Fear

As I may have mentioned I have a lovely glorious week off. F doesn't however as he has just started his new job. He is now working shifts and I have to get used to him working evenings and nights as well as days. Some weeks I will see very little of him... This week I would only have seen him one evening after work and the weekend.... Except I took the week off.

Yesterday he left me at midday and returned home this morning. This change has made me realise how dependent I am on him. Not to do things for me, but as company and a rock. In my late teens a few things happened to me and I became a little agoraphobic. I don't think I am agoraphobic really now but I think I will always have this tendency.

In the old job he would have two late finishes a week and he would work every other Sunday. These Sundays would always be days when I would have trouble getting myself going. Getting out of the house can take a fair bit of will power. Getting out when I am by myself takes either purpose or determination. Work or existing arrangements get me out no problem but if I don't HAVE to go out then, I tend not to. I can slowly turn into a hermit. Sometimes I have when I haven't been working.

I have so many things I want to do this week though, I don't want to waste it. Last night it was getting towards 7 and I started to get cross with myself. So I grabbed Little Dog and we went and walked round a local reservoir for an hour. She had a whale of a time and I enjoyed myself to, although i didn't bound around like she did....

If I enjoy going out so much, why is it still so hard to get out by myself?