Hope

Last night F made it clear he thought I should give work ago. So I did and it was dire. I felt awful. It is one thing to feel well while sat on a sofa gazing gormlessly at the TV but quite another to feel well when you have to be up and moving about, dealing with people and working. I felt very fatigued, physically exhausted and slightly fluttery.

I lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes before meeting with my Boss and coming home.

I went via the shop to stock up on easy food as I probably won't be going anywhere much for the next few days. Then I went home and called the doctor who i shall visit tomorrow.

So why am I going to the doctor? I have a virus which has knocked me about a bit and although the coldy and stomachy symptoms are gone it has laid me low. Nothing they can do about viruses... I do want to talk a little about my hormones though as this whole thing really began last week. But really I am going to the doctor so I can say to work see, I went to the doctor.

Isn't it dire? In order to feel justified in taking time off work, I have to go to the doctor knowing they can do nothing for me and I am wasting theirs and my time. This probably seems a very, very bizarre situation to those of you in countries where health care is not free. Not uncommon here though. I can't say if this says more about my feelings about being ill or whether it is a true reflection of employers attitudes to sickness.

I don't get paid for being off sick though. I have not worked there long enough. I guess that is a point in my favour... It does mean money is going to be tighter next month for me but I have lovely man... I have been good this month though. I bought my beautiful socks, which arrived today. I have bought some leg and arm warmers paid for by an unexpected payout for some previous work. The troll bracelet was paid for by birthday money. No wild excursions. No visits to friends with bottles of wine. No meals out. So hopefully it won't be too bad. Next month there is a whole bunch of overtime coming my way so December will be fine for finishing off present shopping, for those I havn't made.

I left the house and found a rainbow glinting in the sky in front of me. I caught it three more times in different places before I got to work. It is a blustery day with little showery clouds scudding across the blue sky. Rainbows to me signify hope and beauty. To see so many in such a short space of time.

When I left work I saw two magpies and then a third as I drove away. A time of change, a promise of hope and beauty. I do feel that this year in this job, I am trying to prove something, that this is only a temporary thing. Something I have to do. To not flit about. To stop searching and let my life come to me, until I know what it is I am searching for, until fate and life and synchronicity take me on somewhere else. A time to be patient. To hold down a job.

The other night I was feeling pretty down so I dragged out my tarot. Over the last few days I have done three different spreads. The onw about my life and the one about the general situation were not very interesting. Little I didn't know. The other was a spread called merlin's Mirror which is all about identifying the real you.

I had six major arcana in my reading. Most of the more mundane cards were about where I am currenly at and what I am currently doing. I had Gawain (Strength), the Washer at the Ford (Death), The Cauldron (Temperance), Sleeping Lord (Judgement), Fool and the Green Man (Devil). In my other readings I also had Merlin (Magician), White Hart (Lovers) linked to relationships and The Spiral Tower (Tower) linked to my future.

That is a pretty heavy lot of major arcana to get. Things are moving in my life under the surface and change is on it's way. I hope it is time for my dreams.