The other day, the lovely Leone mentioned a few things that correspond with ear problems. The one that resonates with me is anger as I know I have long had an issue with it.
When i was seven i changed schools. I hadn't been happy in the previous one but I was even less happy in the new one. I started to have problems with my temper. Something would happen and I would see red and completely lose all control. My arms would windmill and I would hit anything in my path. Immediately afterwards I would be devastated and cry a lot.
This went for I don't know how long. Some of my classmates were amused by my temper and would deliberately try and make me lose it. I hated it. Eventually I got it under control. So completely that I just stopped getting angry. In fact I took it further than this.
I was desperately unhappy and decided that hard decisions were best made using logic rather than emotion. That life should be lived by doing whatever caused the least hurt. An ethical and moral thing I guess but one that tried to let me distance my feelings from my life. A little odd I guess for the average teenager.
I am not sure I was overly successful at this. Hard to say really. Certainly it didn't last as I was firmly emotional by the time I was doing my A-levels. Some of this philosophy has remained with me I guess and by thinking about these things, it helped me realise that giving people what they want is not always what is best for them, balance is the key.
Later on I began to realise that anger was strangely absent in me. I began looking at myself quite seriously because of other things that happened. I had counselling. At the end of one session, I was soooo angry, for no apparent reason. I went home and my man assisted. We took broken things outside for me to trash. Much fun. It wasn't enough though. So we had a a shouting and insulting row. It was so vile sounding that one of our housemates came from the ground floor extension up to our attic room to make sure we were OK....
A friend did an exercise with me where different seats in the room were different aspects of me and my anger so that I could in effect have a conversation with my anger by changing seats. This was a very powerful exercise and it really worked.
I remember that my anger was sad and it had been trying to protect me. It had been the anger of a young girl and it didn't understand that it was causing me more pain. I think I welcomed it back and tried to make peace with this part of myself.
It still isn't something I do very well.. I do grumping very well. I do frustrated very well. I do sad very well. I do happy pretty well too. But anger isn't something I do well, even now. I am not the most assertive. I can grumble behind peoples backs but actually getting proper angry with them, to their face.
Yes right now i am angry and frustrated with my Boss, but do I actually want to act on this? Not really. What is the adult way of allowing your anger to breath? Not sure really. If I am still repressed, then I am not as repressed as I used to be.... Maybe it isn't repression but control?
Working hard on the cottage
10 months ago
Anger is an interesting emotion for women. We are not supposed to express anger - it's not ladylike and if we do we are PMSint, we even do it to ourselves. Dismissing our anger, invalidating it by saying we are PMSing or the newest one we are PARAMENOPAUSAL. Do men ever excuse their anger or blame it on hormones? Anger tells us when our boundaries have been violated and we need to pay attention to it not react to it. I have had a difficult time with anger over the past fifteen years because for fifty-five years I did not get angry (or so I told myself). I was disappointed or upset or some other word I could use to replace the anger. I was NICE. Well, when we don't acknowlede how we feel eventually it starts coming out in inappropriate places and eventually I was a seething, boiling bundle of anger ready to explode at anyone and anything. I didn't rage or anything like that I just walked around seething and snapping. As I have begun to be honest about how I feel about things my anger is at a pretty reasonable level and I can not react to things but take time to work through it and then respond in a way that does not create problems for myself. So I guess I would say, acknowledge that you are angry, be honest about it, rant in private or with a good friend and then decide what is the best way of dealing with the issue without damaging yourself. Sometimes just the way you respond to the person who is giving you problems will change the relationship but you always have to honour yourself and look at your triggers. What did the person do that triggered your anger? What is your history with this paticular trigger? How did what the person did violate your boundaries?
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm rambing on here but I can really empathize with you because I have had such a difficult time with anger and finding a way to express it in a positive way. Anger is not bad, it tells us when our boundaries have been violated.
On the plus side, numerous studies show that angry people live much shorter and far less happy lives.
ReplyDeleteBut you don't want anger totally unavailable to you either.
I agree with Leone....we are trained from girlhood that anger isn't acceptable..which, of course, is utter horse-shit.
ReplyDeleteI have a terrible temper and had a lot of trouble with it as a child -- probably from not having been allowed to express it in a healthy way.
So yes, I can surely empathize as well on this one....I'm still not very good at letting people know I'm upset -- I do the grizzle and snap and snarl thing or else just bottle it up.....which of course, reaches an explosive point eventually....
xo