I still don't know what sort of page I need. My sense of where I am and where I am going is still undefined but not an issue. My foot is on some path but as yet I don't where I am headed. Things are happening but I am not doing much.

I have been ill again. I think my lungs are weak from last time and this latest cold has settled a little in my chest. I have little voice but feel alright really and have been at work. I actually got to walk Little Dog yesterday as I snuck out of work early, I desperately needed some air and that hasn't felt so possible recently.

So here we are on New Year's Eve. The New Year starts tomorrow. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. It feels as if this year has already turned into the next for me. As if it has been in a pause waiting to get going maybe but that the old year has passed. Christmas has also felt lacking this year.

I know it sounds as if i might be direly unhappy but really, everything is just ticking along nicely. The redundancy thing is not resolved but I don't think I will be going. I am not sure many people who don't want to go will be going as it happens. I am not sure staying will be a happy thing long term but let's just wait and see.

My creative juices have receeded as well. Fallow is the word. I find whenever I look at Amused Grace's blog, that I am very, very much feeling the mood of each new goddess of the week.

I want to say a big thank you to all my lovely blog friends and to give a huge apology for being so out of touch, both in not reading their blogs and not being forthcoming in my own communications. I am sure I will be back at some point but so much on this blog feels like baggage. The list of things to do will be gone but I like the list of books read.

So lets just sit back and see where my feet take me. So here I am, stepping in to the future.

A Fresh Page

Thank you all for your lovely words that show that you truly get it... It is I think all about needing a fresh page when your life turns a corner. This blog carries with it a whole weight of things, thoughts and tasks and it is time to start afresh. Or at least to shed the things I no longer need.

I do miss you all but I am not quite sure where I am or who I am right now but I am also not to fussed by that. When it all starts anew, you shall of course know where and when and how.

I am not the only one being hit by this turning. SO many things I love seem to be turning too right now....

The Seasons Turn

People often complain that so many companies do the whole redundancy thing in the run up to Christmas. That it does not fit the season. I am coming to disagree. The timing feels perfect, if you let it. The year is ending and so is this phase of employment. As winter progresses, I am in a lull, waiting for decisions to be made. With Spring I find myself growing into something else and by Summer I shall be grown into a new role or a new job and place. Things change and turn and what will be, will be.

I am finding that other things have changed as well though. Suddenly this blog feels dead to me. As if it's time is done. Maybe a new blog will start with the turning of the year. If it does, it might be somewhat different to this one. This one might not be ending, it might flower anew. Suddenly I am not feeling so witchy. Not that I lost my faith, just that it is showing s different face. I just am at the moment.

Don't be worrying. I am just walking a different path, listening to a different tune. I have yet to see what way it will take me. I am not unhappy, I am just going with the flow..... In fact there is a pleasure and contentedness all of it's own that comes with that.

Update

It all sort of sucks and is a little on the rotten side. Maggots roil under the surface and an information vacuum allows lies to spread. It is an ugly process at the best of times but it doesn't fell as if it is being well managed which just makes it worse. They should let us grieve the loss of our security and our family group with dignity and truth.

Outside of work, I am practicing avoidance and quite enjoying it too. World of Warcraft is fun all over again. Old friends, fun things to do and roleplay - story telling and acting on the hoof. I have even put my story telling to good use with some rather altered fairy tales adapted to the world of Azeroth.

Work is hard. Some people are angry and not entirely playing nice. Others are miserable and bring you down too. Others show good spirit and are still able to have a good laugh. I think you learn a lot at times like this. Mr Nice is not neccessarily so nice when he feels his back is against the wall.

In addition my role feels hard. My work seems to have gone through the roof and normal delays have been longer. I shaer my role with the Little Princess who is a temp which means she will be out the door sooner than any of th rest of us. Not a good motivational tool.... The last two nights have seen overtime and tomorrow will too.

Not sure what I need right now is more time at work but hey ho..... At least I have F. I don't have the worries some people have. I am so thankful for that. So unbelievably thankful.

An Ugly Word

The way things have been up and down at work began to make sense this week. My Boss's strange moods suddenly make more sense.

Things have gone bad. Very bad... and they are going to get ugly...

My company is ditching part of it's business that has been making a loss and this involves redundancies. It involves a lot of them. 40% of my team will go. We are one of three areas to be hit but other individuals have also been targetted and some have already gone. So now we get scored, given the opportunity for voluntary redundancy etc, etc.

Thing is, once you announce such things to customers, things tend to pick up speed. Those who may have been shown the door after Christmas, may now be shown the door before, who knows?

It is a nasty process. Friends go, teams get broken up and you face either job loss or a role that will likely prove hellish for a time.

I suspect I may not post here for a bit. I don't want to think or dwell right now. I want distraction and avoidance. I have more than enough time to be miserable at work and much of what I would have to say would not be appropriate on an anonymous blog....

I love you all dearly and will be back, so never fear. And I am alright, I think I am one of the lucky ones, whatever happens to me.