Feeling the Fear

Mel recently stretched her oracle muscles to give me a reading across the Atlantic and one particularly poignant moment was the drawing of the fear card under advice. The meaning of this is:

'Ask yourself is your fear valid? Have you seen actual evidence of 'trouble' or is it a fear of unknown things and possibilities? You are advised not to struggle with the fear but to look deep into it...perhaps write an inventory of the things that you fear and possible solutions. Send love and acceptance to the fear and watch it dissipate. This is an auspicious omen of transformation.'

This might seem an odd card for those of you who read this blog. It is hard for me to understand how I come across to others but I suspect my underlying agoraphobia wouldn't be apparent. I get on with people just fine, I can go out and do all the things I need to do. And truth to tell my agoraphobia isn't very severe. In my early twenties I had a period when it was somewhat debilitating. Going out by myself and doing things I don't have to do is tricky sometimes. I have to make myself do things. I have to keep up a momentum because the more time I spend a lone, the more difficult it is to not be alone.

This is not something from my childhood, it is a result of a pretty destructive relationship I found myself in. It is a result of a lack of trust in the goodness of strangers I haven't met. It is the result of a lack of belief in myself. If I believed in myself then I would believe in my ability to cope with any situation I might find myself in. If I believed in myself, I would probably not find myself int he sort of job I am in now. I don't have many ruthless or assertive bones in my body, if any.

So no, my fear is not valid, it is not of any actual thing that might happen. So rather than fighting it, I need to love it and accept it and let it be apparently. How exactly do you do that? Suggestions please...

I have a history of having bizarre dreams. When I tell F about some bits I remember, he often finds them pretty amusing. I haven't had a dream I remember in a little while and I rarely have nightmares. So for me to have several unpleasant dreams over the last few days is unusual. One of those I remember from last night has been playing in my mind a little.

I was in Russia (no idea) and I was staying with a friend (nameless, faceless). I needed to travel to their house by myself but I had two very large dogs with me. They are not the dogs I currently own but I obviously considered them family as well as protection. I needed those dogs for that journey. On the way however I got stopped by an officious high level officer. he wanted my dogs and I knew that the consequences of not giving him the dogs might be severe. I didn't want to lose them as they were family but also because I did not feel able to complete the journey without them.

Sometimes in my dreams, once they really catch my interest I become more aware within them and can alter them. I sometimes replay different endings and try and find one I like from the point where I become aware. I am not sure if the following ending to the dream was created by me in a more aware state or not.

I rang the friend and he suggested giving the officer a puppy from the two dogs. I have no idea if the officer accepted. I woke up. It seemed like a compromise but I was left with the suspicion that it wasn't enough...

Sitting at my desk with my mind freewheeling as I entered data... It occurred to me that maybe those dogs were symbols of my fear. That my fear is beloved and protective. I had an overwhelmingly negative reaction to losing my dogs. I think it would be wrong to let go of fear. Fear is a necessary reaction that keeps us safe. It is an instinctual thing. But should it be a couple of gigantic guard dogs?