Being Fat

I wanted to write a little about being fat. I want to articulate and put out there all the reasons why I don't want to be fat any more and maybe it will help with me changing that... F and I are going to join a slimming group. Not next week because he will be working but hopefully the week after that....

My Nan, my Mum's Mum, is a fit lady who has never been particularly overweight. An avid gardener, she has an amazing veg patch. Her diet has always been pretty good but despite this, in her twilight years she has developed diabetes. It doesn't cause much difficulty for her, she has to avoid doughnuts a little but she hasn't had to alter too much.

My Mum turned 60 and seemed to suddenly develop a list of health complications. She has been overweight ever since she had us kiddies. Now she has high blood pressure, underactive thyroid and diabetes. She hasn't, despite her best efforts, been able to control her diabetes without medication. Given the changes she has made to her life, I find this pretty sad. She is a nurse and she knows exactly where her diabetes could take her.

My sister has never been as big as me but she had a little excess. My Mum's health has spurred her into losing weight and she looks really good. My Mum had had a conversation with her and pointed out that she was at risk if she didn't do something, and so she did.... My family no longer have the conversations with me about my weight, they know I know and they know it is just too hard....

So how fat am I? Very fat. I am tall and broad so I get away with it a little in some ways. I can carry a little extra and people wouldn't really notice.

So what affects does it have on me? The one I hate most is that my ankles swell up. Most days by the time I get home and take my boots off my ankles are the size of balloons with ring indentations made by the tops of my socks. They hurt. It is a sign that my heart is having problems pumping and fluid is collecting in my extremities because my heart can't shift it.

My heart isn't working so well really either. I know my resting heart rate is phenomenal. It wouldn't take much exercise to push my heart rate through the roof. Sometimes i feel like it misses a beat, sometimes I have other strange sensations.

Breathing is obviously affected. If I exert myself I breath very, very heavily. Walking at a normal pace up one flight of stairs or a shallow incline is enough to do it.

I feel tired a lot of the time. I have no stamina.

My hormones are all over the place and sometimes they get very mucked up and my moontimes go all funny. I want children once we marry but would probably struggle to get pregnant as I am now.

I have a skin condition called Hydradenitus Surritiva (roughly - I know I can't spell it!) which cause my skin to break out in certain areas. I have had it thin or fat since I was seven. I know it improves when I am thinner, although it never actually goes. I am sort of used to the pain and discomfort but it would be nic enot to have it...

Getting comfortable can be tricky. Turning over at night requires a lot fo effort. I don't always fit in chairs very well. In the cinema I need my chair and both arm rests. My bum is huge so in straight back chairs I feel like I am reclining.

Then there is the issue of clothes. I hate clothes shopping. Most shops don't sell big enough sizes and the ones that do tend to have a bit of an old woman feel sometimes. I find it hard to get boots and things that fit. Buying pretty things that are comfortable as well is not always easy. Looking nice takes a real effort.

Reaching my feet to put on my shoes is tricky and requires a lot of effort....

Being fat restricts my life. I don't do a lot of things because I am fat.

So even though I have yet to develop any serious complications it still affects my life, a lot. And I will develop complications and I will develop them younger than my Mum because I am much, much fatter than her.

Why am I fat? I comfort eat. I like the sensation of a full stomach. I use sugary foods to boost my energy levels. I also think being fat is in itself a protective thing. I don't want men to fancy me. I don't want the hassle that comes with it. I don't get sexual innuendo or inapropriate behaviour or men behaving oddly because they want to go out with me. Other women i work with do. I see it. I don't want men touching me uninvited. I am precious about my personal space.

But I can't let my fear ruin my health and my life. It has to be time....