The Next Step

I guess it is probably time I posted here again. Just to say I have a new home. While one path may end, the Path never does, it just moves on, as paths do....

Follow me or not, but don't expect it to be exactly the same as here....

End of the Road

I guess this is a good bye post.

Not just a good bye though but the consideration and explanation that has developed since I actually went....

I am a Libran. I have two distinct sides of everything within my personality. I am mostly one thing but every so often my balance flips and I am something completely different. Sometimes those things are complete opposites and people can find this a little bewildering. Heck, I do to sometimes.

I am scientist. I am rational, logical, analytical etc etc. In being that, I think I had neglected the other side of me for a while, the spiritual, creative side. The logical bit hadn't got me where I wanted to go either, life had not quite worked out the way somehow I thought it should.

Last was, I think a reaction to these facts. That other side of me needed to come out and play. To be top dog and the number one focus. It was long over due and I was pissed off with being logical and blah de blah, where had that gotten me?

So that was what last year was all about, creativity, nature and spirituality. It was a lovely year and I learnt a lot. But something was missing, some spark of excitement, some something. The lists helped carve my life into what I wanted it to be, a more perfect me, with a perfect life. All very worthy and lovely. And it was great....

But I can not stay in that spiritual place, not all the time, my logical side can't live there, so I can't either. Now you might think this means everything spiritual has gone. It hasn't. it is there but back held close. I still see magpies and read their omens but it is just a part of me. My logical side can ignore it, just part of life. All of the little things are just there now, they have been assimilated back into me.

I may find my self rhyming a few words and saying them with intent on occasion. Last year that would have been a spell and something to really think about and pore over. This year it just is.

Last year I wanted to become things other than I was. I wanted to be a witch. I wanted to be a crafts person. I wanted to be so many things.... well read, well traveled, well everything. I am not a witch, I am nothing with a label apart from my name. My spirituality is my own, even if it is not on overt show any more.

And being a Libran I can affect this shift with little more than a blink of an eye. I could feel it coming though, but I had no idea what it was exactly. but I am back to being the person I was before, almost....

It leaves me a little uncomfortable with some aspects of last year. Some of the directions I was going are ones I would shy away from very heavily right now. And i can't but help think this is the way things are supposed to be for me. All the things where I was going to make some commitment, have some real deep starting on this path, just never quite happened....

The witchy friend who visited was not able to spend any real time with me as I became very ill. The shamaness who was going to start tutoring me via email a little, never quite got round to beginning. The group I started to pursue such things and look at doing the Witch Alone book failed, in part due to the actions of a friend who could have supported it but chose instead to detract from it. All these little things, now seem to me to be lifes way of stopping me from traveling a path that is not really mine. And really, it isn't...

It was like a holiday path.... A time away....

Apart from time to bring my spirituality out and play it gave me a few other wonderful gifts. Most notably, writing....

As I have mentioned before, I pay the highly adictive World of Warcraft and I roleplay my character. My new character has developed an entire story and personality of her own. She grows of her own accord, like my stories do. Every so often I reach a part of her story which sings to be written down and I do. I never knew where my writing would take me and that same spirit lives in her, I never know where she is going to end up either.

i love this story side of things. Chance events and interactions with other characters alter her life. A friend choosing not to date someons and persuading her that she should go out with him instead has somehow ended up in her capturing the heart of one of the most notorious womanisers on my server. Not something you could predict. (they are not a womaniser in real life, it is just this one particular character that is)

So writing lives on, I am creative, I am spiritual.... Just not in the same way as last year. This blog is a slightly uncomfortable place for me now. It doesn't fit me well any more, not at all.

I love all the dear people I have met through it and my rejection of this blog, may feel like a rejection of you. It isn't (but it may well look like one *sigh*). I just think that with this side of me, sort of going back in it's box, so many things associated with it have gone with it...

I will try and keep in contact with some of you via email but I have to admit I am pretty bad at keeping in contact....

And some of you may think this a strange way to be, but it is not new to me. I walk through a door and i tend to let it close behind me... New jobs, new homes, new areas of the world to live in. Maybe there is alittle bit of gypsy blood somewhere in my soul.

So I wish you all the very best *hugs*

Playing Games

Two days in a row!

I think my re-immersion in the world of gaming is waning slightly. It is no secret to me that I have previously had a gaming addiction. When you game it can take over. There is always something interesting to do. There is always someone around.

I stopped playing because I got bored. Because I wanted my life back. Things had happened and we had left our friends and gone to a different server where we were unknown. On returning we returned to our old server and found many old friends. The ones we liked less seem to have vanished and certainly have no impact on us now.

I am avoiding progressing through the game too quickly because my issues stemmed from that. Raiding is an activity where a whole bunch of people get their characters together and go fight together. The people in the group take different roles, they have different strengths and weaknesses. For instance healers spend their time healing. I was a warrior and my role was tank. I had huge amounts of armour and my job was to make everything angry so it attacked me and not the less armoured people who could do lots of damaged. The healer would be tasked with keeping me standing and everyone depended on me.

A lot of tanks have big egos and at the very least they have enough certainty in themselves to lead the groups they are in. I wanted others to lead but was happy to tank. I never pretended to be an amazing tank and never wanted to be part of big raiding guild and be their main tank. A lot of people would love that. Not me.

My trouble began because I found myself in a guild (a group of people affiliated with each other for things such as raiding) that wanted to raid and wanted me to be right up there with them. I was not up to it and slowly crumbled under their attentions.

So now, here I am again and the initial grip of the game is waning. Enough so I am back in control. I can turn that computer off or do other things on it. Like read books and things. Go for walks. Whatever I want.

I happily put myself back into this. With everything going on, a little immersion and avoidance seemed like a good thing. It has been a good thing for me right now. I wish I was so sure this return was a good thing for F though. I am not sure being sat at a computer in the same room as him, also sat at a computer is really together time. Things will turn in their circle though.

I have found my time blogging and all things I did because of it has helped my game playing though. I do roleplaying. My characters are separate from me, with their own stories. I am finding that their characters and stories are flowing far more easily, they have a life of their own. My current character is different from previous ones because she is not just a version of myself. She may draw on previous experiences of mine but her story is her own and I have no idea where it will take her.

I just want my life to be balanced and I see no reason why a little gaming can't be part of a healthy life.

This year I am asking for nothing. I have no expectations. I am not trying to do or be or achieve anything. I did lots of that last year. Not that that was wrong but this year is a very different year and the path is going to go some very different places. I am not saying it is going to be a bad year. The past few years have been a bit samey, but everything in me says this year is not going to be the same. I think many things are going to happen this year and I don't know what or why or anything but there is something about this year. I have the sense that this year is going to be different. A little gaming will not interfere with my path but it might make things easier. Wonder where I am going. Maybe nowhere. Maybe to Timbuktu.

I still don't know what sort of page I need. My sense of where I am and where I am going is still undefined but not an issue. My foot is on some path but as yet I don't where I am headed. Things are happening but I am not doing much.

I have been ill again. I think my lungs are weak from last time and this latest cold has settled a little in my chest. I have little voice but feel alright really and have been at work. I actually got to walk Little Dog yesterday as I snuck out of work early, I desperately needed some air and that hasn't felt so possible recently.

So here we are on New Year's Eve. The New Year starts tomorrow. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. It feels as if this year has already turned into the next for me. As if it has been in a pause waiting to get going maybe but that the old year has passed. Christmas has also felt lacking this year.

I know it sounds as if i might be direly unhappy but really, everything is just ticking along nicely. The redundancy thing is not resolved but I don't think I will be going. I am not sure many people who don't want to go will be going as it happens. I am not sure staying will be a happy thing long term but let's just wait and see.

My creative juices have receeded as well. Fallow is the word. I find whenever I look at Amused Grace's blog, that I am very, very much feeling the mood of each new goddess of the week.

I want to say a big thank you to all my lovely blog friends and to give a huge apology for being so out of touch, both in not reading their blogs and not being forthcoming in my own communications. I am sure I will be back at some point but so much on this blog feels like baggage. The list of things to do will be gone but I like the list of books read.

So lets just sit back and see where my feet take me. So here I am, stepping in to the future.

A Fresh Page

Thank you all for your lovely words that show that you truly get it... It is I think all about needing a fresh page when your life turns a corner. This blog carries with it a whole weight of things, thoughts and tasks and it is time to start afresh. Or at least to shed the things I no longer need.

I do miss you all but I am not quite sure where I am or who I am right now but I am also not to fussed by that. When it all starts anew, you shall of course know where and when and how.

I am not the only one being hit by this turning. SO many things I love seem to be turning too right now....

The Seasons Turn

People often complain that so many companies do the whole redundancy thing in the run up to Christmas. That it does not fit the season. I am coming to disagree. The timing feels perfect, if you let it. The year is ending and so is this phase of employment. As winter progresses, I am in a lull, waiting for decisions to be made. With Spring I find myself growing into something else and by Summer I shall be grown into a new role or a new job and place. Things change and turn and what will be, will be.

I am finding that other things have changed as well though. Suddenly this blog feels dead to me. As if it's time is done. Maybe a new blog will start with the turning of the year. If it does, it might be somewhat different to this one. This one might not be ending, it might flower anew. Suddenly I am not feeling so witchy. Not that I lost my faith, just that it is showing s different face. I just am at the moment.

Don't be worrying. I am just walking a different path, listening to a different tune. I have yet to see what way it will take me. I am not unhappy, I am just going with the flow..... In fact there is a pleasure and contentedness all of it's own that comes with that.

Update

It all sort of sucks and is a little on the rotten side. Maggots roil under the surface and an information vacuum allows lies to spread. It is an ugly process at the best of times but it doesn't fell as if it is being well managed which just makes it worse. They should let us grieve the loss of our security and our family group with dignity and truth.

Outside of work, I am practicing avoidance and quite enjoying it too. World of Warcraft is fun all over again. Old friends, fun things to do and roleplay - story telling and acting on the hoof. I have even put my story telling to good use with some rather altered fairy tales adapted to the world of Azeroth.

Work is hard. Some people are angry and not entirely playing nice. Others are miserable and bring you down too. Others show good spirit and are still able to have a good laugh. I think you learn a lot at times like this. Mr Nice is not neccessarily so nice when he feels his back is against the wall.

In addition my role feels hard. My work seems to have gone through the roof and normal delays have been longer. I shaer my role with the Little Princess who is a temp which means she will be out the door sooner than any of th rest of us. Not a good motivational tool.... The last two nights have seen overtime and tomorrow will too.

Not sure what I need right now is more time at work but hey ho..... At least I have F. I don't have the worries some people have. I am so thankful for that. So unbelievably thankful.

An Ugly Word

The way things have been up and down at work began to make sense this week. My Boss's strange moods suddenly make more sense.

Things have gone bad. Very bad... and they are going to get ugly...

My company is ditching part of it's business that has been making a loss and this involves redundancies. It involves a lot of them. 40% of my team will go. We are one of three areas to be hit but other individuals have also been targetted and some have already gone. So now we get scored, given the opportunity for voluntary redundancy etc, etc.

Thing is, once you announce such things to customers, things tend to pick up speed. Those who may have been shown the door after Christmas, may now be shown the door before, who knows?

It is a nasty process. Friends go, teams get broken up and you face either job loss or a role that will likely prove hellish for a time.

I suspect I may not post here for a bit. I don't want to think or dwell right now. I want distraction and avoidance. I have more than enough time to be miserable at work and much of what I would have to say would not be appropriate on an anonymous blog....

I love you all dearly and will be back, so never fear. And I am alright, I think I am one of the lucky ones, whatever happens to me.

Anger

The other day, the lovely Leone mentioned a few things that correspond with ear problems. The one that resonates with me is anger as I know I have long had an issue with it.

When i was seven i changed schools. I hadn't been happy in the previous one but I was even less happy in the new one. I started to have problems with my temper. Something would happen and I would see red and completely lose all control. My arms would windmill and I would hit anything in my path. Immediately afterwards I would be devastated and cry a lot.

This went for I don't know how long. Some of my classmates were amused by my temper and would deliberately try and make me lose it. I hated it. Eventually I got it under control. So completely that I just stopped getting angry. In fact I took it further than this.

I was desperately unhappy and decided that hard decisions were best made using logic rather than emotion. That life should be lived by doing whatever caused the least hurt. An ethical and moral thing I guess but one that tried to let me distance my feelings from my life. A little odd I guess for the average teenager.

I am not sure I was overly successful at this. Hard to say really. Certainly it didn't last as I was firmly emotional by the time I was doing my A-levels. Some of this philosophy has remained with me I guess and by thinking about these things, it helped me realise that giving people what they want is not always what is best for them, balance is the key.

Later on I began to realise that anger was strangely absent in me. I began looking at myself quite seriously because of other things that happened. I had counselling. At the end of one session, I was soooo angry, for no apparent reason. I went home and my man assisted. We took broken things outside for me to trash. Much fun. It wasn't enough though. So we had a a shouting and insulting row. It was so vile sounding that one of our housemates came from the ground floor extension up to our attic room to make sure we were OK....

A friend did an exercise with me where different seats in the room were different aspects of me and my anger so that I could in effect have a conversation with my anger by changing seats. This was a very powerful exercise and it really worked.

I remember that my anger was sad and it had been trying to protect me. It had been the anger of a young girl and it didn't understand that it was causing me more pain. I think I welcomed it back and tried to make peace with this part of myself.

It still isn't something I do very well.. I do grumping very well. I do frustrated very well. I do sad very well. I do happy pretty well too. But anger isn't something I do well, even now. I am not the most assertive. I can grumble behind peoples backs but actually getting proper angry with them, to their face.

Yes right now i am angry and frustrated with my Boss, but do I actually want to act on this? Not really. What is the adult way of allowing your anger to breath? Not sure really. If I am still repressed, then I am not as repressed as I used to be.... Maybe it isn't repression but control?

Signs of Hope

I know I have probably said this before but, as much as I hate my job right now, I still don't quite think the time has come to jump. I have had a habit of jumping ship rather easily in the past. Sometimes of necessity as a habitual temp, jobs do end and new ones begin, but I have also prematurely left a lot of positions....

In my younger days I had a habit of leaving jobs after 4 months cos I started to get bored. My longest length of time in a single position is a year. There are one or two places where I have been for longer periods but in different roles at different times. Places I have gone back to.

Sometimes my jumping ship has in effect cut off my nose to spite my face. Looking back I wonder why I did that, why I left there before I had drained it dry of benefit, before I had a real peach of a job to go on to. When I graduated I had a job, one of the places I kept going back to but my Boss left as they finally had enough of their Boss and had a very nice job offer. Without my buffer and friend I was the direct target of the Over-Boss and after my first tongue lashing I decided that I was not going to stick around. I think leaving that job and not pursuing the links I made signed a death warrant on any hopes of a career in Environmental Science I might have had, at least so far it has...

I feel as if I have something to prove by staying put, by enduring, by demonstrating that i can put down roots, that I can.... That it is needful somehow, although the whys and wherefores have not been made clear to me. I might be completely insane in this but I feel as if I will know when it is time to go, that something will happen, there will be some sign.

All the signs right now are suggesting hope and future happiness while saying now is not quite the time.....

I left the house to find a pair of magpies eating on the pavement opposite. I got to the shop to find a beautiful and vivid rainbow in the sky. Marc Coen's song Walking in Memphis came on and this always speaks to me of hope and tells me I am in the right place. Then at lunch, two more magpies, in a bush nestled together. I got to and from my car inbetween hale showers, yay for not getting wet! And afterwards there was another rainbow in the sky.

Hope springs eternal and maybe soon my dreams with be able to blossom..... Maybe it is nearly time. Maybe....

The History of Ears

When I was a little girl I often used to get ear infections. Every cold bought one. I have been told I missed a lot of school. I was also told that i was lucky to live in an age of antibiotics because otherwise i would very lucky have ended with impaired hearing.

One day I was told I was going to have my adenoids out and i would have to go into hospital. I was not a normal little girl and I was very, very excited to be going into hospital. So excited that when i felt some strange bumps in my hair on that all important morning, I didn't tell my Mum.

Once I was at the hospital and settled in, the bumps started to become noticeable and spread all over me. My Mum being a nurse, knew what they were as soon as she saw them. Chickenpox. The daft thing was they wouldn't let me go home before I had seen a doctor, so my infectious body remained in the ward full of pre-op children for some hours. My Mum felt very, very awkward about this....

The next time, I was not nearly so enthusiastic as my op was scheduled for the time in which my school was going to the East of England Show. I had never been and I was going to miss it. I was a bit cross. That is about all I remember of it to be honest. Not half as memorable as my first attempt....

The ear aches and colds and sessions with the nurses syringe became less frequent but didn't vanish. I remember some nasty ear aches. Falling asleep with my ear on Oswald, the crocodile hot water bottle. I remember being a young student in a flat in the city, doped up to my eyeballs on painkillers being woken by drunk flatmates who had brought some young chaps home. That was when i discovered that any painkillers with the word co in their description tend to zonk me out.

The next big thing was when i first moved to Cornwall. I decided to satisfy a life long ambition and learn to scuba dive. We had completed weeks of training in a swimming pool and it was the day of our first open water dive. We had not been down very long and we were not particularly deep when it happened.

My head went boom and then I felt the inrush of water. Everything went very, very strange. I couldn't tell up from down. I focused really, really hard on something, a rock I think, trying to ignore everything else around. Without closing my eyes or looking away, the rock would suddenly be somewhere else. Everything must have settled pretty quick because i was still with the others and no one had noticed a thing.

I signalled to one of the leaders that I wanted to go up. Once there, i couldn't tell them what was wrong so reluctantly I went back down. We rejoined the group and completed the dive. Once up, i explained what had happened and then my mate and I went to buy a woolie hat to keep my ears warm.

I was lucky that I was not sick. I was lucky I did not loose my respirator. I was in shock.

I went to watch a rugby match that afternoon and then when i was back in my room I found my ear was starting to bleed. I found a sober student who had a car and off we went. I guess the diagnosis shouldn't have been a shock but it was. A burst ear drum.

The next week was very fuzzy. Noise hurt. I slept. My ear produced some interesting things. I later learnt that the hall cleaners had been keeping a close eye on me. Not sure any of the other students were mature enough to really understand what was going on. I had four lots of antibiotics in total, each with a longer and nastier list of possible side affects than the one before.

It took nearly a year for the ear drum to repair and for the hole to be gone. A year of no swimming and care with water. I did go to places with loud music so I probably did damage my hearing a little....

So here I am again and this time, it is not so bad, six weeks to mend apparently. so only a little hole. Noise doesn't hurt and there was no catastrophic event affecting my balance. In fact I have no idea when it happened exactly. Not too bad really....

I have a long time to get used to the fact that i will probably have some hearing difficulties later in life.... I have them right now though too.... One ear has an ear plug and the other has a large dose of ear wax. All just temporary....

Fear

Fear holds us back and makes us miss opportunities. Then we get cross because we are missing out....

Some friends took an opportunity to join a larger group. I held back because I had some not so good experiences in a similar group. In fact some of the people I like from the old group are in this new group. So I held back and my two buddies jumped on in and now I feel a little left out. There they are having experiences and coversations and fun that I am not.

Of course, any time I want I can go for it and join to.... But I don't really want to, I just want my mates back, all to myself. Greedy.... Selfish.... I don't want to share them. I don't want to open myself up to all that. I also don't want to get that involved. I am dabbling a toe. Trying to be half involved.

I am not sure this is an old theme for me either. I worked on a few projects while at Uni. One of these was a contract that bought me in contact with potential employers. I had to finish graduating but I had a couple of people in different organisations interested in employing me. When I graduated there were a coupld of lecturers who suggested sending CV's to a couple of places. Did I do any of these things? No.

I worked some dead end jobs instead.... Some opportunities do evaporate if you let them, but friendship, if it is true, never should.....

Chain Reaction

So many little things......

Some good, some bad.

A beautiful tea, Marks and Spencers Enchiladas. Lovely. I am completely stuffed and happy right now. Sated.

I had to go to the pharmacy late and the only one open was on a retail park, With a Marks and Spencers next door.

I went to the Doctor and he looked at both my ears and said the reason I am not hearing so well when I put my ear plug in the ear with the burst drum is that the other one is full of wax for which I can use drops.

Work insisted last week that I go back to my Doctor to make sure I had the correct information regarding my ear and noise.

When I booked the appointment, i booked it for out of work hours as I try to do with all my appointments.

Later on i had a dentists appointment which was in work time. I was two hours late but my boss knew the time and place of my appointment so should not have been surprised.

Later, my co-worker got sent home an hour early to enjoy an early start to the weekend while I got a telling off for being so late and was informed I had to make up the hours.

As I was going to the Doctor, I stayed late at work and did the first half of my time making up.

At the Doctor's I explained that work was insisting I came back for further guidance, i explained what I was doing, all of which he agreed with and he wrote a letter to my work to, in his words, 'shut them up'.

When my Boss returns there will be a note booking annual leave for my next dentist appointment. Once bitten twice shy. The rules change and I am not going to play that game.

*********

Writing this, what do I see? Bad has to have a source, it constantly renews itself from something. Bad needs effort and work. Good on the otherhand reproduces if you let it, from a little starting event you get a lovely enchilada tea, but only if you are open to it.

Love is....

Writing about love last night made me think about a book I was shown once. It was a book of wedding photographs taken in a American registry office following the legalisation of same sex marriage. I believe, from what I remember, that people queued to get married as soon as possible.

People in their twilight years who had lived together all their lives were there. People dressed up. Men. Women. Young and old and everything inbetween. The one thing these photos show is that love really has nothing to do with looks or age or anything else. Oh and another thing, all of these people were happy. Some of them had never expected to be able to marry. It is a book of what love looks like. It looks like people.

Love comes in so many forms. We only have one word for it in English but I remember from my Latin lessons in school that they had more, it might have been three, because I can remember three. Eros, or passionate love, Phileo which if spelt right, is friendly love and agape, which is sort of a love for everything a more spiritual sort of a love. Except when I look it up these are actually Greek, not Roman, and there is another one, Storge which is the love a parent has for a child.

I think all of us would recognise these different types of love, so why don't we have more words for them? Why do we lump them all together? What sort of love do I have? Eros, sometimes but it is not the dominant form. Phileo, definitely. Not sure if this describes how I feel, but hey...

So why did the Greeks have such a desire to define different types of love and we don't? Well they had a love of philosophy and thinking but I guess I don't know enough about their society to know more than that... Why don't we distinguish so much? I think as a society we can be a little confused about love.

It seems to me that I spent a large part of my teens and twenties thinking that mere eros was something other.... Is it any wonder though with the lack of distinction we make and the portrayal of love in the media? Love in families also seems warped at times. Parents spoil children and children grow up thinking they are the centre of the universe and the rules bend around them.

I am not saying children should live without love or praise or anything positive but I also think they shouldn't be just given everything. I think a bit of work and effort helps them to value what they have. I think children should be allowed to climb trees and scrape their knees. So what if they fall and break an arm? The chances of it happening are slim and we have the technology to deal with it efficeintly.

But family love seems to be all about smothering in so many instances these days. About children ruling the roost and not about balance at all.... I am thinking of my niece and nephew here a bit and I know it is a common thing...

I like love though. I think everyone does.

Love

I am not sure what to write tonight, except that I feel sad.

I miss F, who has been at work since early this morning and won't return till tomorrow morning. These strange shifts he does, sometimes I miss him more than others and right now I miss him a lot.

We always watched Strictly Come Dancing together and loved it but this year, so many times our viewing comments have had to be communicated by text as he sits at work (if he is lucky) and watches and I sit at home with Little Dog. The texting is fun and amusing but not as nice as having him here.

I have spoken with him three times by phone (and no that is not be being a clingy woman that was him calling me *laugh*). And we always talk at bedtime. But right now I want a hug.

Life feels tough right now. It was never going to be easy going back to work, not after being ill like that. It was always going to leave me drained and low, and it has. Things just feel so tricky right now though....

I have no idea where I am on a few things. One day i think one thing and the next it is all different. I think i currently have a difficult Boss / Friend thing going on. I think they have some feelings towards me right now concerning my having been off for so long. I think also that they feel they have to be a certain way but they keep over stepping the mark. They did so again on Friday and I wasn't overly surprised to receive a text about how fantastic I am with lots of good wishes.....

Tuesday I received a half hour phone call.

To be honest it is a bit unsettling. I like to know what the rules are and play by them but right now I don't feel as even I know. It seems they keep changing and different rules apply to different people. This is hard when the friend is also your Boss.

I am so glad I have F. We have a solid sort of a relationship. I am not saying the rules never change but we meet as equals so any rule changing can be talked about. Things do not flip all over the place. He is my rock and I love him. He is the only one I need. All my other friends are luxuries and all of them added together could never replace him in my life.

I am not sure if I have said much about how we got together or anything like that but I am a firm believer in love at first sight these days. I didn't used to me. To be honest it is a slightly scary thing, or it was for me, who had allowed myself a number of relationships with less than pleasant men. You have to trust and see where it takes you and hope.

Can everyone fall in love at first sight? No idea. I think you have to be open to it. Someone has to have faith and follow it up. I have to say, it wasn't me that did that, it was F, and I was busy running off in the other direction...

Just watched a program called Misfits. A bunch of teens do community service for deeds against the law but get hit by a storm which gives them and others strange abilities. One of them meets a volunteer and has a wild night with her. Only it turns out she is actually an old lady, made young by the storm, but part way through she becomes old again. Being a callow youth he turns away and the lady, now old, dies alone. He gave her one last experience of not being alone before her final end and the experience taught him not to be so tough on his Mum and her new partner. How many people out there missed their match? They walked away at the last minute or neither plucked up the courage to go and talk to each other?

I used to be bemused by those 80 somethings talking about having met one night at a dance and having known from that time. Does that really happen? Yes. But love has no schedule and we don't have to see it when it does come. It is a beautiful thing to never be alone even when no one is with you.

Letting Off Steam

Things are still very mixed and when F picked me up from work, he found a stressed and unhappy me.

As we drove home, I said 'Take me to Godrevy'

'no, I don't want to eat chips'

'nooooo, I need to get out'

So off we went to the headland known as Godrevy. As it so happened he had put Little Dog in the back to come assist with the collecting of me, so she was overjoyed at the diversion.

The very last of the light was still in the sky, along with the tiniest sliver of moon. Just enough light to cast the huge waves in silver and navy. Huge sprays were sent up by the rocks as a glimmer of white in the gloom.

The sky was clear except for a band of cloud on the horizon above St Ives over the other side of the bay. So from silver and navy sea to the darkest mauve of the clouds, lit with the jewel lights of the towns, then above to the last light, nearly gone in a sky turning darker with each minute.

It was lovely. It will be cold later, as it is so clear. But then, with little wind, after the recent gales, it felt relatively mild. Most people didn't want to go out on such a night, so only one or two cars were up there and no other walkers. We were all by ourselves with no need to worry that we couldn't see what Little Dog was up to in the dark.

Nature is always there when I need breathing space. She is always there when things feel too much. When I am sad, or angry. She is also there when I am happy too. She always makes me feel better. I love her for that. So why, on such a wonderful evening, with so much beauty, were we alone?

Horses for Courses

Dogs have been breed for a very, very long time so that we have different breeds for different purposes. They are all still dogs and can inter-breed but their strengths and weaknesses are more obvious....

Collies and German Shepherds herd sheep.
Sight hounds hunt, from deer (deerhounds), wolves (wolfhounds), greyhounds (rabbits and hares) and so on
Jack russells and other terriers are used for ratting and going down burrows
Some dogs were bred looks, others to keep people warm and others as guard dogs.

Humans have a habit of doing this. We did it with horses, cows, sheep and anything else we domesticated.... No one would dream of asking a Jack Russell to take on a wolf, although it would probably have a go.... No one would expect a shire horse, such as a Suffolk Punch, to win the Grand National.

We humans did this but yet we still expect other people to be equal and have the same strengths. I am a brain rather than a brawn sort of a person. I got my current job on the basis of my ability to sit behind a computer and do all that stuff with efficiency and accuracy. I did not get this job on the basis of my physical fitness and stamina, and anybody who employs me for my physical fitness in my current state is frankly barmy.

Why does everyone have to be equal? Can't I just sit behind my computer and do that well? Why is the fact that right now, I don't feel like running around, which isn't really part of my job, an issue for some people? I am fit to be at work doing my job. I am not fit to be doing the things that no one would give me a job that focused on them anyway....

I am not saying I am being given a hard time but when people are stressed their private views become a little more obvious. if I had a broken leg or some such, no one would expect me to run around, although I might be able to with adjustments such as crutches. Being fat is a disability, most of the time I heft and buzz around with the rest of them but right now my disability is affecting me more strongly.

Let me. Let me be a brain right now who works a computer real good.... It is after all what you actually need me to do...

Sleeping Beauty

last night I had the perfect nights sleep.

The two nights previous I had been without F and I was cold in the night and didn't sleep so well. Little Dog did her best to keep me warm but well, there just isn't enough of her....

Last night I learnt and i got out my pink velour M & S pajamas. Bliss. I went to bed before F, which is fine. I get to sleep quicker without him. If he is there, I have to wait for him to be asleep and making his sleeping breathing sounds before I can sleep. Of course we don't always resist the temptation to chat either and right now maximising sleep is the name of the game.

So the night was warm and snug. And when i woke I had F to snuggle up to before we had to venture out of bed to the world of work....

Before Big Dog died, we only had the dogs up for cuddles, not to sleep but that all changed when Big Dog went to the big garden in the sky, the one that contains sofas and lots of warm snug places to sleep. At first Little Dog came up for that last snuggly quarter of an hour before we got up. Then sometimes, at the weekend we wouldn't get up at that time and she would come up anyway.

Over time she just got up onto the bed earlier and earlier until we could no longer pretend she wasn't sleeping with us. What put the nail in the coffin though was that she just couldn't understand the difference between the nights when F was working and those he wasn't.

At first it was awkward in some ways. You would wake up part way through the night and find dog where you needed to move your legs to, because you had cramp and just had to move. She has learnt though, exactly where to sleep in order not to get kicked or moved and all is rosy in and on our bed.

So tonight, I have to put up with the lack of F, but Little Dog will appear at some point after I have gone to sleep, probably as soon as I have gone to sleep. And i shall be snug and warm in pink velour. But last night was the perfect nights sleep.

About Face

I am not sure what to believe or which way to turn right now.

Work is downright bizarre. One second I don't feel valued, the next I feel like employee of the month (maybe slight exageration but you get the picture). I think there is just so much going on that what I see is the tip of the iceberg. I think it is going to take a while for me to really catch up with everything that has gone on. Possibly months... *laugh* I think the word confusing could be used and I am goignt o try and stop thinking and let it just be for now.

I am tired and there are changes and lots of work round the corner. There is possible overtime and possible redundancy. Such is the joy of working for a company with multiple divisions. In good times you all benefit and in bad times you all suffer - even if you have more work than you can manage and are turning a profit....

But yes, I am tired. my social life is trying to take off but I am stubbornly digging my heals in because I know I can't take it right now.... Not this weekend. Not yet. I also can't face reading blogs right now and am planning a catch up at the weekend. I want to curl up somewhere warm and practice being rather than doing. Little Dog is providing an extremely good example of this right now and I think I shall go join her.....

Friend or Foe?

Today... The things I expected to be bad were not and some of the things that were hard took me by surprise.

The H & S back to work thingy was fine and I have all the ear protection I could possibly wish for.

People's reaction to my return varied, quite a lot. One bad tempered chap from outside my department saw me and all the words shared were hello, but he looked sympathetic. One person from inside my department didn't hear me the first two times I said hello and when I said louder he responded but didn't look at me.

The people in my department who I thought were my friends, apart from one, proved themselves to be so. They didn't say a lot but they looked pleased to see me which to be honest, was all I needed them to do, big long conversations are not really my thing right now.

My best friend at work has always been my Boss and she is the one I feel has let me down. I can ignore some of the grumpy things she said to me while I was off. I can ignore the fact that there was way more text messaging than there needed to be, if she just paid attention to what I told her the first time. (no I can not tell you anything right now because, as I already told you, my appointment is for much later today and I already said i will call yoy as soon as it is over....)

The thing that really got my goat though wasn't even direct. It was very much indirect. Someone else is off right now with a chest infection but they have a named serious chest infection. They have not been off long as yet but there was my Boss arranging for someone to go pick up their sick notes and arranging for a whip round for a get well card and boys mag to cheer them up.

It hurt. I pride myself on being honest. I wouldn't expect a Boss to necessarily see and respect that but I do expect a friend to. So I guess the end result of this is that perhaps they really arn't much of a friend. The grumpy comments I could forget as there has been a lot of stress in their life but the lack of trust and faith in me, i can't.

The company I can forgive to, their procedures are not bad but the way my Boss sometimes implements them on a personal level is not so great.

So i am sat here feeling pretty tired and yucky and a bit down. I shall go in tomorrow and slowly people will forget I was off sick and things will return to normal. I am not sure I will forget that my Boss may pretend to my friend but that when it comes down to it, they are not.