Signs of Hope

I know I have probably said this before but, as much as I hate my job right now, I still don't quite think the time has come to jump. I have had a habit of jumping ship rather easily in the past. Sometimes of necessity as a habitual temp, jobs do end and new ones begin, but I have also prematurely left a lot of positions....

In my younger days I had a habit of leaving jobs after 4 months cos I started to get bored. My longest length of time in a single position is a year. There are one or two places where I have been for longer periods but in different roles at different times. Places I have gone back to.

Sometimes my jumping ship has in effect cut off my nose to spite my face. Looking back I wonder why I did that, why I left there before I had drained it dry of benefit, before I had a real peach of a job to go on to. When I graduated I had a job, one of the places I kept going back to but my Boss left as they finally had enough of their Boss and had a very nice job offer. Without my buffer and friend I was the direct target of the Over-Boss and after my first tongue lashing I decided that I was not going to stick around. I think leaving that job and not pursuing the links I made signed a death warrant on any hopes of a career in Environmental Science I might have had, at least so far it has...

I feel as if I have something to prove by staying put, by enduring, by demonstrating that i can put down roots, that I can.... That it is needful somehow, although the whys and wherefores have not been made clear to me. I might be completely insane in this but I feel as if I will know when it is time to go, that something will happen, there will be some sign.

All the signs right now are suggesting hope and future happiness while saying now is not quite the time.....

I left the house to find a pair of magpies eating on the pavement opposite. I got to the shop to find a beautiful and vivid rainbow in the sky. Marc Coen's song Walking in Memphis came on and this always speaks to me of hope and tells me I am in the right place. Then at lunch, two more magpies, in a bush nestled together. I got to and from my car inbetween hale showers, yay for not getting wet! And afterwards there was another rainbow in the sky.

Hope springs eternal and maybe soon my dreams with be able to blossom..... Maybe it is nearly time. Maybe....

Shaman

We westerners have a talent for taking words and concepts from other cultures and using them for our own ends.

Not surprisingly I am reading about Shamanism right now. I have just come across this website all about Tengerism. This is a website written to promote and preserve Mongolian and Siberian Shamanism. Except it isn't. Tengerism is the religion and Shamans are the priests of this religion.

When anthropologists traveled to the new world they found similar beliefs amongst some of the tribes and so they lumped them all together under the term shaman. The different tribes do not apparently share the same beliefs.

Steps have been taken in some countries to ensure that Shamans are registered so that people can not claim to be what they are not. You can not become a Shaman in a weekend and apparently, according to Tengerism, you are chosen by the spirits at birth and this is made clear later in life. Another Shaman should recognise the potential and seek to train the new Shaman who then progresses through nine degrees, although few reach the ninth.

I can see how if a term that refers to your holy people is hijacked and now refers to people of many nations and beliefs. I can see how different tribes would become offended by being lumped together. How it would be offensive when people assume that because they have read a book about shamans that they therefore know what the believes are of someone who belongs to a specific tribe somewhere else. Ignorance is no excuse.

But what do you do when that word has come to be an umbrella term for a bunch of tribal believes that share certain things?

We all love a label don't we?

I guess the problem is that we carelessly lost our own tribal faiths that would have fallen under the shamanic umbrella. Except it wasn't careless. Just as empire making has spread the word shaman, so it was empire building which took our original pagan beliefs and turned them into something else. They were swallowed up somewhere within Catholocism, wewll parts of them were....

So maybe we need a new word. A new classification. So that we can talk about what we believe without giving offence to those that we seek to learn from. Using our own words, from our own languages. Any ideas or suggestions?

The words we do have Witch, Wicca, Druid and Bard all have meanings of their own...

Tarot

A little Samhain tarot, using Arthurian Tarot.

Prydwen's Anchor
1. What is happening right now - Sword Five
Defeat, slander, cowardice, unethical behaviour, divisive means, thwarted plans, sloppy or malicious thinking causes things to go awry. I guess the question is, who is making things go awry, me or someone else...

2. Current direction - Stone Knight
Responsible and trustworthy, patient and methodical, may seem dull but is stubbornly committed. So I guess that is where I am heading right?

3. How am I preventing the free flow of my life - Spear Three
Established strength, controlled intention, intuitive understanding gives an expansive outlook and resulting opportunities, scrupulous responsibility, enterprising initiative. I always find this spot a hard one to read, is this what I am doing or what I need to be doing?

4. Current opportunities - Merlin
The impulse of creation, imaginative insight, mastery through disciplined skill, initiative, self confidence, perception on all levels, alignment to and free flow with one's life patterns. This is precisely the opportunity I want!

5. Home / Family - Spear Queen
Deeply committed to healing the earth, deeply attuned to its needs and has suffered in it's service. Her grief is well hidden and she is generous and friendly to all.

6. Job / Vocational - The Wounded King
Wisdom gained through hardship and experience, spiritual insight, commitment to inner principles, a changing of one's life, inner healing, meditation, purification, stripping away inessentials, self sacrifice. I think this fits with work...

7. Relationships - Sword Nine
Suffering, grave doubts, guilt, premonitions, nightmares, cruelty, despair, depression, inability to take personal responsibility for one's path, the need for a disciplined lifestyle and commitment to logical thought. I don't like this one bit.

8. What should I become self aware of - Stone Nine
Accomplishment, enjoyment of solitary pursuits, love of nature, aesthetic pleasure derived from one's belongings, relaxation and leisure, ease, fulfillment of physical needs.

9. The Past - Sword Three
Sorrow, separation, deep disappointment, loss, the possession of the thoughts by jealousy, brooding on personal slights, it is necessary to analyse one's receptivity to the tide of events and acknowledge one's responsibility for others pain. I can go with that.

10. Possible future outcomes - Sword King
Giver of justice, a wise counsellor, analytical judgements, severity tempered by impartiality, shows how love of self-analysis and truth ay govern one's life.

A mixed bag for next year then. I hate the court cards, I find them so hard to place in a reading. I can't say as that reading feels me with joy, there are some difficult things in counterpoint. It completely agrees with the feeling of impending upheaval that seems to be circling me. I don't think it is going to be an easy ride at all.

Let's look at self limitation with Mabon's Gate...

1. What I would like to achieve - Taliesin
Tradition, revelation, inspiration, insight, preservation of heritage, initiation, advice or counsel, transformation of the mundane into the spiritual. Pretty spot on I think.

2. Blocks - Sword seven
Unstable effort, little progress, plans fail as a result of confued thinking, self-deceit, passivity, over-defensive, the need for proper conceptualization. Harsh but fair I guess.

3. Unconscious blocks - Arthur
Leadership, authoritative energy, the weilding of power for the good of all, will power, organisation, courage, responsible love, fatherhood, dynamism. Eek. Not sure how this fits exactly. Maybe it just means I worry to much about others.

4. Already achieved - The Sun
Innocence, purity, enthusiasm, warmth, a loving heart, joy, freedom, enlightenment, wholeness, health, intolerance of shadows in any aspect of life, clarity, directness, true vocation realized. A nice card to get, perhaps overplaying things a little....

5. What helped me - Stone four
Earthly power, conscientious ambition, material gain, possessiveness, selfishness, spiritual miserliness, time to be generous with others.

6. How have I helped myself - Grail six
Rediscovery of one's roots,ancestral memories, the pleasure of remembered links, a sense of tradition and continuance, atavism, karmic recall. so digging around in the past then...

7. The way others see my idea - Spear six
Victory, advancement realized through steady growth, pride in achievement, recognition, intuitively self-confident, ceremonial honours.

8. Who will benefit - Stone hallow
Incisive energy, the dispelling of illusions, conquest, championship, strength and power, love of truth and justice, the power of the mind, rational deduction or perception, light in dark places. Who?

9. How I can revisualise my idea - The Flowering of Logres
Restoration, culmination, triumph, attainment, perfection, rapture, spiritual healing, creative growth, the new aeon. What? Really? *blush*

10. The next step - The Spiral Tower
Reversal of energies, withdrawl of old customs phases and concepts, shocking change, liberation from outworn concepts, humility, the realization of limitations, natural forces at work, a curative illness, loss of cosy security, transfiguration, self-awareness. Oh dear, so much for a peaceful life...

11. The key to unlock achievement - The White Hart
Love, both sexual and spiritual, the vision of inner beauty, emotional ties, trust, the marriage of hearts and minds, friendship, fulfillment of desire. I guess the other reading was being a bit mean about my relationships then....

I don;t know why but prydwen's anchor has been mean recently, not that I have done many readings using it.... Mabon's Gate was much nicer and offered much more hope.

Spirit

Pinkfairygran asked a question about the difference between spirits and ghosts. I did a little reading....

We all have a soul. Our soul exists before we are born and will continue after we are born. Our spirit is more connected with us and grows in strength with us. So some people have stronger spirits than others. It is our essence, what makes us us in this life. Spirited people have stronger essences.

Lots of things have spirits if you believe in animism. Trees, rocks, whatever....

A ghost is the spirit of someone that has died but tends to be used to refer to an apparition of a dead person. They haunt the place that they died. I have heard them described as the emotional energy left as a sort of tape recording of traumatic events. Some ghosts are more than mindless reinactments of past events. I think it is these ghosts that are a little more that are more truly spirits because they still retain something of the original person.

I remember ghost stories from my childhood being all about ghost horsemen and people seeing some traumatic event being replayed. It doesn't seem to be so much like that these days. Maybe it is because of programmes such as Most Haunted. Most Haunted would definitely be all about contacting spirits rather than watching ghostly apparitions. The spirits of Most Haunted might be able to move things, talk through a medium, affect the temperature or appear as an orb but they don't seem to be able to appear as ghosts. Do you ever hear of ghosts in this way any more?

All i know is that I have never seen a ghost. Have you?

I did a ghost walk once of an old market town. He had made quite a study of the ghosts in the older buildings around the market square and had some interesting insights.

Ghosts respond to their own culture, not the culture of those trying to get rid of them. A Chinese restaurant in this town became haunted by a hanged person. They were very superstitious and tried every thing they could from the considerable wealth of lore they had from their varied homelands. Nothing worked and eventually they had to admit defeat and call in a local ghost expert who exorcised the ghost and it was never seen again.

Ghosts in that town appear to have a time delay. They start to appear so many years after their death and then so many years later they fade away. So all the ghosts appearing in that town came from the same era. The earlier ghosts reported by other past generations had faded away and were no longer seen. The energy fades. The recording stops. The ghost fades. The spirit moves on?

A shaman called Reya who writes the blog The Gold Puppy wrote about a war memorial in DC that suddenly seemed to have become a doorway for the spirits of the dead from the Vietnam war to start moving through. Maybe their delay was over. Maybe we all sort of stick close to this realm when we first die. Maybe it varies from soul to soul. I don't know.

But also it seems to me that the behaviour of ghosts has changed over the years too. Maybe the way the ghosts behave depends on how they believe they will behave. Maybe those spirits who died horrible deaths, just wanted to show others how they died. Maybe some spirits just don't want to leave their homes. Maybe some want to scare people because they like to do that. Maybe the mother visits the child because that is what they want to do. Maybe the spirits that Most Haunted find don't want to appear, maybe they can't.

I grew up in a very old cottage. Over four hundred years old. It used to be two tiny farm labourers cottages but at some point they were made into one. The house had no foundations and creeked and moved as it heated and cooled, dried and sucked up moisture. I grew up used to all te noises of wood and brick moving. Two staircases with one splitting half way up to go to my folks room or my room. If someone went to my aprents room i would not wake but if they set one foot on a stair in the fork to my room, i would instantly wake. Those noises were the house and were familiar and known. Not scary but comforting and familiar.

I never saw a ghost or felt a ghost there. Many people must have died there over the years but I never felt anything other than happiness and quiet support from the house and garden. At one point in my life I attracted some nasty thing. A black blob. For a while i had to make a circle to sleep in. A witch friend I spoke to on the phone about it felt an echo of it that night and had to sleep in a circle to. It followed me, like a black dog from Cornwall to my parents house (maybe it went because I got Big Dog... hmmm....). And there it had to stand at the gate, it couldn't step onto that land. I have no doubt some powerful folk lived there and they set up protections that still remain. Maybe their spirits linger and protect it. Who knows. I can't remember how but the black thing one day went....

So I guess we shouldn't be scared of ghosts or spirits but we should treat them like we would people. Don't take sweeties from strangers (*laugh* except at haloween) but allow them to gain our respect and trust so they can be friends, if they deserve it. Just cos we can't see them, doesn't mean they are not there. And just because they are there doesn't mean we should pester them.

Come Again

So here we are on Samhain. On the outside we are not going to be looking very haloweeny. We were given to signs by the police, one say trick or treaters welcome and one saying not welcome. I think we shall be sticking up the not welcome one with a little note underneath saying we have the lurgy. I might stick a bowl of sweets on the doorstep, not sure.

I will light candles for my dead. Big Dog. Uncle D who died a few weeks a go. My Gran, even though I never overly gelled with her. Her husband who I never met and know so little about because my Dad isn't very talkative about him (or anyone else). My Nan's two husbands (although she is still alive) my Grandad and my Uncle R. B who was a family friend who died of cancer when I was in my late teens. B who was a cousin's wife who died when I was very young and who was my first experience of death. I remember vaguely having that conversation with my Mum.

I think I will also do a reading by the candles tonight. I like tarot. I like reading others readings to. Eco Yogini posted hers today but blogger wouldn't let me comment....

I guess what I really wanted to write about was the dream I had last night. I dreamt I was pregnant. Very pregnant. I realised something had happened to the baby as it had not moved in some time. I told F and he took me to the hospital. We knew the baby was dead and needed to come out but we couldn't find the casualty (A & E) department in the hospital. It seemed it would appear at the time it was due to open. I kept walking around the hospital trying to find it so I could be rid of my dead baby. Shortly before I woke up, my waters broke. No one cared about finding me the A & E any more, the first nurse around was grabbed instead....

I guess my interpretation of it is that not all things that begin are meant to be. Something has begun with me that is not supposed to be and although I know it is not meant to be I have to wait for it's time to end. That time is close. There might be some pain. No caesarian for me, the department that would have done that wasn't there, not for me. I have to do it the painful, old fashioned way but the people to help are all around.

I know I don't write and remember my dreams as often as I should, only when they really want to be remembered. I have no bedside lamp so i can not write them down in the middle of the night easily. I probably should sort this. Sometimes my dreams are very.... I am convinced I had a dream warning that I would lose Big Dog.

Anyway, Happy Samhain!

Ghost Story

Some of my new books came through the door today. One of these was The Mystery of Grace by Charles de Lint. As well as the second of the Fionavar books, why couldn't it have been the first one that arrived first?

So I start reading The Mystery of Grace and discover it is the perfect book for Samhain. It is all about a lady who dies and finds that she can come back on Samhain and Beltaine when the veil is thin. The first time she comes back she meets a man....

I loved this story. So appropriate and a lovely take on this time of year. Not a scary ghost story or anything halloween-esk.

I love how sometimes i find myself, by chance, doing something appropriate for the time of year, quite by chance. Beltane found me drinking mead on a stag do with the Summer King waving a wand and wearing pink horns. Samhain finds me reading ghost stories. Yule found me standing in a hill fort watching a balefire being lit following a masked procession.

My birthday found me being gifted with rowan witch wood for a wand and a staff. Pure chance.

Chance happenings. Quietly becoming more in tune. How often are we in tune but don't notice it? The world turns whether we watch it or not. We are creatures of this earth no matter what we pretend.

The veil thins tomorrow whether people pay attention or not but unless we are listening or have a particular talent for it, chances are we won't come across a spirit who will make their presence felt. I have never seen a ghost and don't think I have felt one. Doesn't mean they arn't there and doesn't mean I won't remember my dead tomorrow.

Happy Samhain

Celebrations and Jubilations

Yesterday was my birthday. It didn't begin as I had hoped. The alarm went off at seven because the boiler man was coming to find out why it keeps switching itself off and flashing little lights at us. I would much rather have had a lie in but hey...

It turned out to be a little corrosion on the sensor that tells it the pilot light has gone out.

After some pressies and some breakfast lovingly cooked by F, he forced me out the door and into the car. I knew he was taking me to a far away wood. It started to drizzle as we drove there. hmmm

We ate our food and then wondered over to the map. He asked me which trail I wanted to do and I chose the nice easy one the went a long one side of the river, over a bridge and back down the other side. It had easy next to it and I suspected it would be lovely and flat.

Cardinham Woods is situated in the Glynn Valley. A lovely valley that is just so beautiful. Full of little rivers carrying water away from Bodmin Moor. Steep sided valleys run into each other. Covered in trees. The woods are mostly pine because they are Forestry Commission plantations but there are some broad leaved areas here and there.

Little Dog met and socialised with a few dogs including a Collie that swiped her side for no reason leaving her with a cut. She danced in the rivers and ran backwards and forwards and was generally joyful. The only times she was bad with other dogs and even growled was when she got bitten and also when I went to stroke another dog who had jumped up at me. I think growling is a fairly minor communication really. I doubt the Collies owners even realised their dog had drawn blood.

We happily trundled along until we reached a point where another trail left our nice easy route. F pointed up the trail. And yes I do mean up. This trail snaked up the side of the valley, clinging precariously to the side of the hill. I went pale and said no. It soon became clear that F really wanted to do this and that i would feel bad if I didn't, even though I didn't want to climb hills...

I had to stop a lot. The Mistress of Pain had taught me a couple of stretches to help with problem parts of my legs. I had to stretch out my ankles most times I stopped. At the top I knelt down and leant back to stretch out some other muscles, somewhere in my legs that hurt. It helped a lot but not completely!

Once up the side of the hill, the path wound around the hills at a steady height with only minor slopes. Once I stopped glowering at F i actually enjoyed it. The only person we saw up there was a Ranger doing an annual check to ensure there were no dangerous fallen trees endangering the path. And he was driving.

Amongst the pines were other things. Many dung beetles. The occasional fungus. I could hear buzzards calling. And there were other trees, oak, beech and then, suddenly, a little cluster of Rowans. These are not trees I see very often, in fact I can not remember the last time I did. They are not common in the areas I have lived. I have often wanted a piece of this wood for different things while reading witchy things. It has always somehow seemed the last obtainable. When I thought about making a tree oracle, this was the one that was going to be hardest for me to find. It is one that is recommended for wands and stangs.

So I see a little cluster of the trees and I say to F that I want some of their wood. Neither of us willing to chance the steep slope to get to them. We continued on. And there, at a fork in the path was a cluster of them, within reach. I begin looking. It was pretty hopeless. I told F that I wasn't willing to take living wood from the tree itself but the temptation was of course huge - to break one little twig. F got bored and carried on. I spotted a cluster of berries that had fallen and was caught in a branch. I took this as a gift, even though it wasn't what I wanted. Preparing to give up, I turned to move on.

And then I saw it. It was not a twig. It was probably a little tree, or maybe a branch of a larger tree. It had somehow been broken off and a couple of the twigs had started rotting. At it's base, a section the length of a think wand dangled. I broke the thick length at the bottom off to use as a wand but I didn't want to just leave the branch. I called F and he helped me strip the the twigs. I was bemused to find that I was left with something looking very much like a forked staff. I discovered that for all it's lack of thickness and the gently bowed nature of the branch, it made a very, very good walking stick. I gave silent thanks for this gift and moved on.

We descended the hill back to the easy trail and saw many beautiful spots. It seemed that most dog walkers took the opportunity to cross the first bridge and loop back so this far section of the easy trail was deserted. We found a little path that led down to the river and here I took off my socks and boots and dangled my poor sore feet in....

We continued on, past a beautiful old fashioned granite bridge. Past cottages. Past all sorts...

My exclamation halted F. I was a bit surprised that he thought such an eclamation might relate to the siting of another dung beetle. I had seen something on the path and I knew what it was. I had never ever seen one before and this was a very special moment. We have three 'snakes' in this country. The Adder is poisonous and has a distinctive V, I once had an encounter with one and it was beautiful. Then the Grass Snake and Smooth Snake. This looked like a snake but I knew it wasn't, it was a legless lizard, a Slow Worm.

It was a beautiful copper colour and it glistened. Reading about them online, it would have been a female that we saw. We took many photos. We watched as it decided we were not a threat and moved across the road to the verge where it nimbly moved through the moss and stones. It was lovely. A real priviledge.

We returned to the car and I squeezed my new stang in before collapsing in a tired aching heap. I dreamt of nice hot baths all the way home and couldn't wait to use some Lush treat I had purchased the week before. Little Dog actually lay down all the way home.

So we pull up and F announces I have an hour and a half and then we are off out.... I had my bath and it was lovely and then we bustled out of the house.

He took me to Carn Brea Castle. I posted about the hill this castle sits on here. I have wanted to go there ever since I moved to Cornwall. It was originally built as a medieval chapel, possibly to St Michael but was later rebuilt by the Bassett family as a hunting lodge. It isn't considered to be a proper castle because it is built on top of rocks and is classified as a folly. I think most importantly in terms of last night, it is now a restaurant. A tiny restaurant but a lovely one.

We ate Jordanian food that wouldn't fit into our diet plan and later the owner played his drum. It was a lovely intimate evening. Lit by candle light in a tiny, relatively bare room with rock walls, we were snug and happy and well fed. Afterwards we walked up to the monument in the dark....

A beautiful day. all thanks to my lovely F.

On Being a Mother and Trying to Get a Life

Ok, so I am not really a Mother... but I did give birth to something this week and like any first time Mum I am there constantly checking and tweaking and looking... Enough said... I need to let it grow by itself a little. I just hope it does grow. I hope it doesn't turn into a nasty teenager and remains a nice dutiful, kind sort of a being.

Time to leave it be and not obsess...

I did my first vision board Thursday and I love it but I shan't post it because I ruthlessly borrowed images and feel I shouldn't repost them. The thing that came through is the phrase the root of me with the question what is the root of me? It has a celtic circular pattern, a moon over water, a spiral stone staircase, a brightly coloured duo of person and child, a man looking at a tree and a fantastic and strange planty sorty of a lady.... I just need to finish the lettering and stick it up by my shrine.

Last night we went out to see District 9 which is very good but I would hesitate to recommend. It is a sci-fi movie with aliens and gore and action but it is also a strong statement about the morals of people and the society we live in. Many who would like the moral story wouldn't like the gore and vice versa. It is a film I hope they don't make a sequel to. We then ate some lovely food and came home to bed and Little Dog.

This morning I have promised myself a trip to St Ives for my Artist's Date. I want to go and buy some beads and some more glue. I also want to go to the Barbara Hepworth Garden. I don't know how famous Barbara Hepworth was around the world but she was a fantastic sculptress who lived in St Ives. The garden to her old home is beautiful. It may be small but her understanding of space and shape allowed her to transform it and of course, to fill it with sculptures that sit well in their surroundings..... I love it there...

Mystery

I have often said that I am bad with ceremony. I just have no idea how to get it. As such I tend to neglect it and neglect celebrating the moons and festivals.

I found myself celebrating Lammas despite myself. Drinking blackberry mead with a sacrificial king.

I think I celebrated the full moon last night despite myself again. I think I am being firmly told that there are other ways, without ceremony. Not necessarily easier ways either.

Sitting following a ceremony for me feels empty. I don't do it because I do not feel able to connect with the energy. I don't find it hard to follow and do, I just find it hard to connect with.

Last night in comparison, there were times when I was pretty scared, to say the least. Anyone can go out walking by themselves in the dark but for most people, I guess this is not how they connect. I discovered last night that it is how I connect.

There was one other odd thing. When I returned home I was tip tapping away on my laptop and Little Dog went in the other room and started growling, after a short while she came back and went back to sleep. When I went to bed she stayed downstairs. I was just going off to sleep when she started growling and barking again. I shut doors and bought her upstairs with me.

This morning when we came back down, Little Dog was very intrigued to go in the Lounge as if to check whether something was still there or not.

I have read that dogs can see ghosts.

I don't understand all of what last night means but I know there are layers of meaning in it. I know I started grumpy, tired and sad but by the end I was feeling enervated, happy and free. I know I touched deeper things but I don't have the knowledge and understanding to unpick them. I guess there are mysteries out there....

Animal Guides

I saw more wildlife than I had any reason to expect last night. Seeing a fox would normally be a highlight but it was well and truly trumped by seeing a badger...

I have a book called the Beasts of Albion that looks at the properties of some of the British Animal Guides. It doesn't include the birds I saw at the beginning. The closest it gets is Raven but this isn't right so my animal guide journey begins with...

Butterfly
The Butterfly is all about transformation of the spirit and the Celts also saw it as a sign of rebirth and renewal. It represents freedom to move on the winds of change and beauty and purity.

Mouse
It may not have been a mouse, it could have been a vole or a shrew but I suspect there would be similarities... The Mouse is about strength and growth and seeking the path. Mice are manifestations of the human soul and can travel between the world of men and the underworld. They symbolise hidden solutions, wealth and abundance as well as a tnedency to worry.

Badger
The wise and empowering holder of tradition. It is a stead fast, courageous animal that is a home loving animal and very sociable with it's own. The Badger is a guide which offers the support of the ancestors int he growth of awarenss and wisdom.

Bat
The Bat is a guide through the darkness towards awakening and wisdom through fear. It is a traditional sign of witchcraft and devil, which suits me fine, I have always liked bats. I even picked one up once. (I spent a lot of time in churches as a child as my folks were bell ringers. One time I picked up a piece of mould left in a vase in the corner of a church. It shook itself and sat and looked at me before flying off a little earlier than planned into the twilight.) So a guide through the dark, direction, inner strength, psychich powers... I would say the hidden side of woman...

Swan
The Swan is a sign of purity and inspiration and love. An association with Brigid and Apollo as well as with shape changing. This bird is all about true love and the abandonment of self to it as well as inspiration and transformation.

Fox
The Fox is a strong and intelligent mirror of the mind. Again the fox was a shape changing form favoured by witches. It is clever and adaptable and knows how to take advantage of the world without taking itself too seriously. It often laughs at itself.

Quite an interesting journey here I think although I am not sure how to put it all together in my head.

The King is Dead! Long Live the King!

I find it a little bizarre the way life has worked out for me this Lammas.

I am off to a work colleagues stag do. None of them are pagan, or at least, if they are they are keeping it just as quiet as I am. I doubt any of them knew the significance of this day when they chose this date.

Because we wanted to give him a good send off from work, this do is un-traditional. Respectable ladies never used to go to stag parties. There certainly would be no couples.

We will dress him up with pink horns (with a veil), an L-plate and a wand. I added things to them and posted them on my other blog. It was Mel that pointed out that they were very, very pagan being horns and a belled wand.

So I am off out to eat, drink and be merry to celebrate losing a man to marriage who will be dressed in horns and have a belled wand. On Lammas. Oh and we shall drink mead as well, and I like elderberry and blackberry best. How pagan is all of this? What synchronicity...

Fantastic stuff surely? There is just a slight odd feeling for me. The sacrificial king sits there in the back of my head for surely this is what we are crowning him? A slight feeling of unease.

I would love some thoughts on this from you folk out there...

Of course I shall celebrate and feast but something has to come after the feast. May it only be more joy!

Interview with a Yogini

The lovely Eco Yogini completed an interview on her blog. It seems that it is a chain interview! So now I have my lovely interview questions written by herself and I have to offer this service to anyone else out there... These are the rules...

* leave me a comment with your email address saying: “interview me”
* I will e-mail you five questions of my choice
* you can then answer the questions on your blog {with a link back to my blog}
* you should also post these rules, along with an offer to interview anyone else who emails you, wanting to be interviewed
* anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog
* it would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger

1) Books... as an avid reader, are there habits that drive you absolutely bonkers? How do you feel about spine bending, page bending, bookmarks, coffee stains etc? Have you ever lent out a book that when it was returned you were so disappointed with its' state?

I am generally a pretty relaxed book owner. I personally break the spine of all my paperbacks but I never break the spine of someone else's book, that would be rude! I do however hate bent pages and coffee stains. I have never lent a book that returned in a bad way but I have lent books that never made their way home. Some of the most shocking treatment of books has been in my own hands... There was the one I dropped in the bath and many of the books in my collection are currently suffering a little from damp... *sigh*


2) Being Wiccan / Pagan, do you feel there is a difference between North American and European Wicca?

Definitely! I think Wicca and Paganism at their best are somewhat linked to the land. The folk beliefs across Europe were many and varied and often linked to the place that they were practiced. Two men became interested in preserving as much of this as possible, Crowley and Williamson. Crowley found Wicca but Williamson found the beliefs of the little people, often lacking in education and still linked to a specific place.

These folk beliefs still survive in many ways across Europe. Traditions, superstitions and beliefs have stayed in families and villages and are still related to places. Where they are being revived, they are still generally in the memory of the oldest surviving people. Paganism is still there underlying much of what we do. Some places it is further from the surface but in others, like Cornwall, that connection to the land and pagan traditions is still very, very present.

As Paganism and Wicca become more socially acceptable the things preserved in places like this are flowing back out again. It is all right here to pick back up. There are ancient churches by holy wells, on top of hills, on beaches, by rivers, in woods. These holy places are still full of.... There are pagan traditions being practiced openly by mixed groups containing *shock horror* Christians, those traditional haters of all things witch. Just as I have accepted that Christianity is my heritage, so many Christians are accepting that pagan traditions are their heritage.

Wicca and Paganism are not endemic religions to North America. The religions of the Native Americans are the folk beliefs linked to the land there, not European beliefs. As such it is often apparent when reading about such Pagan beliefs in American, that Shamanism is a strong thread, which is as it should be. The Wicca of the New Forest that Crowley found could not have had within it's lexicon the spirits of the desert...

I am not a Wiccan, I am a witch. It sometimes feels that the word witch is one that Wiccans feel only they should be able to use. Truth is a witch is both, possibly more what I am as Wicca has striven to develop it's own identity. I sometimes feel that this attitude towards those non-Wiccan witches is more prevalent amongst North American Wiccans, who have perhaps lost their instinctual understanding of the connection between witch and Wicca as they have become more connected to their new land and it's sacred power.

My personal belief is that faith is in the heart and religion is.... somewhere else and may or may not include faith. Everyone's true faith is different and this diversity should be accepted and celebrated, as long as the underlying tenents are not damaging to society - I could not for instance condone a faith that included ritual cannibalism....

Sorry this answer got a bit long and sorry if my personal views have offended anyone out there.


3) As a creative soul, where do you wish in your innermost heart, for your art to take you? Imagine the world 60 years from now, where is your art, and where would you most like for it to be?

I guess what I want is to live in a beautiful home with beautiful and functional things that have soul. I also want to spread a little of this around to friends and family (and maybe have a little of the creative soul in my home to... *laugh*). I would quite like to write a book one day, on something, no idea what.

I guess my dearest thought is that I could buy some land and build a house and a forest garden. I would want to take the best of technology and of tradition. For instance my Mum only has a small fridge, she doesn't need a big one because she has a pantry. Why don't modern homes have pantries? I like technology but I want to make it work for me. Another example, i love long hot baths and end up wastefully adding extra water. I once saw a picture of a chap watching the sun set in an old tin bath with some extra pipe work added and a fire underneath it so water was continuously heated.

Gardens are so important these days, for water conservation and food. I saw on TV a programme with a forest garden. Trees were grown for food and forage with bushes and plants inbetween. Grain was not grown. I think it was something like one acre supporting 10 people with 10 days maintenance and 30 days harvesting per year. Without constant uprooting and applications of chemicals, fertility increased and the it was beautiful and semi-wild looking.

I want to be growing old there in 60 years time. With grandchildren and children also enjoying what we began.


4) What is your first/favourite memory of magic/fantastical world?

In a book or otherwise? I remember playing my best friend. We were having a private picnic in the field behind her house. I remember we were playing the one upmanship game of all the special things we could do. The game ended when I claimed I could make all the crumbs vanish from my plate. I threw it in the air and magically they all vanished. I remember that we were both impressed. *laugh*

I guess in a book though my first fantasy image I adored was the idea of the wood between the worlds in C S Lewis' The Magician's Nephew. A wood that went on forever with little pools of water between the trees that could take yo to other worlds. I guess I loved the possibility of the place... And it's dreamy nature.


5) What would be the most perfect wedding for you, if money and family dramas weren't an issue?

Oh I could spend a loooong time talking about this one. I want to either get married just me and him with a couple of witnesses on a beach somewhere or have it just be a fantastic day that caters to the needs of my guests, all of them.

I would want everyobdy to have a good day. Not for it to be about photographers and schedules. I would want for everyone to be able to stay nearby and not have to rush off home. I would want S to send invites to all the children so that it was his day too. I would want for there to be a church wedding with me in a red dress made by Denise Stracey with a ivory crochet long jacket over the top for in the church and a fake fur ivory bolero jacket for the when the evning grows cold. I would make swarovski crystal jewellery for my neice and I to wear with our dresses and my nephew and S would be page teenagers in grey suits with red ties made by Denise and ivory shirts and crystal cufflinks. F would be similarly attired.

As we were signing the register all the children from within the church and in the mobile creche would gather round the doors and blow bubbles at us as we left the church. Rose petals would be distributed at the church gate to scatter in the sun. There would be no standing around for photographs as we would have several photographers photographing things as they naturally happen or small groups...

We would all leave with everyone bundled into coaches. We would have an English tea party in the sun with various activities for the children such as a treasure hunt. Then to marquees for feasting in the evening. It wouldn't be a formal sit down meal more of a buffet. The top table would actually be four square tables so that F and I would be heads of our table of friends, my folks would be head of a table of friends and family but also sat next to us and then F's folks on the other side with friends and family on their table to.

The children would all be on their own table with S at the head and after the three top tables they would eat next and then all go off and have some fun somewhere else so they didn't have to listen to speeches.

Roses would be a theme as would crystal mimicing the pattern of stones in my engagement ring. There would be a tier of the cake that was persian rose cake. There would be a rose petal salad and lamb coated in spices including rose. There would be mint and rose tea as well as coffee and normal tea. I would carry a small bunch of old fashioned red roses and the tables would have rose petals on them and the glasses would be decorated with crystals. All the stationery would be made with handmade paper containing rose petals too.

There would be much alcohol and music but also quiet places for people to sit comfortably and talk. Children would have play areas. It wouldn't be full of family friends and family I barely know or hardly see. They would all be there but so would all my friends, old and new, from all around the world. Come to party and celebrate. The only group photo would be one as they all stand together having just arrived, stood as a crowd with upraised glasses (containing rose flavoured beverages) and a photographer looking down...

*sigh* the chances of me affording that are slim so I am working on running away to a nice beach instead...

The Jigsaw in my Head (a work forever in progress)

I had a post in my head last night but the lure of the bath and a good book to finish before bed was just sooooo tempting, I couldn't resist.

The post is linked to the book anyhow. I tend to have two books on the go at a time: a bath book for when I spend time in the bathroom and a car book for reading at work during lunch. My just finished bath book was Forests of the Heart by Charles de Lint and my car book is Brida by Paulo Coelho.

Earlier this year, our wonderful British TV stations aired two series that I series linked and found very interesting: Christianity, A History and Around the World in 80 Faiths. Both of these series spent a little time in South America. I hadn't understood how christianity has been taken by other countries and merged with their older believes. I hadn't known that christianity is so much more vibrant in other countries. I had no idea.

I love the way these peoples are taking the best of both and combining it to suit themselves. I think we did this ourselves a long time ago, hence the enshrining of many of our folk religion dates in the Christian calendar. We did it when we created Celtic Christianity in the Dark Ages. Celtic Christianity was what grew from the Celts mystical roots when the Romans left and took their political Roman Catholic church with them. I believe it was a view of christianity that was far truer to Jesus's vision than the church Constantine created.

I think that the spirit of christianity that lives in South America is far closer to Celtic Christianity. There seems to be a much more mystical touch to both. The spirits of the spirit world can live far more easily alongside Celtic Christianity and the other newer, more vibrant forms of Christianity arising around the world.

In Forests of the Heart, one of the main characters is a Curandera from the Sonara Desert who also has a strong faith but manages to combine the both. I had never realised before that this combining is something common to where she came from, to varying degrees, not something unique to her character in her book.

It also helps me understand Paulo Coelho's background and writings better. I can understand now where his religious, spiritual, mystical stories draw on the growing and changing culture of his homeland. Although Brida is set in Ireland, the same energy of Paulo as a writer is there.

It also helps me fit in the writings of Carlos Castaneda which read some years ago. It is as if by understanding a bit more of what is going on down in South America, it has helped me link together several pieces of the jigsaw that is this world. I like it when things come together in my head and some understanding is reached. I find a great satisfaction in learning and an even greater one in understanding.

Common Roots

I have been struggling a little, trying to get hold of this concept of deity. I can't seem to relate to a particular God or Goddess. I like the idea of neolithic Mother figures having no details on their faces. The figure I made has no details on her face and I am comfortable with that. Many people with similar beliefs to me choose a God or Goddess which they are drawn to. I find this idea difficult...

I have come to realise that this isn't a problem, it is all to do with how I believe things to be. My real, core belief. The one I had perhaps mislaid a little...

I believe that everything contains a spark of spirit. I believe these sparks together mount up to an incredible spirit, that is the spirit of our planet, that some might call Gaia amongst other names. I believe that this spirit is nature and you can see it most strongly when looking out on the world. To look on the beauty of the world is to worship for me.

This spirit is both good and bad, male and female. It is everything all in one and may have contradictions inherent in it. I believe that all the Gods and Goddesses ever worshipped are aspects of this spirit. My truth is not the truth of others but for me, to look for a personal deity feels wrong at this time, it is not at the root of my faith.

I was talking to F in a car park yesterday before we went into a shop. I asked him how he felt about the changes I have made to my life recently, my return to my spirituality in particular. F is a doer rather than a thinker but he has the almighty power to surprise me. F was of the opinion that my change in attitude and picking up of my life had taken me closer to his outlook on life. I guess I have to agree with him there.

He continued by explaining how when we visited the tate, he really meant it when he said the view from the window was the real art. That nature is the most beautiful thing and the best and how he was glad that I had started us going out for more walks and how much he was enjoying that and how it had made him feel happier.

It seems that my beloved was able to just see that we were the same, but sometimes we happen to use different words for things. That I have turned my belief and feelings into a faith I try and use to better myself while he has no need of faith, he just is. It seems that within the heart of my non-spiritual fiance, there actually beats a spiritual nature loving heart. For all my academic ability, I think he is the clever one.

A Place to BE

Last night I failed to write on my blog. I have a good excuse. I was out drinking the night away. I was eating good food in good company and having a laugh. Quite a lot of laughs actually. But I shall get back to that later...

Yesterday work continued in the same vein as normal. My mind floating off to far distant, beautiful places as I worked, at least when I wasn't busy singing along to some song on the radio. I realised i was actually pretty happy and this job I was doing didn't interfere with that. In fact the people I work with actually add to that. Except of course for Neanderthal...

Technically Neanderthal is the same rank as me but I know the job inside out and he doesn't but he needs to know it. I have been having issues with giving him instructions. I like to be polite and make things a request, rather than barking out an order. These requests have been generally met with no's that have left me gulping for words like a goldfish gulping for air out of water.

Yesterday I endeavoured to give a direct instruction.

'I would like you to take these here and give them to people and then go here and get this, please.'

'Why? Don't you want to do it today?'

'It's not that I just need to make sure you can do all these things. You won't need to do it again unless I am ill or on holiday.'

'But it's easy, anyone can do it'

'I know it is, but...'

'Are you one of those agoraphobics or something?'

I laughed. Of course I am but in a minor personal way that develops when i am alone in the house for weeks on end. I am not agoraphobic in work and never have been. It is a minor difficulty, not one people would ever notice. I know this all the way through my being, at work I am not agoraphobic.

I am however a fat and unfit office person working in a warehouse. They knew this when I was asked to go back. They wanted me back because of my speed on the computer and accuracy. Getting me to do warehouse duties is like trying to turn a carthorse into a racehorse (or vice versa). This is not saying I don't do things in the warehouse. I do. However if I attempted to do more than a few strenuous (to me) activities each day, I would be miserable and hurt.

Everyone knows this and understands this and is fine with it. I will get up unasked when no one is around and answer the door and take deliveries. I will monitor my absent colleagues emails and print things off for them. If they are busy I will even start on some of those things by myself as far as I am able. This is appreciated.

My desire to make sure that Neanderthal knows the warehouse duties and goes out into the warehouse stems from the fact that I am supposed to be on the computer all the time (pretty much) while he is supposed to do both jobs. As such he has to understand that as the one responsible for one of his duties, I shall be giving him instructions because I am the only one with any idea what is going on and where I am up to.

I don't think this makes me an agoraphobic. I fact I was more than a little put out that his response to me giving him an instruction was this. I was so gobsmakcked I had to tell some of my colleagues.

Later that evening we were discussing Neanderthal and it turned out I wasn't the only person who had reservations about him on day one. I like the fact that everyone has given him a chance despite gut feelings. I like the fact that everyone has been unfailingly polite and professional. I like the fact that our close knit team has taken a week to admit that he isn't going to fit quite so well. This is not to say anything much will change anytime soon, he can do the job, but he won't stay long term I expect.

As to me. Yesterday made me realise that I do belong and I like it. I am part of their team, I am one of them now. They understand I should be off somewhere else earning obscene amounts of money and using my expensive qualifications. But for now, I am part of their team and we all like each other and work well together. I may be fat and unfit, an unusual thing in my current working environment but I bring something to the team and save them from doing my boring job.

F thoroughly enjoyed meeting them all and could really see why I am strangely happy where I am, despite my lack of expectations of that... I would be foolish to leave right now.... There is talk of a temporary contract... I would probably accept a little one, a big one might be a little too scary...

This all made me think back to one of my wishes... and here it is...

3) To find a job where I can be.
I need a job as soon as possible following Christmas. I have a habit of doing temporary admin work but would be happy to move on from this. I don't care what it is that I do as long as it is in a place that doesn't make me miserable or stop me from growing...

I think recognising when you have received what you asked for is a real pleasure. It is why I firmly believe that asking for something very prescriptive in magic (or prayer) is daft. By putting your true desires out there you allow life to bring you what you need, in whatever form. When I wrote my true partner seeking spell all those years ago, did I say I wanted F by describing all his details? No. I would have gotten it wrong cos I didn't know him yet. I stated how I wanted to feel and what type of relationship I wanted. Life did the rest and bought me a person I could never have described or predicted...

Snow Day Spring

I have a mobile. I don't like it and I never wanted one. All the same I have one. I delight it letting the battery go dead and leaving it at home. This time it lasted a month. Alas it found itself on charge last night in order to awaken me as F was starting work earlier than I wished to wake up.

So imagine my disgust when it started humming away at 6.30, a full 30 minutes before I had even contemplated opening my eyes. I didn't recognise the number and ignored it. Ten minutes later. Again. But I must have lost signal as it stopped before I could pick it up. I listened to my messages and discovered that someone had rung me the previous week about a photography job at a London school. And they rang again while I listened to my messages, and left another message.

I knew that the whole of United Kingdom was waiting for snow and she was rather worried about whether to try and get into London or not. Apparently London had been hard hit and she wasn't sure the school would be open. Feeling a little ungracious, I texted her, sorry you have the wrong number.

By this time I was somewhat awake however and the chances of me getting back to sleep were slim. I had decided back at New Year to plant my resolution / wishes on Imbolc. I had since decided that what I wanted to do was cast them into the wind from the top of a particularly big hill that lurks ont he landscape hereabouts. It seemed to me a good idea to head up there and do this before work.

Somehow all my extra time vanished without me even trying. I found myself at work ten minutes early with wishes unscattered. As the day went on the reports of snow headed towards our little south western corner. Just after lunch we had our first shower. It went on it''s way and the sun shone from a blue sky. Then another followed by more blue sky. Then another even heavier and the snow was starting to stick. The company decided to send us all home.

Now this may seem an odd decision to those of you who live in colder parts of the world. That we should be sent hom for mere snow showers. But ability to drive in the snow decreases as you go south in the UK and panic at the sight of snow increases as you go south. By the time you get as far down as we are here, the merest sniff of snow and the roads jam up and people are distraught(maybe a slight exageration, but not much).

A few years back I was working in Truro when the famous Cornish Blizzard hit. We were sent home. I left work and started up the dual carriageway up a steep hill. And then everything stopped. For four hours I watched my office sitting serenely in the snow at the bottom of the hill, container of toilets, warmth and tea. I watched cars at the top slip gently back as they lost their grip. Nobody came down the other side except for a coach, with his driver doing little mini controled skids all the way.

I called F and told him I might not get home, which he laughed at and repeated to the whole office. They all laughed to. "Why?" he askes. Later the snow hit them and then they stopped laughing. Eventually a tractor drove down the central reservation. A short while later it went back up again with a teenage girl wearing a school uniform sat in the back. The tractor then stopped at the top and began pulling cars and vans up. Finally we began to move. It took me a very long time to get home.

So back to today. I know the snow has been very, very heavy elsewhere. i knew the blue sky as I left the office was not likely to last. I knew that although most of the snow on the roads was gone already, that it would soon be replaced. So what do I decide to do?

I decided to drive on the little tiny country roads to reach the far side of the big hill. I decided to drive up the little tiny track to the top of said big hill. As I neared the top, it started to snow again. From the top I could see the snow showers like fluffy marshmallows on the land below rolling in from the sea. Behind it was blue sky. Well at least it was for another minute or two. And then I could no longer see the marshmallow for I was stood in it. On top of a very large hill. Clutching 5 little wish seeds. there were seven but my household guardian, tiring of the mess threw them at me when I wasn't looking and ran off with two of them.

I threw them into the wind and mutteres some impromptu words. And ran off. Quickly. All the time wishing I could stay here and continue to admire this beautiful white land. The track down was already white and I crawled down to the road below. Back home took me down the sides of the hill a different way and it was an interesting drive.

I reached home as F was getting out of his car and once in the house, I told him where I had been. He gave me a long look and shook his head in despair. To be honest I am not really the most courageous of people at times. The only thing that could make me go there on day like today was a promise. Shame that life had tried to get me to go there before work to watch the sun rise, in complete safety. I also have a tendency to do things the difficult way... But at least I did it...

Oh one other little thing... There is a piece of folklore I came across. Cailleach, a Scottish and Irish Goddess who is the Mother of Winter, rules from the Samhain to Beltain while Brigid rules from Beltane to Samhain. On Imbolc, Cailleach likes to go and collect firewood for her fire so she may stay warm for the rest of the nasty hard winter she brings. Because she likes to be warm and snug, she likes to make Imbolc a fair day. Some years however, she forgets, and sleeps in. If the weather is bad on Imbolc she has overslept and forgotten to get more fire wood, as a consequence, the grip of winter will be lessen soon as she won't have enough to last... So winter should REALLY be over soon then....

The Eve of Spring

It doesn't feel much like spring is about to start here right now. Snow is forecast for the UK and is even expected to reach my warm and wet county.

We joined friends last night to eat curry and laugh. I should have felt awful this morning after drinking red wine but when I finally got up I felt fine. I had been at my laptop long enough to eat breakfast but not long enough to have done everything I wanted to when the phone went. It was F from work. We chatted and I said that as it bright and not raining I would go to the Imbolc gathering I had heard about.

He asked me about it and I read him the email. To my horror I realised that in fact it was at 2pm and not 6pm. Cue much frantic running around...

Take some food and drink: made dash to make flapjacks as these are one of the few things I can bake...

Wear green, white and yellow: eek! tan trousers and scarf will have to do, yellow underwear and a white top under my coat... I alos made a little plaited yellow bracelet from some scoobies.

Take a plant pot filled 2/3 with compost: Metal pot, find plastic innard right size. Struggle to get past the mud outside my back door to the bag of compost that has sat there the last year. Find worm, take pity on said worm and put it out the window.

Sancreed, where on earth is that? Look at map but fail to take one with me. Miss the turning. Go back to turning. Drive for a while till I get to another junction. No sign. Turn around and go back. Definitely no Sancreed. Come back again, go up a dead end road just in case it is hiding up there. Meet car coming other way, luckily he is more than happy to do the reversing to the last passing place. Ask him way to sancreed. Back to junction with no signpost and turn left. Sancreed appears as if by magic around the next bend. Am I late? Where is the hall? Lots of cars.... Guess it is here... Others still arriving...

So there I am standing around like a noonah... A couple of people smile but I feel very alone all of a sudden and still twiddly from finding it. The hall by chance has boughs of greenery up and candle and heart decorations. The altar is covered in white cloth and white flowers amidst ivy. I spy a little Brideog doll and smile. The artistry is inspiring...

It all starts with invocations and the Wiccan feel isn't too strong which is good... I slowly relax but it isn't until the middle portion of the ritual when we leave the hall and walk to the nearby holy well that I really relax.

The path is muddy and as we go uphill, I am worried that I will slow others down on the narrow path. We reach the well and the lady playing the path of Bride annoints our foreheads with well water using a snowdrop. We tie our ribbons to the branches and walk under the arch they make. Rather than leave ribbons on living trees that may damage them, the branches are carried by people and taken back to the hall.

As we walk back I pause at the top of the hill to let someone by and turn. I realise that the view behind me is fantastic. I can see the sea in the distance. As i near the hall a flash of red catches my eye and in a bush there is a Robin. I stop and watch it. Others pass me by until one lady stops to look at the new buds on the tree and the Robin leaves.

On our return we plant sunflower seeds with wishes and drink elderflower wine and eat white chocolate. There is enough for four times the number. It seems many pagans have been put off by the wind and cold. I can't imagine how full it would feel with more...

For me I always find my best connection comes outdoors, without to much ceremony. I love my ribbon and pot with sunflowers and I liked meeting with others very much. I am not sure I would have enjoyed it as much without the walk.

Will I go again? Yes, because I think ritual is something I need to understand better and meeting other like minded souls is always good. I do think in my heart of hearts, I truly belong on a solitary path though....

Giving the Goddess Form

I know Little Dog still has her story to be told but today is not a dog day... Today has been a Goddess crafting sort of a day.

It began with a pack of epoxy putty stuff. You get two sticks and you mix them together until both colours are firmly mixed. It is sticky and odd stuff which I thought would be a little more like clay. It is harder to join two pieces together neatly although you can sand it and file it and cut it once it is harder. It took a long time to mix and then when I had I found it hard to model myself a little Goddess statue.

I wanted a fairly neolithic looking Mother Earth Goddess so I guess I am not far off then. She is a little blobby statue with the suggestion of a figure and arms. She has a very crude mouth but no eyes. I feel that all Gods and Goddesses are aspects of broader unknowable energies. These could be called Mother earth or Father Sky or any number of names. Because of this the Goddess I venerate mostly highly is this fundamental one who can have all faces and none. I have not felt drawn to a particular aspect as yet.

In the end I was quite pleased with her and I set her on my hearthstone to set next to my large white vanilla scented candle. To be honest I really like her there and she will probably stay. So one of my shrines / altars is growing. I have three, or rather I will have three. One in my kitchen with my hearthstone, large candle and little terracota Goddess. A second in the lounge around my electric fire with sits in a more traditional fireplace with slate hearthstone. This one has a bowl which currently contains nuts, pine cones and clove stuffed oranges. The oranges will be removed soon. It also had some daffodils but they have gone now to. The third was the one I intended to create first.

On the landing I have a small table that is unusually tall. I have painted my silk scarf to sit on it. I shall leave it out on Imbolc Eve to be blessed by the Goddess Bride. Above this table I have hung a mask I made at a class using papier mache. It is a feminine sort of a mask in blue. I have also hung my llewelyns calendar alongside. I have some cards I intend to stick up around the shrine to. I want to buy a new deck and hope to get the druid plant oracle. They will sit on this table so each morning I can draw a card for guidance. I currently do this with my tarot but I do not feel this best suits my current deck.

The second Goddess figure I have been working on will be made from papier mache. In papier mache you cobble together a base which has the rough shape you desire and then add the strips of paper over the top. I have finished the frame consisting of wire, card, toilet roll tubes and masking tape but I couldn't find any liquid glue. She stands tall and elegant waiting her paper covering. She shall then be decorated with threads and paper tissue and glitter. But again she has no features on her face but she may well get some hair.

The third figure I worked on today is this one.

This is my Brideog. A Brideog is a traditional small Bride doll made for Imbolc to be looked after. i made her with some peacock blue green raffia I had. I then twisted some silver edged white ribbon I had around her torso. I had some fluffy white thread that I used to wrap round her ankles, waist and arms. Upon her waist I secured two of the white shells I had found that had holes near the top. I had also found a shell with a larger hole which she wears around her neck. These shells came from Holywell Bay.

It is traditional to put the Brideog in a bed. I found a white dish into which I placed some nice comfy and warm blue fleece. I wrapped a smaller piece of this with a scrap of blue green rough silk to make a pillow. Having laid her in her bed I covered her up with a nice piece of white satin and tucked it in. She is all ready to put out tomorrow night now. I haven't quite decided which shrine to place her at. The kitchen shrine with it's link to fire and warmth? The lounge shrine by the true fireplace of the house? Or the as yet unstarted shrine on the landing?

I have many other plans and ideas for my shrines but I suspect it may be some time, if ever, before I consider them finished!

Doorway to Heaven (Word Wednesday: Door)

I have just finished reading Juniper's recent posts and I felt I had to write a little about this subject.

I have been a dabbling witch for many years but never really committed. I suspect the events of my teenage years with that beautiful sunrise and the feelings that it bought and the sheer radiant beauty. The inspiration to write a fully formed creation myth featuring Father Sky and Mother Earth when I had never been exposed to such before. The development in my belief in Nature rather than the other religions around me when again I had no idea people did indeed worship nature. I suspect this may have been may have been an intiation or a calling of sorts.

However, although the door can be opened for us, we still have to walk through. My fear etc have stopped me from trying to walk through. I feel now, that I am polishing the door and peeking through small blurry glass windows as they appear, trying different keys and things and learning to love my door. Occasionally I get a little peek through but the door is still closed. The door may never open to me in this life. It doesn't matter. It is my door and I love it and I will care for it and it will open in it's own sweet time, if I am ready and the time is right.

Many years ago I visited my folks and my Mum was going to attend a textile craft day where they have workshops and a talk. My Mum is a quilter and I am not, so not surprisingly we chose different classes. I went to learn how to make braids. I was well and truly the youngest on my table. The others were Mothers and Grandmothers and they fell in two loose groups with me sat between. The first group were artistically and fashionably attired well-to-do ladies and they sat there for the session and talked about church a lot. It took me a while but I eventually realised that the well-to-do ladies were uncomfortable and they were talking about church as a reaction to this, whether they realised this or not.

The second group were very different. They were how I imagine the Goddess to be in the crone phase. The power rolled off them. They weren't smartly dressed, they didn't push themselves forward but they were magnificently comfortable in their own skins and with the world around them. Magic glinted in their eyes and the set of their mouths indicated knowledge unspoken and amusement. They knew the other ladies were uncomfortable and they definitely knew why and they were amused by this and every so often they would poke at it and ladies would talk about the church things they did even more.

Neither group was offended or scared by me so I got to quietly make my braid and watch and listen. Towards the end though my eyes met one of the crones fully and I knew she saw something and had to look back to check and we held each others gaze for a long moment. I felt that she could see that I had found my door and was intrigued. I felt she said nothing as she could also see I had not walked through my door or even really tried to. But we both kind of knew.

I think Juniper may be similar to these powerful women (although I suspect in an earlier phase of life) but not having met her in the flesh I don't know. I can understand that that sort of power in a person would piss a lot of people off and draw others. Not that it is always the power to do things, just that that person has that connection and the magic is at home around them and lives around them and things happen...

It seems to me that all religions that are organised in any sense are trying to reach or create this level of power. I think churches work on some level in that everyone focuses their own individual power onto the priest in order to boost the priests connection to the divine. I believe ritual can act in this way to. I believe that although people may know the door is there, it doesn't mean they are capable of opening it or that it is unlocked for them from the other side. I can imagine to people seeking their own connection, who may be struggling or have to work hard and believe it is hard to get there, someone with a wild power may be a little like a red rag to a bull.

I have no idea if my own path will take me through my door. I have no idea if I will gain that same reek of power someday. I am not sure it matters. Just so long as I keep walking... I will enjoy the lakes and bogs and mountains on my way. Little peeks through the doorway in the hedge are just fine for me, for now. And when my path meets the path of others for a while I enjoy the company.

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P.S I wrote this on Sunday and saved it for today as it seemed to fit. This now makes me nervous as I have posted a link to my blog on Juniper's site and somehow my little blog doesn't feel quite so private now. I hope that if you read this Juniper, you are flattered rather than offended. I have also promised myself that I will continue to write what I wish and not worry too much about others (chances are I shall fail in this *sigh*)

Small Blessings

The little things in life are often the most effective...

Today one of my colleagues had the really bright idea of moving the radio. This had several unexpected benefits. The grumpy people who turn our radio down are less likely to be disturbed. We can hear the radio much better, in particular I can hear the radio much, much better. While doing a very, very dull job having a radio to listen to makes such a difference.... Believe me I know!

On the way to work today there was loads of traffic and it was going to make me late. I made up a simple rhyme in my head and visualized the road being clear with no parked cars or cars turning right in front of me. And you know what? Although I had to slow down, I didn't have to stop at all. At all of the roundabouts, at all of the junctions, I just kept going. This made the difference between less than a minute late and a whole lot of late...

As I left work I looked across. We are on a bit of a hill and from work you can see the sea in places. There is also a very large hill with granite stacks on top. It was silhouetted against the sky. The sun had set already but there was still some light. The clouds were highlighted in pink against a lilac sky with the dark smudge of the hill across it.

In the UK we have something called an MOT. It is a series of safety checks that cars have to have each year in order to be driven. My car had it's MOT yesterday but we didn't get to talk to the garage till today. Despite being old and requiring some welding last year, it needed minimal things doing to it. A light bulb, some screen wash and a new number plate... Maybe this is the universe's way of trying to help my finances?

All little things that if I haven't forgotten by tomorrow, I will certainly have forgotten them by next week. All of these things could have been caused by intervention but can also be explained away in all sorts of ways. I guess what I am saying is, how many times a day are our lives touched in tiny ways we don't even notice? How can you give thanks for the blessings you are unaware of?

Last night as I let the dog out for the last time I felt drawn to my bay tree that lives by the door. I plucked a few leaves and then took them in and placed them on my hearthstone. My tree is so overgrown and huge that if it grows much more, we won't be able to get out of the door. Mint used to grow underneath it but it has grown so much, all the mint died. What I have learnt recently is that fresh bay leaves have a lovely smell if you damage the leaves or rip them up.

This tree forms a large part of things for me recently. Last full moon I plucked leaves and cast them into the wind with a wish for each. For Christmas I decorated my hearth with bay branches and Jasmine. The leaves helped purify my sppon and flavour my cooking.

I have a tiny, tiny garden which is mostly full of mud right now but this one bay tree gives me so much and so many possibilities. A few leaves.... A little inspiration.... Small blessings....