Seeds Waiting for the Right Sun

Thank you Miss Daisy for your suggestion. I shall go all the way back to the beginning...

I grew up in a family where tradition and village life took us to church rather than faith. As times changed I was allowed to drift away from church in my teens. Christianity was ever present though as I went to a VERY christian school. I tried to believe, I desperately wanted to believe but I couldn't believe in this concept of striving for perfection. The devout people I saw around me were no better than anyone else, why did they think they were special? I couldn't believe and the continued forced presence of it in my life via school lead to a deep antipathy.

Once I stopped thinking as a Christian other things popped into my head. I wrote an essay once about Mother Earth and Father Sky. It came from nowhere as I had certainly never been exposed to such concepts. It flowed from my nowhere, straight out of my fingers and sent shivers down my spine. Unfortunately it was never returned to me as it was used as coursework.

I became ill when I was about 14 with glandular fever (I think it is mono elsewhere?) and this turned into chronic fatigue syndrome. My life shrank. There was nothing but a few hours of school and sleep in my life for many months. I was deeply unhappy and my only solace was to take my dog Amber (who I must tell you more of some other time) up the nearby hill and walk along the top in the wind and let the feelings be blown out of me.

Nature was the only thing that gave me peace and I began to feel that there was something in this. There was one summers mornin when I could not sleep. I got up to let the dogs out and saw the sun rise. As it shone low the on the horizon it lit up the empty seed cases of the grasses in the unused field behind my home. The entire field glowed. It is the most purely beautiful moment I have ever experienced. Nature was far more beautiful, worthy and perfect than any God of the christians had ever felt to me.

I felt that everything contributes some life stuff to a grand over soul. All of nature, everyone of us is part of this planet's consciousness. This I believe is the nature of God and Goddess with different aspects represented as different archetypes or Gods and Goddesses. All things are both good and bad, in order to be balanced we have to sometimes be both.

Things remained as they were I guess mostly and eventually I left home. I made friends with a Welsh lady. There was again a chain of synchronicity in our meeting and becoming firm friends right from the beginning. Her family was a matriarchal Wiccan family and one day she asked me what I believed and I told her. She said was remarkably similar to what she believed and lent me some books.

To be truthful, in the years since then I have done very little with my believe. Sometimes it has been stronger and sometimes weaker. I have read various things over the years and increased in knowledge a little but not really done anything much. Probably because I find it all a little daunting, particularly commitment to things I don't fully understand. I read tarot and I have worked the very ocasional spell. Things changed recently for me and I decided to be more active. And here I am...