Tarot

A little Samhain tarot, using Arthurian Tarot.

Prydwen's Anchor
1. What is happening right now - Sword Five
Defeat, slander, cowardice, unethical behaviour, divisive means, thwarted plans, sloppy or malicious thinking causes things to go awry. I guess the question is, who is making things go awry, me or someone else...

2. Current direction - Stone Knight
Responsible and trustworthy, patient and methodical, may seem dull but is stubbornly committed. So I guess that is where I am heading right?

3. How am I preventing the free flow of my life - Spear Three
Established strength, controlled intention, intuitive understanding gives an expansive outlook and resulting opportunities, scrupulous responsibility, enterprising initiative. I always find this spot a hard one to read, is this what I am doing or what I need to be doing?

4. Current opportunities - Merlin
The impulse of creation, imaginative insight, mastery through disciplined skill, initiative, self confidence, perception on all levels, alignment to and free flow with one's life patterns. This is precisely the opportunity I want!

5. Home / Family - Spear Queen
Deeply committed to healing the earth, deeply attuned to its needs and has suffered in it's service. Her grief is well hidden and she is generous and friendly to all.

6. Job / Vocational - The Wounded King
Wisdom gained through hardship and experience, spiritual insight, commitment to inner principles, a changing of one's life, inner healing, meditation, purification, stripping away inessentials, self sacrifice. I think this fits with work...

7. Relationships - Sword Nine
Suffering, grave doubts, guilt, premonitions, nightmares, cruelty, despair, depression, inability to take personal responsibility for one's path, the need for a disciplined lifestyle and commitment to logical thought. I don't like this one bit.

8. What should I become self aware of - Stone Nine
Accomplishment, enjoyment of solitary pursuits, love of nature, aesthetic pleasure derived from one's belongings, relaxation and leisure, ease, fulfillment of physical needs.

9. The Past - Sword Three
Sorrow, separation, deep disappointment, loss, the possession of the thoughts by jealousy, brooding on personal slights, it is necessary to analyse one's receptivity to the tide of events and acknowledge one's responsibility for others pain. I can go with that.

10. Possible future outcomes - Sword King
Giver of justice, a wise counsellor, analytical judgements, severity tempered by impartiality, shows how love of self-analysis and truth ay govern one's life.

A mixed bag for next year then. I hate the court cards, I find them so hard to place in a reading. I can't say as that reading feels me with joy, there are some difficult things in counterpoint. It completely agrees with the feeling of impending upheaval that seems to be circling me. I don't think it is going to be an easy ride at all.

Let's look at self limitation with Mabon's Gate...

1. What I would like to achieve - Taliesin
Tradition, revelation, inspiration, insight, preservation of heritage, initiation, advice or counsel, transformation of the mundane into the spiritual. Pretty spot on I think.

2. Blocks - Sword seven
Unstable effort, little progress, plans fail as a result of confued thinking, self-deceit, passivity, over-defensive, the need for proper conceptualization. Harsh but fair I guess.

3. Unconscious blocks - Arthur
Leadership, authoritative energy, the weilding of power for the good of all, will power, organisation, courage, responsible love, fatherhood, dynamism. Eek. Not sure how this fits exactly. Maybe it just means I worry to much about others.

4. Already achieved - The Sun
Innocence, purity, enthusiasm, warmth, a loving heart, joy, freedom, enlightenment, wholeness, health, intolerance of shadows in any aspect of life, clarity, directness, true vocation realized. A nice card to get, perhaps overplaying things a little....

5. What helped me - Stone four
Earthly power, conscientious ambition, material gain, possessiveness, selfishness, spiritual miserliness, time to be generous with others.

6. How have I helped myself - Grail six
Rediscovery of one's roots,ancestral memories, the pleasure of remembered links, a sense of tradition and continuance, atavism, karmic recall. so digging around in the past then...

7. The way others see my idea - Spear six
Victory, advancement realized through steady growth, pride in achievement, recognition, intuitively self-confident, ceremonial honours.

8. Who will benefit - Stone hallow
Incisive energy, the dispelling of illusions, conquest, championship, strength and power, love of truth and justice, the power of the mind, rational deduction or perception, light in dark places. Who?

9. How I can revisualise my idea - The Flowering of Logres
Restoration, culmination, triumph, attainment, perfection, rapture, spiritual healing, creative growth, the new aeon. What? Really? *blush*

10. The next step - The Spiral Tower
Reversal of energies, withdrawl of old customs phases and concepts, shocking change, liberation from outworn concepts, humility, the realization of limitations, natural forces at work, a curative illness, loss of cosy security, transfiguration, self-awareness. Oh dear, so much for a peaceful life...

11. The key to unlock achievement - The White Hart
Love, both sexual and spiritual, the vision of inner beauty, emotional ties, trust, the marriage of hearts and minds, friendship, fulfillment of desire. I guess the other reading was being a bit mean about my relationships then....

I don;t know why but prydwen's anchor has been mean recently, not that I have done many readings using it.... Mabon's Gate was much nicer and offered much more hope.

Spirit

Pinkfairygran asked a question about the difference between spirits and ghosts. I did a little reading....

We all have a soul. Our soul exists before we are born and will continue after we are born. Our spirit is more connected with us and grows in strength with us. So some people have stronger spirits than others. It is our essence, what makes us us in this life. Spirited people have stronger essences.

Lots of things have spirits if you believe in animism. Trees, rocks, whatever....

A ghost is the spirit of someone that has died but tends to be used to refer to an apparition of a dead person. They haunt the place that they died. I have heard them described as the emotional energy left as a sort of tape recording of traumatic events. Some ghosts are more than mindless reinactments of past events. I think it is these ghosts that are a little more that are more truly spirits because they still retain something of the original person.

I remember ghost stories from my childhood being all about ghost horsemen and people seeing some traumatic event being replayed. It doesn't seem to be so much like that these days. Maybe it is because of programmes such as Most Haunted. Most Haunted would definitely be all about contacting spirits rather than watching ghostly apparitions. The spirits of Most Haunted might be able to move things, talk through a medium, affect the temperature or appear as an orb but they don't seem to be able to appear as ghosts. Do you ever hear of ghosts in this way any more?

All i know is that I have never seen a ghost. Have you?

I did a ghost walk once of an old market town. He had made quite a study of the ghosts in the older buildings around the market square and had some interesting insights.

Ghosts respond to their own culture, not the culture of those trying to get rid of them. A Chinese restaurant in this town became haunted by a hanged person. They were very superstitious and tried every thing they could from the considerable wealth of lore they had from their varied homelands. Nothing worked and eventually they had to admit defeat and call in a local ghost expert who exorcised the ghost and it was never seen again.

Ghosts in that town appear to have a time delay. They start to appear so many years after their death and then so many years later they fade away. So all the ghosts appearing in that town came from the same era. The earlier ghosts reported by other past generations had faded away and were no longer seen. The energy fades. The recording stops. The ghost fades. The spirit moves on?

A shaman called Reya who writes the blog The Gold Puppy wrote about a war memorial in DC that suddenly seemed to have become a doorway for the spirits of the dead from the Vietnam war to start moving through. Maybe their delay was over. Maybe we all sort of stick close to this realm when we first die. Maybe it varies from soul to soul. I don't know.

But also it seems to me that the behaviour of ghosts has changed over the years too. Maybe the way the ghosts behave depends on how they believe they will behave. Maybe those spirits who died horrible deaths, just wanted to show others how they died. Maybe some spirits just don't want to leave their homes. Maybe some want to scare people because they like to do that. Maybe the mother visits the child because that is what they want to do. Maybe the spirits that Most Haunted find don't want to appear, maybe they can't.

I grew up in a very old cottage. Over four hundred years old. It used to be two tiny farm labourers cottages but at some point they were made into one. The house had no foundations and creeked and moved as it heated and cooled, dried and sucked up moisture. I grew up used to all te noises of wood and brick moving. Two staircases with one splitting half way up to go to my folks room or my room. If someone went to my aprents room i would not wake but if they set one foot on a stair in the fork to my room, i would instantly wake. Those noises were the house and were familiar and known. Not scary but comforting and familiar.

I never saw a ghost or felt a ghost there. Many people must have died there over the years but I never felt anything other than happiness and quiet support from the house and garden. At one point in my life I attracted some nasty thing. A black blob. For a while i had to make a circle to sleep in. A witch friend I spoke to on the phone about it felt an echo of it that night and had to sleep in a circle to. It followed me, like a black dog from Cornwall to my parents house (maybe it went because I got Big Dog... hmmm....). And there it had to stand at the gate, it couldn't step onto that land. I have no doubt some powerful folk lived there and they set up protections that still remain. Maybe their spirits linger and protect it. Who knows. I can't remember how but the black thing one day went....

So I guess we shouldn't be scared of ghosts or spirits but we should treat them like we would people. Don't take sweeties from strangers (*laugh* except at haloween) but allow them to gain our respect and trust so they can be friends, if they deserve it. Just cos we can't see them, doesn't mean they are not there. And just because they are there doesn't mean we should pester them.

Come Again

So here we are on Samhain. On the outside we are not going to be looking very haloweeny. We were given to signs by the police, one say trick or treaters welcome and one saying not welcome. I think we shall be sticking up the not welcome one with a little note underneath saying we have the lurgy. I might stick a bowl of sweets on the doorstep, not sure.

I will light candles for my dead. Big Dog. Uncle D who died a few weeks a go. My Gran, even though I never overly gelled with her. Her husband who I never met and know so little about because my Dad isn't very talkative about him (or anyone else). My Nan's two husbands (although she is still alive) my Grandad and my Uncle R. B who was a family friend who died of cancer when I was in my late teens. B who was a cousin's wife who died when I was very young and who was my first experience of death. I remember vaguely having that conversation with my Mum.

I think I will also do a reading by the candles tonight. I like tarot. I like reading others readings to. Eco Yogini posted hers today but blogger wouldn't let me comment....

I guess what I really wanted to write about was the dream I had last night. I dreamt I was pregnant. Very pregnant. I realised something had happened to the baby as it had not moved in some time. I told F and he took me to the hospital. We knew the baby was dead and needed to come out but we couldn't find the casualty (A & E) department in the hospital. It seemed it would appear at the time it was due to open. I kept walking around the hospital trying to find it so I could be rid of my dead baby. Shortly before I woke up, my waters broke. No one cared about finding me the A & E any more, the first nurse around was grabbed instead....

I guess my interpretation of it is that not all things that begin are meant to be. Something has begun with me that is not supposed to be and although I know it is not meant to be I have to wait for it's time to end. That time is close. There might be some pain. No caesarian for me, the department that would have done that wasn't there, not for me. I have to do it the painful, old fashioned way but the people to help are all around.

I know I don't write and remember my dreams as often as I should, only when they really want to be remembered. I have no bedside lamp so i can not write them down in the middle of the night easily. I probably should sort this. Sometimes my dreams are very.... I am convinced I had a dream warning that I would lose Big Dog.

Anyway, Happy Samhain!

Ghost Story

Some of my new books came through the door today. One of these was The Mystery of Grace by Charles de Lint. As well as the second of the Fionavar books, why couldn't it have been the first one that arrived first?

So I start reading The Mystery of Grace and discover it is the perfect book for Samhain. It is all about a lady who dies and finds that she can come back on Samhain and Beltaine when the veil is thin. The first time she comes back she meets a man....

I loved this story. So appropriate and a lovely take on this time of year. Not a scary ghost story or anything halloween-esk.

I love how sometimes i find myself, by chance, doing something appropriate for the time of year, quite by chance. Beltane found me drinking mead on a stag do with the Summer King waving a wand and wearing pink horns. Samhain finds me reading ghost stories. Yule found me standing in a hill fort watching a balefire being lit following a masked procession.

My birthday found me being gifted with rowan witch wood for a wand and a staff. Pure chance.

Chance happenings. Quietly becoming more in tune. How often are we in tune but don't notice it? The world turns whether we watch it or not. We are creatures of this earth no matter what we pretend.

The veil thins tomorrow whether people pay attention or not but unless we are listening or have a particular talent for it, chances are we won't come across a spirit who will make their presence felt. I have never seen a ghost and don't think I have felt one. Doesn't mean they arn't there and doesn't mean I won't remember my dead tomorrow.

Happy Samhain

Standing Still

I have had a go at journeying twice more and I havn't had anywhere near the same results as I did the first time. Beginner's luck maybe or just that there was some stuff desperate to make it's way through.

I just enjoyed the drum rhythms the first time. They took me nowhere at all. The second time I did travel but it was more of a visualisation than a journey. I started in the clouds again before plummeting downwards into a huge river delta with the sun glinting on the water. I fell in to the river and found myself on the bottom. Then there was a shark and I was in the sea and we were going down. Not much happened down there except it got dark.

The only spontaneous thing was the sharks appearance, the rest was very much me and offered no insights at all really to anything.

Maybe this really isn't my home or my way. Maybe I have another way I need to learn. I don't know but I shall keep trying I think. if only because it is nice and relaxing.

Apparently sharks stand for never being still, protection, remorselessness, ability to defend, connection to past knowledge and they guard the family.

In My Mind

So I decided to do a little reading about shamanic journeys as per Sam's suggestion. She is not the first person to suggest a shamanic path to me. It also seems that my experiences of dealing with energy in the workplace are a shamanic thing in some ways too.

I found some shamanic drumming on line here. It is only just over eight minutes long which isn't long - I think they want you buy their CD. It wasn't long enough to have much happen but it is amazing how much my mind did manage to cram in.

Things like this tear me between the scientist and the witch. Is it all in my mind, made up by me, the scientist asks. The witch says, who cares, your mind has a lot of great things to say to you.... Who cares if it is coming from your mind or somewhere else.

So here goes. i was listening to the drumming and I could feel it making me move slightly. Somehow just idle listening isn't enough. You have to feel it an be it. I know this sounds odd but this was something i realised when I did the TAW exercise on drawing to music. Listening is an active thing, not a passive thing.

And then I thought, I want to fly, so I was up in the clouds, doing swan dives and running. I reminded myself of sonic the hedgehog completing levels. Then I thought no, this isn't flying and I was gliding on the winds above mountains with huge wide brown wings. High, high above. Then I tipped to one side to bank and the world tipped and I was no longer there, I was a blue parrot eating a nut in a tree.

I know the blue parrot. I did some visualisaion work years ago on my basic and higher selves. My basic self is a mole called Scrutius who likes to find things and wears some pink winged glasses a la Dame Edna Everidge. My higher self was Anyol, the blue haired, blue parrot spirit.

I called to the parrot and she transformed into the blue haired woman, naked. We hugged and then I fell from the tree. I landed in a river as a rock. Not moving. I remembered that rocks only move in rocky rivers when a storm comes along and then they get swept somewhere completely different. Change hits them completely.

So I asked if a storm was coming and looked up and I could see the sky was turning that bronzey colour, not just a little part of the sky near the horizon but all of it.

Then I was a bear and I was with another black bear and we hugged. Then I clearly heard 'this is not your home either'. The drumming on the computer reached that pitch that calls you out and I was back here.

Maybe I need a drum...

Thoughts on a postcard...

I did find the drum helped. I have done a fair bit of visualisation over the years but quite often it feels a little stilted and forced. This felt far more fluid, flip oh I am somewhere else. I came out feeling better and grounded....

OK so these are my thoughts on it.... The computer game feel of the beginning, I think reflects how my life has been in the past. Study this, progress to this, level up. you can fly, but fly like this.

I expressed unhappiness at this and moved out of it. I am not sure what the bird was, except that it was huge, brown and lived in the mountains. Maybe a golden eagle, who knows. but the whole world was laid out beneath me. These sorts of birds represent seeing things clearly, from above, even things that are hidden, courage, power and blance.

The forest was full of tall trees, forest giants and I remained in this forest for the remainder of the journey. The blue parrot didn't fit and i felt as if i was saying good bye to Anyol.

I think the thing with the rock in the river is fairly clear. It was a warning, an advance notification, that change, when it finally comes will be sudden and complete for me. It wasn't meant to be scary because the rock is still a rock once the river has flooded and moved it.

The bear hugged me in friendship and welcome. Apparently the bear is the animal of shamans and mystics, transformation, healing and introspection. I had been watching a programme last night about black bears in Canada's forests....

The comment about this not being my home, I think, goes back to homes of the heart. Charles de Lint talks of these in some of his books. They are that little corner of the other world which is ours and ours alone and reflects us as we are. The eagle above the mountains, the blu parrot in the tree with the nut, the rock in the river and the bear in the forest, none of these are me, they are not my home. But it is slightly bizarre....

the joy of having time at home ill is that you have time to seize interesting things and do them there and then.... Oh and the animal stuff was from this website.

Would still love your thoughts and insights....

Down but not Out

I went to the Doctor and got myself another nice little piece of paper. No more drugs though as he feels my chestiness is viral. No mention of bronchitus or pneumonia or any other such thing. Swine flu may have been present but it doesn't matter whether it was or not because there is no way of proving it one way or the other now.

I am just ill and I have another seven days off work.

I am in no hurry to get back. I don't want to go back. I am restless and waiting for the wind to blow me on somewhere else. All the politics and difficulties and struggling colleagues. I just don't want it.

I must admit, before I got ill, that last time. On the Friday when I felt rough and had had enough of everyone. I prayed to the goddess to not make me have to go back. I guess you should be careful what you wish for. It also doesn't stop me from having to go back. It just delays it and gives me a breathing space (*laugh* with a chest infection*).

So where do I go from here? Is there any way I can avoid having to go back but still have money? I have to give a months notice. I have no other job to go to and there are not that many about right now. If I didn't go back I would get a bad reference making it harder to get another job.

I guess I just need to accept the inevitable and keep praying that I win the lottery.

I guess not liking your job is pretty common.

Mostly Down

Not so good last night and today. The nasty bug has retreated but the chest thing is settling in despite the antibiotics. I am going to book another appointment. That is all I have to say tonight really. No thoughts. No activities. A day of sleeping and being over-sensitive.

But I am going on holiday next year! To the lovely Lake District with all my family and F and S. Will be lovely!

Update

I have to say I am beginning to feel a little more human. Any exertion such as walking to the kitchen still leaves me out of breath but I have got to the stage where sitting on the sofa all day isn't making me feel dreadful.

I spoke my Mum this evening. She is a nurse and talk obviously turned to my being ill. She does wonder if it might have been swine flu and to be honest, it could well have been. Without a swab, there is no proving it and it doesn't really matter what label it has. It made me look rough enough that the Doctor gave me nice bits of paper. Being able to tell others that I had swine flu would probably gain more sympathy just because then they understand that I have been really ill....

She suggested I should try and get out and start going for some very short walks. Partly to help build myself up and partly to get some nice healthy fresh air into my poor beleagured lungs. It was as if my lungs were full of gunk at the bottom. Not so they hurt or made me cough, just so that I had less lung with which to breath.

Tonight F is out. He has gone for food and then to a big and, most probably, astoundingly good concert. A fantastic singer who accompanies himself with his guitar. Who with his second album has broken into the charts and become well known, the fantastic Newton Faulkner. I doubt he would make it into the top ten, he is far to good for that in many ways. Go listen to this... i would love to have heard him sing it.

I am obviously disappointed but I couldn't face going and out and about for a few hours. Breathing and walking and talking and lots of noise.

What does make me glad though, is that my ticket has gone to someone who was desperate to go and had missed out on getting a ticket. They had tried everything they could think to get a ticket and failed. And then today, suddenly, at the tenth hour, there it is. That does make me happy.

What makes me sad is that I seem to have this chain of bad luck with going to good things....

I have a dream to go to the Minack Theatre. This is a beautiful little amphitheatre on the cliffs above a cove. One year I saw they had on War of the Worlds. I love that musical and I love the book. Perfect. The weather only stops them for a couple of performances a year. Of course we booked for one of those. Horizontal rain....

Flashdance in Plymouth. The leading lady and her understudy fell prey to illness and injury. I can't remember which had what but they cancelled the show.

My friend Red coming down and giving me the opportunity to go to witchy places with a fellow witch and I get ill....

The only theatre trip we had booked this year and a really good one at that and here I am.

I do feel a little doomed. The big things i really look forward to, those special one off treats... The things that are not on long enough that you can rebook. One offs. Opportunity missed due to the intervention of fate.

So there we are...

Fate did do something nice for me though. f had a nasty full on week when despite me being here all the time, I would hardly see him. Suddenly something got cancelled and he has some time to spend at home now. Lovely!

Who Do You Think You Are? Part Four

Exercise 7 - The Themes I Have Already Seen

• I find contact with animals very rewarding both as pets or in nature. I am curious about them and enjoy assisting them.
• I find certain physical activities really draw me. They are sports more concerned with outdoor exploration than competition. I keep coming back to them but never quite devote the money to them to make them sustainable.
  
• I like using my body in a way that requires strength and movement but not speed.
• I like focused activities requiring a high degree of precision that allow me to make something. I particularly like making things with a strong geometrical aspect.
• I enjoy learning, each thing has to be different. Variety is the spice of life.
• I love a good story. Although I like writing, it is not the words that are most important but the story itself. I don't care how the story is put across so much. My dreams often take the form of stories.

Who Do You Think You Are? Part Four

Exercise 5 - Selecting 8 Key Achievements

1. Junior Reading Cup
2. Climbing Trees
3. Befriending Collie
4. AutoCAD and the lightbulb puzzle
5. Beading
6. Rescuing Big Dog
7. Making animations
8. Making a papier mache mask

Exercise 6 - My Eight Achievements

1. Junior Reading Cup

What was the achievement?
I won a prize for the best reading of a selected passage of text.

How did I get involved?
this was an annual competition held by my school, divided into several age groups. All you had to do was put your name on a piece of paper and then turn up at the time you were given. I always had a real have a go sort of an attitude, if someone gave me an opportunity, i would do it for the heck of it.

What did I do?
I turned up. I think while we were waiting outside we were given the book with a marked passage to look at and practice. I would read it through to myself a few times. Make sure I knew how to say any difficult words. Look at all the clues in the passage about how to say it, like punctuation and the emotion of the piece. Then I went in there and I read it with all my heart.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I love reading stories out loud. I always did from the times my Mum and I would read to each other. I loved reading to classes at school and I could hold them in the palm of my hand. I would do all the voices and really feel the story. We did a workshop as part of teacher training on reading out loud and using puppets and things. We had to read the opening page of a book and I chose Private Peaceful by Michael Morpurgo. Not only had I chosen a fantastic opening piece but was one of the best at reading it too. I love the stories and I love bringing them alive.


2. Climbing Trees

What was the achievement?
I was the best tree climber in my year at school.

How did I get involved?
We had extensive grounds at my school. It was old manor house and a lawn stretched away on one side leading to woods with paths between and a lovely big pond. Climbing trees was something we all did. There were no adults watching us and telling us to be careful, we were on our own.

What did I do?
I was able to look at a tree and plan a route up it. From this branch to that. I could just see how to get up. I was big and strong and tall and I liked using my body to go up.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I loved the feel of using my body. I loved being able to escape where nowhere else was able to reach me. I loved the view and the peacefulness. I loved the trees themselves to. The textures of the different barks, the way different types had different arrangements of branches. I felt part of the landscape by interacting with it.


3. Befriending Collie

What was the achievement?
As a child we had a collie. We had been given him when a relative moved from a farm and no longer had room for such a big active outdoor dog. He lived in our garden. If it was cold and we bought him in, he would get to hot and ask to go out again. He was a clever and independent sort of a dog. A man's dog.

How did I get involved?
The collie didn't like me much and I can't say as I blamed him. When I was little I used to do all sorts of nasty things, like pull his hair and push him around. One time I hit him over the head with my space hopper, I remember a set of teeth zooming towards my forehead. He didn't leave a mark, he just wanted to scare me. He was always a dog who felt the punishment should match the crime. As I got older I regretted that he didn't trust me and endeavoured to do something about it.

What did I do?
I did everything I could to take care of him. The nasty things obviously came to an end. I made sure I was the one to feed him. I gave him lots of fuss, when he would accept it. I would brush him.

What did I find satisfying about it?
He did begin to trust and like me. He never forgot, I could see it in his eyes. he never forgot the child he was but he accepted the person I wanted to become. He used to get matted fur, being outside and being a long haired dog. If you pulled his hair while brushing him he would turn round and pull on of your arm hairs. He would only let my Dad brush his back legs but eventually he would let me do it to. Being worthy in the eyes of an animal is a good thing.


4. AutoCAD and the Lightbulb Puzzle

What was the achievement?
I gained my City and Guilds in AutoCAD and had to complete some tricky geometrical puzzles in order to do it.

How did I get involved?
I did A level Design and Technology and as part of that we had to do a little CAD. I enjoyed it. The college decided to offer a City and Guilds and we were able to sign up to do it. I did, that old have a go mentality.

What did I do?
In our spare time we would go and work through exercises and finally some test pieces. I really enjoyed them, the trickier the better. We were not always given all the dimensions of the piece we were trying to replicate so we would build up a series of construction lines and use geometry to work out how to correctly draw each object. I remember a light bulb in particular in which we were not given the dimensions of many of the curved sections and had to work them out.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I loved it. I loved breaking the drawing down into layers, deciding where to put construction lines in order to know where to draw. I enjoyed planning the drawing and breaking it down so I could build it up on the screen. I enjoyed the puzzle.


5. Beading

What was the achievement?
Learning how to make beaded jewellery. I learnt a variety of stitches, such as peyote, herringbone and brick. I learnt how to begin and end pieces. I learnt to make freeform pieces. I learnt to make complicated pieces involving different sizes of beads and stitches. I learnt to use wire. I learnt to braid and use a loom. I unleashed my creativity which had not had an outlet in over a decade.

How did I get involved?
I worked for a group of glamorous ladies who always wore nice clothes and had lovely jewellery. I couldn't afford to buy all the things they did but it occurred to me tht I could learn to make them myself. Jewellery didn't seem to threatening so i signed up for a course. I learnt enough of the basics to carry on, using books and such. One of my local beading shops has a weekly class with a new design each week. If you don't go to the class you can still go in and look at the patterns and buy ones you like. I eventually went to the class as well. I learnt through making.

What did I do? I consider myself able to follow any pattern. I am even able, given time to work out the stitches, able to come up with complicated designs of my own.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I had not done anything creative in years. There wasn't time when i was studying and everything creative had slowly anished from my life after I left school. I enjoyed the creativity. The following of complex patterns. The colours and shapes. Having something nice at the end of it was a bonus.


6. Rescuing Big Dog

What was the achievement?
Big Dog was a mess when I got him. His wounds and health had been seen to before he was placed up for homing. He was still covered in scare and had a bare patch on his side where an M had been burnt with cigarettes. His jaw, tail and ribs had all been broken at some time in the past. Although his ills had been seen to, he was still a broken dog. If you uncrossed your legs, he thought you were going to kick him. If you raised your voice, he wet himself in fear. He was terrified of people. I had him for 7 1/2 years and when he died he had had a long and happy life. His early beginnings were long behind him. He was always a little odd but he learnt not to be terrified of everything.

How did I get involved?
My lodgers wanted me to get a dog. They promised to share in walking and feeding and costs. I knew they wouldn't. I knew they would forget as soon as I got a dog. I knew it would be my responsibility. I loved dogs but I wasn't sure I was ready. I was more than a little broken myself. I knew if I got a dog, it would be my responsibility and no one elses.

I was going home for a few days and during this time there was to be a greyhound fundraiser. I didn't tell my folks what I was thinking of. There were a few dogs there for rehoming and I nearly chickened out. Towards the end of the day there was an announcement that there was one dog left. I went to see it. It was already with the couple who were to take it home as a foster dog.

This black shiny dog and I stood and looked at each other. i have no idea who was more nervous. My only words were 'he'll do'. The foster folks had an interesting expression at my words but the charity rep knew my family pretty well, my Dad still works for the charity. So I had no need of a home check or any such. And just like that Big Dog was mine.

What did I do?
I walked him twice a day - quite a thing for a girl of my age to be walking a big dog who was looked like they had been thoroughly abused. Particularly as he was so obnoxious with other dogs when on the lead. i don't think anyone ever thought for more than a couple of seconds that I might have been the one though.

I fed him and gave him a roof. He could always retreat to my room if he was scared and he often did. People could come in the house when i wasn't in and never know there was a dog because he was hidden away. I gave him lots of love. I didn't abuse him. and I was very, very patient. I accepted him as he was and loved him and in time he grew into an almost normal dog. there is something about dogs who have abusive pasts. They are somehow more grateful and loving because they know they are lucky. They have more personality and quirks. The relationship is somehow more rewarding and deeper.

What did I find satisfying about it?
What isn't satisfying about helping a broken soul mend itself? What wouldn't be satisfying about loving and being loved? I didn't try and make him other than what he was and he loved me as i was. He stopped me from being lonely and alone.


7. Making Animations

What was the achievement?
Learning to make simple animations using a web cam and software. I made two - some playdough worms running around and a group one of Moses parting the dead sea.

How did I get involved?
A requirement of my teacher training course.

What did I do?
We made models and for the Moses one we made a simple paper set as well. Plasticine and playdough. Then when you shoot the it, you have to take a picture and then move things very slowly before taking another picture. Making a short animation takes a fair bit of work and a systematic and careful approach.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I like working on things slowly and thoroughly that give me a nice rewarding concrete thing at the end. I like being precise and thorough.


8. Making a Papier Mache Mask

What was the achievement?
I made a papier mache mask from scratch in one morning.

How did I get involved?
A requirement of my course.

What did I do?
I had an idea in my head. I didn't want to work in a pair so I didn't, even though I am not sure my lecturer was too impressed. I got there early so that I could start straight away. I carefully cut out my card base with eye and mouth holes. I carefully made the features of the face with card and wire and masking tape. Then I covered it all in newsprint and cellulose paste. Once this was done I added small pieces of different colour tissue papers. I then sprinkled bluey greeny glitter over the top and left it to dry.

What did I find satisfying about it?
I liked realising a creative vision. I liked what I made. I like having my mask on my wall.


If you have made it this far then I am really impressed. This really wasn't written for an audience. I just find writing things on my blog helps them to get written. They somehow have more purpose and meaning behind them. I also find it easier to complete things if I blog about them.

Who Do You Think You Are? Part Three

Exercise Four - Telling my Story

Childhood
Ace tree climber
Junior reading cup
Learning to Ride
Catching crickets with my bare hands
Matchstick model of a playground

Teenage Years
Progress in Gym Cup
Learning to Kayak
Diving off a boat
Scuba diving through a wreck
Catching birds in order to release them
Befriending collie
AutoCAD and the lightbulb puzzle
Learning Tai Chi
Picking fruit for my Mum
Making a working group model of crane

Twenties
Returning to riding and learning how to tell horse to go sideways
Learning how to scuba dive
Learning to bead
Laying flooring
Moving to Cornwall
Rescuing Big Dog

Thirties
Completing kayaking course on River Fal
Making animations
Making a papier mache mask
Learning how to silk paint
Learning how to use a bead loom

I don't remember to much of my childhood really but i did loads as a teen. I competed nationally in stock judging and public speaking and did pretty well. I did a group project to design and make a building energy management system. I was part of a sound and lighting crew for several college productions. I spoke on the radio for my college. I completed work experience in engineering for an airline. I won a prize for an electrical engineering project. I am not saying I didn't gain pleasure from these things but it was the doing not the achieving and they were 'interesting' more than pleasurable. It was also during these years that I came down with glandular fever.

My second bout of glandular fever began at 19 and turned into Chronic fatigue that took up all my early twenties. Once well I moved to Cornwall and did my degree. I loved studying. Really loved it and it took over my life a little. I made some fantastic friends I still have and really, really enjoyed it but the achievement of it, the first class honours, the final awful year of slog, all empty. By the time I had finished I was tired, run down, exhausted and depressed. My twenties finished better than they started though, much better and I was beginning to get my life together again.

Just a quick update really and maybe a slight whine.

I feel like I am missing out on so much by being ill. I missed spending time visiting spiritual places with a fellow witch. I missed meeting my girl friends for a meal at a lovely bar on a beautiful beach. I am probably going to miss going to see a gifted musician on Monday, one I have long been looking forward to as we bought the tickets some time ago. I may even miss a meal out next weekend, mostly because I can hardly go out with colleagues if I am off sick.

Yes I am getting a bit done but really not a lot. I have done a little reading. A tiny bit of beading, maybe about 3-4 hours total. A little meditative art to music. Some soul searching on career paths. A lot of vegging in front of the TV. A fair bit of sleeping. I literally find myself with so little energy that i can barely do the things I normally do in the quiet moments of my day.

If I bend over I feel dizzy. If I do anything that my body considers an exertion, which is any movement pretty much, my breathing goes a little funny. All I look though, is tired.

On Thursday I went to the supermarket on the way home to stock up on food a little. I managed to drop food on the floor as I picked up my bags. As I walked out a packet went flying past me, it had dropped out my bag to meet my foot...

Yesterday I got to sit around in the doctors for a while before receiving my precious bits of paper. I went to go and get my medicine and discovered my bank card was not in my wallet. I quickly realised that I must have left it in the card machine in the supermarket. I left my prescription and went to go get my card. Luckily they had it and I had enough ID to convince them it belonged to me.

Back at the Pharmacy I paid my money and proceeded to wait and wait and wait. People who had come after me, went. I sat and felt worse and worse and worse. I just wanted to burst into tears. I went and said something to the assistant, which is very unlike me. She went and spoke to the pharmacist who had done it but not realised I had come back. The assistant had told them when I returned, I had heard her.

So feeling a little sorry for myself.... I am not quite well enough to be bored and that in itself is slightly depressing. I can't remember the last time I saw so much day time TV....

Who Do You Think You Are? Part Two

Exercise 3 - My First Thoughts on my Achievements

• I was the best tree climber in my year at school. I was bigger than a lot of the other kids and although I wasn't quick, I was strong. I loved climbing trees. Up there I could escape. I knew the best trees in the school grounds. Some trees I could get so high up, I could see over the woods. I would sit up there and just enjoy.
• I won the junior reading cup. This involved reading a selected passage and the one who read it the best, won. I still love reading stories. I loved this part of being in school most. I could hold a class in the palm of my hand with a book. My last school felt I spent too long reading stories, that I should rush through them and onto the next thing. My Mum and I used to read to each other. She would buy a book and come snuggle in bed with me each night. We did this long after most parents would have stopped because we both enjoyed it. I remember when we were younger my Mum used to make up stories too, the hippo that lived in the drain by the bus stop and lived on the rose hips from the bush in the field behind.
• Gym. Being a larger kid, it took a little longer for me to gain control of my body, but I did, eventually. We used to have to do gym and make up routines on a theme. The very last term we did gym, my group did a fantastic routine. Our teacher considered it perfect and we nearly got to go in the school's honours book but one of the girls couldn't do the final head turn right, she kept forgetting. I had made the most progress of all of us and I won the Progress in Gymnastics cup. I loved that I had finally gained control.
• Riding. I decided at about the age of 7 or 8 that I wanted to ride. My Mum is terrified of horses but let me go to the stables at the end of our road anyway. I loved it. I still do when i get a chance. I love the whole feeling of it. The speed. The horses themselves. Getting out and about. Learning to do things well. I was a good rider for my age but I stopped. The stables shut and it was harder to get anywhere to ride. I went back to riding a few years ago and I loved it, cantering across the top of a hill on a windy day, figuring out how to tell that beautiful horse to step sideways.
• One of our PE teachers gave us the opportunity to learn to kayak in the schools pool. I was the only one from my year that did it and found my self with a group of younger girls. I loved it. I loved that the power in my body gave me the ability to move swiftly. One time I was ill and missed a session introducing new strokes allowing finer movements. The next week the teacher set up a course for us to get through. I had a go without the new strokes and I did it, very slowly and carefully and thoughtfully. I went on a camp in Scotland and went for day kayaking on a loch. Suddenly having space, I was able to develop a paddling rhythm that I never could in the small pool. I loved exploring. More recently I did a kayaking course on the River Fal. The Fal is part of a flooded river valley and the sea causes it to be tidal as far as Truro. It is very beautiful and there are many little tree lined creeks. We got to explore some of these. I never got to buy a kayak but F and I have been looking at some with speculation more recently, the sit on ones for playing in the surf.
• I went to Malta with my family and one day we went on a days boat trip. For lunch the boat stopped in a cove and we were able to swim and explore. I spent quite a bit of dive diving of the side of the boat. It was a long way down. I had never been able to persuade myself to dive off the high diving boards in a pool but here I was with no one watching, diving from just as high. My Mum tried to persuade me to jump but I soon discovered that that hurt and diving was far, far safer.
• On the same holiday I went scuba diving for the first time. I loved the feeling of freedom of movement. I loved the quiet. I went several times. Didnt see much. A sea slug I think was about it. The last time though was through a little wreck. I always wanted to do more and I did eventually. Unfortunately I discovered my ears are a real weakness. I had always been prone to ear infections and this was still an issue, even if I had no idea I had one. One day I went diving and discovered in the worst possible way that I had one. I burst my ear drum. Diving isn't a risk I am willing to take any more. I had a hole for nearly a year, I couldn't swim and had to be so careful washing my hear. And the pain! It is a regret because I truly loved it.
• As a child I remember being on a beach and picking up handfuls of sand. I was most surprised to find I had picked up a tiny flat fish. I am not sure my folks understood why I spent the rest of our time there intently picking up sand. I had a similar encounter with a bat. My parents were bell ringers and I spent a lot of time fiddling with things I shouldn't. One day I picked up some mould from the bottom of a vase and it untucked its head and looked at me before flying off. I have also had fantastic encounters with a seal and a badger. In primary school I was a loner and spent a lot of time catching crickets with my hands. I also used to catch birds as they would sometimes fly into my parents bedroom or our conservatory. Then there were my encounters with an Adder and a Slow Worm. i never did anything nasty to any of these animals, i was just fascinated by them, they were special moments of curiousity.
• I remember spending time building things as a child. Extravagant constructions of paper, card and toilet rolls. I remember spending a lot of time making a model of a playground out of matchsticks for guides. I could become very absorbed in my projects and spend a long time happily alone doing them. Knowing my Mum was elsewhere but nearby should i need her.
• I remember loving David Bellamy. From an early age I was fascinated by him and the things he spoke of. I love bogs and mud probably because of him. I was one of his books before I could even read and I still have it, well thumbed and adored.
• Carrying on with bogs. I love bogs, mires, swamps, reed banks and fens. I adore them. One branch of my family originates from the fens. Maybe love of bogs is in my genes. I love willow carr, a type of habitat found hereabouts. Low willow trees growing out of shallow mud and water. Lovely woodland bogs. Green and verdant and wild. I feel a connection to them. For me they are sacred places.
• While on my teacher training, I learnt how to make animations. I really loved this. Only simple things. As a group we had to do a cross curricular animation in English. I suggested RE, because it is full of stories and we did Moses parting the dead sea. It was so simple but so effective. I also did another animation of some blobs of playdough shaped into worms wriggling around each other. Simple but fun.
• I find beading satisfying. I particularly love using beads to form 3D shapes. Changing sides of beads to make a simple stitched piece curl into a spiral. Making hexagons, squares, triangles. I loved the way combining two stitches created the eggbox bracelet i made recently. I love freeform pieces. Funky shapes.
• Actually my love of geometry goes deeper. I always loved it. I liked geometrical constructions in Maths. Not surprisingly I loved CAD. The planning of breaking an object down into shapes so you can logically form it on the screen. Some of our tests in my City and guilds required a good geometrical understanding. I think the most satisfying test was to draw a lightbulb. We were not given enough dimensions to make it simple, drawing it correctly was quite a lovely little geometrical puzzle.
• When I first went to Uni in the city I did a Tai Chi course. I loved it. She didn't just teach us Tai Chi but other forms of meditation as well. I remember losing myself in a lovely walking meditation one time. In the short course we didn't get very far throught the forms and I got glandular fever and wasn't able to do it the following term. My most powerful memory of it though, was one of the last sessions. I connected with something inside myself. I guess those forms blasted me open. I left class feeling like I could touch and feel everything. I was so sensitive. It was such a high and so beautiful. Maybe I connected with some past life stuff, there have been many hints I have a far eastern connection. Maybe I was a master of Tai Chi and practiced it every morning with the rising sun in more than one life. Maybe I opened up to much and it in some way caused my illness because I didn't have the training to deal with it. I don't know. Do you?
• My parents garden always made me happy. Not just because of all the trees to climb. My folks have some currant bushes and even though i would never touch the currants (I was very pernickety bout fruit and veg as a kid) i loved picking them. I would go and take a stool and the big orange bowl and sit in the sun. My Mum hated doing it but loves making jam and things so this suited us both fine. Dogs would litter the grass, basking in the sun and when they got too hot they would move under the shade of the apple trees.
• I love watching the environment. My folks had a veg patch but it wasn't really there thing and it got left. Because it wasn't mowed, all sorts grew on it. Now nearly thirty years on, it's nickname is the copse. Full of low trees such as buckthorn and hawthorn. There is however a very special tree that I have watched grow and feel a special connection to. A grand oak. In the roots of this oak sit the dreams I held when i moved here and they came true. I always sneak off and give it a hug when I go home.
• During my teacher training we had to spend a morning making a papier mache mask. We wers upposed to do it in pairs. I was so excited about it and wanted my own just made by me. So I did (not sure what the teacher thought). I had to shift my tail to get it done but i did. I had an image in my head. The teacher felt we should make big oversized and exagerated masks. Mine isn't like that. she was the most delicate in the class. Elegantly shaped cheek bones, forehead and chin. A dainty nose. Covered in little squarish pieces of tissue paper in blues with glitter sprinkled over. She is a sea sprite, an elemental of the water.
• Once upon a time I was on an engineering taster course. We had to make a crane as part of a team. It had to be able to move loads along and up and down. Ours was a truly elegant design and I loved it. We won a little prize.
• I love stationary and paper. My Dad was a printer before he retired. I would raid his sack of paper offcuts for nice coloured strips of paper. His stationary cupboards and catalogues were fair game. Every visit to the factory and i would be there, nose in cupboard. I love pens and pencils. I love the smell of hot ink on paper. I have lots of pens and pencils and papers now. I love the tools of craftiness. I like power tools as well. I like my drill. I liked cutting flooring with a jigsaw and laying it. I liked soldering when I did electronics.
  

You know what, writing these things has bought a smile to my face. It surprises me a little that I havn't written abou my first class honours degree and gold medal. My music exams and prizes. Other competitions and prizes for a wide variety of things. I guess these things are achievements in most peoples book but they are not the ones that made me happiest, in fact I am not sure they made me happy at all, they felt pretty empty.

I did this exercise before and it is strange how different the two lists are. This one makes me smile. The other is full of things I felt should be on it. There are also so many things I have forgotten... The time I climbed down to an isolated cove for a skinny dip. The set of runes I made from clay i dug up and baked in the oven.

Who Do You Think You Are? Part One

Went to the doctors today and it seems my virus as well as laying me low generally has gifted me a chest infection. I had noticed yesterday that my breathing felt laboured and today that has only worsened. I feel week as a kitten. The nice doctor has given me a precious piece of paper signing me off work all of next week and entitling me to statutory sick pay.

So here I am for the next nine days, unless I suddenly feel better and develop an overwhelming desire to return to work early.

Sitting here thinking about my path, I remembered a book I had bought. Another lovely self-help book called Who do you think you are? by Dr Nick Isbister and Dr Martin Robinson. It is all about identifying what motivates you, your abilities etc. The perfect book for someone trying to work out where they should be.

I started this book before but never got all the way through. I have found doing these sorts of books on my blog very helpful, although not necessarily very exciting for others to read.

So here goes.....

Exercise One - Hopes for me
What are you looking for from the 'Who Do You Think You Are?' process?
Although I like the people I work with, i don't always overly enjoy my work itself. I also don't enjoy working full time, 9 to 5. I don't think it suits me. I want to do something else but i don't know what. I know I have a tendency to get bored, so to do it for a living it has to be something that really suits me.

What's been prompting you to think about this?
It is an old question for me and one I have never really found an answer to. Work is in a rough patch at th moment. I am not sure how healthy my employers are in the current climate. I am not sur ehow healthy any employer is at the moment. Being ill and not wanting to go back, mostly cos I felt ick, has given me a kick. I don't like not being able to listen to my body and take time out when I need to. I knew nearly a week before I came down with this bug that things were not right. Left to my own devices I would have withdrawn and chances are I would not be sat here right now, being this ill.

What do you hope to have at the end of working through this process?
I hope to have a far better understanding of myself and my motivations and enjoyments at the very least. At best it may give me a new direction in life which will help me to get some where better for me. I also think figuring out what you should be doing helps to walk the right path. The path with heart.

Exercise Two - My Dreams and Aspirations
I did a whole page on word of clouds filled with dreams aspirations. Stronger ones in bolder clouds but I am not sure I could bring it onto blogger so here is a list instead...

• Grow Food
• Preserve food
• Home brew
• Husbandry
• Edible flowers
• Herbs
  
• Be fit and healthy
• Tai chi
• Kayak
• Ride
• Thin
• Eat healthy home cooked food
  
• Live in tune with beliefs
• With the seasons
• Celebrate
  
• Family
• Get married
• Children
• Dogs
  
• Learning
• History
• Explore land around me
  
• Crafts
• Live sustainably
• Build eco-home
• Own land
• Conservation
• Land management
  

That is all for now, my head is hurting....

Finding The Path

It is often hard to find the right path in life. My path has taken me all over the place. Highs and Lows. The reasons for some of my twists and turns are not obvious. I think my path has been a little more twisty than some but not as turny as others. Finding the right path in life is tricky sometimes. Synchronicity plays a huge part as does fate and chance and luck.

I have sometimes felt that happiness of knowing I am on the right path and at others I have felt in a holding pattern. Right now I am in a holding pattern. Not sure why I am where I am. What it is I am supposed to gain or do here, wondering how long I am supposed to be here. I have some sort of feeling that it may not be much longer, or is that just a misguided hope?

I thought you might like to read of some of the twists and turns....

• All girls Christian school. youngest in year. misfit tomboy and geek.
• Sixth Form College. Cool goth chick. Had a ball. Physics, Design and Tech, Maths and Electronics. I had an opportunity to do a City and Guilds in AutoCAD, said yes and loved it.
  
• Left home for gap year. Worked for a utility company at a prestigious site. Not the right place for me but discovered I was good at technical drawing. Think I was underappreciated because I won a prize for my project... Got hooked up with unpleasant man at work and the ripples of him spread throughout my life.
• Summer traveling and visiting friends and partying. Turned down lucrative contract work in order to get away from nasty ex. Visited Ireland.
• Uni in the city. Became very ill and slowly fell apart during the course of the year. Was studying Physics but found it somewhat detached from real life at that level. Asked Mum what she could see me doing and she said something environmental.
• Dropped out due to glandular fever. Dark unhappy time full of sleep.
• Joined a company as a trainee engineer doing lots of CAD. Left because I fell apart.
• Darkest time of all dark times.
• Returned to city and started temping. It allowed to me to work till I was too tired then quit, take a couple of weeks off then start something else. Learnt lots and met some interesting characters.
• Split with boyfriend. Parents pointed out that I didn't have to stay in the city and could go anywhere I liked.
• Synchronicity took me to Cornwall. Big move so not suprisingly synchronicity and fate really got shouting.
  
• Worked on several contracts for my Uni following a chance comment from another student.
• Met the wonderful F.
• Did a few environmental contracts after graduating. Missed out on a supervisors job and eventually had to give up and go back to temping.
  
• Temped and ended up somewhere working with teachers.
• Tried to get in with Environment Agency. Got put in a staff bank and stayed there. Went for a temp job with them. Got tangled up in an unpleasant scenario and left.
• Did some temp work for an organisation involved with teachers.
• Decided to apply for teaching. Got put on waiting list.
  
• Worked for a public body as a temp. They were about to keep me when teacher training announced I could start in a weeks time.
• Started teacher training and loved the feeling of going back to school. Of studying the whole curriculum, not just the sciences. Loved art and craft. It opened some doors in my life.
• Failed final practice and had to accept I didn't have the right personality to be a teacher in the current climate.
• Went back to temping and got guided away from things to do with children and care and ended up where I am now...

So I have spent time in sciences, focusing on environmental science. I have worked with children and developed a love of art and craft. Fate took me towards working with children and then away again. Where is it going to take me next? Why have I worked for so many companies on so many things? Why is this my path?

Hope

Last night F made it clear he thought I should give work ago. So I did and it was dire. I felt awful. It is one thing to feel well while sat on a sofa gazing gormlessly at the TV but quite another to feel well when you have to be up and moving about, dealing with people and working. I felt very fatigued, physically exhausted and slightly fluttery.

I lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes before meeting with my Boss and coming home.

I went via the shop to stock up on easy food as I probably won't be going anywhere much for the next few days. Then I went home and called the doctor who i shall visit tomorrow.

So why am I going to the doctor? I have a virus which has knocked me about a bit and although the coldy and stomachy symptoms are gone it has laid me low. Nothing they can do about viruses... I do want to talk a little about my hormones though as this whole thing really began last week. But really I am going to the doctor so I can say to work see, I went to the doctor.

Isn't it dire? In order to feel justified in taking time off work, I have to go to the doctor knowing they can do nothing for me and I am wasting theirs and my time. This probably seems a very, very bizarre situation to those of you in countries where health care is not free. Not uncommon here though. I can't say if this says more about my feelings about being ill or whether it is a true reflection of employers attitudes to sickness.

I don't get paid for being off sick though. I have not worked there long enough. I guess that is a point in my favour... It does mean money is going to be tighter next month for me but I have lovely man... I have been good this month though. I bought my beautiful socks, which arrived today. I have bought some leg and arm warmers paid for by an unexpected payout for some previous work. The troll bracelet was paid for by birthday money. No wild excursions. No visits to friends with bottles of wine. No meals out. So hopefully it won't be too bad. Next month there is a whole bunch of overtime coming my way so December will be fine for finishing off present shopping, for those I havn't made.

I left the house and found a rainbow glinting in the sky in front of me. I caught it three more times in different places before I got to work. It is a blustery day with little showery clouds scudding across the blue sky. Rainbows to me signify hope and beauty. To see so many in such a short space of time.

When I left work I saw two magpies and then a third as I drove away. A time of change, a promise of hope and beauty. I do feel that this year in this job, I am trying to prove something, that this is only a temporary thing. Something I have to do. To not flit about. To stop searching and let my life come to me, until I know what it is I am searching for, until fate and life and synchronicity take me on somewhere else. A time to be patient. To hold down a job.

The other night I was feeling pretty down so I dragged out my tarot. Over the last few days I have done three different spreads. The onw about my life and the one about the general situation were not very interesting. Little I didn't know. The other was a spread called merlin's Mirror which is all about identifying the real you.

I had six major arcana in my reading. Most of the more mundane cards were about where I am currenly at and what I am currently doing. I had Gawain (Strength), the Washer at the Ford (Death), The Cauldron (Temperance), Sleeping Lord (Judgement), Fool and the Green Man (Devil). In my other readings I also had Merlin (Magician), White Hart (Lovers) linked to relationships and The Spiral Tower (Tower) linked to my future.

That is a pretty heavy lot of major arcana to get. Things are moving in my life under the surface and change is on it's way. I hope it is time for my dreams.

Escapism

I still feel icky. Not sure why. Maybe some nasty little virus has snuck into my system and lying it low. Maybe it is psychosomatic. Maybe I just don't want to go back to work. Maybe it is all of these. I have no energy and I feel like a limp lettuce.

It makes me nervous because last time I felt like this, I had Chronic Fatigue. I have been clear for some time, which makes me one of the lucky ones. It scares the bejeesus out of me, the thought of going back where I was. I suspect everytime some bug lays me low, that fear will be there.

I think my dalliance with that nasty bug has always been about my life not being as it should be. I think the further we get from the way we should be living, the more open we are to these nasties. Once in our bodies they make themselves at home.

School didn't make me happy. University (the first time round) didn't make me happy. I am not happy now. So what would make me happy? Is my idea of a perfect life really so perfect? Is it a delusion? What is it I want?

So let's focus on that. That dream. Just for a little while. It sure is a nicer place than my achy head for starters.

*******

I am, when in the best of health, an early riser. So I would get up and leave F and Little Dog happily snoozing for one is not an early riser and the other is not a quick riser. I would go downstairs and brew up a nice cup of herbal tea. I would take it through to another room and leave it to cool.

If it is warm I would go out onto a patio or verandah or deck and practice some tai chi. Say it is Summer and the sun is still low in the sky. I would feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I connect with all that is.

After, I would pause and drink my tea on a chair and watch the birds at the bird table, mostly blue tits. I would hope that a wood pecker would visit. Little Dog hearing that I had finished would appear, all bleary eyed and graciously accept some stroking. Then we would move off for a walk.

I would maybe take a wicker basket with me. Little Dog would lope around sniffing things as we move through the morning with quiet enjoyment. We would go let the chickens out and give them some food and maybe find some eggs for breakfast. Little Dog of course would want to get in and visit.... We would stop and say hello to the pigs and the goats and the cow and sheep and horses and check their water and maybe give them some food although they probably wouldn't need it this time of year so much. If we have some goats or cows producing milk I would have taken a pail and stool with me to milk them.

We would walk down by the river first and pause there before turning back up through the forest garden where I would pause and gather a few berries maybe for breakfast. Then we would go to the veg patch and greenhouse and I would turn on the water and check the plants and maybe pick some herbs for the eggs. Some rosemary maybe.

Finally we would return to the house, I would top up Little dogs food and then hop in the shower before cooking breakfast. The smell would lure F from bed and we would eat together on the verandah. It would still be early

I would then maybe do a couple of hours in the gardens, weeding or hoeing, planting or pruning or maybe some harvesting. Or maybe spend some time in the green house. Whatever needed doing. Maybe the pigs needed moving from one enclosure in the woods to another to give the plants a chance to regrow. F would be pottering to and doing man things probably.

After a few hours work, as it starts to get hot, we would return to the house with some food for lunch. Things for a salad maybe. Maybe I would have some things from a full harvest. Things to spend the afternoon pickling or jarring or jam making.

After lunch I would potter a little in my studio or maybe sit with a book for a bit. I love harvesting fruit. I always have done. I used to climb trees for the plums or sit on a stool picking berries.

What I would do would depend on the seasons. The morning routine of tai chi, dog walk and animal care would be pretty consistent but the rest would vary. More arts and crafts in the winter. More garden graft in the spring and early summer. Much harvesting and preserving in the autumn and late summer.

Some days we would escape and go out. Others I would go to a class. Some evenings friends would come over and we would eat and be merry. Sometimes we might go and find some culture, take a picnic to the Minack and see a play.

Maybe one day there would be children. A baby snoozing in a play pen with a sun screen as I pick berries. A toddler asking constant questions and chasing the goats, before they chase him back. A child going off to school (a school without SATs and pressure) and then returning to climb trees and build dams. A teenager maybe fishing in the river or giggling with girl friends over something on the TV.

Maybe F would go out to work. Maybe I would be a world renowned author, writing in the winter and living off the royalties of a train of books. Maybe I would be an artisan with all sorts for sale on etsy, supplementing an income. Maybe I would be rich and have no worries about money at all. It is the living closer to the land I dream of.

Cultural Variation

I am still ill but I have whined on enough this past week, so time for something else.

I have been thinking about this one recently. The links between the US and the UK culturally. And the thingd that don't quite link...

This has been caused by my TV watching habits. Not surprisingly I watch a fair few US series. We have some gems on the BBC but the US TV machine is so much more vast and some real gems travel over to us. They are already proven, often big budget.

Some of our little BBC gems get taken over to the US. I am currently watching Dancing with the Stars (the latest series - yes I know you all have already seen it and knows who wins, but I don't.). This was started in the UK as Strictly Come Dancing. The format is pretty much the same but there are some differences.

• You have two of our judges, Len and Bruno but Len is nice on the UK version but a little mean on the US version. We have a judge called Craig who plays the mean role over here.
• I don't know who on earth the US stars are. Apart from Kelly and Donny. They are not part of my news background, they just don't feature.... You would never have heard of most of the stars on our version either...
• Most of the pro dancers are like old friends now after so many series but the US pro dancers are strangers. I have no idea of their personalities or strengths.
• We have doddery old Bruce Forsythe who tells very unsophisticated and dreadful jokes that make no one laugh. Your chap, no idea of his name, can be very sharp and quick witted and is probably famous in his own right?
• There was a decision on the US version to include loads of news dances, Lambada, Charleston, Texan Two Step.... The UK version likes to balance the old fashioned dances with the more modern and latin dances. It is a two way balance. The US balance feels a bit more three way between modern, latin and ballroom. Ballroom is less what people expect to see I guess?
• There are other differences in the production that I just can't put my finger on. Are there more cutesy montages? Is that canned laughter? No idea. It just feels different...

Then we have Life on Mars. The UK version revels in the back in time aspect in order to allow very politically incorrect humour. Gene Hunt is so rude and obnoxious but in a way that nobody would have thought twice about back then. And it is hilarious. He has some fantastic lines. We get to remenisce (eek! sp!) about old bits of culture. We admire old cars and clothes and music. But the humour is just so sharp, there is so much repartee and wit between the characters. The two supporting police men are so funny as well, they add so much. The wierdness of what is going on is sort of there in a subtle way.

Not so in the US version. The cultural references are vastly different and I just don't have the same contact with them. They arn't what I grew up with. They are labouring the wierdness. Sam Tyler is struggling so hard to get to grips with it that ahrdly any attention seems to be paid to the team around him and their characters. It maybe humorous to Americans but it isn't to me. It has no relevance to me. I shall keep watching but, for me, it is falling flat...

This takes me onto the next series which was on a while back, Little Britain USA. Little Britain was an irreverant romp. The US version was irreverant but it lacked something. And the awful canned laughter - they eventually took it off the episodes they aired here. It was as if they had to tell us which bits were funny, and they were not the bits that I thought were funny, which were few and far between. It crossed a line best left uncrossed....

They often say that Americans do not get the British sense of humour all of the time. I suspect this may be true. I have heard that sarcasm is not something they do in the US. Is this true? I luve a bit of sarcasm....

I guess what I am trying to say is this. As much as the world thinks we are slowly becoming part of the US more than we are Europe. It isn't true. Culturally we are different. We gloss over this a lot of the time but those differences are there.

America had the worlds unwanted masses, slavery, the American Dream and the right to bear arms. The UK had lords and ladies, history and the downtrodden poor and servitude of a different sort. We started from different places but our differences add spice and flavour. I suspect that there is more flavour within the US than we are aware of over here.

Cowboys, bible belt, deep southern soul, Californian beach thing, New York style. I suspect there is far more variation than even this. This is just the tip of the iceberg.... When I watch Dancing with the Stars I catch references to things that have no meaning for me, like Donny not being welcome in Utah after kissing Bruno.... I see it but it passes me by.

Pleading Guilty

Still feeling icky today and so is F. The gutting thing is we both arranged to have today off. Some friends are down and we spent yesterday afternoon with them and were supposed to spend today with them to. We were supposed to go visit standing stones and burial chambers and holy wells and all sorts of lovely such things.

I know I can go anytime but not to have to go by myself. To go with another witch. To have F there with another non-witchy bloke to talk bloke things to. It would have been lovely.

I havn't been ill this year really. Except for a bout of IBS after Big Dog died, I have not been ill enough to consider being off work all year, until now. And F is ill at exactly the same time as well. Do you ever get the feeling that something just wasn't meant to be?

I need to pop out though for food and to post a present to my niece for her birthday but I just don't want to get off my sofa. I have a duvet and I am warm and snug in my jim jams. There was a bit of a drizzle outside last time I looked. I just don't really want to go anywhere.

I guess it also explains why this moon has been so hard. Not just hormones but my body fighting off some nasty icky virus. F had been at work from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning so for us to get ill at the same time means we both had it before Friday.

I can't say as I am really ill, I just fel so icky and tired. I always feel guilty when I am ill, as if I should have more symptoms and a giant flourescent purple rash to justify my telling people I am ill. I lived with this for years with first glandular fever and then ME. Invisible illnesses.

Maybe I should go get a card and then crawl back to bed. Maybe I should make her wait for her pressie with a little explanation of illness and such. Maybe I can persuade F to visit the post office one day before work. Maybe I can cram it into an envelope so it sits nice and flat and can go in the post without a visit to the post office. Maybe I can take it into work, get it weighed and then just pile stamps on until I have paid enough. I just don't want to go out today.

Maybe I shouldn't push myself through guilt. And I do feel guilty. I had such a lovely time yesterday. I don't want them to think we stayed home for any other reason apart from illness. I don't want my niece to feel bad on her birthday.

Guilt seems to go so closely with illness.

Bed Bugs

I have no idea what to post tonight. My head hurts. My nose is snotty. My throat is a wee bit on the sore side. My body aches. I have had a lovely day though and I am so hoping that I am not really ill because I have a lovely day planned for tomorrow.... I suspect bed is close by in my future.

Can tell something is up because I havn't felt inclined to find any food for tea....

My hormones have given up and gone away.

I just am not sure I care much about my little blog tonight. Night, night, sleep tight....

Dusk

People are scared of the dark.

No really. They are.

People linger outside their homes, on hill tops, cliffs, anywhere with a view. They watch the sun set. The second it has been sucked below the horizon they vanish. They bustle off home as if the last rays of light leaving the sky will cause them to turn to stone and they must be behind closed doors before that happens....

Dusk is one of my favourite times of day.

The clouds turn charcoal grey, high in the sky. The sea turns the colour of slate. Hills in the middle distance turn inky black, the more distant they are, the less inky the black and the more gently they stand in the gloom. Flowers sprout across them, orange, white, yellow and red. Flowers that outcompete the stars and shine more brightly. They glisten.

It is still light enough to see the path. Walking slowly and steadily with care, rough paths don't pose a threat. The sun shines up from beneath the sea and paints the underside of the clouds. red, crimson, amethyst, dusky pinks. More beautiful than the sunset.

All those people leaving, miss this. They miss this gentle time. Caught in the inbetween. They run from the dark and miss the best of it.

I am not scared of the dark. I am sometimes a bit nervous of the people that hide in it. Tonight there is no moon. The moon won't rise until to late to be seen. And it is a new moon too. But walking under the full moon can be so well lit! Tonight it was always going to get dark but not as dark as people seem to think, nor as quickly.

Time Passes and The Circle Turns

Things still havn't really gotten going. I don't think they are going to either. I think this one will sort of stay as it is before fading away and that will be it for this month. Being fat really does affect your hormones and I know that mine have been affected. Maybe this is my body making progress towards getting back to normal, who knows. Hopefully as I get thinner and thinner my body will become as regular as clockwork with predictablity and stability and fewer hiccups.

My energy is fragile at the moment. I am happy as I wake and go off to work. I have enough energy to see me through the first few hours but then things go downhill. I run out of energy. Suddenly I am sick of everyone, grouchy, tired and fed up. If I had my way, I would not go to work on such days. I would spend them mostly alone, doing soft things at a speed suited to me. I wouldn't become overtaxed.

Last night on the way home I decided to throw the diet out the window. I bought a trashy box, some bath treats, lots of crisps and chocolate and some new brushes. I got in the bath and stayed there for four hours with my purchases (except the brushes). While I am going to stick to a post a day, i am no longer going to insist I boot up the laptop at such times...

The weather is stunning. definitely cool, with the mornings shrouded in thin mists. The skies are pastel and soft, blurred round the edges. By lunch everything feels pleasantly warm but the nights are cold. Perfect Autumn weather. Things are changing but still lovely.

I have decided that I need gloves for work. Not yet but I find that even if I am warm, cool drafts can make my joints ache. I will need to take care of my wrists and hands at work. I can't use full gloves at work because I handle plastics that get staticy and stick to me but I have seen lovely tubes which go up the arm and over the wrist with a hole for the thumb. This leaves all the fingers free to work but keeps a lot covered and warm. I think I might visit etsy...

Maybe I should invest in wooly tubes for my ankles and knees to wear under my jeans to make sure those joints stay nice and toasty as well?

Oh I lost 2 pounds this week. I wasn't so very chuffed with this because it is exactly what I gained the week before and because I was feeling grumpy and rough.

Mothballs

Not much of a post tonight. I have to go to Fat Fighters and I feel rough as rats.

My moontime still hasn't gotten going. I don't why this happens sometimes but I get a period of time when everything is saying I am ready, even a little light flow/spotting but my heavy beginning of my period just won't materialise. Until it does I will feel awful. The longer it takes the more yucky I will feel.

I wish I could just crawl in the bath and then off to bed.

I made my porridge and smoothie as usual this morning but I just couldn't face eating them. I think I had one mouthful. The chocolate and sugar cravings were very strong and I gave in. It hasn't been a red or a green day but a brown day.

I just want it to start! What is my body waiting for? The New Moon?

I am actually a New Moon person. I like this time best in the month. I think the darker more mysterious side of the Goddess is the one for me and had decided this before I realised that that tends to be my moontime. Coincidence? I am not a bright shiny person much of the time, although I have my moments. I like to step back and think more and I have been known to brood a little. Anyway time to go see if I have lost or gained. *glower*

The Colour Red

So much seems to have happened at work today but i can't really talk about it. The bizarre thing is that I didn't really care. Well i did, a little bit, but it just didn't impact on my happiness. The sun was shining, I was feeling good and nothing was going to take the pleasure of the day away from me. Certainly not the world falling apart from people I don't know or like and the knock on effects it might have on others. People have to take responsibility for the results of their own actions. I played no part in any of it.

So let's talk about hormones. Mine seem to be changing. I guess this is to be expected. Being obese has meant my hormones are a little less powerful and predictable. Last Friday I found myself in possession of a lot of annoyed energy. so I went and employed this energy usefully in a working fashion.

I think I am about to start my period. Last month it was about this time, just after the waning moon. Normally I retain water and get really heavy for about the week before and feel even more sluggish than normal. I normally get very weepy a couple of days beforehand. I put on weight last week, I havn't been feeling quite as good as I did a week or so ago (but still pretty good).

So is all that aggressive energy thing my new emotional symptom of impending hormonality? I liked feeling like that. I didn't have to stay in the office and be grumpy with people, I was able to use that energy for positive things and that felt good. It feels good to feel up to using my body a little more. And I work somewhere where there is the opportunity to.

I am not convinced that you really need to know all this... Everytime I get to this point I find myself thinking about diva cups and cloth pads. I want to use them. I want to do it, to change, to be more environmentally friendly and more skin friendly too. I need to take the plunge and just do it. I guess sometimes the thought of trying new things can be a little daunting. What if it goes wrong and I find myself with a leaking divacup at work? How long can you wear cloth pads for, do you use them just like other pads?

Did anybody else get the eek feeling before changing?

Feeling the Love

First of all I have to say a huge thank you to the lovely Lady Mel. I received a lovely letter in the post along with a very lovely picture and a very lovely and apt pressie to pass on to a special young lady. Thank you Hun! You have a wee habit of lifting my spirits at the right time in unexpected ways... XXX

***

Then we have the saga of the socks.

TAW Week 7 has an exercise to buy a little luxury for yourself. It suggests a lovely pair of gloves or socks. Socks resonated with me instantly. My socks cause my ankles to swell, they bite to hard. A couple of years back I was with my folks at Christmas and my Mum, Dad and Sister received a present from a family friend. I didn't. OK so I wasn't overly close to this person and I hadn't given them a pressie.

I was very jealous of the socks my Dad got though. They were hand knitted. No seams. No nasty biting elastic at the top. Not quite my colour, being manly and all, but a lovely variegated wool had been used.

I must admit after that I started making her a little something for Xmas. I must admit though, I was kind of hoping I might get a pair of socks though. It didn't work because she got very busy at work and I got some nice handmade bath things instead. They were lovely, but I did really covet those socks.

So, the suggestion of treating myself to a luxurious socks kind of bought an image into my head. Beautiful variegated purple wooly socks. The sort that you darn when they get holes.

I tried hunting for local knitters but sometimes the internet makes such things tricky. It is far easier to find companies than it is to find lone artisans for hire. I pondered how to find such people and etsy sprang to mind. I have never used etsy before...

I searched for local etsy sellers and while there was some beautiful things and talented artisans, none of them were knitters or crocheters. So I started looking a little more broadly and I looked at lots and lots of socks. And of course slipper socks and sock slippers. Crocheted mary janes. Lace up crochet socks. Felted boot socks. So much variety. But not so many variegated purple sock.

I did eventually find a pair.

I fell in love.

I contacted the seller regarding sizing and established that they would fit.

I tried to buy.

I failed to buy.

Her shop didn't include shipping outside the grand old US of A. Which isn't where I live.

I contacted her and asked her if I could get them here or if they could maybe go to a friend in Canada....

She added the UK to her postal list. And Canada.

I purchased socks! And they are on their way.

***

I wrote a wishlist a little while back for another TAW exercise and I posted it on my blog.

I have a lovely friend who reads my blog, although she doesn't have one of her own and comments via email. We met once, years ago. A friend of a friend. Somehow we got chatting via Facebook and then became Facebook friends and then email friends and soon, we shall also be face to face friends. For she is visiting Cornwall....

It is a slightly odd thing, remeeting someone in this sort of a way. We know each other so well in some ways. But I just know it will all be fine. We connected because we have similar interests and values. It will not be like the recent visit of an old friend I used to be very close to, who has chosen a radically different path in life to me. We have similar religous paths and have spoken in depth of things that I know I seldom share with people I know in the flesh.

OK so the reason this all fits in this post is that when she comes down, she is bringing a gift. One listed in my wishlist. She happened to know of an artisan making such things, in a truly beautiful fashion. She saw one that spoke to her of me. She then gave me a choice. I could have chosen any of them, but I want the one that spoke to her. So I have a surprise coming my way, which even though it will be beautiful, will be all the more special for having been chosen for me by a friend.

***

So i guess it is fairly obvious what the theme of this post is. Presents and the art of giving. The best presents are those given freely, with no strings, no expectations. Where the person giving has taken the care to personally choose or make something that they thing the recipient will like. That care and attention is the thing that makes a present special.

Giving with the expectation of receiving something in return is likely to lead to disappointment. You are unlikely to get what you want. Even if you get something truly lovely, it will not be the thing you coveted. The expectation of receiving something ruins the gift of receiving care and attention from the giver. Giving from obligation feels empty in many ways. As does receiving a present given from obligation.

If there is something you truly covet, value yourself enough to give yourself that something as a no strings attached gift. That is not to say you should go and buy yourself hugely outrageous and epensive things. A true gift is made more valuable by care and attention. Notice that little thing you covet and give yourself the gift of getting it, of caring enough about yourself to allow yourself to have it. A pair of socks really isn't a big thing is it? But yet it is....

I believe the care and attention I put into the hand made gifts I make for my family increases their value. I personally select what to make. The colours, style, everything. I don't like all the things I make as gifts, some I adore and have trouble parting with. It doesn't matter, it isn't about me. I get so much from that giving. I get something everytime I get to see them wear it. I get something everytime they tell me of another compliment they receive for it. Little gifts that come back to me unexpectedly.

Gifts do not have to be big to have a huge effect. In fact I think the little things often have the biggest impact and meaning. Thought counts more than showy consumerism in my book. Thought equals love while flashy consumerism equals money.

So thank you to all those lovely people who have given me gifts because they thought I might like it, or just wanted to give me something. Thank you to those who signed up for swaps with me and made something so perfectly designed and created for me. Just thank you. I can feel your love.

This all ended up a bit long.... But I guess what I am saying is that we should all look for the little gifts in our lives. Gifts of spirit. A rowan branch. A beautiful sunny day. A glimpse of the moon in a break in the clouds.

Baking the Cake

Work today was not good... Not really.

One of my colleagues is stressed and has with stress become increasingly inept. The result of this is that he has become less skillful in his tinkering with the figures. Suddenly we are all wise to what he gets up to. His methods are in question and decrees passed to improve them, which he then ignores. Suddenly he is no longer the all knowing guru. Not that he ever was, it was just an act, with little substance underneath.

When he has to do certain jobs he would rather take the Little Princess than me. She doesn't question him whereas I do. She doesn't find his mistakes, I do. She does exactly what she is told, i don't.

He had been told not to use her for a specific job because she didn't do it very well. Basically because when she does it with him there are mistakes because she is not on the ball enough. Today he took her (when the cats away, the mice do what they damn well please). He knew he shouldn't but he did anyway.

When they came back, he worked on the figures. Maybe he cooked them a little, who knows. I did a lot of work recently on one of the classifications. I catalogued them and labeled them and had them examined and so on. He had the emails. He was notified of the new procedures. He is supposedly in charge of such things after all.

There had been no notifications of changes to this classification according to the new procedure but yet his figures wildly differed from those previously verified. I went and checked and found no change and confirmed with someone who looks after them that there had been no change. The cat sent me for a further check with the two mice. Suprisingly enough, the figures we got this time were exactly as they should be, given there had been no change.

Lead mouse didn't react to well to all this and had a blazing row with the cat. Myself and the second mouse quivered nervously. Instead of accepting that he had been making a hash of it, he insisted on a new procedure. Which is fine, but it meant my afternoon was spent with more labels. There was nothing wrong with the old ones. They were legible and had all the required information. The new ones just have a letter and a number.

Why didn't he suggest this the first time I did it (which would have saved me a lot of time)? Give his job title and pay, how come he had never noticed that his figures for this classification varied a lot? That things would appear and then vanish only to reappear, suggesting they had never actually gone anywhere? How come he never ever got to the bottom of this? How come he never improved his own procedures? How come he earns so much?

I guess the other thing that really annoyed me, was that I later was alone with him and he gave me a little talking to. Not very subtle. About team work and so forth. Trying to make me say the old labels were bad and the new ones better. Maybe they are, but the old ones should have been good enough, given he used to claim it was done perfectly accurately before there were any labels at all.

I was cross but there is nothing I could say. I can not criticise him and how he does his job to his face, it is not my place. It is my Bosses. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that he isn't doing his job and is making a lot fo mistakes. That people have started double checking his work. That faith has been lost. He really believed the finance person wouldn't hve noticed the figures had mysteriously changed over the course of a week? The finance person he believes his victimising him? (although they have just lost faith in him and are being very, very careful)

The net result of all this is that somehow I felt to blame for it all. But I am not the one who made the mistake. I am the one who saved a bigger fish up the ladder from finding it and causing all manner of problems for us all. So who is to blame?

Why should anyone have to be to blame? I don't want his job, he is safe. Surely any mistake I spot is one I have stopped from going to far? Surely that helps him?