Tuesday, 6 January 2009

My Soul Weeps

Yesterday my soul flew but there were already signs that my period of space would come to an end. My small hopes that maybe life might take me in another direction and save me from returning to an office were fluttering as if before a wind.

I spent the day dreaming of soul expanding things. Discovering the podcasts of the crooked path. Thinking out my new course in hearth craft. Thinking about shrines. I was about to start doing something. I am aware that thinking rather than doing is a fault of mine...

Then F appeared home for lunch unexpectedly which was lovely. Being late in the day he would only be back at work for a short while before returning home. A delay in the doing but a good, worthwhile, happy delay.

I am sat here reading an amazing blog by an amazing man when the phone goes. It is the agency. Somewhere I worked for two days before Christmas wants me back, for two months. I should be ecstatic, I should be dancing with glee, I should be grateful for the money. I can not say no. I put the phone as my soul starts to cry.

As the agency call back to confirm, I hear the dogs sing their greeting to F.

My world shrinks. The time and possibilities that stood open before me have reduced from infinite to the size of an office. My new job is a far lower grade than even the admin jobs I normally do and this is reflected in the pay. It is only just a living wage, not that far above minimum wage.

My world will be reduced to a pile of paper next to a computer. A computer in a warehouse full of stock. My bits of paper show stock has left the warehouse and I change the numbers on the computer screen. The only consolation is that the people seemed nice.

My soul still weeps.

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