Lull

I am sat here with no thought as to what to say. Big Dog decided he couldn't get through the night without going out ( a sign of his advancing years? *sigh*) and I am the light sleeping one. I am also the one who needs their sleep the most. I am tired.

Although whatever was wrong last week has abated somewhat, my ankles are no longer swollen. My skin is still awful but I think this is due to hormones. A few days before I always get a real low period. Even if nothing is wrong, I always get a few hours when I feel awful for no obvious reason. Maybe it is this short term malaise about to hit... I have never ever found a way of avoiding this. I am not sure there is one.

Work saunters on at it's own pace and my new colleague is fine really, I guess, apart from being a bit of a neanderthal. Oh and the flirting with our lady boss, definitely made me smile a little. Especially as they are both single and my boss was flirting back...Definitely not my type but then it is horses for courses.

I would rather have a Quasimodo (not that I have) with a heart of gold (F definitely has one of those) than a hunk who feels I have to be defended by someone with that odd, slightly sexist attitude some physically tough men have. I want a partnership of equals in my relationship. I may moan about F sometimes but he is my partner and the best part of my life. Suddenly sex is present in my work environment, not just flirting but his very presence and interests have bought discussion of young ladies into my little sphere of existence. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.

This is not his fault, it is mine. It is my fear. It is the source of it all. It is where my lack of self confidence, my agoraphobia started, with a man not so disimilar to him in attitudes. It is something that in all these years I have never been able to erase. It is not this new man's fault and I shouldn't tar him with the same brush. It is not something I actually agree with.

I have been thinking about all this today and it occured to me that this chap has many of the attributes of the Horned God. I have struggled with patriarchal religion for the longest time, probably because of my experiences growing up at a Christian school. I find it hard to revere the more blatantly masculine aspects. I have gotten better at this but maybe this man's presence here in my life right now is by way of a test of the green man sort...

Talking of Christianity, I have been watching the BBC's 'A History of Christianity' and it has made intriguing viewing. I find it odd that my Christian School which was able to make up it's own curriculum left so much out. They talked of persecution done unto them but not of the persecution they did unto others. They never mentioned the link between politics and the spread of christianity. It has helped me understand the things I have been learning about the early christianity of Cornwall within a broader picture. At some point I shall write more on this all I expect as I find this history fascinating...