The History of Ears

When I was a little girl I often used to get ear infections. Every cold bought one. I have been told I missed a lot of school. I was also told that i was lucky to live in an age of antibiotics because otherwise i would very lucky have ended with impaired hearing.

One day I was told I was going to have my adenoids out and i would have to go into hospital. I was not a normal little girl and I was very, very excited to be going into hospital. So excited that when i felt some strange bumps in my hair on that all important morning, I didn't tell my Mum.

Once I was at the hospital and settled in, the bumps started to become noticeable and spread all over me. My Mum being a nurse, knew what they were as soon as she saw them. Chickenpox. The daft thing was they wouldn't let me go home before I had seen a doctor, so my infectious body remained in the ward full of pre-op children for some hours. My Mum felt very, very awkward about this....

The next time, I was not nearly so enthusiastic as my op was scheduled for the time in which my school was going to the East of England Show. I had never been and I was going to miss it. I was a bit cross. That is about all I remember of it to be honest. Not half as memorable as my first attempt....

The ear aches and colds and sessions with the nurses syringe became less frequent but didn't vanish. I remember some nasty ear aches. Falling asleep with my ear on Oswald, the crocodile hot water bottle. I remember being a young student in a flat in the city, doped up to my eyeballs on painkillers being woken by drunk flatmates who had brought some young chaps home. That was when i discovered that any painkillers with the word co in their description tend to zonk me out.

The next big thing was when i first moved to Cornwall. I decided to satisfy a life long ambition and learn to scuba dive. We had completed weeks of training in a swimming pool and it was the day of our first open water dive. We had not been down very long and we were not particularly deep when it happened.

My head went boom and then I felt the inrush of water. Everything went very, very strange. I couldn't tell up from down. I focused really, really hard on something, a rock I think, trying to ignore everything else around. Without closing my eyes or looking away, the rock would suddenly be somewhere else. Everything must have settled pretty quick because i was still with the others and no one had noticed a thing.

I signalled to one of the leaders that I wanted to go up. Once there, i couldn't tell them what was wrong so reluctantly I went back down. We rejoined the group and completed the dive. Once up, i explained what had happened and then my mate and I went to buy a woolie hat to keep my ears warm.

I was lucky that I was not sick. I was lucky I did not loose my respirator. I was in shock.

I went to watch a rugby match that afternoon and then when i was back in my room I found my ear was starting to bleed. I found a sober student who had a car and off we went. I guess the diagnosis shouldn't have been a shock but it was. A burst ear drum.

The next week was very fuzzy. Noise hurt. I slept. My ear produced some interesting things. I later learnt that the hall cleaners had been keeping a close eye on me. Not sure any of the other students were mature enough to really understand what was going on. I had four lots of antibiotics in total, each with a longer and nastier list of possible side affects than the one before.

It took nearly a year for the ear drum to repair and for the hole to be gone. A year of no swimming and care with water. I did go to places with loud music so I probably did damage my hearing a little....

So here I am again and this time, it is not so bad, six weeks to mend apparently. so only a little hole. Noise doesn't hurt and there was no catastrophic event affecting my balance. In fact I have no idea when it happened exactly. Not too bad really....

I have a long time to get used to the fact that i will probably have some hearing difficulties later in life.... I have them right now though too.... One ear has an ear plug and the other has a large dose of ear wax. All just temporary....

Chain Reaction

So many little things......

Some good, some bad.

A beautiful tea, Marks and Spencers Enchiladas. Lovely. I am completely stuffed and happy right now. Sated.

I had to go to the pharmacy late and the only one open was on a retail park, With a Marks and Spencers next door.

I went to the Doctor and he looked at both my ears and said the reason I am not hearing so well when I put my ear plug in the ear with the burst drum is that the other one is full of wax for which I can use drops.

Work insisted last week that I go back to my Doctor to make sure I had the correct information regarding my ear and noise.

When I booked the appointment, i booked it for out of work hours as I try to do with all my appointments.

Later on i had a dentists appointment which was in work time. I was two hours late but my boss knew the time and place of my appointment so should not have been surprised.

Later, my co-worker got sent home an hour early to enjoy an early start to the weekend while I got a telling off for being so late and was informed I had to make up the hours.

As I was going to the Doctor, I stayed late at work and did the first half of my time making up.

At the Doctor's I explained that work was insisting I came back for further guidance, i explained what I was doing, all of which he agreed with and he wrote a letter to my work to, in his words, 'shut them up'.

When my Boss returns there will be a note booking annual leave for my next dentist appointment. Once bitten twice shy. The rules change and I am not going to play that game.

*********

Writing this, what do I see? Bad has to have a source, it constantly renews itself from something. Bad needs effort and work. Good on the otherhand reproduces if you let it, from a little starting event you get a lovely enchilada tea, but only if you are open to it.

Horses for Courses

Dogs have been breed for a very, very long time so that we have different breeds for different purposes. They are all still dogs and can inter-breed but their strengths and weaknesses are more obvious....

Collies and German Shepherds herd sheep.
Sight hounds hunt, from deer (deerhounds), wolves (wolfhounds), greyhounds (rabbits and hares) and so on
Jack russells and other terriers are used for ratting and going down burrows
Some dogs were bred looks, others to keep people warm and others as guard dogs.

Humans have a habit of doing this. We did it with horses, cows, sheep and anything else we domesticated.... No one would dream of asking a Jack Russell to take on a wolf, although it would probably have a go.... No one would expect a shire horse, such as a Suffolk Punch, to win the Grand National.

We humans did this but yet we still expect other people to be equal and have the same strengths. I am a brain rather than a brawn sort of a person. I got my current job on the basis of my ability to sit behind a computer and do all that stuff with efficiency and accuracy. I did not get this job on the basis of my physical fitness and stamina, and anybody who employs me for my physical fitness in my current state is frankly barmy.

Why does everyone have to be equal? Can't I just sit behind my computer and do that well? Why is the fact that right now, I don't feel like running around, which isn't really part of my job, an issue for some people? I am fit to be at work doing my job. I am not fit to be doing the things that no one would give me a job that focused on them anyway....

I am not saying I am being given a hard time but when people are stressed their private views become a little more obvious. if I had a broken leg or some such, no one would expect me to run around, although I might be able to with adjustments such as crutches. Being fat is a disability, most of the time I heft and buzz around with the rest of them but right now my disability is affecting me more strongly.

Let me. Let me be a brain right now who works a computer real good.... It is after all what you actually need me to do...

About Face

I am not sure what to believe or which way to turn right now.

Work is downright bizarre. One second I don't feel valued, the next I feel like employee of the month (maybe slight exageration but you get the picture). I think there is just so much going on that what I see is the tip of the iceberg. I think it is going to take a while for me to really catch up with everything that has gone on. Possibly months... *laugh* I think the word confusing could be used and I am goignt o try and stop thinking and let it just be for now.

I am tired and there are changes and lots of work round the corner. There is possible overtime and possible redundancy. Such is the joy of working for a company with multiple divisions. In good times you all benefit and in bad times you all suffer - even if you have more work than you can manage and are turning a profit....

But yes, I am tired. my social life is trying to take off but I am stubbornly digging my heals in because I know I can't take it right now.... Not this weekend. Not yet. I also can't face reading blogs right now and am planning a catch up at the weekend. I want to curl up somewhere warm and practice being rather than doing. Little Dog is providing an extremely good example of this right now and I think I shall go join her.....

Small Mercies

So tomorrow is back to work. No symptoms left now except for tiredness and gurgly ear, so I know it is time. Going back will be tough but will help me get my strength back now. I have barely been out of the house in four weeks. I have done nothing physical beyond the every occasional bit of washing up. So work is going to hit me hard. This week will consist of work, eat and sleep and not much else. I may not be on here much.

So there is that and then there is the fact that I get the impression my Boss thinks I should have worked through it and I suspect this will be a common attitude. Then there is my meeting first thing. Add on to this the fact that there will be a considerable back log. My colleagues have been doing overtime all weekend and there will still be much to do. They will be tired, grumpy, stressed and will see me as not really having been much help at all.

I know I will go back and probably not feel much a part of the team for a bit. But then, to be honest, I just want to drift into the background right now anyway. Not sure I will have the energy for much else.

I have often thought that if I ever did win the lottery (yes I really do spend a lot of time working on this dream *laugh*) that I would dish out some to colleagues. This month has persuaded me that no, I perhaps wouldn't want to. I don't actually have an out of work relationship with them and now there is a little distance, I suspect, very strongly, that if I left there are not any friendships strong enough there for me to carry forward. If I did get lucky, I might give them a treat but I wouldn't make them fellow millionaires.

I am not really dwelling on going back however. It is at the point where there is nothing I can do, I don't know what will happen, it is just too darn scary to think about and I have to do it anyway. Instead today I had some WoW time with F and our old friend. It was good working together to solve puzzles and have a little fun.

This is a team we have found ourselves. A team that has stood the test of time and been a real source of strength. Of all the people we have met and befriended while playing WoW, this friend is the one who has become a real part of our lives.

We were pushing it today. We could have minced around obliterating everything in our path but we decided to have a go at something a little beyond us, to be honest. We didn't suceed but having a go taught us so much about these new characters we have made. We looked at their abilities and how to use them, we specialised our characters to allow them to work better together. We took different roles. We made plans, tried them and then changed them. Each death was a learning opportunity. Each mistake an opportunity to laugh or learn or both. No one was the leader but we all led. All equals. Friends.

Being given jobs, getting stuck in roles... When people worked in communities, did they chose their preferred teams? Was their choice? Did people naturally gravitate towards what worked best and most happily? I suspect they did. Why would they not? Roles would change with efficiency, so as people aged and become less energetic, they would find themselves as advisers or deposed by challenges if they held on too tight.

I work in a dysfunctional team... An overly emotional Boss who can be quite confrontational. The Lady of Lies who is very capable but also pretty lazy. The Little Princess who is not so hot, except for very brief spurts if someone stands over her with a whip. An older person who is in a position of responsibility but the precision required is slowly slipping away. I personally feel that I carry more than my fair share of responsibility within the team and do more than my share of the work, for lower pay than most as well. I bet my being absent has made things tough.

So no, going back won't be fun. I won't have an easy ride as I catch up on my work. I shan't enjoy team spirit, as least for a while. I shan't enjoy feeling well for a little while either. But I shall enjoy friendship and I shall enjoy love and have fun, just maybe not in work straight away. But then maybe I won't have to be there to long. Even if I don't get to change jobs there is our plan - the one where in the not to distant future, I get to be a stay at home Mum.

Feels Like Trouble

I was feeling pretty happy. I am feeling better. OK, so I am going to tire easy for a bit and sometimes my ear gurgles and itches. But basically I am going to be fine to go back on Monday as far as I can see.

Each visit to the Doctor's I have updated them. I had agreed to speak to my Boss on Sunday to confirm that I could definitely return to work. Since telling them about my burst ear drum on Tuesday I have been thinking about the fact that a lot of the building I work in is pretty noisy. So much so that if you spend more than fifteen minutes in some areas you need to use ear protection. The company also regularly conducts hearing tests on people working in those areas.

I don't work there. I work in a quieter area, there is some occasional noise but I basically spend 90% of my time sat behind a computer. Given there is two of us doing the same role, it wouldn't take much to adjust things so I was behind a computer 100% of the time for the next few weeks. OK so maybe I would need to walk outside to go to the facilities, maybe they might need to buy me some big posh ear defenders, like headphones.

It is doable. Having told my boss about my ear, they should have been thinking about things. Thing is my Boss is a physical type who doesn't shy away from a fight, who speaks before thinking, wears their heart on their sleeve and feels emotions very strongly, negative and positive. So when I spoke to them and pointed out about my ear and noise and asked them to talk to the H & S person, they weren't best pleased.

They did and they called me back, so now when I go in on Monday, before I even get to head to the place I work, I get to meet with my Boss's Boss and the H & S person. My good mood has evaporated. I think my Boss would quite happily see me gone right now. Four weeks off sick is more than they can really deal with and not being fully able to do everything I did before doesn't sit well either.

Thing is, they lack a certain amount of education. They are a get it done person rather than the sort of manager who knows all the rules and regs. Sometimes they react and then discover that legislation ties their hands. I do wonder if this is a bit like that. I also wonder, given my company is announcing redundancies, whether I will find myself faced with constructive dismissal or just paid my notice and gone. So now I am pissed off and stressed and all the good feeling I had from watching Bride and Prejudice has evaporated. So my Boss may have expressed emotion that the company would deem inappropriate but it has still been expressed.

The way I feel towards them right now, I am actually hoping that they do get rid of me and I can sue their butts. I do think I need to get armed with some data about what noise levels I can and can't be exposed to right now.... I actually was sat here thinking up nice happy, non-whiny posts for today too... *snarl*

Update

Not back to work this week but should be back Monday. I just really, really hope I am all better and up to it then. Going back is going to be hard - i think my Boss is running out of understanding and my pocket is going to be hard hit at the end of the month....

Seems my viral infection thingy has been attacking my whole respiratory system including my ears. The gurgle I thought might be a bit of extra wax is actually a burst ear drum. so cotton wool in the ear for a while when I wash my hair.

I previously burst my ear drum while diving, some years ago. I had an ear infection I knew nothing about and that infection was nasty. I took two courses of oral antibiotics and two lots of antibiotic ear drops and they had the longest list of side affects of any drug I have ever taken. My ear bled to start with and then well, the less said the better, but green featured quite strongly. And the pain... It took the best part of a year for my ear drum to fully grow back. For the first few weeks, sound hurt.

So to be honest I am a little surprised at what I have done and very, very relieved that it isn't painful, merely a little irritating and occasionally uncomfortable.

Any one fancy giving odds over my job? Let's say I last a week back there, still there at Xmas, my contract gets renewed and still there in a years time? *laugh*

How Long?

Time for another whinge about being ill....

I had my nasty chest infection and the doctor continued to sign me off but didn't renew my antibiotics because he felt it was viral and wanted to give them a chance to work. I was starting to feel a little better when F comes down with a bug.

Suddenly I have snotty man with a temperature lurking about. Of course my immune system is shot. Not just from my own bugs and chest infection but also from the antibiotics. I am not sure if the antibiotics were damping down my own bugs or if F's bug have now come to visit.

Yesterday I had to visit the shop to get some food for Little Dog and I felt dire when i got back. A twenty minute excursion was all it was. Today my chest has bloomed and is sore etc. Work call because they want to know if they need to get some cover in or not and to try and get me to get an appointment as soon as possible.

Feeling a bit harassed I tell F, who is a little stern with me about money and so forth. Then I call the Doctor and find that they are snowed under and obviously have sickness too. So I am off to the Doctor next week and not even to see my own. Apparently the Doctor will be backdating my certificate.

I feel miserable now. I feel as if I have been backed into a corner of being off all week, whether I need to or not. I feel as if F is losing sympathy a little (I suppose at least one of us a constitution made of sterner stuff but I guess it makes it hard for him to appreciate where I am at). I now know that whether I need drugs or not, I can not get any.

I think the term for my position is snookered.

Down but not Out

I went to the Doctor and got myself another nice little piece of paper. No more drugs though as he feels my chestiness is viral. No mention of bronchitus or pneumonia or any other such thing. Swine flu may have been present but it doesn't matter whether it was or not because there is no way of proving it one way or the other now.

I am just ill and I have another seven days off work.

I am in no hurry to get back. I don't want to go back. I am restless and waiting for the wind to blow me on somewhere else. All the politics and difficulties and struggling colleagues. I just don't want it.

I must admit, before I got ill, that last time. On the Friday when I felt rough and had had enough of everyone. I prayed to the goddess to not make me have to go back. I guess you should be careful what you wish for. It also doesn't stop me from having to go back. It just delays it and gives me a breathing space (*laugh* with a chest infection*).

So where do I go from here? Is there any way I can avoid having to go back but still have money? I have to give a months notice. I have no other job to go to and there are not that many about right now. If I didn't go back I would get a bad reference making it harder to get another job.

I guess I just need to accept the inevitable and keep praying that I win the lottery.

I guess not liking your job is pretty common.

Update

I have to say I am beginning to feel a little more human. Any exertion such as walking to the kitchen still leaves me out of breath but I have got to the stage where sitting on the sofa all day isn't making me feel dreadful.

I spoke my Mum this evening. She is a nurse and talk obviously turned to my being ill. She does wonder if it might have been swine flu and to be honest, it could well have been. Without a swab, there is no proving it and it doesn't really matter what label it has. It made me look rough enough that the Doctor gave me nice bits of paper. Being able to tell others that I had swine flu would probably gain more sympathy just because then they understand that I have been really ill....

She suggested I should try and get out and start going for some very short walks. Partly to help build myself up and partly to get some nice healthy fresh air into my poor beleagured lungs. It was as if my lungs were full of gunk at the bottom. Not so they hurt or made me cough, just so that I had less lung with which to breath.

Tonight F is out. He has gone for food and then to a big and, most probably, astoundingly good concert. A fantastic singer who accompanies himself with his guitar. Who with his second album has broken into the charts and become well known, the fantastic Newton Faulkner. I doubt he would make it into the top ten, he is far to good for that in many ways. Go listen to this... i would love to have heard him sing it.

I am obviously disappointed but I couldn't face going and out and about for a few hours. Breathing and walking and talking and lots of noise.

What does make me glad though, is that my ticket has gone to someone who was desperate to go and had missed out on getting a ticket. They had tried everything they could think to get a ticket and failed. And then today, suddenly, at the tenth hour, there it is. That does make me happy.

What makes me sad is that I seem to have this chain of bad luck with going to good things....

I have a dream to go to the Minack Theatre. This is a beautiful little amphitheatre on the cliffs above a cove. One year I saw they had on War of the Worlds. I love that musical and I love the book. Perfect. The weather only stops them for a couple of performances a year. Of course we booked for one of those. Horizontal rain....

Flashdance in Plymouth. The leading lady and her understudy fell prey to illness and injury. I can't remember which had what but they cancelled the show.

My friend Red coming down and giving me the opportunity to go to witchy places with a fellow witch and I get ill....

The only theatre trip we had booked this year and a really good one at that and here I am.

I do feel a little doomed. The big things i really look forward to, those special one off treats... The things that are not on long enough that you can rebook. One offs. Opportunity missed due to the intervention of fate.

So there we are...

Fate did do something nice for me though. f had a nasty full on week when despite me being here all the time, I would hardly see him. Suddenly something got cancelled and he has some time to spend at home now. Lovely!

Just a quick update really and maybe a slight whine.

I feel like I am missing out on so much by being ill. I missed spending time visiting spiritual places with a fellow witch. I missed meeting my girl friends for a meal at a lovely bar on a beautiful beach. I am probably going to miss going to see a gifted musician on Monday, one I have long been looking forward to as we bought the tickets some time ago. I may even miss a meal out next weekend, mostly because I can hardly go out with colleagues if I am off sick.

Yes I am getting a bit done but really not a lot. I have done a little reading. A tiny bit of beading, maybe about 3-4 hours total. A little meditative art to music. Some soul searching on career paths. A lot of vegging in front of the TV. A fair bit of sleeping. I literally find myself with so little energy that i can barely do the things I normally do in the quiet moments of my day.

If I bend over I feel dizzy. If I do anything that my body considers an exertion, which is any movement pretty much, my breathing goes a little funny. All I look though, is tired.

On Thursday I went to the supermarket on the way home to stock up on food a little. I managed to drop food on the floor as I picked up my bags. As I walked out a packet went flying past me, it had dropped out my bag to meet my foot...

Yesterday I got to sit around in the doctors for a while before receiving my precious bits of paper. I went to go and get my medicine and discovered my bank card was not in my wallet. I quickly realised that I must have left it in the card machine in the supermarket. I left my prescription and went to go get my card. Luckily they had it and I had enough ID to convince them it belonged to me.

Back at the Pharmacy I paid my money and proceeded to wait and wait and wait. People who had come after me, went. I sat and felt worse and worse and worse. I just wanted to burst into tears. I went and said something to the assistant, which is very unlike me. She went and spoke to the pharmacist who had done it but not realised I had come back. The assistant had told them when I returned, I had heard her.

So feeling a little sorry for myself.... I am not quite well enough to be bored and that in itself is slightly depressing. I can't remember the last time I saw so much day time TV....

Hope

Last night F made it clear he thought I should give work ago. So I did and it was dire. I felt awful. It is one thing to feel well while sat on a sofa gazing gormlessly at the TV but quite another to feel well when you have to be up and moving about, dealing with people and working. I felt very fatigued, physically exhausted and slightly fluttery.

I lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes before meeting with my Boss and coming home.

I went via the shop to stock up on easy food as I probably won't be going anywhere much for the next few days. Then I went home and called the doctor who i shall visit tomorrow.

So why am I going to the doctor? I have a virus which has knocked me about a bit and although the coldy and stomachy symptoms are gone it has laid me low. Nothing they can do about viruses... I do want to talk a little about my hormones though as this whole thing really began last week. But really I am going to the doctor so I can say to work see, I went to the doctor.

Isn't it dire? In order to feel justified in taking time off work, I have to go to the doctor knowing they can do nothing for me and I am wasting theirs and my time. This probably seems a very, very bizarre situation to those of you in countries where health care is not free. Not uncommon here though. I can't say if this says more about my feelings about being ill or whether it is a true reflection of employers attitudes to sickness.

I don't get paid for being off sick though. I have not worked there long enough. I guess that is a point in my favour... It does mean money is going to be tighter next month for me but I have lovely man... I have been good this month though. I bought my beautiful socks, which arrived today. I have bought some leg and arm warmers paid for by an unexpected payout for some previous work. The troll bracelet was paid for by birthday money. No wild excursions. No visits to friends with bottles of wine. No meals out. So hopefully it won't be too bad. Next month there is a whole bunch of overtime coming my way so December will be fine for finishing off present shopping, for those I havn't made.

I left the house and found a rainbow glinting in the sky in front of me. I caught it three more times in different places before I got to work. It is a blustery day with little showery clouds scudding across the blue sky. Rainbows to me signify hope and beauty. To see so many in such a short space of time.

When I left work I saw two magpies and then a third as I drove away. A time of change, a promise of hope and beauty. I do feel that this year in this job, I am trying to prove something, that this is only a temporary thing. Something I have to do. To not flit about. To stop searching and let my life come to me, until I know what it is I am searching for, until fate and life and synchronicity take me on somewhere else. A time to be patient. To hold down a job.

The other night I was feeling pretty down so I dragged out my tarot. Over the last few days I have done three different spreads. The onw about my life and the one about the general situation were not very interesting. Little I didn't know. The other was a spread called merlin's Mirror which is all about identifying the real you.

I had six major arcana in my reading. Most of the more mundane cards were about where I am currenly at and what I am currently doing. I had Gawain (Strength), the Washer at the Ford (Death), The Cauldron (Temperance), Sleeping Lord (Judgement), Fool and the Green Man (Devil). In my other readings I also had Merlin (Magician), White Hart (Lovers) linked to relationships and The Spiral Tower (Tower) linked to my future.

That is a pretty heavy lot of major arcana to get. Things are moving in my life under the surface and change is on it's way. I hope it is time for my dreams.

Pleading Guilty

Still feeling icky today and so is F. The gutting thing is we both arranged to have today off. Some friends are down and we spent yesterday afternoon with them and were supposed to spend today with them to. We were supposed to go visit standing stones and burial chambers and holy wells and all sorts of lovely such things.

I know I can go anytime but not to have to go by myself. To go with another witch. To have F there with another non-witchy bloke to talk bloke things to. It would have been lovely.

I havn't been ill this year really. Except for a bout of IBS after Big Dog died, I have not been ill enough to consider being off work all year, until now. And F is ill at exactly the same time as well. Do you ever get the feeling that something just wasn't meant to be?

I need to pop out though for food and to post a present to my niece for her birthday but I just don't want to get off my sofa. I have a duvet and I am warm and snug in my jim jams. There was a bit of a drizzle outside last time I looked. I just don't really want to go anywhere.

I guess it also explains why this moon has been so hard. Not just hormones but my body fighting off some nasty icky virus. F had been at work from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning so for us to get ill at the same time means we both had it before Friday.

I can't say as I am really ill, I just fel so icky and tired. I always feel guilty when I am ill, as if I should have more symptoms and a giant flourescent purple rash to justify my telling people I am ill. I lived with this for years with first glandular fever and then ME. Invisible illnesses.

Maybe I should go get a card and then crawl back to bed. Maybe I should make her wait for her pressie with a little explanation of illness and such. Maybe I can persuade F to visit the post office one day before work. Maybe I can cram it into an envelope so it sits nice and flat and can go in the post without a visit to the post office. Maybe I can take it into work, get it weighed and then just pile stamps on until I have paid enough. I just don't want to go out today.

Maybe I shouldn't push myself through guilt. And I do feel guilty. I had such a lovely time yesterday. I don't want them to think we stayed home for any other reason apart from illness. I don't want my niece to feel bad on her birthday.

Guilt seems to go so closely with illness.

Time Passes and The Circle Turns

Things still havn't really gotten going. I don't think they are going to either. I think this one will sort of stay as it is before fading away and that will be it for this month. Being fat really does affect your hormones and I know that mine have been affected. Maybe this is my body making progress towards getting back to normal, who knows. Hopefully as I get thinner and thinner my body will become as regular as clockwork with predictablity and stability and fewer hiccups.

My energy is fragile at the moment. I am happy as I wake and go off to work. I have enough energy to see me through the first few hours but then things go downhill. I run out of energy. Suddenly I am sick of everyone, grouchy, tired and fed up. If I had my way, I would not go to work on such days. I would spend them mostly alone, doing soft things at a speed suited to me. I wouldn't become overtaxed.

Last night on the way home I decided to throw the diet out the window. I bought a trashy box, some bath treats, lots of crisps and chocolate and some new brushes. I got in the bath and stayed there for four hours with my purchases (except the brushes). While I am going to stick to a post a day, i am no longer going to insist I boot up the laptop at such times...

The weather is stunning. definitely cool, with the mornings shrouded in thin mists. The skies are pastel and soft, blurred round the edges. By lunch everything feels pleasantly warm but the nights are cold. Perfect Autumn weather. Things are changing but still lovely.

I have decided that I need gloves for work. Not yet but I find that even if I am warm, cool drafts can make my joints ache. I will need to take care of my wrists and hands at work. I can't use full gloves at work because I handle plastics that get staticy and stick to me but I have seen lovely tubes which go up the arm and over the wrist with a hole for the thumb. This leaves all the fingers free to work but keeps a lot covered and warm. I think I might visit etsy...

Maybe I should invest in wooly tubes for my ankles and knees to wear under my jeans to make sure those joints stay nice and toasty as well?

Oh I lost 2 pounds this week. I wasn't so very chuffed with this because it is exactly what I gained the week before and because I was feeling grumpy and rough.

Mothballs

Not much of a post tonight. I have to go to Fat Fighters and I feel rough as rats.

My moontime still hasn't gotten going. I don't why this happens sometimes but I get a period of time when everything is saying I am ready, even a little light flow/spotting but my heavy beginning of my period just won't materialise. Until it does I will feel awful. The longer it takes the more yucky I will feel.

I wish I could just crawl in the bath and then off to bed.

I made my porridge and smoothie as usual this morning but I just couldn't face eating them. I think I had one mouthful. The chocolate and sugar cravings were very strong and I gave in. It hasn't been a red or a green day but a brown day.

I just want it to start! What is my body waiting for? The New Moon?

I am actually a New Moon person. I like this time best in the month. I think the darker more mysterious side of the Goddess is the one for me and had decided this before I realised that that tends to be my moontime. Coincidence? I am not a bright shiny person much of the time, although I have my moments. I like to step back and think more and I have been known to brood a little. Anyway time to go see if I have lost or gained. *glower*

The Colour Red

So much seems to have happened at work today but i can't really talk about it. The bizarre thing is that I didn't really care. Well i did, a little bit, but it just didn't impact on my happiness. The sun was shining, I was feeling good and nothing was going to take the pleasure of the day away from me. Certainly not the world falling apart from people I don't know or like and the knock on effects it might have on others. People have to take responsibility for the results of their own actions. I played no part in any of it.

So let's talk about hormones. Mine seem to be changing. I guess this is to be expected. Being obese has meant my hormones are a little less powerful and predictable. Last Friday I found myself in possession of a lot of annoyed energy. so I went and employed this energy usefully in a working fashion.

I think I am about to start my period. Last month it was about this time, just after the waning moon. Normally I retain water and get really heavy for about the week before and feel even more sluggish than normal. I normally get very weepy a couple of days beforehand. I put on weight last week, I havn't been feeling quite as good as I did a week or so ago (but still pretty good).

So is all that aggressive energy thing my new emotional symptom of impending hormonality? I liked feeling like that. I didn't have to stay in the office and be grumpy with people, I was able to use that energy for positive things and that felt good. It feels good to feel up to using my body a little more. And I work somewhere where there is the opportunity to.

I am not convinced that you really need to know all this... Everytime I get to this point I find myself thinking about diva cups and cloth pads. I want to use them. I want to do it, to change, to be more environmentally friendly and more skin friendly too. I need to take the plunge and just do it. I guess sometimes the thought of trying new things can be a little daunting. What if it goes wrong and I find myself with a leaking divacup at work? How long can you wear cloth pads for, do you use them just like other pads?

Did anybody else get the eek feeling before changing?

A Tale of Two Halves

This week I have started to feel quite a bit better. My sleeping has reduced. I havn't had to be in bed at ten to cope the next day. I have been waking earlier. I am no longer the person that feels cold but the one in shirt sleeves. I have been feeling bouncy and full of energy. My boss has said that I seem happier. My jeans are looser, not just on the stomach but all up the legs....

So I expected a good evening tonight at Fat Fighters. How wrong can you be..... I gained two pounds.

Maybe I am paying for last week when it was my birthday and we ate lots of bad things. Maybe my body gains and loses weight in a delay. Maybe my moon time is going to hit soon and I am retaining water. We shall see over this next week.

Still I can't very well give my troll bracelet back, it is on it's way here and I want it....

Maybe next week I will lose loads....

Fat Fighting

Tonight F and I joined fat fighters*. We received books telling us how to calculate what we should eat and how much. It is a diet of choice, so many things form option A, so many from B and all the healthy things we can eat till they come out of ears.

I was left feeling a little panicy. How do I digest all these books in time to get food in tonight so that I have something to eat tomorrow? I am out tomorrow for a roast and some alcohol, how on earth can I justify falling off the wagon before I even really got on?

I at once have too much info in my hands and not enough because what I have, I have to make apply to me and quickly. I also am going to have to adjust my intake of calcium pretty radically. Being a non-milk sort of a person, I top up on calcium rich foods when I have cravings and not generally before. But now cheese and milk are going to be forced into my diet whether I much like it or not.... Or at least, having not read much, that is how it seems...


Anyway, I have many books to read and a pizza to eat(it starts tomorrow).


*not the real name of the group in question but a fictional name taken from the TV series Little Britain...

Being Fat

I wanted to write a little about being fat. I want to articulate and put out there all the reasons why I don't want to be fat any more and maybe it will help with me changing that... F and I are going to join a slimming group. Not next week because he will be working but hopefully the week after that....

My Nan, my Mum's Mum, is a fit lady who has never been particularly overweight. An avid gardener, she has an amazing veg patch. Her diet has always been pretty good but despite this, in her twilight years she has developed diabetes. It doesn't cause much difficulty for her, she has to avoid doughnuts a little but she hasn't had to alter too much.

My Mum turned 60 and seemed to suddenly develop a list of health complications. She has been overweight ever since she had us kiddies. Now she has high blood pressure, underactive thyroid and diabetes. She hasn't, despite her best efforts, been able to control her diabetes without medication. Given the changes she has made to her life, I find this pretty sad. She is a nurse and she knows exactly where her diabetes could take her.

My sister has never been as big as me but she had a little excess. My Mum's health has spurred her into losing weight and she looks really good. My Mum had had a conversation with her and pointed out that she was at risk if she didn't do something, and so she did.... My family no longer have the conversations with me about my weight, they know I know and they know it is just too hard....

So how fat am I? Very fat. I am tall and broad so I get away with it a little in some ways. I can carry a little extra and people wouldn't really notice.

So what affects does it have on me? The one I hate most is that my ankles swell up. Most days by the time I get home and take my boots off my ankles are the size of balloons with ring indentations made by the tops of my socks. They hurt. It is a sign that my heart is having problems pumping and fluid is collecting in my extremities because my heart can't shift it.

My heart isn't working so well really either. I know my resting heart rate is phenomenal. It wouldn't take much exercise to push my heart rate through the roof. Sometimes i feel like it misses a beat, sometimes I have other strange sensations.

Breathing is obviously affected. If I exert myself I breath very, very heavily. Walking at a normal pace up one flight of stairs or a shallow incline is enough to do it.

I feel tired a lot of the time. I have no stamina.

My hormones are all over the place and sometimes they get very mucked up and my moontimes go all funny. I want children once we marry but would probably struggle to get pregnant as I am now.

I have a skin condition called Hydradenitus Surritiva (roughly - I know I can't spell it!) which cause my skin to break out in certain areas. I have had it thin or fat since I was seven. I know it improves when I am thinner, although it never actually goes. I am sort of used to the pain and discomfort but it would be nic enot to have it...

Getting comfortable can be tricky. Turning over at night requires a lot fo effort. I don't always fit in chairs very well. In the cinema I need my chair and both arm rests. My bum is huge so in straight back chairs I feel like I am reclining.

Then there is the issue of clothes. I hate clothes shopping. Most shops don't sell big enough sizes and the ones that do tend to have a bit of an old woman feel sometimes. I find it hard to get boots and things that fit. Buying pretty things that are comfortable as well is not always easy. Looking nice takes a real effort.

Reaching my feet to put on my shoes is tricky and requires a lot of effort....

Being fat restricts my life. I don't do a lot of things because I am fat.

So even though I have yet to develop any serious complications it still affects my life, a lot. And I will develop complications and I will develop them younger than my Mum because I am much, much fatter than her.

Why am I fat? I comfort eat. I like the sensation of a full stomach. I use sugary foods to boost my energy levels. I also think being fat is in itself a protective thing. I don't want men to fancy me. I don't want the hassle that comes with it. I don't get sexual innuendo or inapropriate behaviour or men behaving oddly because they want to go out with me. Other women i work with do. I see it. I don't want men touching me uninvited. I am precious about my personal space.

But I can't let my fear ruin my health and my life. It has to be time....

Pain and Pleasure

I had a goal that this week I would book a massage and play a board game with F. I have failed to do both. F doesn't want to play any board games and right now I don't feel like making him. You see, on the way home (he had picked me up because he wanted my car for the day) he surprised me by informing me I had a massage that evening - and he paid for it!

Thing is, it has been a while and it has knocked me for six. Very tired now. I didn't feel hungry tonight either. She told me off for leaving it too long and to be fair, she is more than right.... So I have no need to book one!

I have had Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk arrive today and I have Widdershins by Charles de Lint and Martha Beck's Joy Diet on the way. I like books and thanks to everyones lovely suggestions, it just keeps growing and growing....

I am very intrigued by the whole Tara thing, it feels significant and I intend to explore this all much more - but not tonight... My bed calls!