Saturday, 14 February 2009

A Place to BE

Last night I failed to write on my blog. I have a good excuse. I was out drinking the night away. I was eating good food in good company and having a laugh. Quite a lot of laughs actually. But I shall get back to that later...

Yesterday work continued in the same vein as normal. My mind floating off to far distant, beautiful places as I worked, at least when I wasn't busy singing along to some song on the radio. I realised i was actually pretty happy and this job I was doing didn't interfere with that. In fact the people I work with actually add to that. Except of course for Neanderthal...

Technically Neanderthal is the same rank as me but I know the job inside out and he doesn't but he needs to know it. I have been having issues with giving him instructions. I like to be polite and make things a request, rather than barking out an order. These requests have been generally met with no's that have left me gulping for words like a goldfish gulping for air out of water.

Yesterday I endeavoured to give a direct instruction.

'I would like you to take these here and give them to people and then go here and get this, please.'

'Why? Don't you want to do it today?'

'It's not that I just need to make sure you can do all these things. You won't need to do it again unless I am ill or on holiday.'

'But it's easy, anyone can do it'

'I know it is, but...'

'Are you one of those agoraphobics or something?'

I laughed. Of course I am but in a minor personal way that develops when i am alone in the house for weeks on end. I am not agoraphobic in work and never have been. It is a minor difficulty, not one people would ever notice. I know this all the way through my being, at work I am not agoraphobic.

I am however a fat and unfit office person working in a warehouse. They knew this when I was asked to go back. They wanted me back because of my speed on the computer and accuracy. Getting me to do warehouse duties is like trying to turn a carthorse into a racehorse (or vice versa). This is not saying I don't do things in the warehouse. I do. However if I attempted to do more than a few strenuous (to me) activities each day, I would be miserable and hurt.

Everyone knows this and understands this and is fine with it. I will get up unasked when no one is around and answer the door and take deliveries. I will monitor my absent colleagues emails and print things off for them. If they are busy I will even start on some of those things by myself as far as I am able. This is appreciated.

My desire to make sure that Neanderthal knows the warehouse duties and goes out into the warehouse stems from the fact that I am supposed to be on the computer all the time (pretty much) while he is supposed to do both jobs. As such he has to understand that as the one responsible for one of his duties, I shall be giving him instructions because I am the only one with any idea what is going on and where I am up to.

I don't think this makes me an agoraphobic. I fact I was more than a little put out that his response to me giving him an instruction was this. I was so gobsmakcked I had to tell some of my colleagues.

Later that evening we were discussing Neanderthal and it turned out I wasn't the only person who had reservations about him on day one. I like the fact that everyone has given him a chance despite gut feelings. I like the fact that everyone has been unfailingly polite and professional. I like the fact that our close knit team has taken a week to admit that he isn't going to fit quite so well. This is not to say anything much will change anytime soon, he can do the job, but he won't stay long term I expect.

As to me. Yesterday made me realise that I do belong and I like it. I am part of their team, I am one of them now. They understand I should be off somewhere else earning obscene amounts of money and using my expensive qualifications. But for now, I am part of their team and we all like each other and work well together. I may be fat and unfit, an unusual thing in my current working environment but I bring something to the team and save them from doing my boring job.

F thoroughly enjoyed meeting them all and could really see why I am strangely happy where I am, despite my lack of expectations of that... I would be foolish to leave right now.... There is talk of a temporary contract... I would probably accept a little one, a big one might be a little too scary...

This all made me think back to one of my wishes... and here it is...

3) To find a job where I can be.
I need a job as soon as possible following Christmas. I have a habit of doing temporary admin work but would be happy to move on from this. I don't care what it is that I do as long as it is in a place that doesn't make me miserable or stop me from growing...

I think recognising when you have received what you asked for is a real pleasure. It is why I firmly believe that asking for something very prescriptive in magic (or prayer) is daft. By putting your true desires out there you allow life to bring you what you need, in whatever form. When I wrote my true partner seeking spell all those years ago, did I say I wanted F by describing all his details? No. I would have gotten it wrong cos I didn't know him yet. I stated how I wanted to feel and what type of relationship I wanted. Life did the rest and bought me a person I could never have described or predicted...

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