I am not sure what to say tonight. I have lots of things I could grumble about, my boss, work, future m-i-l, moon time etc, etc.
I think so much of how I feel is about feeling trapped and unable to tell people how I really feel. I don't feel able to stand up for myself.
I don't feel able to stand up to my boss. I have seen her completely illogically not listen to colleagues and keep believing her version of events no matter what the other person says. The other person got fed up of being shouted at and having to say the same thing over and over again without being listened to and walked off in the end. They have a heart of gold but don't deal with stress to well. Every mistake or problem is huge and the worst thing ever. Instead of making us more careful, it makes us nervous and I end up feeling quite jumpy. When will there be another eruption?
In the past, whenever I have felt myself to be in a situation like this at work, I have handed in my resignation and moved on. This time I don't feel able to. Part of me craves some stability for a change. I want to work for two years so I am entitled to paid maternity leave. Now is not a good time to leave a job... Competition for other jobs is so fierce out there right now.
My future m-i-l is another situation where I can not talk and discuss the situation sensibly. The events that take place are always from her point of view. She could be seen as selfless - she is always doing things for others but, with her, there are always strings. She wants to control and be involved. She wants to spoil without any reflection on whether this is what people need. It is what she needs. I feel there is some deep instability and need within her. She wants you there, not to talk to, or do anything with, just to be there - and do nothing.
Discussing this with her is out of the question. Any sort of confrontation and she turns on the waterworks and is suddenly at risk from having a stroke. At this point you might think I am being a little unfair, but... She has a very sharp tongue and uses it freely on others, she complains in restaurants with the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs. If there is something you don't like her doing, you can tell her, she cries a lot, then she is a bit ill so you can't bring it up again and then slowly, oh so slowly, she starts doing whatever it was again... Trying to sort anything with her is a lesson in futile.....
So why is this sort of situation a recurring theme in my life? What is this trying to teach me? That sometimes you have to fight? That sometimes running away is a good thing? That acceptance is the way forward with some things? I don't know. I don't know what is the best way to face this challenge that keeps coming in different forms. I can sit here, at this point in my life, and look back and see it there, and there, and there. Stretching back..... I want to move out of this cycle...
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