Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Let Me Eat Cake

I have always been intellectually able. Maybe gifted - who knows? Certainly above average intelligence. Thing is, I think it is far easier for men to have an enjoyable time being bright than it is women. I also feel a little as if chasing around after intellectual things, like degrees, that my intellect hasn't taken me anywhere useful, anywhere I really valued.

I love learning though, so the process has always been fun in and of itself but it just hasn't seemed to go anywhere. In fact sometimes I think it makes it harder. In my flitting through jobs as a temp, I have had a lot of bosses that havn't overly liked having someone work for them that they feel is cleverer. I just can't help that I pick things up quickly (taking notes always helps as well). Or that I figure things out either...

So I think it would be fair to say that I have a love / hate relationship with my intellect. I don't set the same value to intellect as others do, not any more.

I guess it was no surprise that my astrological chart was heavily focused on the side of intellect, I guess I should be chuffed that creativity and intuition were mentioned at all. You see I would so much rather have the brain of an intuitive arty type who is a little off the wall than that of an accountant. Do you see what I mean? I guess I have always had a streak of geek and that means dull right? I don't want to be dull.....

Then some friends decided to do personality tests and they got to be cool visionary types. I wasn't surprised by mine really but perhaps a little disappointed... I got to be a Strategist. OK so maybe they arn't to common in the population and they are more likely to be men than women, but hey, are they exciting? Probably not....

So I want to be other than I am. Not uncommon. Would I give up being clever to be intuitive and arty and bohemian? No. I couldn't because that would make me a different person and I can't imagine that. So what do i want? I want to have my cake and eat it, I want to be as I am but also be really, really creative and have a huge psychic gift. I want those things to be as easy to me as thinking logically.

I know I make things that look creative sometimes but I know how my brain works. I know all of these things have more to do with logic in their design than that creative fire. I have the head of an engineer rather than the head of artist but at least it doesn't stop me creating. Does it matter how my brain worked in order to get things created? Am I to hard on myself? How do I value and make use of my gifts? Do i need to? Am I still hunting for a vocation / career when maybe I have a job and a lovely life outside of it.... Why do we always want it all? *sigh* Do you want it all as well?


  1. Of course I do...and I fully intend to have it!! *grin*

    And Strategist fits you very well...just as the Chief fits Holly and the Dreamer fits Sam. I wish I was more of the Dreamer myself...I wish I could be truly comfortable flitting about and not needing to know where I was going -- less dependent on the external frameworks and routines...having to plan and being anal about things is rather uncool and I always thought it interfered with being creative. But it doesn't. It's just a different road to the same place...like everything, it seems...:)

    If you're up for it....there's another book *club* going...

    Am off to email you....xoxox

  2. Another book club? *gulp* I am sure I can find time for it. *goes pale* I know I will regret it if I don't... *laugh*

  3. Why do we always want what we think other people have in terms of creativity? Your blog today sounds very similar to mine. I want to be funky and bohemian and I just seem to be boring. When I look at what you create I see originality and really interesting and beautiful work. So, as you said, in so many words, on my blog, I wish you could see what you create through my eyes.
    The Artists Way is an amazing book. I bought it in 1993 when I was on what I called my Vision Quest. It is the first time I have ever completed a book of this type. I did it alone first and then with two friends. It really is worthwhile. It is the first of a trilogy, the second is Walking In This World, the third, Finding Water. I haven't done the last two. She also has another workbook called Vein Of Gold. I hope you can find time for it, I think you will find it worthwhile. And you are too hard on yourself.

  4. Yes, it is very important to express your feelings,as I have learned if you hold them in you become ill. I read two books several years ago by Judith Duerk. They are The Circle Of Stones and I Sit Listening The Wind. I cried when I first read the Circle Of Stones. It told me what I already knew about being a woman and yet I wasn't conscious of it. I think every woman should read these two books to be able to live in a male dominated society. We don't even know that we and society devalue us just because we are women.

    I have thought about you a lot in the past few days - about you witnessing the search by the RNLI for the young man and also the comment you made on my blog about the young couple you found. These things stay with us and change us at some level and it is important to talk about them and how we feel about what we have experienced. Unfortunately, we live in a society that forces us to repress our feelings and take Prosac instead. I have a freedom in blogging to be able to say things I wouldn't say to anyone around me because I find most people don't know what to do with other people's feelings.

    I'm running on a bit here but this is a subject I FEEL very strongly about.

    I hope you enjoy The Artist's Way group.

    I hope

  5. I know just what you mean. I am like you.

  6. I was looking on my blog to find your reference but couldn't find it, anyway, you mentioned living with someone who tried to commit suicide and you found them. Such a disturbing thing to deal with. I have learned over the years that you have to talk about the things that happen to you and process them. You never forget them but the emotions surrounding what happened become less. I spent my life just moving on but eventually it all caught up with me and it's taken me 15 years to process 53 years of stuffed emotions. It can be done but it is really hard work.