A Quilt of People

i am sat here watching the Eurovision Song Contest. For those elsewhere who may not know about this, I shall endeavour to describe it a little...

This is a song contest that takes place in Europe each year. Each country sends someone to perform a song previously unperformed to represent their country. When I was a child it took place on one night but now there are semi-finals over two nights before the final contest. With the dissolution of the old Russia empire and the splitting of some communist countries the number of eligible countries has soared. Some countries from outside normaly accepted borders of Europe also take part, including Israel and Morocco.

Four countries do not take part in the semi-finals because they supply large amounts of cash towards the running of the contest and took part right from the contests beginning. The UK is one of these. I have no idea if this is fair or not really but what definitely isn't fair is the political voting that has in previous years ensured that the best song doesn't win. Certain groups of countries always support each other. Sometimes countries whose relations are less than cordial support each other. Voting can be a fascinating political insight.... In order to try and get away from this half of the score will be from voting and the other from an independent panel this year... Let's hope it becomes a more light hearted contest where the best song is able to win....

Sitting here watching it though. I am reminded of what a tiny part of Europe we are, this little nest of islands. We have our own European culture but we also have much in common with the USA and Canada. It is easy, sat here sometimes, to forget how diverse Europe is. National dress varies, even in glitzy modern form. People look different, Scandinavians are often blond, Italians and Spaniards are often dark haired. Polish people often have very interesting cheekbones.

For all our differences in looks, culture and politics, the contest is a reminder of how much alike we are. United by pop and fashion. Well nearly anyway.... It is like a lovely old patchwork quilt. Maybe some pieces of fabric go well together and others don't but put it altogether and you have something that is sooo much more than any one small part. Each fabric comes with a story or two. I am part of this.

So far I am liking Greece's entry the most but Armenia was pretty good too.....

The UK has become a little disenchanted with the contest though. Terry Wogan, a lovely Irishman, has retired from being our commentator and has been suceeded by another lovely Irishman, Graham Norton. Wogan's comments on the political voting were one of the most amusing parts.....

In an attempt to try and turn it back into a contest the UK have rallied and summoned the very best entry we can... We had a TV series hosted by Andrew Lloyd Webber who has written a song and I think is going to play the piano in the entry too... The winner of the series, Jade, was selected by us and we are behind her all the way.... Maybe we will make it into the top half of the score board this year....

Past

Last night we were out with friends and during the conversation I discovered that one of them had a very different past from the one I expected. His previous jobs were a little more unusual than I expected and possibly a little more on the seedy side too (but not illegal or anything!). Is this a problem? No I don't think so. He is a very, very strong character and I think the things he has done and the places he has been have added to him. He has moved beyond them now and made very different choices. This takes a lot of strength and personality.....

He doesn't hide who he is and he holds no prisoners. If you don't like who he is then that isn't a problem to him. This makes me feel ashamed a little. I don't hide my past but I don't put it out there either. The chances of people guessing, these days, where I have been and what I have done, is slim. I am a large, unfit 30 something lady who doesn't really drink much, enjoys walking her dog and doing crafts. People find it hard to look beyond the now to see the past.... I exploit this I think.

I would like to say I never did anything illegal, but, well that wouldn't be true. The things I did though, were primarily designed to hurt myself and not others. I kept the things I got up to away from family and friends from elsewhere, as far as I could.

So why did this all happen? What happened to the studious, friendly and rather respectable school girl? As normal there was a man or two tied up in it all. At 18 I had an unpleasant boyfriend and his actions destroyed my view of the world forever. I had been very logical and naive in many ways and the strong Christian view of the world I had been taught really did not protect my psyche from his actions. Destroying how someone sees the world so completely was probably not how he intended things to happen but for me it was a hard blow to recover from.

At 19 another man came along and he was a good and nice man who helped me a lot. As my head slowly unravelled he was there and tried to help hold me together. He was however himself a rather disturbed man and he opened some doors in my life that should have remained shut. I chose to walk through.

All these things combined and I unravelled completely, body and soul. I did little but sleep as glandular fever ravaged my body. I began the slow task of putting my mind and body back together. I read. Books of different spiritual systems. Self help books. Anything that might help add another piece to the jigsaw that slowly grew in my head as I healed. This new world view was much more flexible than my old Christian one. It grows and breathes and flexs with me.

My relationship was doomed, as was my life in the city and one day i left never to return to the city really. I think i can count on my fingers and thumbs all the times I have stepped foot in a city since then. I slowly made my way here to Cornwall. Loneliness and a lack of hobbies drove me into a strange life, half party girl, half industrious student. Alcohol played a large part and cigarettes.

It has taken me a long time to get where I am. Who I was no longer shows. People would not guess. I rarely think of it. It is always there though, the past is something we always carry. Do i regret the things I did? No, i don't think I do. I learnt a lot and moved on and became the person I am and they bought me here and I like it here. Would I ever suggest someone do what I did? Not a chance!

I could say more, but I shan't not today. I don't think this subject is dead for me though. I still grieve the girl I was in the long ago before.

A Friend Indeed

Today i realised that sometimes I am a bad friend. Not intentionally but by accident....

At college there was a little group of four of us that got on and all these years later we are still friends. We will probably always be friends. Since college we don't meet as often as we should. Maybe every few months we get together and we always have a whale of a time. We always say we should do it more often and, well, we never do....

A couple of weeks ago I bumped into one of them, I suggested going for coffee but she didn't have time but we agreed we would another time. Via email we arranged to meet and today was the day. Only three of us could make it.

The third one of us is someone I haven't seen in months and today I discovered that she has been having an awful time and is very, very unhappy. Of course we are here for her to contact but she didn't feel able to. A lack of regular meeting up meant we didn't realise things had gone a little upside down and we weren't around to help.

We have arranged to meet again for coffee after work in a couple of weeks time and hopefully our fourth will be able to make it. I think today bought home to me and the second that we need to do this more because how can we help and be friends to each other and be there if we don't see each other?

Thing is, we have suspected the fourth one of us may have been having problems for a while and she has avoided the last couple of meetings for various reasons.

These people are like family and we all live and work within a relatively small area. We love spending time together. OK, so weekends can be a little busy, but after work is perfect. Even all of our partners get on really well. But you can't be there for someone if you never see or speak to them. Today I realised this has to change.

It!

The task of this tag feels very appropriate today following the current discussion on bliss....

The lovely Ann has tagged me and this tag comes with tasks...

List six things that make you happy and then tag six bloggers.... Again with the no obligation thing....

Soooo happy....

1) Seeing how pleased my dog is to see me when I get in and having a lovely cuddle with her.

2) Having a bath with a good book, some lovely bath products, some chocolate and a cup of tea.

3) A brisk windy walk in the sand dunes when the sand is flying and the sun is thinking about going down.

4) Spending good time with the man, even if we are just in a shop together....

5) When I create something and I actually like it....

6) Eating a really, really gooood meal....

And for the blogs... only 6! How can I choose? I have no criteria to choose by..... And I could choose anyone... I think I should try and only choose those who might want to write about happiness....

So here goes!

Mel
Leone
Sue
Suzi
Moonroot
Sam

It worries me that I am starting to tag the same people but there are two in there who I have never tagged before.... I like tags which say choose so many blogs that such and such.....

Bliss (Word Wednesday)

Supreme happiness, utter joy or contentment.

OK so in my mind I had an image of bliss as being less about contentment and more about sensation, but no... It is not just happiness and contentment it is way beyond....

So what makes me happy and contented?

A good solid hug.

A sunrise or sunset.

Walking barefoot at the beginning of a summers day and feeling hte dew and mud between my toes.

That feeling on the first day of some time off when you first wake up and then realise you don't have to get out of bed.

A lovely hot bath and a good book.

A good meal.

When S gives me a hug or tells me he loves me.

Making things.

Learning stuff.

Walking barefoot along the edge of the sea.

A windy wild evening and a walk somewhere open.

Bats flying at twilight.

Watching wood peckers feed.

A good evening with friends.

Squeezing a good spot (sorry...)

A good book.

A good film.

Listening to some of my favourite music.

Nature and being out in nature with the sun on my face and wind in my hair.

But bliss? Do any of these thing make me soooo happy, I experience bliss? Have I ever felt bliss?

No, I don't think so.... Am I seeking bliss? No, I don't think so. Seeking bliss conjures up images of hedonistic cretins seeking a chemical high or materialistic fulfilment or both. Ordinary contentment will do me fine.... Maybe if I manage to achieve that all the time, I might start seeking bliss.....