Thursday, 15 January 2009

Down Days

I always know that the day after my massage I will feel a little blah.... But today it seems everyone was full of feeling too. At work, I have sat relatively quietly in my corner and I have been listening to everyone else. And it seems that what everyone had to say was pretty negative today.

Work in a commercial environment can be a rollercoaster ride. What makes it hard is when managers don't understand the effects of success. Success brings increased pressure as well as more business and this requires further resources. If people feel stressed then they do not work as well and they don't get on so well with others and they complain. Negativity seems to spread like a disease sometimes....

I survived the day and came home to discover that S's Mum has been unorganised in sorting out her own life but very organised in sorting out everyone else's. Or at least that is how it feels to me, home alone, while everyone else gets to celebrate S's birthday. Her reorganisation of events is also going to make it hard to attend the wassail at the weekend that I had been hoping to attend at the weekend, but still nothing at all is certain.

Wassailing is at ancient custom in areas with orchard to scare bad spirits from the trees and toast the trees to ensure fertility for the coming year. This is where the tradition of toasting comes from, as toast was soaked in drink from the wassailing cup and then placed in the branches of the trees and some of the drink poured on the roots. There are also traditional wassailing songs that are sung. People make a lot of noise to scare the bad spirits away.

Already feeling cross and alone I was sat eating my tea when the container with my wish seeds decided to fall off the shelf onto my shoulder and onto the floor. I have lost two of my wishes. I nearly opened them to see which but... I could consider this as a sign that two have been taken for planting and may be in progress as we speak. This was not how I felt, I wanted to cry.

It all kind of reminds me of a riding lesson I had once as a teenager. I wanted to ride in the same class as my friends, even though it was a lower level class than I should have been in. The class was looking at the very beginnings of jumping and to make things more tricky for me, they gave me a horse called Harvest who due to previous experiences, had a fear of coloured poles. I guess there plan was that if I kept calmly and firmly riding this lovely but nervous over the jumps it would help her and make the lesson more interesting for me.

On a nearby farm they had decided to do a spot of shooting. The other horses, knowing that they had inexperienced and nervy riders, decided to take advantage and start acting up. Harvest and I were fine, I was sending her all the signals that there really wasn't an issue so she wasn't bothered by the shooting. What eventually began to bother her though, was the fact that all the others were on edge and telling her something was wrong. By the end of the lesson all the other horses had calmed down and I was riding an over-wrought ball of nervous energy.

I feel like I have been Harvest today, not bothered by the situation but getting to suck up all the negativity. Unfortunately this left me with nothing to cope with the changes of plan I found as I got home and my feelings for S and being left out again. Not sue what losing two seeds means *sigh*

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