Friday, 20 February 2009

Being Me

I have always felt a little guilty for my gifts. I have a high IQ and a good academic record. People place so much importance on this, although I am not entirely sure why. My lack of ruthessness and self confidence has not helped me to get ahead. Being contented and a good person are far, far more important I think than being clever but striving for these does not help gain a good career.

My feeling apologetic over my abilities started early with my sister and has only continued over the years. I hate that by being cleverer I am making other people feel less clever. I can see in others faces when they are forced to accept that I may be cleverer or them that generally they really don't like this.

Tonight we went to a quizz and the questions were unusually skewed towards my abilities. We were the team in the corner being a little rowdy and having the most fun. Nobody expected us to do well. Nobody expects the fat mumsy looking woman with the dirty laugh to know a thing or two about science and maths. F contributed handsomely as well as he has a mind that latches on to random trivia, particularly of the film and music variety.

To cut a bit of waffle short, we won. By one point. No one was more surprised than us as we hadn't been taking it seriously. This left me feeling guilty. I know I shouldn't but I do. I actually don't feel comfortable up there in the limelight. I don't like the way people readjust and suddenly notice you. I like sitting back and having a laugh. I don't like the limelight or to be taken too much notice of. I like to slowly get to know people first before I let them in and loosen up a little.

One thing I love about the group of people I currently work with is that they don't care about what I can do so much (they might if I couldn't do my job *laugh*). We are equals and we get on. They are comfortable in their own skins and so what i can do doesn't make them feel bad. Because of this we work well as a team as we can happily use each others strengths and work round any weaknesses. We are comfortable and happy.

Maybe it would be easier if I looked like a nerd... Instead of a plump mumsy sort... I think society still has a habit of underestimating women unless they have fought to gain a place at or near the top. I know people often understimate me. Doing the sort of work I end up doing doesn't help. Some would feel that my current job has taken me even further from my capabilities. Why then am I happier in this job than I have been in any other for quite some time?

Why does society value some skills more than others? Why is there often a divide between blue collar and white collar workers? Some of the people I work with right now are the most clever, sensible and nice people I have ever known and I don't need for them to have a piece of paper to tell me that...

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