not sure how much I enjoyed it really. I did but my feet felt sooo heavy.

Little Dog left a few presents and during the course of wrapping them up to take home I managed to dirt the end of her lead, which I carry just in case, even though she doesn't need it. At the bridge I decided to dangle the nice long lead in the water to get it clean. It wouldn't reach. I had to lie in the sun, face down on old wooden railway sleepers that smelt of creosote (nice childhood memories as it is what my Dad used to paint our fences with) and dangle the lead over the edge. I lay their for some time watching the end of the lead make furrows in the surface....

Once home I discovered my blog had gone mad! I had a cast a little wish earlier in the day via Wishcasting Wednesday hosted by Jamie (see previous post) and during the day I included triple or quadruple the number of comments any post of mine normally attracts. This meant I had a lot of comments and wishes to return... Then I had to read my blogs for today. So here I am at 5 minutes to bedtime, dashing this post off...

A strange day, but really, not a bad day, not at all..... sweet dreams everyone...

Wish for my Body

It is Wishcasting Wednesday and it seems like a good day to take part for the first time....

What do I wish for my body?

I wish to be thinner - not stick thin but curvy and healthy and strong. I want to be fit enough to walk up hills without killing myself if I don't take a lot of breaks. I don't want to be awesomely gorgeous, I just want to be healthy... When I was younger I used to attract a fair bit of attention from men and I so do not want that! I want to be healthy without being harassed.

I want the lump under my arm to respond to the antibiotics and go away as well...

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Identity

Have you ever wondered how on earth people can be so blind to what people around them are like? Why they can't / don't see? The obvious example is the Little Princess but she isn't the one that springs to mind. Someone I know spent many, many years with someone and had a child with them. Moved to this far end of the country with them leaving an entire life behind.

And then one day the partner tells them that it is all over. The partner leave. It slowly transpires that they are having an affair. It seems they didn't settle in their new job - no one liked them, so the partner quits and after a few months of limited interest moves back in and reclaims child and the person I know, from one day to the next, finds themselves homeless.

They also find themselves reviled and slandered as if they were the one that had committed the wrong but they had no affair, left no home and deserted no child. I know you never truly know what goes on in anyones relationship but what could they have done to have deserved this?

What gets me is that they loved each other for all those years but either the person they loved never existed or they have changed beyond recognition. I am not sure which of those is most unlikely! How can someone hide who they truly are for soooo many years? What can make a person change beyond recognition? I just don't get it....

Even more bizarre, what can make someone ignore all those little signs that someone isn't who they thought, that things arn't quite right?

As a child we had some family friends. A lovely couple, one of my favourites. Then one day the lady got cancer and in time she died (I am so glad treatments have come so far since then...). After her death the man was desolate, for a time. It soon became evident that the lady had bought out the best in him. That her influence had disguised the side of him that was sometimes silly and a little materialistic. The man he was without her, wasn't the man we had all previously known....

I know F brings out the best in me and makes me a more generally relaxed and easier person. Maybe in some relations one person effects such a transformation on the other, that so many aspects get repressed... What happens when all that repression comes out in one foul swoop? Do they become the opposite of everything they were in the relationship? Is this change permanent?

I know this happens with twins, it happened in another family I know. One twin was wild and unsettled and unhappy, the other happy, settled and family orientated. The wild twin killed themselves and the settled twin took on the wild twins personality.... This turned the lives of many people on their heads overnight?

Is personality and identity actually as fixed as we think it is?

The mind has layers. My Gran would often behave atrociously. That little mental voice in her head would retell and retell the story of the events until it was a version that made her look better and she was happy with. She genuinely didn't believe she was in the wrong. Her subconscious personality took care of that. I have seen it with others to. Sometimes their motives can be clear as day to others but they seem ignorant of what is truly going on inside the deeper layers of their own heads. Most people don't like to look to hard at their motivations....

Personality is a surface chance of chemistry and anatomy. It is an accident that can alter temporarily or permanently with a pill, an event, a breath of fresh air... Sometimes for the better, and sometimes the worst. It is the oily sheen on the surface of deep waters.

Monday, 8 June 2009

So Pleased to Show off my Melons!


The lovely Mel has given me this award - apparently my Melons are a Perfect 10! *laugh*

Mel was the first bloggy friend I made. Finding good blogs was hard at first. Using the next blog button can take you to little gems - but only if you have plenty of time. One day it took me to Mel's blog and I had a jolly good read. I couldn't put my finger on it but there was something.... The little Bast figurine gave me a hint that there was a lot, lot more to this lady than she was showing on her blog (at the time). I left some comment love and she came to visit. That was that really. My blog journey has been hand in hand with Mel ever since. We often seem to think and feel the same things at the same time. Even though we have never met or heard each others voices, it is blatantly obvious that she is a true Soul Sister....

So I would have to say that Mel herself is one of the wee things in life that brings me happiness...

A few others for the award....

Hot and Sour soup with prawn crackers.
A good dream.
Mud between my toes
Babies - of any sort, even baby slugs are kind of cute... *laugh* (*sigh* is that s sign of broodiness?)
Ticking things off lists (not anal at all...)
Boggy mires - I love wetlands of all sorts. I just find them so beautiful and green and lovely...

So now I have to pass this lovely little award on.... To some blogs that I think are great and deserve a perfect ten for their melons....!

First we have the lovely Postmuse. I have gotten into postcards and postcrossing and postsecret and.... but this project is much more personal. One woman, one huge collection of blank and dull and lifeless postcards sent out into the world to acquire life before they return home... Go see and find some cards to adopt... But even better, she shares some of the things written on the cards, little things that have meaning to the people who returned them that explain why they wanted that card...

The next are two fantastic photographers who happen to live in the same very, very beautiful part of the world as me. I love the way they give a look at the beauty of this place through their eyes... If ever you want to understand why I love it here so much, go and look at the world through there eyes for a bit... So they are the Simon and Keith (and Keith also has a blog dedicated to pictures of Trewidden Gardens which I adore).

Next we have Being Gemel..... This is an Australian blog I found by accident. Her lovely thoughts and beautiful photos make it a place I like to linger each day.... I must admit I am a lurker her, her posts rarely require a comment....

I think I shall leave it there, if you want to see some other blogs that deserve a melon award then go look at my blog roll on my profile....

Retelling the Story

I know I have told my story on my blog before but I have an urge to tell it again. I think I left out most of the most important parts. I don't think I will feel that I have told it properly until I have. I think this part of my story is central to understanding me as a person. It is not who I am but these events shaped me and caused my direction to change and their ripples have traveled throughout my life. I am not looking for pity. I am not a victim. This is an old me that I honour. I am somewhere else now.

I went to a highly Christian school. Many of the staff had been missionaries and religion and ethics was central to everything they taught. Apparently all the children there were Christian. I am not convinced by this. I think some were sent there because their parents wanted them to have an English education somewhere where the girls would be almost cloistered away. I had a very protected childhood. The world was Christian and had ethics and Christians never did anything bad, did they?

I didn't fit. At some point I remember thinking that emotions and acting emotionally was too painful and difficult. I decided that the only way to make decisions was to follow the path of least hurt. Everything I did was based on a emotional assessment of how to proceed while hurting the least number of people in the smallest way. This led me to stand up to bullies for others but not necessarily myself. You see my own hurts somehow took a back seat. I stopped letting myself feel. I don't know how old I was, maybe 12, maybe 14, who knows?

My soul started to die and at 14 I became ill with Glandular Fever, for the first time. I was a robot. I think this was when the sadness that a doctor called depression first entered my life. It was the first time I was prescribed anti-depressants. They never have worked for me. My sadness is a thing of intellect and emotion rather than chemistry.

I started to come out of myself as my life moved on and took me away from that cotoon wool school. Life there hadn't really prepared me for life outside though. There is no logic to people being nasty or bad so it just didn't fit in my head.

I left home and started work. Still dreadfully naive and young but I probably didn't give the appearance of this. An older man at work decided he wanted to go out with me and pursued me. I eventually agreed because I didn't really have a reason to keep saying no. He was 14 years older than me and proceeded to reorganise my life. Before I knew it I was living in his house, paying him rent that included bills, but nervous of using the phone and running up the phone bill. He was pretty well off and you might think I would have benefitted but I can't actually remember him buying me a single thing or ever offering to do anything other than go halves when we were out.

Eventually things started to deteriorate and I dumped him but I had to spend a few more days living there. During this time I had to go away on a jolly. It was hot and we had a free bar and were expected to stay up late and take advantage of this. The next day we travelled back and by the time I got there I was so tired and dehydrated that you could have pushed me over with a pin.

My Ex took advantage of this situation and raped me. I may not have stood up for myself. Some people would probably dispute the use of the term rape. But inside my head, I did not want it, I never agreed to it and it destroyed my carefully built naive little world. The me that was ended that night.

I moved on and things appeared normal. I had moved to start my studies but rather than being friends with lots of men, I made few male friends. My attitude towards men changed. I let myself be taken advantage of and went out with unsuitable men. I drank to much. It wasn't very long before the glandular fever reared it's ugly head again. Eventually I had to drop out of Uni. my ability to hold myself together slowly decreased. I started taking drugs. I became more ill and left Uni.

One day I finally fell apart. I called my parents and told them some stuff, I can't remember what. They came and picked me up and took me home. They took me to the Doctor's and I was referred to a Psychiatrist. I had counselling and a nice little prescription of Temazepam (which I never took) just in case the mental pain got to much. My 21st birthday ranks as being one of the worst of my life.

I was a blank slate waiting to be re-written. My old moralistic, ethical, Christian world view had failed. It couldn't survive in the face of reality. I am a Libra. I am a logical, analytical scientist. I have to have a mental framework for things to fit in and mine had been destroyed. I had to rebuild mine from scratch.

I started reading. So many different books. A bit of this, a bit of that. I returned to the city where my best friend was a Wiccan who lived with her Wiccan sister and her Wiccan Mother. They fed me books. My counsellors recommended books. Everyone seemed to be feeding me books. I read and took the bits which felt right and connected with me. I built a new framework for my soul. This one isn't rigid, it can bend with life and it is always growing.

Those first months it grew faster than at any other time....

Living Magically and Stepping into the Magic
The Man who Planted Trees
Feel the Fear
The Road Less Travelled
Hedgewitch
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Flat Rock Journal: A Day in the Ozarks
Walking to Mercury and The Fifth Sacred Thing (Fantasy by Starhawk!)
The books of Sheri S Tepper
The books of Carlos Castenada
The Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet

and so many others... (of course some more than others - not sure what I took from Carlos Casteneda exactly *laugh*)

Now there was also the books of Paulo Coelho, at this time just The Alchemist, The Pilgrimmage and The Valkyries. Like all the books above they were early participants in my quest to put myself back together and as I such I have an overwhelming fondness for all of these. And there authors of course. I do however feel that books do begin to take on a life separate from the writer....

I am not that naive girl who would go out with anyone who pursued her.
I am not that girl who hid in alcohol and drugs.
I am not that girl who had an interesting attitude to men.
I am not the girl whose mind tortures her.
I am not a victim.
I am not a sickly person.

But all of these people live on inside me, somewhere, as do all the books I have ever read.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Detritus

Today has been a quiet day of bits and bobs. F has pretty much worked all weekend, except Friday evening, Saturday evening and Saturday night. I shall get to see him tomorrow as I go to bed...

Part of me knows I should take Little Dog for a walk but I am a bit wary right now. On Friday S and I took her for a run and we threw that ball a fair bit. It seems though that she doesn't know when to stop as she got way too overheated. When we got back she seemed fine at first but began to get a bit wobbly. I had to put her in the shower and hose her down and she quickly recovered. In the future I will have a really good reason to be stern with S about running her too much....

It has been a warm sort of a day although not as hot as last week and I obviously can't take her out midday or in the afternoon.... Do I want to take her out now? Can I get myself out of the house? Not sure. Will update tomorrow *laugh*

So I caught up on my postcrossing. I had a load of cards to scan that I had received and a load of cards to send out and scan. Then I wrote those letters to my Aunt, Sister and Mother to go with their jewellery and packaged them all up. I also spoke to my Mum and Dad and sorted my Great Aunt's birthday card. Then there were the orange swap cards to package up... Most of this stuff won't be sent till next weekend because it needs weighing.

I also have so many things that I am waiting to get where they are supposed to go... A present for a friend, the card to Belarus which hasn't arrived after 38 days (I am sending a second hoping this one makes it), my ATC swap cards from the True North Mandala swap (I so want to see them!), The Chalres de Lint books which were despatched Friday and the two Keri Smith books (missus WTJ) that were despatched today and then of course WTJ itself...

I ordered WTJ from Amazon initially but had several other long order books in the same order. The despatch date was 18th June. When I realised this I split the order down but it was too late - they had sold out and needed to reorder. I waited and waited and hoped they would give me a nice update on my despatch date, but no. I hunted for it in Truro yesterday and Waterstones informed me thatthey had had it on order since April and it was not in stock at their wholesalers either.... Hearing this I realised Amazon wasn't going to come up with the goods and went for an Amazon marketplace copy which should be here for next weekend - and cost less - and is still a pristine new copy (I hope). Getting this book has so far been a saga and it isn't over yet...

I have so many projects to start and get stuck into but it is so easy to forget how long even the simplest bits take - like packaging and writing notes to go with things. Sometimes I try to pack too much in and other times I mess about, wasting time, doing what I could do in half an hour in two.... I also have a huge pile of books to get read and this latest lot of ordering isn't going to help with that!

Truth to tell I am stuck on my current book - Paulo Coelho's Winner Stands Alone. I am not liking any of the characters and I am not feeling the plot. It is darker than previous books I think and by going darker, I am finding him less inspiring and uplifting. I read the book and I feel tired and that is so unlike me. I will get to the end because I trust this author to have a point to all of it....

It is a nice evening, I think it would do me and the Little one good to get out before bed. I know she is missing F as well...

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Strange Happenings...

OK, so today has been strange....

I watched Little Miss Sunshine while sorting through my e-verse and it was a lovely film... It made me laugh so hard when the little girl danced... I then plucked myself off the sofa to go into Truro. I got all ready and went to grab my keys. No keys. We went to a quiz last night and F had to dash to work straight after. He had driven my car but had no idea where he had left the keys... He got a phone call at work....

Although he didn't find the keys till later, he did know where the spare was, so off I went. I was hunting for Wreck This Journal. I looked in Waterstones, the flea market, Smiths, Truro Arts and I tried to find Truro Books but I have either misplaced it or it has vanished. I failed. I have to wait...

I did however get some art supplies, postcards, stamps, bath things and had time to have a quick look in the museum, where I saw a lovely old terracota ridge tile with a huge dragon gargoyle.... Then I left on the handy park and ride bus. The bus was full but I got a seat near the back, opposite a chap with a very little girl (at the why stage) next to me and her mother opposite her with Dad standing in the aisle. The little girl was hilarious and I couldn't help the odd shared smirk with her Mum.

It was all fine until the bus braked very hard. I have no idea if the driver missed that the lights were read, tried to change lane without looking or what really but the next thing I knew I was on top of the man in front with my arm scrabbling about in someone's hair where it had gone through the gap.

Not everybody was so lucky and the bus pulled in to let some people get some air. I am not sure what happened to the little girl as I was too busy getting myself disentangled but she went very quiet. I got some of my postcards out for her to look at and she chose one covered in snails as her favourite. We got back to the car park where a lot of disgruntled passengers disembarked, talking about the bruises they were going to have.....

When i got home I took F to get Chinese and we watched Slumdog Millionaire, which was lovely....

But it doesn't change it being an odd day....

Friday, 5 June 2009

Men

I know I rarely talk about men on here but that is because I have F and other men don't impinge on my world in a man-like way if you know what I mean. Now the stuff I am writing here isn't stuff I have told F, not because I don't want him to know but because in making a point of telling him, it gives extra power. If he reads it on here, which he could, then he will know it is no secret and there is nothing in any of it... Tomorrow most of these things won't be important and the ones that are he will know.

One of my colleagues yesterday, decided to get me to look something up on the computer for them - nothing unusual. Except he decided to rest his arm on my desk alongside my arm, touching mine. Bit odd really. Not bothered by it. Just bemused. he knows I am not the unfaithful sort and to be fair I don't think he would respect me if I was....

An old friend I knew at the time I first met F and have gotten back in contact via Facebook... *sigh* He had a girlfriend back home when I knew him and one night he made a fairly determined play for me. Turns out, although I turned him down, that not all my friends did. Unfaithfulness seems to work for some people.... Also seems I was the one he wanted most and wanted first, maybe because I said no, even though I was single, because as well as not being the unfaithful sort, I am not one to want to cause others to be unfaithful either.

Thirdly, via facebook, I got back in contact with my most significant Ex. He helped me through some tough times but we eventually grew apart and parted amicably enough and even remained in contact for a while. I will tell F about this but given F is in contact with his first love via facebook, I don't see an issue. I mostly just want to know my ex is happy and his family are happy.

Now this one I shall tell F, definitely... Not today for today will be too busy and I want this to be special. I had a dream last night. There was a Goddess maze built of earth banks and rock, all overgrown. In the middle of the maze was a rock walled depression filled with ferns and a small spring-fed pool. F and I were there having a small private handfasting ceremony with only one or two others present. In the dream, I knew we were going to have another big official wedding. I also knew this maze was in the area around Land's End known as Penwith and that I had built it.

How perfect is that?

Thursday, 4 June 2009

All Change

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that changed everything?

Have you ever had a moment when you discovered the things you had been led to believe turned out to be completely the opposite of the truth?

Have you ever had a week that has been fairly dire and included a certain amount of pain only to discover it was all for nothing?

I had one of those today... With my Boss.... Concerning the Little Princess....

Turns out I am the good, trusted, liked employee I have always strived to be. Yay! My confidence had not liked the knock of discovering, or rather, being made to think I was not. I think this was a side effect my Boss had not noticed or expected.... Just goes to show playing games can be dangerous...

What would you do if you had an employee who was lazy but had the potential to be a good employee? What would you do if you had a young, irresponsible employee who did not happen to have the best of lives outside of work? What would you do if you had an employee who was claiming to be being led astray by another employee (who is dangerously close to losing their job but happens to be permanent)? What would you do if you had an employee who claimed to be lacking in confidence due to a very capable colleague?

It seems what my Boss would do is give them all the things they want and then watch them very carefully. Give them the benefit of the doubt and wait.

My Boss went to a lot of effort today to get me alone with no chance of being overheard and without letting any of my colleagues have a hint of suspicion that there was anything to be said. My only complaint is that they waited so long. Why didn't they call me at home? Why did it not occur to them that I was hurting? Do I do such a good job of getting on with things that they couldn't see?

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Time

I have just got caught up with my blogs but not my emails. As soon as you miss a blog session, you begin to realise how much you actually do.... Catching up has taken a bit of effort.

We had pork chops for tea and watched American History X which was very good. Didn't leave much time for anything else though and now it is nearly bed time and I have done little else. Oh I put some asfatedo (sp!) stuff in with the mushrooms so experiments have begun with the third herb / spice. We are still using the black onion seed but i didn't fall in love with fenugreek...

Today I felt icky. If the ladies at work are still pulling my hormones into synch then it is my pre-hormonal blip, worsened by the moon maybe. I didn't perk up until I got to leave. Maybe it was just because I was too hot... It has already cooled this evening and tomorrow is supposed to be much cooler, thankfully. I don't like it too hot and heat makes me want to have a siesta.

I still feel off at work. I don't feel part of the team so much and I don't know what to do or say sometimes that isn't going to be taken wrong and still enable me to get my job done well. I have a strong work ethic, I don't think this is always a good thing. *sigh*

I want..... something else...... I am beginning to understand that time really is a gift. Not time to do what others want but time to truly do what you want. I never appreciated it when I had it....

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Happiness is Inversely Proportional to Wealth

I met with my three college mates tonight for another chat. It is a lesson on what constitutes happiness. As annoying as things may be in my life - I actually seem to be one of the happier ones... go figure... They all have more money though... *laugh*

Need to go do other things..... Like sleep!

Monday, 1 June 2009

Allergise

Last night I took half a hayfever tablet before bed. Not that my hayfever had really started properly, I just felt that tingle... Today I went to work and shortly after starting I felt my nose go. My eyes turned dry and itchy. I sneezed. My nose ran. But not as badly as it gets.

But I don't understand. Normally my pills keep the allergy symptoms away for several days, which is why I take half. This half pill lasted less than a day but my allergy flared up and then slowly throughout the day flared down.

In fact once I left work and truly breathed in fresh air my nose cleared completely. My head cleared and I began to feel much better and not like a complete zombie, just part zombie. This all makes me feel that there was something at work today that really didn't agree with me (apart form the obvious).

Was someone wearing perfume? Had someone used some cleaning products? Had one little freak bit of pollen that I am especially sensitive too managed to lodge itself in my nose? No idea

So tonight i just wish to do nothing. Completely drained. There are things I should be doing but I am not going to do them... F walked Little Dog before he went to work. It is to be a sofa and junk food night.....

The only good news is that i weighed myself on the way home and I have lost 1/2 stone.... oh and I have a small but always welcome tax rebate....