Sometimes some of my aspects feel invisible. I am some of the time a Mother. I have a stepson who has spent regular time with us since F and I first met (almost - he didn't know about me for a couple of months...). This role, this persona of mine is not recognised or acknowledged...
I never receive a birthday card, in fact I don't think he could tell you what my month my birthday is even in....
I don't receive a Christmas present. F is doing well if he gets a bad bottle of wine...
I don't get to go to Sports Day.
I don't get to go to School Plays.
I don't get cute drawings bought home from school.
I don't ever get a card.
But how does S see me? A couple of weeks a go he says that he likes it at ours best because sometimes we go out. He is still giving me hugs, even in his near teenage-ness, often without me having to ask. He comes and watches TV with me and things sometimes in preference to being with his Dad. He listens to me. He allows me to tease him about girls and things and although he would never admit it publicly, he loves these teasing conversations and gives as good as he gets.
I have tucked him in at night. I have read him stories. I have bought him clothes. I have washed him. I have helped with homework. I have told him off. I have fed him. I have laughed with him. I have cried with him. I have given him money. I have bought him presents. I have cooked for him....
But as a Mother I am invisible.
If anything happened to his mother, although I could never replace him, I could be me and look after him.
Nobody sees me as Mother though. My parents don't send presents for him at Christmas. They often take my sister and her kids out (they live much closer than I do) but they never send money for us to go out somewhere nice with S. They do send me money sometimes but S is below their horizon and they do not see me as a mother either. I don't think they see me as understanding some of the problems and issues of raising children.
As a mother I am invisible. But there must be people out there who are completely invisible....
Beggars on street corners...
Children locked in cellars...
The child in a class who is neither clever or requiring assistance and is quiet.
The women of certain cultures, in certain families....
The person who is abused but those who know are scared of the abuser and look the other way...
People in solitary confinement....
I read or heard a story once about a child who was ignored by everyone. No one saw her anywhere. Slowly she began to fade away until she really was invisible... How sad... I think people would fade away in some way. But I am not ignored, I am acknowledged as an important person in S's life by him in so many ways.
I think there must be people in blogland who feel invisible too. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could find all the new blogs and bloggers somehow and welcome them in?
The New Cottagesmallholder HQ
4 months ago
(((more hugs)))). I find it odd that you aren't considered a Mother to S....that your family doesn't see it. Is it because he's older, I wonder? If he was 5 or 6 would it make a difference? It shouldn't. And I think, by the sounds of it, he's already becoming a man in the fact that he hasn't a clue about the 'little things' ;)....or perhaps he hasn't any money of his own to spend? Can't see his Mum giving him some cash to spend on his Dad or you. It sounds like the two of you have a great relationship otherwise....
ReplyDeleteMy brother's partner has a six year old daughter and she has become completely absorbed by my family - she's another niece, cousin, grandaughter...I wonder if she was 11 or 12 if it would have been the same. More likely its because we're smothery and would hate to think anyone felt left out at our OTT family gatherings....:)
And yes, let's find the new people.....*grin*
I have been around since he was 6 so no, I don't think this is it.... He doesn't tend to have his own money - it is always gift money people expect him to spend on himself... Mind you I wouldn't give him money to spend on his Mum either....
ReplyDeleteI think because he doesn't live with us and we see my family so infrequently and never get to take him with us....
*sigh*
So how do we find the new people?
Can we take out an ad? *grin* I really don't know...is there a search we can do for people blogging less than x amount of time. Or perhaps just have other folks send us in the right direction if they come across someone.
ReplyDeleteOOH! I know, let's ask Ann...she seems to know everyone....
I would like to connect with more new bloggers as well - being a new blogger myself. Invisibility has been, and is, a theme in my life, so I can understand how painful this situation is for you. You sound like a very kind and loving person and your step-son is very fortunate to have you in his life. Children need stability and consistency and if you and his Dad continue to provide that in his life the rewards will likely come when he is older. Step families are so very complex. I admire you so much for opening your heart and your home to this young man, especially without the acknowledgement.
ReplyDeleteThank you Leone!
ReplyDeleteI thought about starting a blog, maybe a team blog, with a suitable title which people can email us a description of the blog which we post. We tag it with a keyword so people can look for spiritual or art blogs just click on that... But how do you make sure people find it?
It might sound strange to you, but I feel very invisible to the outside world these days ~ I'm completely in line with what you're talking about here, Rose. I feel that as I've become more 'Me', who I want to be, I've dropped out more and more from the groups and stuff I felt I just had to do when I was younger.
ReplyDeleteThat's why Blogland has been such a lifeline, because I don't feel so invisible here, and I know that my voice can be heard.
On the subject of step-mums, my Rubin goes to stay with his dad and new wife fairly regularly. She's been around since he was coming up for 2, and I know she loves having him in her life. It's a little bit strange for me, because I don't really know her at all, but now that Rubin talks a lot more, he tells me things. And, strangely, since my ex remarried, our relationship has dramatically improved and he's started talking to me more. So I discovered recently that they refer to Su's parents as 'granny' and 'grandpa' with Rubin, and that these step-grandparents buy him christmas presents and birthday presents. I was pretty shocked, as his own father's parents have pretty much rejected him (because they are Indian and I'm English).
I would feel hurt if in your shoes, honey. But the relationship that you and S have is far more important, and the closeness of that is the truely telling factor.
He's lucky to have you in his life; and I think Rubin is lucky to have Su and her extended family in his life too.
Lots of love.
I am sorry you feel invisible Sam but I am glad you have found blogland and have your voice here, we are richer for it.... I wish S had a mother who felt more as you do...
ReplyDeleteSo sad that he his paternal grandparents are so narrow minded! I don't understand such things...