I went to Camborne today and wandered around Trevithick Day taking photos of this and that for the Scavenger Hunt. The weather was unpredictable, grey and gloomy mostly with occasional showers and winds. It wasn't anywhere near as busy as it should have been because of the weather.
F wanted to stay home and play computer games so I went by myself. Although i saw lots of things, being there made me feel very alone. If you have no one to comment to, or to joke with, things just aren't as much fun.
I am glad I accomplished my hunt but I nearly came back cold and damp before I had finished.
Being there made me feel like an outsider. A recent reading by a friend that came this morning didn't help. The way I have been feeling recently about things sat on top and added into the mix.
I have always played by the rules, I have strong ethics both in how I deal with the world and with others. I treat others as I want to be treated. I work hard. People who treat others much worse than I do are often far better liked by others. People who make a lot less effort at work than I do and are less able are often far more appreciated at work than I am.
My sister can be, frankly, a moody and unpleasant person and this face shows more to family than to outsiders I think. Somehow, when we were kids all the kids always used to like ehr better. The adults liked me. At school, I never had any really good close friends. At college I did but these were fun time friends, many of which have disappeared into the ether. In the city, I left after 4 years with not a backward glance and facebook has shown me that somehow, I was never the one people wanted to take a photo of. I may have been at the party but I wasn't somehow seen, even by people that professed to be very good friends.
This extends to the here and now. People don't always see me. Others walk through crowds and somehow, like a dance, everything flows right and people get where they want to. It doesn't work like this for me, I am always at the wrong speed or they don't see me or they don't care that we are in danger of walking in the same space. Children generlly seem to have a sixth sense as to what is around them and they don't walk into things very often, somehow they often walk into me and they bounce of on their way without even seeming to notice.
I make people uncomfortable. I am very academic and an academic woman, particularly one who is better than most men at things like maths and physics, is not something people know how to deal with. Just by being a fraction of the being that is me sets those who are insecure on edge.
I have always had the feeling that I have to play down my intelligence. My folks wanted my sister and I to feel equal so my achievements were never spoken of and they never felt like they held any real value, they still don't. In doing this they built her up and knocked me down because we are like chalk and cheese and making us equal could never, ever work.
I am the person who attracts knowing looks from the strange looking woman in the folk band. I am the person who gets a long look from a woman who reeked of power.
I realised today that many of my comfort books have a heroine who is dowdy or over clever or hard working or overly responsible. The woman always benefits in the end from their perseverance and gets the best man and wins the day having found their own unique and special place in the world. I have the man but I haven't won or found my special place in the world.
This is not to say i don't belong anywhere and I don't have friends - I do. Somehow F makes me fit better. He is not academic but he has the ability to set anyone and everyone at ease. His being with me makes me more visible to people and somehow less disturbing to.
I am somehow different. It isn't my imagination. I have tried to be less different all my life. I have felt envious of those who fit in, even if they are less able, less hard working and less sensible, even if they are maybe jealous of me.
I have much more to think about on this. But I am other....
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