Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Behaviour Patterns

I am not sure what to say tonight. I have lots of things I could grumble about, my boss, work, future m-i-l, moon time etc, etc.

I think so much of how I feel is about feeling trapped and unable to tell people how I really feel. I don't feel able to stand up for myself.

I don't feel able to stand up to my boss. I have seen her completely illogically not listen to colleagues and keep believing her version of events no matter what the other person says. The other person got fed up of being shouted at and having to say the same thing over and over again without being listened to and walked off in the end. They have a heart of gold but don't deal with stress to well. Every mistake or problem is huge and the worst thing ever. Instead of making us more careful, it makes us nervous and I end up feeling quite jumpy. When will there be another eruption?

In the past, whenever I have felt myself to be in a situation like this at work, I have handed in my resignation and moved on. This time I don't feel able to. Part of me craves some stability for a change. I want to work for two years so I am entitled to paid maternity leave. Now is not a good time to leave a job... Competition for other jobs is so fierce out there right now.

My future m-i-l is another situation where I can not talk and discuss the situation sensibly. The events that take place are always from her point of view. She could be seen as selfless - she is always doing things for others but, with her, there are always strings. She wants to control and be involved. She wants to spoil without any reflection on whether this is what people need. It is what she needs. I feel there is some deep instability and need within her. She wants you there, not to talk to, or do anything with, just to be there - and do nothing.

Discussing this with her is out of the question. Any sort of confrontation and she turns on the waterworks and is suddenly at risk from having a stroke. At this point you might think I am being a little unfair, but... She has a very sharp tongue and uses it freely on others, she complains in restaurants with the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs. If there is something you don't like her doing, you can tell her, she cries a lot, then she is a bit ill so you can't bring it up again and then slowly, oh so slowly, she starts doing whatever it was again... Trying to sort anything with her is a lesson in futile.....

So why is this sort of situation a recurring theme in my life? What is this trying to teach me? That sometimes you have to fight? That sometimes running away is a good thing? That acceptance is the way forward with some things? I don't know. I don't know what is the best way to face this challenge that keeps coming in different forms. I can sit here, at this point in my life, and look back and see it there, and there, and there. Stretching back..... I want to move out of this cycle...


  1. I wish I had something wise to say, but don't. I find it easy to stand up to people, but like you I wonder what the point is if they just don't see it. I give up then because where do you go?

    I know that's not helpful, but what MIGHT be helpful is me saying I'm rooting for you! :)

  2. I can certainly relate to much of what you are saying here. I have similar recurring themes in my own life.

    It seems that it comes down to a flawed perception of our own self-worth -- somehow we don't consider ourselves 'worthy' of respectable and considerate treatment in some areas and so we avert our eyes and hang our heads and adapt and shift to suit the person/situation we're dealing with.

    Ironically, I find a lot of wisdom in the words of the venerable Dr.Phil..'You teach people how to treat you.'...and its so very true. Once I started viewing things that way...a lot changed..a lot more needs changing but I am making some progress! :)

    Your future m-i-l sounds like a textbook passive-aggressive personality, and perhaps a bit of a bully? They're probably one of the most manipulative forces in human nature..as you well know...still, that's what's been working for her and will continue to do so until something changes. And unfortunately, unless there's some sort of 'intervention' by all the appropriate party's, you'd only end up looking the 'bad guy' should you be the sole force against her...

    ~spreading more sunshine~


  3. could say loads but dashing to work so a quick (((((hug)))) to keep you going xxxx

  4. Thank you everyone! Synchronicity at work... I found this on my reading list this morning from the wonderful Gemel http://gemelsworld.blogspot.com/2009/04/there-are-four.html.

    I have changed my attitude towards the m-i-l over the years but yesterday she was particularly annoying. Most of the time I avoid her and don't really see much of her at all. She is F's to deal with and as I don't like her that much she is not a large part o fmy life. She makes sure she is a large part of F's life though...

    So what do I change my attitude to?

  5. A suggestion, although at first it may seem contradictory, is Acceptance. If you can *accept* that she's annoying, bothersome, aggravating and then embrace it, then she loses all power over you.


  6. I have mostly accepted her I think. What I really need to work on is accepting this trap I am making for myself, consisting of my job...