Sleeping Beauty

last night I had the perfect nights sleep.

The two nights previous I had been without F and I was cold in the night and didn't sleep so well. Little Dog did her best to keep me warm but well, there just isn't enough of her....

Last night I learnt and i got out my pink velour M & S pajamas. Bliss. I went to bed before F, which is fine. I get to sleep quicker without him. If he is there, I have to wait for him to be asleep and making his sleeping breathing sounds before I can sleep. Of course we don't always resist the temptation to chat either and right now maximising sleep is the name of the game.

So the night was warm and snug. And when i woke I had F to snuggle up to before we had to venture out of bed to the world of work....

Before Big Dog died, we only had the dogs up for cuddles, not to sleep but that all changed when Big Dog went to the big garden in the sky, the one that contains sofas and lots of warm snug places to sleep. At first Little Dog came up for that last snuggly quarter of an hour before we got up. Then sometimes, at the weekend we wouldn't get up at that time and she would come up anyway.

Over time she just got up onto the bed earlier and earlier until we could no longer pretend she wasn't sleeping with us. What put the nail in the coffin though was that she just couldn't understand the difference between the nights when F was working and those he wasn't.

At first it was awkward in some ways. You would wake up part way through the night and find dog where you needed to move your legs to, because you had cramp and just had to move. She has learnt though, exactly where to sleep in order not to get kicked or moved and all is rosy in and on our bed.

So tonight, I have to put up with the lack of F, but Little Dog will appear at some point after I have gone to sleep, probably as soon as I have gone to sleep. And i shall be snug and warm in pink velour. But last night was the perfect nights sleep.

To Do or Not To Do

I wanted to make stars but I got distracted and instead painted a scarf for my Great Aunt.

It has been a grey and rainy day out but I have been content in the house, pottering.

I slept strangely last night. I went to bed while F stayed up. I woke when he came to bed but went to sleep again. Later I awoke suddenly, as Little Dog came up, and drank lots. I was so hot! I was hot for ages. F was hot to but he stayed asleep. Eventually I took the duvet off and replaced it with our much thinner quilt. Of course later in the night, when it was cooler, I was cold. But I just pulled the duvet back over... And I slept.

Unfortunately F had to get up and go to work. Each time his alarm went off I would fall straight back asleep. He woke me up three times in ten minutes and then I got a bit grumpy.

So today has been a relaxed sort of a day. I got up late. I am beginning to realise that each bit of creativity takes time. Plenty of time. The scarf I did today was pretty simple but all the preparation of pattern and the drying took time. I still want stars but it is too late for today. I might do some jewellery in front of the TV but that will be it.

It is all very well having a list of things to do but if you work chances are you won't have time to get very far with the list. But does it matter? Not really....

Pain and Pleasure

I had a goal that this week I would book a massage and play a board game with F. I have failed to do both. F doesn't want to play any board games and right now I don't feel like making him. You see, on the way home (he had picked me up because he wanted my car for the day) he surprised me by informing me I had a massage that evening - and he paid for it!

Thing is, it has been a while and it has knocked me for six. Very tired now. I didn't feel hungry tonight either. She told me off for leaving it too long and to be fair, she is more than right.... So I have no need to book one!

I have had Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk arrive today and I have Widdershins by Charles de Lint and Martha Beck's Joy Diet on the way. I like books and thanks to everyones lovely suggestions, it just keeps growing and growing....

I am very intrigued by the whole Tara thing, it feels significant and I intend to explore this all much more - but not tonight... My bed calls!

Healing Sleep

Nothing to say tonight and yes there is something wrong. I am currently using my hayfever meds, I think, to mask a cold. I am pretty sure it is just a cold and not the dreaded swine flu because someone I have a fair bit of contact with has a cold too. I decided it was a cold when my hayfever meds didn't entirely work even though there is hardly any pollen because of the rain and also because my sinuses feel very blocked and my head hurts. I felt rough as rats all day and came home and had a nice hot bath and now I am going to bed - early. Really I am! XXX

(and I really am not particularly ill, I just need a good nights sleep)

XXX

Wiped Out

I am beginning to understand just how tired I have allowed myself to get. Maybe I don't slow down enough. Maybe eating breakfast while on my laptop catching up on blogs is to much. Maybe watching TV while blogging is too much. Maybe trying to squeeze every ounce of activity from a day is too much. Maybe trying to squeeze all these creative projects in is too much.

I don't need more sleep. I think I need some serious just doing nothing time. Literally doing nothing. Maybe one whole day of meditation will be enough so I can get back to doing things. I never really switch my head off. It is not something I find too easy to do.

I enjoy thinking about stuff. I want to do more with my life. How do you do more when there isn't more time? I guess I need to prioritise. I guess serious down time needs to be further up the list of priorities as a regular and important part of my life... So glad I don't have to go to work tomorrow....

Balance

It is another day when I have no fixed idea of what to say. Yesterday was a sofa day and today didn't find me feeling much more lively. I was on a slightly different planet all day. When I got out of the car back home, I saw stars, they were brighter than I have ever seen them before. I am not sure what brings this on exactly but apparently it isn't uncommon....

I don't have any specific symptoms I just feel lethargic. Maybe this is what my cards have been warning me about. Todays card was balance and it isn't the first time I have drawn it. The card a friend drew for me suggested taking time to smell the dirt and connect with mother nature.

Thing is, I am not sure how anyone can work full time hours and have a balanced life. Maybe it is because I need a lot of sleep. At the moment I aim for 9 hours a night with a bit of catch up at the weekend. Maybe those who have a balanced life sleep less, maybe they work less.

In previous generations the men worked and the women stayed at home. Neither had a balanced life but I guess between them it worked. Nowadays with both people in a partnership working, often full time, how is the average person supposed to do everything?

Thing I don't understand is why we work full time. We work and pay taxes so other poor unfortunates who can't find full time work don't starve. Being on the dole is no fun, I was for a while in my very early twenties. If you have the time, you don't have the money, and of course if you have the money, you don't have the time.

Why not spread it around a little? Why not have everyone work part time? Then people would have time to clean and tidy, to exercise, to meditate, to volunteer, to make things, to cook from scratch, to grow things, to have a family, to see friends and family, to learn.... My life isn't balanced by definition and right now, I can't quite understand how anybody really gets to have a balanced life... At least not anyone like me.

Each week I spend...

63 hours asleep
40 hours at work including breaks
That leaves 65 hours a week for everything else.... except it doesn't....

I know women elsewhere in the world and in time have it so much harder, they have to keep on whether they feel like it or not. And thats not fair either because in many cultures the women work hard all the time while the men do an awful lot less....

Balance... I think in order for my life to balance, I have to not so much alter what I put in each side but adjust my setting so that one side is heavier than the other but they still balance. I need to change my attitude or my situation. Because I can't keep sleeping badly and having the sorts of dreams where my place of work has been transformed into a war setting and I can not escape...

Shine a Light

I started gathering candles earlier, in preparation. 21. Without even trying and only lighting nightlights that I had holders for. 21. Mostly covered in dust. Why are they so dusty? Why don't I use them? I like candlelight. The number of candles I have going, I could read by them pretty well to.

I turned off my electric fire, my lap top and the TV. F slunk off upstairs and played on his computer with the lights off. I read, all the time wishing I had already written this post so I could go to bed.

Tiredness has stalked me all day. I think it is the relief of having finally been able to stop that has done it. My head hurts and my bed calls me.... I need to go blow some candles out.

Tomorrow I shall hunt for Earth Hour things and see what I can find.

No I in Team

Ugh! This weekend seems to have consisted of work and sleep.... My bosses insistence that our overtime focus on earliness rather than lateness has played havoc with my sleeping pattern. Even though we finished in the early afternoon both days, the early starts on these and the two previous days meant I sought my bed as soon as I got in for a catch up nap.

Today I didn't work early but i did work late and tomorrow there is likely to be the offer of more additional hours. This week is generally going to be miserable. Following stock take we only have so long before the end of the months's joyousness and everything has to be reconciled and done for then. I have to befully caught up on my job by sometime Friday.

But what then? Then I have a couple of blissful stress free days at work before it is back into playing catch up. I am going to take the Monday off and allow myself an extra day to breath over the weekend following all this extra work.

Without all this extra work, things have been stressful. My colleagues have been having different difficulties and events in their lives, at work and at home. We have also had to spend a lot of time together when we have been feeling tired. I know I am sick of the sight of some of my colleagues right now. I like them very much, but I would like to not see them for a couple of days!

I have missed out on things because of this extra work. There was a pagan get together for Ostara. There is a fantastic garden on an estate in Cornwall called Tregothnan which opened it's doors to the public for charity for two days this last weekend - the only days this year. And f course the Soul Journal Mandala ATC swap - ooh wait... i couldn't take the feeling that I was missing out, so I snuck in at the last minute to take part... *grin*

The extra money will be welcome but after the tax man has taken his chunk, it won't be as great as all that. So why do all these hours then? Because I am part of a team that has a job to do. We work together to get things done. Even so, I would take no job that demanded this much on more than the odd occasion here and there. I definately want to work to live, not live to work. That is of course, unless I find my true vocation.....

Anyway off to bed, might be another long day tomorrow, but I hope not...

Stigma of the Grump

Tonight I am grumpy. I am tired and in the midst of my moontime and I am sat in a lone with no chocolate and I am hungry. F cooked a lovely meal but forgot to cook any rice or other carbs to go with it. He had some crackers but gave himself most of them (he would dispute this). He then went out to play footie and afterwards he is off to the pub cos it is their last night of playing (nothing to do with St Paddy's Day, honest).

Of course, rationally I know that I have no real reason to be grumpy with F, but I am. I bought him a bar of chocolate this morning before work and bought it back to the house for him (OK so I also knew I had to come back and pick up my swipe card, but hey). Why do men have to be so good at accepting these little gestures but so bad at making them? If I want something, I tell him and generally I get it, problem is I want a little romantic gesture that I don't have to tell him to make.

But then again this is just me grumping, again, still.

I guess the real reason I am grumpy is because I don't want to be tired. I am fed up of being tired. I seem to have been tired forever. For half my life. I don't know how to stop being tired, at least not altogether. I know I have made progress but on a night like tonight when I am facing a real busy few days and I won't get to do anything I want for ages, I don't want to be tired and not get to do anything fun.

I had glandular fever (mono?) when I was fourteen and took a couple of years to recover. Then I got it again at 19. I tried to keep going this time and failed and all I did was make myself worse. It took me 4 years to get back to studying but I did. I used to go to college and come home and have a nap. I used to nap at the weekend. Slowly, over time the naps have become less and less. But I still sleep a lot.

My body seems to be telling me it needs a little less right now as I keep waking an hour earlier than I needed. Somehow my head isn't keeping up.

I feel as if I have slept half my life away and to be fair, I pretty much have.

Is it wrong to sometimes feel a little grumpy about such things? Is it wrong to get grumpy when my body starts to flake out at the end of the day? Luckily I have a man who understands it isn't personal. Of course, he had to learn the hard way that when I say I want to go to bed, I mean I have to go to bed right now this second and any minute you mess about and delay my sleeping is going to increase my grump factor exponentially. There is a simple solution to this, don't delay my going to bed and creep in a little later when I am out for the count.

I want to go to my craft things and make something but I have a headache and they are all upstairs. Maybe I will, maybe I will go the other way at the top of the stairs and head to bed instead.

Feeling the Fear

Mel recently stretched her oracle muscles to give me a reading across the Atlantic and one particularly poignant moment was the drawing of the fear card under advice. The meaning of this is:

'Ask yourself is your fear valid? Have you seen actual evidence of 'trouble' or is it a fear of unknown things and possibilities? You are advised not to struggle with the fear but to look deep into it...perhaps write an inventory of the things that you fear and possible solutions. Send love and acceptance to the fear and watch it dissipate. This is an auspicious omen of transformation.'

This might seem an odd card for those of you who read this blog. It is hard for me to understand how I come across to others but I suspect my underlying agoraphobia wouldn't be apparent. I get on with people just fine, I can go out and do all the things I need to do. And truth to tell my agoraphobia isn't very severe. In my early twenties I had a period when it was somewhat debilitating. Going out by myself and doing things I don't have to do is tricky sometimes. I have to make myself do things. I have to keep up a momentum because the more time I spend a lone, the more difficult it is to not be alone.

This is not something from my childhood, it is a result of a pretty destructive relationship I found myself in. It is a result of a lack of trust in the goodness of strangers I haven't met. It is the result of a lack of belief in myself. If I believed in myself then I would believe in my ability to cope with any situation I might find myself in. If I believed in myself, I would probably not find myself int he sort of job I am in now. I don't have many ruthless or assertive bones in my body, if any.

So no, my fear is not valid, it is not of any actual thing that might happen. So rather than fighting it, I need to love it and accept it and let it be apparently. How exactly do you do that? Suggestions please...

I have a history of having bizarre dreams. When I tell F about some bits I remember, he often finds them pretty amusing. I haven't had a dream I remember in a little while and I rarely have nightmares. So for me to have several unpleasant dreams over the last few days is unusual. One of those I remember from last night has been playing in my mind a little.

I was in Russia (no idea) and I was staying with a friend (nameless, faceless). I needed to travel to their house by myself but I had two very large dogs with me. They are not the dogs I currently own but I obviously considered them family as well as protection. I needed those dogs for that journey. On the way however I got stopped by an officious high level officer. he wanted my dogs and I knew that the consequences of not giving him the dogs might be severe. I didn't want to lose them as they were family but also because I did not feel able to complete the journey without them.

Sometimes in my dreams, once they really catch my interest I become more aware within them and can alter them. I sometimes replay different endings and try and find one I like from the point where I become aware. I am not sure if the following ending to the dream was created by me in a more aware state or not.

I rang the friend and he suggested giving the officer a puppy from the two dogs. I have no idea if the officer accepted. I woke up. It seemed like a compromise but I was left with the suspicion that it wasn't enough...

Sitting at my desk with my mind freewheeling as I entered data... It occurred to me that maybe those dogs were symbols of my fear. That my fear is beloved and protective. I had an overwhelmingly negative reaction to losing my dogs. I think it would be wrong to let go of fear. Fear is a necessary reaction that keeps us safe. It is an instinctual thing. But should it be a couple of gigantic guard dogs?

.... But Not as we Know It.

Today's post was going to be all about the little things we need to appreciate etc etc. I was going to talk about the sky being red as I left work yesterday silhouetting the hill with all it's granite stacks. There is an incredible view from where I work. I was going to talk about the overcast sky where the only break in the cloud was a slit above the horizon which the sun shone through this morning.

However, I am going to talk about sleeping, specifically sleeping last night. It was odd. Very, very odd.

I was happily asleep dreaming about buying a copper cauldron or some other such thing when suddenly I felt awake. I can not remember or describe exactly how I felt. It was like a spiky energy was in my head. The effect this energy had on my body was extreme. My stomach was doing double flips and I thought I would be sick. I wanted to call F but was unsure what he could do and it just didn't seem right. I tried visualizing the elements in order to cast a very basic circle around myself. Although I managed this with a struggle it had no effect on the experience I was having at all. This made me wonder if the thing ausing the experience wasn't inherently bad or something I needed protecting from.

I began to feel like it was energy I was full of. Not my energy and not an energy that was natural to my body. I had to let it out. I, with a struggle, began to visualize a grounding cord and this seemed to allow the excess to drain away and all of a sudden it was gone.

My initial thoughts were that it was either an entity, but I have no idea what, or some energy sent by someone or something. I don't think it was malicious but the effect on me was difficult and obviously I was vulnerable while sleeping. Obviously when I thought about it today, when properly awake, it occurred to me that it might actually have all been a dream. What on earth would my subconscious be trying to tell me with that? The last thing that occurred to me is that there is epilepsy in my family although I have never suffered, maybe I was actually experiencing some disturbed electrical activity in my brain...

I am not sure I will ever know what it was and I am not sure I want to either. I am not even sure which explanation I would most like to believe *laugh*. If anybody has any suggestions, no matter how bizarre, please feel free to post comments to your heart's content... At the moment, I am not overly concerned, the chances of repeating a dream or having multiple epileptic attacks suddenly develop in adult life is very low. Otherwise it did not feel malicious in nature, just not belonging to me... If it ever happens again, grounding will be the first thing I do...