An Ugly Word

The way things have been up and down at work began to make sense this week. My Boss's strange moods suddenly make more sense.

Things have gone bad. Very bad... and they are going to get ugly...

My company is ditching part of it's business that has been making a loss and this involves redundancies. It involves a lot of them. 40% of my team will go. We are one of three areas to be hit but other individuals have also been targetted and some have already gone. So now we get scored, given the opportunity for voluntary redundancy etc, etc.

Thing is, once you announce such things to customers, things tend to pick up speed. Those who may have been shown the door after Christmas, may now be shown the door before, who knows?

It is a nasty process. Friends go, teams get broken up and you face either job loss or a role that will likely prove hellish for a time.

I suspect I may not post here for a bit. I don't want to think or dwell right now. I want distraction and avoidance. I have more than enough time to be miserable at work and much of what I would have to say would not be appropriate on an anonymous blog....

I love you all dearly and will be back, so never fear. And I am alright, I think I am one of the lucky ones, whatever happens to me.

Anger

The other day, the lovely Leone mentioned a few things that correspond with ear problems. The one that resonates with me is anger as I know I have long had an issue with it.

When i was seven i changed schools. I hadn't been happy in the previous one but I was even less happy in the new one. I started to have problems with my temper. Something would happen and I would see red and completely lose all control. My arms would windmill and I would hit anything in my path. Immediately afterwards I would be devastated and cry a lot.

This went for I don't know how long. Some of my classmates were amused by my temper and would deliberately try and make me lose it. I hated it. Eventually I got it under control. So completely that I just stopped getting angry. In fact I took it further than this.

I was desperately unhappy and decided that hard decisions were best made using logic rather than emotion. That life should be lived by doing whatever caused the least hurt. An ethical and moral thing I guess but one that tried to let me distance my feelings from my life. A little odd I guess for the average teenager.

I am not sure I was overly successful at this. Hard to say really. Certainly it didn't last as I was firmly emotional by the time I was doing my A-levels. Some of this philosophy has remained with me I guess and by thinking about these things, it helped me realise that giving people what they want is not always what is best for them, balance is the key.

Later on I began to realise that anger was strangely absent in me. I began looking at myself quite seriously because of other things that happened. I had counselling. At the end of one session, I was soooo angry, for no apparent reason. I went home and my man assisted. We took broken things outside for me to trash. Much fun. It wasn't enough though. So we had a a shouting and insulting row. It was so vile sounding that one of our housemates came from the ground floor extension up to our attic room to make sure we were OK....

A friend did an exercise with me where different seats in the room were different aspects of me and my anger so that I could in effect have a conversation with my anger by changing seats. This was a very powerful exercise and it really worked.

I remember that my anger was sad and it had been trying to protect me. It had been the anger of a young girl and it didn't understand that it was causing me more pain. I think I welcomed it back and tried to make peace with this part of myself.

It still isn't something I do very well.. I do grumping very well. I do frustrated very well. I do sad very well. I do happy pretty well too. But anger isn't something I do well, even now. I am not the most assertive. I can grumble behind peoples backs but actually getting proper angry with them, to their face.

Yes right now i am angry and frustrated with my Boss, but do I actually want to act on this? Not really. What is the adult way of allowing your anger to breath? Not sure really. If I am still repressed, then I am not as repressed as I used to be.... Maybe it isn't repression but control?

Fear

Fear holds us back and makes us miss opportunities. Then we get cross because we are missing out....

Some friends took an opportunity to join a larger group. I held back because I had some not so good experiences in a similar group. In fact some of the people I like from the old group are in this new group. So I held back and my two buddies jumped on in and now I feel a little left out. There they are having experiences and coversations and fun that I am not.

Of course, any time I want I can go for it and join to.... But I don't really want to, I just want my mates back, all to myself. Greedy.... Selfish.... I don't want to share them. I don't want to open myself up to all that. I also don't want to get that involved. I am dabbling a toe. Trying to be half involved.

I am not sure this is an old theme for me either. I worked on a few projects while at Uni. One of these was a contract that bought me in contact with potential employers. I had to finish graduating but I had a couple of people in different organisations interested in employing me. When I graduated there were a coupld of lecturers who suggested sending CV's to a couple of places. Did I do any of these things? No.

I worked some dead end jobs instead.... Some opportunities do evaporate if you let them, but friendship, if it is true, never should.....

Chain Reaction

So many little things......

Some good, some bad.

A beautiful tea, Marks and Spencers Enchiladas. Lovely. I am completely stuffed and happy right now. Sated.

I had to go to the pharmacy late and the only one open was on a retail park, With a Marks and Spencers next door.

I went to the Doctor and he looked at both my ears and said the reason I am not hearing so well when I put my ear plug in the ear with the burst drum is that the other one is full of wax for which I can use drops.

Work insisted last week that I go back to my Doctor to make sure I had the correct information regarding my ear and noise.

When I booked the appointment, i booked it for out of work hours as I try to do with all my appointments.

Later on i had a dentists appointment which was in work time. I was two hours late but my boss knew the time and place of my appointment so should not have been surprised.

Later, my co-worker got sent home an hour early to enjoy an early start to the weekend while I got a telling off for being so late and was informed I had to make up the hours.

As I was going to the Doctor, I stayed late at work and did the first half of my time making up.

At the Doctor's I explained that work was insisting I came back for further guidance, i explained what I was doing, all of which he agreed with and he wrote a letter to my work to, in his words, 'shut them up'.

When my Boss returns there will be a note booking annual leave for my next dentist appointment. Once bitten twice shy. The rules change and I am not going to play that game.

*********

Writing this, what do I see? Bad has to have a source, it constantly renews itself from something. Bad needs effort and work. Good on the otherhand reproduces if you let it, from a little starting event you get a lovely enchilada tea, but only if you are open to it.

Love

I am not sure what to write tonight, except that I feel sad.

I miss F, who has been at work since early this morning and won't return till tomorrow morning. These strange shifts he does, sometimes I miss him more than others and right now I miss him a lot.

We always watched Strictly Come Dancing together and loved it but this year, so many times our viewing comments have had to be communicated by text as he sits at work (if he is lucky) and watches and I sit at home with Little Dog. The texting is fun and amusing but not as nice as having him here.

I have spoken with him three times by phone (and no that is not be being a clingy woman that was him calling me *laugh*). And we always talk at bedtime. But right now I want a hug.

Life feels tough right now. It was never going to be easy going back to work, not after being ill like that. It was always going to leave me drained and low, and it has. Things just feel so tricky right now though....

I have no idea where I am on a few things. One day i think one thing and the next it is all different. I think i currently have a difficult Boss / Friend thing going on. I think they have some feelings towards me right now concerning my having been off for so long. I think also that they feel they have to be a certain way but they keep over stepping the mark. They did so again on Friday and I wasn't overly surprised to receive a text about how fantastic I am with lots of good wishes.....

Tuesday I received a half hour phone call.

To be honest it is a bit unsettling. I like to know what the rules are and play by them but right now I don't feel as even I know. It seems they keep changing and different rules apply to different people. This is hard when the friend is also your Boss.

I am so glad I have F. We have a solid sort of a relationship. I am not saying the rules never change but we meet as equals so any rule changing can be talked about. Things do not flip all over the place. He is my rock and I love him. He is the only one I need. All my other friends are luxuries and all of them added together could never replace him in my life.

I am not sure if I have said much about how we got together or anything like that but I am a firm believer in love at first sight these days. I didn't used to me. To be honest it is a slightly scary thing, or it was for me, who had allowed myself a number of relationships with less than pleasant men. You have to trust and see where it takes you and hope.

Can everyone fall in love at first sight? No idea. I think you have to be open to it. Someone has to have faith and follow it up. I have to say, it wasn't me that did that, it was F, and I was busy running off in the other direction...

Just watched a program called Misfits. A bunch of teens do community service for deeds against the law but get hit by a storm which gives them and others strange abilities. One of them meets a volunteer and has a wild night with her. Only it turns out she is actually an old lady, made young by the storm, but part way through she becomes old again. Being a callow youth he turns away and the lady, now old, dies alone. He gave her one last experience of not being alone before her final end and the experience taught him not to be so tough on his Mum and her new partner. How many people out there missed their match? They walked away at the last minute or neither plucked up the courage to go and talk to each other?

I used to be bemused by those 80 somethings talking about having met one night at a dance and having known from that time. Does that really happen? Yes. But love has no schedule and we don't have to see it when it does come. It is a beautiful thing to never be alone even when no one is with you.

Letting Off Steam

Things are still very mixed and when F picked me up from work, he found a stressed and unhappy me.

As we drove home, I said 'Take me to Godrevy'

'no, I don't want to eat chips'

'nooooo, I need to get out'

So off we went to the headland known as Godrevy. As it so happened he had put Little Dog in the back to come assist with the collecting of me, so she was overjoyed at the diversion.

The very last of the light was still in the sky, along with the tiniest sliver of moon. Just enough light to cast the huge waves in silver and navy. Huge sprays were sent up by the rocks as a glimmer of white in the gloom.

The sky was clear except for a band of cloud on the horizon above St Ives over the other side of the bay. So from silver and navy sea to the darkest mauve of the clouds, lit with the jewel lights of the towns, then above to the last light, nearly gone in a sky turning darker with each minute.

It was lovely. It will be cold later, as it is so clear. But then, with little wind, after the recent gales, it felt relatively mild. Most people didn't want to go out on such a night, so only one or two cars were up there and no other walkers. We were all by ourselves with no need to worry that we couldn't see what Little Dog was up to in the dark.

Nature is always there when I need breathing space. She is always there when things feel too much. When I am sad, or angry. She is also there when I am happy too. She always makes me feel better. I love her for that. So why, on such a wonderful evening, with so much beauty, were we alone?

About Face

I am not sure what to believe or which way to turn right now.

Work is downright bizarre. One second I don't feel valued, the next I feel like employee of the month (maybe slight exageration but you get the picture). I think there is just so much going on that what I see is the tip of the iceberg. I think it is going to take a while for me to really catch up with everything that has gone on. Possibly months... *laugh* I think the word confusing could be used and I am goignt o try and stop thinking and let it just be for now.

I am tired and there are changes and lots of work round the corner. There is possible overtime and possible redundancy. Such is the joy of working for a company with multiple divisions. In good times you all benefit and in bad times you all suffer - even if you have more work than you can manage and are turning a profit....

But yes, I am tired. my social life is trying to take off but I am stubbornly digging my heals in because I know I can't take it right now.... Not this weekend. Not yet. I also can't face reading blogs right now and am planning a catch up at the weekend. I want to curl up somewhere warm and practice being rather than doing. Little Dog is providing an extremely good example of this right now and I think I shall go join her.....

Friend or Foe?

Today... The things I expected to be bad were not and some of the things that were hard took me by surprise.

The H & S back to work thingy was fine and I have all the ear protection I could possibly wish for.

People's reaction to my return varied, quite a lot. One bad tempered chap from outside my department saw me and all the words shared were hello, but he looked sympathetic. One person from inside my department didn't hear me the first two times I said hello and when I said louder he responded but didn't look at me.

The people in my department who I thought were my friends, apart from one, proved themselves to be so. They didn't say a lot but they looked pleased to see me which to be honest, was all I needed them to do, big long conversations are not really my thing right now.

My best friend at work has always been my Boss and she is the one I feel has let me down. I can ignore some of the grumpy things she said to me while I was off. I can ignore the fact that there was way more text messaging than there needed to be, if she just paid attention to what I told her the first time. (no I can not tell you anything right now because, as I already told you, my appointment is for much later today and I already said i will call yoy as soon as it is over....)

The thing that really got my goat though wasn't even direct. It was very much indirect. Someone else is off right now with a chest infection but they have a named serious chest infection. They have not been off long as yet but there was my Boss arranging for someone to go pick up their sick notes and arranging for a whip round for a get well card and boys mag to cheer them up.

It hurt. I pride myself on being honest. I wouldn't expect a Boss to necessarily see and respect that but I do expect a friend to. So I guess the end result of this is that perhaps they really arn't much of a friend. The grumpy comments I could forget as there has been a lot of stress in their life but the lack of trust and faith in me, i can't.

The company I can forgive to, their procedures are not bad but the way my Boss sometimes implements them on a personal level is not so great.

So i am sat here feeling pretty tired and yucky and a bit down. I shall go in tomorrow and slowly people will forget I was off sick and things will return to normal. I am not sure I will forget that my Boss may pretend to my friend but that when it comes down to it, they are not.

Small Mercies

So tomorrow is back to work. No symptoms left now except for tiredness and gurgly ear, so I know it is time. Going back will be tough but will help me get my strength back now. I have barely been out of the house in four weeks. I have done nothing physical beyond the every occasional bit of washing up. So work is going to hit me hard. This week will consist of work, eat and sleep and not much else. I may not be on here much.

So there is that and then there is the fact that I get the impression my Boss thinks I should have worked through it and I suspect this will be a common attitude. Then there is my meeting first thing. Add on to this the fact that there will be a considerable back log. My colleagues have been doing overtime all weekend and there will still be much to do. They will be tired, grumpy, stressed and will see me as not really having been much help at all.

I know I will go back and probably not feel much a part of the team for a bit. But then, to be honest, I just want to drift into the background right now anyway. Not sure I will have the energy for much else.

I have often thought that if I ever did win the lottery (yes I really do spend a lot of time working on this dream *laugh*) that I would dish out some to colleagues. This month has persuaded me that no, I perhaps wouldn't want to. I don't actually have an out of work relationship with them and now there is a little distance, I suspect, very strongly, that if I left there are not any friendships strong enough there for me to carry forward. If I did get lucky, I might give them a treat but I wouldn't make them fellow millionaires.

I am not really dwelling on going back however. It is at the point where there is nothing I can do, I don't know what will happen, it is just too darn scary to think about and I have to do it anyway. Instead today I had some WoW time with F and our old friend. It was good working together to solve puzzles and have a little fun.

This is a team we have found ourselves. A team that has stood the test of time and been a real source of strength. Of all the people we have met and befriended while playing WoW, this friend is the one who has become a real part of our lives.

We were pushing it today. We could have minced around obliterating everything in our path but we decided to have a go at something a little beyond us, to be honest. We didn't suceed but having a go taught us so much about these new characters we have made. We looked at their abilities and how to use them, we specialised our characters to allow them to work better together. We took different roles. We made plans, tried them and then changed them. Each death was a learning opportunity. Each mistake an opportunity to laugh or learn or both. No one was the leader but we all led. All equals. Friends.

Being given jobs, getting stuck in roles... When people worked in communities, did they chose their preferred teams? Was their choice? Did people naturally gravitate towards what worked best and most happily? I suspect they did. Why would they not? Roles would change with efficiency, so as people aged and become less energetic, they would find themselves as advisers or deposed by challenges if they held on too tight.

I work in a dysfunctional team... An overly emotional Boss who can be quite confrontational. The Lady of Lies who is very capable but also pretty lazy. The Little Princess who is not so hot, except for very brief spurts if someone stands over her with a whip. An older person who is in a position of responsibility but the precision required is slowly slipping away. I personally feel that I carry more than my fair share of responsibility within the team and do more than my share of the work, for lower pay than most as well. I bet my being absent has made things tough.

So no, going back won't be fun. I won't have an easy ride as I catch up on my work. I shan't enjoy team spirit, as least for a while. I shan't enjoy feeling well for a little while either. But I shall enjoy friendship and I shall enjoy love and have fun, just maybe not in work straight away. But then maybe I won't have to be there to long. Even if I don't get to change jobs there is our plan - the one where in the not to distant future, I get to be a stay at home Mum.

Moon Whispers

What can I say?

I am not really ill any more. Not really well yet. Very soon I visit the Doctor and I am sure he will give me the all clear and then I shall be back. Chances are it will be pretty miserable. The days will be too long and will leave me drained. The weekends will be just enough to patch me together to go back for another long week.

And for what?

I don't do an important or worth while job. I don't help anyone and neither does my company. I don't do anything real, I just alter fictional numbers. I work pretty hard for a pretty low wage. This money mostly just goes to pay for me to live and to sort out finances. It doesn't get me anything I really want because what I really want feels so far beyond my reach.

My life is all about things that keep me from living, as are most peoples.

Things are not all bad though. We have a plan. Next Summer, thereabouts things will start to get better. Instead of sorting out old things, we might finally be able to start moving forward. It just all feels so far off. Seems to be taking so many years. Sometimes hope wears low. Particularly when you are put back by illness and don't want to go back to work. Would just much rather quit and never have to go back.

I really don't need my hormones leaching away at me right now. I guess at least I know that in a day or two balance will resume. How much our little feminine hormonal imbalances affect us! I guess the only question I have is when do we see clearest? The rest of the month or when the moon draws us close and whispers in our ear. Sweet lunacy?

Down but not Out

I went to the Doctor and got myself another nice little piece of paper. No more drugs though as he feels my chestiness is viral. No mention of bronchitus or pneumonia or any other such thing. Swine flu may have been present but it doesn't matter whether it was or not because there is no way of proving it one way or the other now.

I am just ill and I have another seven days off work.

I am in no hurry to get back. I don't want to go back. I am restless and waiting for the wind to blow me on somewhere else. All the politics and difficulties and struggling colleagues. I just don't want it.

I must admit, before I got ill, that last time. On the Friday when I felt rough and had had enough of everyone. I prayed to the goddess to not make me have to go back. I guess you should be careful what you wish for. It also doesn't stop me from having to go back. It just delays it and gives me a breathing space (*laugh* with a chest infection*).

So where do I go from here? Is there any way I can avoid having to go back but still have money? I have to give a months notice. I have no other job to go to and there are not that many about right now. If I didn't go back I would get a bad reference making it harder to get another job.

I guess I just need to accept the inevitable and keep praying that I win the lottery.

I guess not liking your job is pretty common.

Update

I have to say I am beginning to feel a little more human. Any exertion such as walking to the kitchen still leaves me out of breath but I have got to the stage where sitting on the sofa all day isn't making me feel dreadful.

I spoke my Mum this evening. She is a nurse and talk obviously turned to my being ill. She does wonder if it might have been swine flu and to be honest, it could well have been. Without a swab, there is no proving it and it doesn't really matter what label it has. It made me look rough enough that the Doctor gave me nice bits of paper. Being able to tell others that I had swine flu would probably gain more sympathy just because then they understand that I have been really ill....

She suggested I should try and get out and start going for some very short walks. Partly to help build myself up and partly to get some nice healthy fresh air into my poor beleagured lungs. It was as if my lungs were full of gunk at the bottom. Not so they hurt or made me cough, just so that I had less lung with which to breath.

Tonight F is out. He has gone for food and then to a big and, most probably, astoundingly good concert. A fantastic singer who accompanies himself with his guitar. Who with his second album has broken into the charts and become well known, the fantastic Newton Faulkner. I doubt he would make it into the top ten, he is far to good for that in many ways. Go listen to this... i would love to have heard him sing it.

I am obviously disappointed but I couldn't face going and out and about for a few hours. Breathing and walking and talking and lots of noise.

What does make me glad though, is that my ticket has gone to someone who was desperate to go and had missed out on getting a ticket. They had tried everything they could think to get a ticket and failed. And then today, suddenly, at the tenth hour, there it is. That does make me happy.

What makes me sad is that I seem to have this chain of bad luck with going to good things....

I have a dream to go to the Minack Theatre. This is a beautiful little amphitheatre on the cliffs above a cove. One year I saw they had on War of the Worlds. I love that musical and I love the book. Perfect. The weather only stops them for a couple of performances a year. Of course we booked for one of those. Horizontal rain....

Flashdance in Plymouth. The leading lady and her understudy fell prey to illness and injury. I can't remember which had what but they cancelled the show.

My friend Red coming down and giving me the opportunity to go to witchy places with a fellow witch and I get ill....

The only theatre trip we had booked this year and a really good one at that and here I am.

I do feel a little doomed. The big things i really look forward to, those special one off treats... The things that are not on long enough that you can rebook. One offs. Opportunity missed due to the intervention of fate.

So there we are...

Fate did do something nice for me though. f had a nasty full on week when despite me being here all the time, I would hardly see him. Suddenly something got cancelled and he has some time to spend at home now. Lovely!

Escapism

I still feel icky. Not sure why. Maybe some nasty little virus has snuck into my system and lying it low. Maybe it is psychosomatic. Maybe I just don't want to go back to work. Maybe it is all of these. I have no energy and I feel like a limp lettuce.

It makes me nervous because last time I felt like this, I had Chronic Fatigue. I have been clear for some time, which makes me one of the lucky ones. It scares the bejeesus out of me, the thought of going back where I was. I suspect everytime some bug lays me low, that fear will be there.

I think my dalliance with that nasty bug has always been about my life not being as it should be. I think the further we get from the way we should be living, the more open we are to these nasties. Once in our bodies they make themselves at home.

School didn't make me happy. University (the first time round) didn't make me happy. I am not happy now. So what would make me happy? Is my idea of a perfect life really so perfect? Is it a delusion? What is it I want?

So let's focus on that. That dream. Just for a little while. It sure is a nicer place than my achy head for starters.

*******

I am, when in the best of health, an early riser. So I would get up and leave F and Little Dog happily snoozing for one is not an early riser and the other is not a quick riser. I would go downstairs and brew up a nice cup of herbal tea. I would take it through to another room and leave it to cool.

If it is warm I would go out onto a patio or verandah or deck and practice some tai chi. Say it is Summer and the sun is still low in the sky. I would feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I connect with all that is.

After, I would pause and drink my tea on a chair and watch the birds at the bird table, mostly blue tits. I would hope that a wood pecker would visit. Little Dog hearing that I had finished would appear, all bleary eyed and graciously accept some stroking. Then we would move off for a walk.

I would maybe take a wicker basket with me. Little Dog would lope around sniffing things as we move through the morning with quiet enjoyment. We would go let the chickens out and give them some food and maybe find some eggs for breakfast. Little Dog of course would want to get in and visit.... We would stop and say hello to the pigs and the goats and the cow and sheep and horses and check their water and maybe give them some food although they probably wouldn't need it this time of year so much. If we have some goats or cows producing milk I would have taken a pail and stool with me to milk them.

We would walk down by the river first and pause there before turning back up through the forest garden where I would pause and gather a few berries maybe for breakfast. Then we would go to the veg patch and greenhouse and I would turn on the water and check the plants and maybe pick some herbs for the eggs. Some rosemary maybe.

Finally we would return to the house, I would top up Little dogs food and then hop in the shower before cooking breakfast. The smell would lure F from bed and we would eat together on the verandah. It would still be early

I would then maybe do a couple of hours in the gardens, weeding or hoeing, planting or pruning or maybe some harvesting. Or maybe spend some time in the green house. Whatever needed doing. Maybe the pigs needed moving from one enclosure in the woods to another to give the plants a chance to regrow. F would be pottering to and doing man things probably.

After a few hours work, as it starts to get hot, we would return to the house with some food for lunch. Things for a salad maybe. Maybe I would have some things from a full harvest. Things to spend the afternoon pickling or jarring or jam making.

After lunch I would potter a little in my studio or maybe sit with a book for a bit. I love harvesting fruit. I always have done. I used to climb trees for the plums or sit on a stool picking berries.

What I would do would depend on the seasons. The morning routine of tai chi, dog walk and animal care would be pretty consistent but the rest would vary. More arts and crafts in the winter. More garden graft in the spring and early summer. Much harvesting and preserving in the autumn and late summer.

Some days we would escape and go out. Others I would go to a class. Some evenings friends would come over and we would eat and be merry. Sometimes we might go and find some culture, take a picnic to the Minack and see a play.

Maybe one day there would be children. A baby snoozing in a play pen with a sun screen as I pick berries. A toddler asking constant questions and chasing the goats, before they chase him back. A child going off to school (a school without SATs and pressure) and then returning to climb trees and build dams. A teenager maybe fishing in the river or giggling with girl friends over something on the TV.

Maybe F would go out to work. Maybe I would be a world renowned author, writing in the winter and living off the royalties of a train of books. Maybe I would be an artisan with all sorts for sale on etsy, supplementing an income. Maybe I would be rich and have no worries about money at all. It is the living closer to the land I dream of.

Pleading Guilty

Still feeling icky today and so is F. The gutting thing is we both arranged to have today off. Some friends are down and we spent yesterday afternoon with them and were supposed to spend today with them to. We were supposed to go visit standing stones and burial chambers and holy wells and all sorts of lovely such things.

I know I can go anytime but not to have to go by myself. To go with another witch. To have F there with another non-witchy bloke to talk bloke things to. It would have been lovely.

I havn't been ill this year really. Except for a bout of IBS after Big Dog died, I have not been ill enough to consider being off work all year, until now. And F is ill at exactly the same time as well. Do you ever get the feeling that something just wasn't meant to be?

I need to pop out though for food and to post a present to my niece for her birthday but I just don't want to get off my sofa. I have a duvet and I am warm and snug in my jim jams. There was a bit of a drizzle outside last time I looked. I just don't really want to go anywhere.

I guess it also explains why this moon has been so hard. Not just hormones but my body fighting off some nasty icky virus. F had been at work from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning so for us to get ill at the same time means we both had it before Friday.

I can't say as I am really ill, I just fel so icky and tired. I always feel guilty when I am ill, as if I should have more symptoms and a giant flourescent purple rash to justify my telling people I am ill. I lived with this for years with first glandular fever and then ME. Invisible illnesses.

Maybe I should go get a card and then crawl back to bed. Maybe I should make her wait for her pressie with a little explanation of illness and such. Maybe I can persuade F to visit the post office one day before work. Maybe I can cram it into an envelope so it sits nice and flat and can go in the post without a visit to the post office. Maybe I can take it into work, get it weighed and then just pile stamps on until I have paid enough. I just don't want to go out today.

Maybe I shouldn't push myself through guilt. And I do feel guilty. I had such a lovely time yesterday. I don't want them to think we stayed home for any other reason apart from illness. I don't want my niece to feel bad on her birthday.

Guilt seems to go so closely with illness.

Feeling the Love

First of all I have to say a huge thank you to the lovely Lady Mel. I received a lovely letter in the post along with a very lovely picture and a very lovely and apt pressie to pass on to a special young lady. Thank you Hun! You have a wee habit of lifting my spirits at the right time in unexpected ways... XXX

***

Then we have the saga of the socks.

TAW Week 7 has an exercise to buy a little luxury for yourself. It suggests a lovely pair of gloves or socks. Socks resonated with me instantly. My socks cause my ankles to swell, they bite to hard. A couple of years back I was with my folks at Christmas and my Mum, Dad and Sister received a present from a family friend. I didn't. OK so I wasn't overly close to this person and I hadn't given them a pressie.

I was very jealous of the socks my Dad got though. They were hand knitted. No seams. No nasty biting elastic at the top. Not quite my colour, being manly and all, but a lovely variegated wool had been used.

I must admit after that I started making her a little something for Xmas. I must admit though, I was kind of hoping I might get a pair of socks though. It didn't work because she got very busy at work and I got some nice handmade bath things instead. They were lovely, but I did really covet those socks.

So, the suggestion of treating myself to a luxurious socks kind of bought an image into my head. Beautiful variegated purple wooly socks. The sort that you darn when they get holes.

I tried hunting for local knitters but sometimes the internet makes such things tricky. It is far easier to find companies than it is to find lone artisans for hire. I pondered how to find such people and etsy sprang to mind. I have never used etsy before...

I searched for local etsy sellers and while there was some beautiful things and talented artisans, none of them were knitters or crocheters. So I started looking a little more broadly and I looked at lots and lots of socks. And of course slipper socks and sock slippers. Crocheted mary janes. Lace up crochet socks. Felted boot socks. So much variety. But not so many variegated purple sock.

I did eventually find a pair.

I fell in love.

I contacted the seller regarding sizing and established that they would fit.

I tried to buy.

I failed to buy.

Her shop didn't include shipping outside the grand old US of A. Which isn't where I live.

I contacted her and asked her if I could get them here or if they could maybe go to a friend in Canada....

She added the UK to her postal list. And Canada.

I purchased socks! And they are on their way.

***

I wrote a wishlist a little while back for another TAW exercise and I posted it on my blog.

I have a lovely friend who reads my blog, although she doesn't have one of her own and comments via email. We met once, years ago. A friend of a friend. Somehow we got chatting via Facebook and then became Facebook friends and then email friends and soon, we shall also be face to face friends. For she is visiting Cornwall....

It is a slightly odd thing, remeeting someone in this sort of a way. We know each other so well in some ways. But I just know it will all be fine. We connected because we have similar interests and values. It will not be like the recent visit of an old friend I used to be very close to, who has chosen a radically different path in life to me. We have similar religous paths and have spoken in depth of things that I know I seldom share with people I know in the flesh.

OK so the reason this all fits in this post is that when she comes down, she is bringing a gift. One listed in my wishlist. She happened to know of an artisan making such things, in a truly beautiful fashion. She saw one that spoke to her of me. She then gave me a choice. I could have chosen any of them, but I want the one that spoke to her. So I have a surprise coming my way, which even though it will be beautiful, will be all the more special for having been chosen for me by a friend.

***

So i guess it is fairly obvious what the theme of this post is. Presents and the art of giving. The best presents are those given freely, with no strings, no expectations. Where the person giving has taken the care to personally choose or make something that they thing the recipient will like. That care and attention is the thing that makes a present special.

Giving with the expectation of receiving something in return is likely to lead to disappointment. You are unlikely to get what you want. Even if you get something truly lovely, it will not be the thing you coveted. The expectation of receiving something ruins the gift of receiving care and attention from the giver. Giving from obligation feels empty in many ways. As does receiving a present given from obligation.

If there is something you truly covet, value yourself enough to give yourself that something as a no strings attached gift. That is not to say you should go and buy yourself hugely outrageous and epensive things. A true gift is made more valuable by care and attention. Notice that little thing you covet and give yourself the gift of getting it, of caring enough about yourself to allow yourself to have it. A pair of socks really isn't a big thing is it? But yet it is....

I believe the care and attention I put into the hand made gifts I make for my family increases their value. I personally select what to make. The colours, style, everything. I don't like all the things I make as gifts, some I adore and have trouble parting with. It doesn't matter, it isn't about me. I get so much from that giving. I get something everytime I get to see them wear it. I get something everytime they tell me of another compliment they receive for it. Little gifts that come back to me unexpectedly.

Gifts do not have to be big to have a huge effect. In fact I think the little things often have the biggest impact and meaning. Thought counts more than showy consumerism in my book. Thought equals love while flashy consumerism equals money.

So thank you to all those lovely people who have given me gifts because they thought I might like it, or just wanted to give me something. Thank you to those who signed up for swaps with me and made something so perfectly designed and created for me. Just thank you. I can feel your love.

This all ended up a bit long.... But I guess what I am saying is that we should all look for the little gifts in our lives. Gifts of spirit. A rowan branch. A beautiful sunny day. A glimpse of the moon in a break in the clouds.

Rewriting History III

I am finding this an interesting theme for thought and there is a little more to come... Most of us rewrite personal history as well.

My first experience of this was with My Gran. She was a difficult lady. Widowed before my parents met and with only one child, she was never going to like my Mum, no matter how much she did... When I was about twelve, I very innocently caused a family row. My Mum, Gran, Sister and I had all been out and about. Things hadn't happened quite as my Gran would have liked and she went home stewing. By the time we next saw her she had convinced herself that things had happened slightly differently. She proceeded to complain to my Dad about what happened. I spoke up and contradicted her view of events.

It occurs to me in recounting this that she may have known she wasn't telling the truth. Who knows.... It always appeared that she brooded on things. With each telling she appeared in a slightly better light until she had the story just right, and of course, that was how it had been....

We all do this to some extent. The memory of pain vanishes, to become a memory of a memory of a memory. I think this is the minds way of protecting us. I think the same happens with things we do wrong. Imagine if we had to remember in 20:20 clarity every single wrong we had done. Imagine the weight of all that guilt. It would cripple us as people.

Thing is, I slowly rewrite the good stuff too. I just forget it. I have an awful memory. What did I do when i was 14? Where did I go at 17? How did I feel after my first kiss? Which one exactly WAS my first kiss? I am not sure everyone has quite as bad a memory as I do, but I think the principle is the same...

Shame, pain, fear, love all gone. A memory of a memory of a memory. A memory of the story I once told myself about how it happened.

Do we really want to live with the painful truth, every second?

Sometimes things happen that pierce our minds and we can't forget. A memory so strong, A pain so deep, a love so profound... Even they fade one day if we let them (or if we have a truly appalling memory). I have a piercing moment of memory from my childhood. Walking through wet grass in Autumn with flurries of Daddy Long Legs leaping out of the grass. It was a moment when I realised I was happy. When I just felt happiness and was present and there... No context, just that image.

Families write history too. Why did Grandma fall out with her sister? The polite fiction. What you tell the children. What is misunderstood by future generations. What is left out.

Downward

I had lots I wanted to say last night. I lost three more pounds and we went and picked up F's new car. But yesterday has gone and those things and the excitement that went with them has waned.

So today. Today has been an odd day but I am not sure I wish to talk about that either. Talking about work gets old.

I am going to talk about food though and this has been sparked today....

At school we had to eat all our lunch. Our main course with it's two veg and our desert. If you wouldn't eat it, you stayed there until you did. If your parents gave you permission you could gain a green card which was a get out clause that let you not eat the foods listed on it. The only food I got out of eating was prunes.

There was a girl in my class who wouldn't eat the meals provided. She took to not going to lunch to avoid eating the things she didn't want to eat. She would have different people sneak food out for her, but only the things she wanted to eat. It was all a high drama. A game between student and staff. Hide and seek with a lot of sneak thrown in.

It was however all about attention and control. I can't remember a huge amount about the girls life but I do remember she was powerless between her divorced parents. Desperate for love and attention. She had a huge crush on her cousin. She used to say he was her boyfriend but I am not sure how true that was. He killed himself. Shot himself with a gun. I think it was after that that the whole food thing picked up pace.

She eventually became anorexic. Playing games like this with food for love and attention doesn't tend to take people anywhere good.

I know I have different tendencies. I comfort eat and hide behind my blubber. It isn't that I don't understand the whole control thing though but the attention craving thing is somewhat alien....

So I know someone at the moment who is not sleeping properly, not eating properly, loosing weight and generally looking manky. Lots of comments are made about looks, appearances, how she feels. She is overly focused on it all. I get fed up of hearing about it. I am not interested in all that stuff at the best of times and this isn't it.

Having had my own trials and tribulations, I know no one gets help until they are ready. Too much attention and focus on it all is counterproductive, it is aiding and abetting her self-destructive behaviour. I can't make her eat properly, or sleep for that matter.

It isn't me the behaviour is aimed at anyway, it is aimed at her family and her boyfriend and the lack that she has in her relationships with them. It is nothing to do with me. I don't want my energy sucked away in that aiding a negative habit thing, I have been there before. I don't want to be involved in someone destroying themselves. I can't give her what she needs. I don't even like her. But I do feel sad about it all, sometimes. The rest of the time it makes me frustrated and cross.

A Rant

Cornwall is a beautiful place. It has a rich and varied history that is different to the rest of the UK. Important events in Cornish history are largely unknown outside of Cornwall. To the UK it has always been a far outpost, rural and backward. They like to forget it's history and have long chosen to disregard the social identity, although this has changed to a large extent now.

When I moved here I was ignorant of the different culture and history of the area but I didn't move here with a no-it-all attitude. I came, I listened, I read and I learnt. I still continue to learn about Cornwall and I imagine I always will be. As such I didn't irritate the Cornish and most of them don't suss me out as being non-Cornish. I can feel those who have integrated and those who havn't when I meet them these days. There is a relaxed, easy going sort of an attitude to those that fit here, a sort of what will be will be. many people from up country just can not relax enough to fit here.

The landscape is a small landscape. There is a lack of room and it is full of little valleys and rivers and coves and villages. If you stand on the right hill or headland the landscape can be seen on a different scale, looking at the vistas and not seeing the things hidden below.

We only have one good dual carriageway road and even that isn't dual carriageway all the way. Many of our roads are only wide enough for one car, edged with plant covered granite edges, sharp bends and passing places. This is fine, the locals are laid back enough to just get on with it if they are on a road where they can't overtake the tractor that is going exactly the same way as them. It isn't that we don't get frustrated, we do, it is just life...

People buy second homes here and bump up the housing prices. They don't pay full council tax so don't contribute as much to the services down here, police, fire etc and then they fill their spare house with a stream of people some of whom will have paid a lot of money to be in here in the peak of the summer season. I know people who grew up in villages they will never be able to afford to live in, even though their family lived there as far back as the ark. Some places are so exclusive and so unlikely to have a single local person living there.

Then there are the tourists. They come and fill everywhere up. Drive very slowly. And go to tourist attractions. They pay lots of money to do so but a lot of the time they are disapointed by what they find. Up country there may be grand castles you couldn't explore in a day but down here things are on a smaller scale. It is a place to go and relax and explore. To have the best time you don't want to go anywhere much you have to pay to go, except parking fees. The best places are the beaches, exploring little fishing villages, exploring the landscape. Surely that is why Cornwall has a tourist industry in the first place?

So you have places like Padstow which is very exclusive and dominated by Rick Stein. You have St Ives where you can barely move in the summer and can purchase a wide variety of arts and crafts. You have Newquay where the chances of you seeing a sober person is considerably reduced. These places havn't been made this way by the locals. If you don't like a place you go to, then chances are a lot of the locals won't like it either....

So it really bugs me when people come down here and comment on Cornwall in vast sweeping terms. When they visit tourist places and complain that they are touristy. When they pay a meagre £3 to see something and expect the earth. When they call it claustrophobic and arrogant. arrogant? The cornish are not arrogant as a rule but many of the middle class non-local enclaves are very arrogant indeed.

So why am I so pissed off exactly? An old, old friend I havn't seen in years came to visit and we spent a few hours together. When they went home they commented on Cornwall and their holiday and I found it somewhat offensive....

For years they had wanted to visit Tintagel. A ruined castle on an isolated headland linked to Arthurian legend. We warned them that there were treacherous stairs down the cliff and then back up the other side to the castle. I said that I did not feel fit enough to go myself. We said they were brave going with a baby carrier. We gave them a leaflet on the place which certainly would also have explained the difficult access. They went anyway and then complained a lot about little they enjoyed it. One couldn't carry the baby because of issues with heights. They were too sweaty to relax once they made it there.... We did warn them, they just didn't want to hear and we didn't want to annoy them by being to forceful about it....

I guess what I have to remember is the friends I knew before I moved down here have made very different life choices to the ones I have made. They may travel the world, drive fast cars, have prestigious jobs and generallyhave a fair bit of cash. I may have chosen a less exciting looking path but I am content (mostly) with my lot. I love Cornwall. I love my friends down here. I may not have heaps of money but I have time to appreciate the beauty of the place I live. I have time to be connected....

If ever you visit me here, please, please don't insist on going to all the tourist traps. Take a quieter, softer, more relaxed route. Chances are we will both find some new and beautiful place to explore.

Time Turns

Today is a quiet day (thankfully). It has all been good and fun and lovely but I am so tired now.

Today is a day off. Peace and quiet and catching up with myself.

Today is a mere breather because tomorrow I have committed to going to the races....

This week has made me realise that I use my blog sometimes to avoid doing things. Starting this blog has both opened my life up and closed it down. I spend too much time reading blogs. It isn't sustainable. It is an avoidance of doing.

I do think that sometimes I go a bit mad on crafting and wear myself out on it. The nice thing about beading is that it is a slow steady sort of a craft. Not likely to wear you out. I have started a bracelet for my Mum on my loom as we were talking about what she would like last weekend. It is in silver and grey and I am enjoying doing it.

This last ten days has been full. Over time at work. Flying around the country. Going to a wedding. Going shopping / browsing in an upmarket town with my parents. Intensive house cleansing. Walks with family to local places. A trip to St Ives by train to sit on the beach and wander round shops. A shopping trip with my sister. An outdoor production of Tartuffe (fantastically funny).

It was lovely but manic.

I also received a few early birthday pressies which I assisted in choosing... In my window is a lovely set of stained glass hearts in pink, red and purple strung downwards. I have a lovely blue glass with gold foil marble which sits on top of a bottle stopper. I have a set of brightly coloured silicon kitchen utensils. I have a lovely set of nesting kitchen things in all the colours of the rainbow including a bowl, colunder, sieve, measuring jug and measuring cups.

I think I may start posting a little less. Reading a few less blogs. Doing a little more. Time for a slightly different balance. Some things have been very much neglected. I want to spend more time on The Artists's Way. I want to finish Wreck This Journal. I am soon to start the Joy Diet. I want to make my house beautiful with objects I have made and altered. I want to finish my list of crafting obligations. I want to get started on my manic list for Christmas and the surrounding birthdays....

I will still be here but it has all been building and building and now it is time for those blossoms to bloom fully. Harvest is here. No doubt winter will see me brooding and returning more to this....

Dark Desire

I wrote this on Monday but it shall be my post for Tuesday.... Not surprisingly I have had a lot of mixed feelings about actually posting it but writing it was pretty cathartic. The sensation of relief involved in all this is strong.....

I am currently undertaking The Artist's Way and one very simple but difficult aspect of this is the morning pages. This is just to write three pages of stream of consciousness stuff each morning. Any time of day or amount of writing is good but first thing is best...

Last week I suddenly found I didn't want to do them any more. They had been positive and good until this point. I found myself waking up as normal, way before my alarm, looking at the time and turning over to go back to sleep rather than get up and do my pages. I avoided them every which way I could.

Half way through last week I found a dark mood descending and it has stayed with me, pretty constantly since. A few morning pages and then more avoidance. The ones I did were whiny and whingy and not so nice. In an effort to keep going, tonight I did some and I don't like what came out. In fact I find it very, very upsetting. I am on week three and this includes shame and this definitely fits this category.

I am a very logical person. Analytical and incisive, I find my emotions the hardest thing to understand. Most of the time, I don't even get to feel my feelings, so good is my logical mind. Sometimes this causes problems. Sometimes I find myself not sleeping and I have to think, oh something is going on, what is it? what am I feeling? I can be very out of touch with my emotions.

I didn't fit as a child and kind of separated myself off a bit. I later suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of a rape and have had repeated and severe bouts of glandular fever. I am no stranger to depression, that mild miasmic all pervasive sort that doesn't respond to drugs (thankfully and no doctor would bother suggesting I tried them again, such was thei r impact). When it comes down to it, my head handles it, sort of.

So tonight I was surprised and upset by what appeared on my pages. I have always been proud that, although things had gotten pretty bad for me in the past, i had never, ever thought about killing myself. I have always considered myself to be the sort of person that if I did think about it and decide to do it, I would and I would succeed.

So imagine how I felt to discover that I was wrong. I had wanted to die, desperately many times in my life. I think there might even be some small part of me that still does, that just doesn't understand why I am here, that feels like a useless waste of space. My mind discounted suicide before even realising that emotionally it was what I wanted. Talk about shame.

It is probably twenty years since I first began feeling like this and over ten years ago that it reached it's height. I think by shamefully refusing to notice this feeling, I have kept it, rather than letting it go. By not seeing it, it has always been there, even when I have dealt with all the root causes (maybe, who knows with the way my head works), I kept the feeling.

Now it has popped out, so unexpectedly, does that mean it gets to leave? I really, really don't like this one, is it good for me? I have no idea, only time will tell....

It is the ghost of an old feeling that has been there causing pain because I couldn't focus on it, to work out what it was. Don't be reading this and fretting because the feeling belonged to a very young and naive girl who spent too much time being ill and then found out the world didn't work how she thought and that it could be a very nasty scary place. It doesn't belong to an intelligent woman who enjoys a strong faith, many creative outlets and a wonderfully varied life in a beautiful part of the world with a wonderful man.