Last night we were out with friends and during the conversation I discovered that one of them had a very different past from the one I expected. His previous jobs were a little more unusual than I expected and possibly a little more on the seedy side too (but not illegal or anything!). Is this a problem? No I don't think so. He is a very, very strong character and I think the things he has done and the places he has been have added to him. He has moved beyond them now and made very different choices. This takes a lot of strength and personality.....
He doesn't hide who he is and he holds no prisoners. If you don't like who he is then that isn't a problem to him. This makes me feel ashamed a little. I don't hide my past but I don't put it out there either. The chances of people guessing, these days, where I have been and what I have done, is slim. I am a large, unfit 30 something lady who doesn't really drink much, enjoys walking her dog and doing crafts. People find it hard to look beyond the now to see the past.... I exploit this I think.
I would like to say I never did anything illegal, but, well that wouldn't be true. The things I did though, were primarily designed to hurt myself and not others. I kept the things I got up to away from family and friends from elsewhere, as far as I could.
So why did this all happen? What happened to the studious, friendly and rather respectable school girl? As normal there was a man or two tied up in it all. At 18 I had an unpleasant boyfriend and his actions destroyed my view of the world forever. I had been very logical and naive in many ways and the strong Christian view of the world I had been taught really did not protect my psyche from his actions. Destroying how someone sees the world so completely was probably not how he intended things to happen but for me it was a hard blow to recover from.
At 19 another man came along and he was a good and nice man who helped me a lot. As my head slowly unravelled he was there and tried to help hold me together. He was however himself a rather disturbed man and he opened some doors in my life that should have remained shut. I chose to walk through.
All these things combined and I unravelled completely, body and soul. I did little but sleep as glandular fever ravaged my body. I began the slow task of putting my mind and body back together. I read. Books of different spiritual systems. Self help books. Anything that might help add another piece to the jigsaw that slowly grew in my head as I healed. This new world view was much more flexible than my old Christian one. It grows and breathes and flexs with me.
My relationship was doomed, as was my life in the city and one day i left never to return to the city really. I think i can count on my fingers and thumbs all the times I have stepped foot in a city since then. I slowly made my way here to Cornwall. Loneliness and a lack of hobbies drove me into a strange life, half party girl, half industrious student. Alcohol played a large part and cigarettes.
It has taken me a long time to get where I am. Who I was no longer shows. People would not guess. I rarely think of it. It is always there though, the past is something we always carry. Do i regret the things I did? No, i don't think I do. I learnt a lot and moved on and became the person I am and they bought me here and I like it here. Would I ever suggest someone do what I did? Not a chance!
I could say more, but I shan't not today. I don't think this subject is dead for me though. I still grieve the girl I was in the long ago before.
Eleventh Blog Anniversary!
9 months ago