Black Rant

There seems to be a real interest at the moment in the blog community about respecting our shadow selves. I know this is all about owning all our feelings, including the negative ones and loving ourselves, even when we feel bad. i don't have a problem with others sharing their shadows but I don't want to bring mine out here, at least, not to often.

I have found it too easy in the past too live a little too immersed in my shadow side. I get wrapped up in myself, then I get more agoraphobic and depressed. I think too much, I play things over in my head. The more I think, the lower my self-worth sinks. This all feeds together in a big swirly circle. What did life really hold except more of the same? What was there to be sooo enthusiastic about?

Many years ago I had a bad and destructive relationship. I was very naive and being the analytical sort I was, what happened ripped apart my view of the world. In order to rebuild myself I had to spend a lot of time thinking and analysing. I had to trawl my past and my childhood. I had to pick it all apart in order to rebuild a better world view from scratch.

I put myself back together. I learnt I had a problem saying no. I learnt I had been repressing my anger for years because I felt it was a negative thing. Picking became a habit. It can only take things so far.

Sometime you have to let go of the bad things. Living in the past is unhealthy, as is living in the future. The only place contentment lies is in the present moment. Contentment contains all emotions but it is the harmony of them all working together that brings balance. I don't want a shadow self, I want to be me. I want to be whole and full. I grump when I get tired, not my shadow self. I am dreadful with money, me, not some other aspect of me. My guilt over being bad with money is also mine as are my fear of being thin and having to deal with the attentions of strangers even if it means I am fat and unhealthy. I know all these things but knowing lost it's power to help me because knowing only takes you so far, doing has to take you the rest of the way.

I don't get too personal on my blog because I don't want to be identifiable, I don't want my blog to become attached to my public life as this would change what I said. I don't want to talk about certain situations in my life on here because I see little point, I have reached acceptance of these situations and bringing them out would infringe on others right to privacy. But the biggest reason I don't air all these issues is that writing this blog is about me learning to live in harmony and not with the shadow whispering in my head. It is about me developing a life and learning how to live. It is about re-learning to be creative and getting out and about more. It is about connecting with others.

That is not to say I never air some less positive emotions on here, or at least they could be negative if viewed differently. Grief for instance. I have no problem with grieving but I wanted my expression of grief to be balanced and I hope the soul journal page I did reflected this balance I aim for. I cried and cried until there were no tears left and my eyes hurt. My frustration with neanderthal could have been less positive if it wasn't accepted and it could have cropped out in all sorts of unpleasant ways.

I am not saying I am perfect but for me, I have walked too long in my shadow and my blog has helped bring me into the light. This is my truth.