I had to go back to work today and I hated it. I had been telling myself that it is the people that you work with that make a job. Going back made me realise that I hadn't actually missed any of them. I was glad to be free of the dramas and games. I know this all got worse with the coming of the Little Princess but it was there before.
I didn't sleep well last night. OK so F was working and I was missing him but I slept fine when he worked last week. My ability to sleep often reflects my inner state. If I sleep badly things aren't right, or ate something bad.... I woke up early as well and there was no chance of getting back to sleep.
F meanwhile was at work and having fun. He was paid to go out and eat and his food was paid for. Not that is an everyday thing but his job is certainly much more fun than mine.... I sit in front of a computer and focus on it all day. When I leave my eyes hurt and my head hurts. I can say I get to have much fun.
I did find solace in the basic routine of it all, it did become somewhat zen like but sharing the role took away the zen really. The problem is my company is successful. Work is increasing. Things are going to change beyond all recognition. There will be, at some point, more staff, more responsibility and all... For as i had to train the Little Princess, I would have to take part in the training of some of the likely newcomers.
There are games being played at higher level than those I work with. When, how and all the other questions won't be answered for some time yet, not until the last minute. Even though certain people receive the same pay, it doesn't mean they do the same job. If you are able, somewhere like that, then you get exploited. Not intentionally, but you get exploited all the same.
I want money. I want to finish sorting out my house. I want money saved up. I want to be able to afford the wedding of my dreams. I want to be able to afford to have children. Is this ever going to happen in my current job? Not a chance - I may not be on minimum wage but I am not so far above it. I am too tired to consider overtime, not that it comes along very often but when it does come along it floods through my life, taking over everything.
Does my job give me any warm fuzzies? No. It is a pure capitalist venture really. Does F's job give him the warm fuzzies? Yes. Does it pay nicely? oh yes. Does it tire him out and mak ehis eyes and head hurt? No. Why am I still in my old job, where is my application form.....
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