Being Me

So this is my first evening of no TV and no reading.... This is quite tricky and I have found myself being caught out a couple of times already!

F and I cooked a nice meal and then watched the end of a film on my laptop while eating. He then went of to do his thing, leaving me TV and book less. What to do?

I am in the process of a necklace at the moment for my niece but I can't carry on with it right now. I need some more glue, a special glue which can be precisely applied and is flexible once dry. I have some but the nozzle has come off making it hard to apply precisely, not that there is much left. The necklace is a celtic knotwork cross from a new book I have on ornamental knots for jewellery making (actually I have a series of three books and they are lovely). The knots are shown using braid rather than a string of beads. I have discovered the hard way that tigtehing these knots when tied with a string of seed beads is tricky... After several restarts I am going to try making and tigthening the knot in stags which will be far more complicated but at least I can glue and knot and then hide the knots.... So I am stuck on that.

Other current projects either involve going into my craft hole which is not a nice thought because it needs tidying or exercising skills I am not sure I have right now. I need to seal the edge of some cotton using embroidery thread to do something like they do for button holing. Not done it before though but must get on it....

So not feeling crafty and too stuffed and tired to do any thing strenuous...

I end up finding tunes on youtube and then I realise I have fallen into the reading trap as i am sat there reading about Kurt Cobain. Eek! What else to do.... I ended up making my first ever youtube playlist. So now I am sat here listening to it and enjoying it muchly!

I have found since I started doing TAW that I have realised I still have many of the same passions and tastes I did when i was younger.... This playlist is all grunge and alt rock mostly from about the time I did my A-levels (late teens). At that time I was a little goth chick with slight hippy and rock tendencies. So was my Sister.

When my family was down recently, I discovered my very young teen niece wants to go Goth. Having conversations about this with my Sis was amusing because my Sis doesn't want her to have black nail varnish... I don't see the harm but I am not in charge.

I decided to look up goth style and see if things had changed. They havn't really. There are new bands and things but it is still as I fondly rememebr it all. There is a newer cyber goth look which has apparently emerged from the crossover between goth and trance. It kind of hits me that i was there when that was happening, when it was all emerging. I was part of that. And I still love it all.....

i no longer have the desire to go clubbing in quite such exhibitionist clothing but I like the goth look and I still love that whole scene and a bit of grunge thrown in as well. I shan't be encouraging my niece to follow my wilder clothing ideas, for those she will have to wait till she has left home I expect, I know I did. But I can encourage her in other ways, I can help her express herself and her idea of style. I can look out my old goth posters including my lovely, lovely orginal poster from 'The Crow' and see if she wants them. I can look out some of my old accessories such as long gloves and black scarves and things and see if there is anything she fancies. This years pressies can have a black theme....

But what about me? How do I get where I want to be? Looking at the things I think would be fun (extreme and outdoor sports) as oppose to those i think are relaxing (crafts) I guess I really do need to lose weight. I can't start dressing like an 20 year old goth again, but I do need to find away to wear clothes I like rather than those the world seems to think plus size women should like. I can listen to the music I like more. Maybe if the TV isn't on then music can be. I so loved music, the first thing I would do when I woke up at that age was put some music on, closely followed by lighting up (I don not want that habit back!).

So I am going to clear out my wardrobe one night this week. I have it on my list of things to do anyway but it is a TAW exercise for this week. I have a wardrobe full of things I wore once I moved down to Cornwall and started to dessert my rock chick ways. They need to go. Even if I could fit into them, i don't want to wear them. My old tasseled tops and tie died shirts and long flouncy skirts are all long gone from years of wear. They have been replaced with casual office wear (ick) and jeans and t-shirts of no particular style...

I want me back.

Even better, F doesn't have any issues with the rumblings I am making. He seems quite happy to let me make cosmetic changes....

TAW Week Four

Buried Dreams

Five hobbies
rock climbing
caving
surfing
gliding
kite surfing

Five Classes
Clay sculpting
Sea kayaking
Drumming
Salsa dancing
Tai chi

Five fun things I would never do
Acting
Busking
Performance art
Tightrope walking
Juggling

Five fun skills
Scuba diving
Sailing
Carving
Singing
Guitar playing

Five Things I used to Enjoy
Horse riding
Badminton
Kayaking
Tai chi
Writing poetry

Five silly things I would like to try once
Sky Diving
Bungee jumping
Latex body painting (*laugh*)
Henna tattooing
Hot air ballooning

This is the week of reading deprivation and having had a weekend of book indulgence, well maybe it is a good time... Except that our old big TV recently died and got taken to the tip. We have been using our old portable. Last it blew up and made a nasty smell. So no reading our TV? eek! Can't help but feel fate is forcing my hand a little here.... To make it worse, F is doing lots of evenings this week...

My Ideal Environment
I love country and green and open spaces. I like techy things but not too obvious and in your face. I like well designed homes. I like windows that open both ways and heat exchange units which ensure you have constant fresh air without loosing heat. I like sustainable things such as walls using renewable materials like rendered straw. I like the handmade touch with sumptious fabrics, bright colours and interesting textures. I like a bit of funky stuff in there to, kitsch. Plants and views and open air but snug places too tucked away with a fire. I want lots of light. I want to be warm. I don't want other people, not part of my clan living on top of me. I like water and I find it soothing.

My Favourite Season
It is hard to choose between Spring and Autumn but I think I shall go with Autumn. Autumn is still fairly warm. I do not like extremes of temperature much. I love brisk walks on windy days on the beach. I love woods as they change colour. I love jumping in piles of leaves. I love it when Summer clings on a little and autumn is warm. I would rather have a wet Summer and a warm Autumn anytime... I love the harvest time. The inbetween time.

At 80
A trim, energetic lady who is often moving but still has an aura of peace and stillness. A Grandmother many times. A craftswoman. Someone with a wide range of interests and skills but who always has time to smell the roses and sit and watch the sky from her rocking chair on the deck. A person who nurtures and encourages those around her. Someone who always has something fun for the kids to do. Someone who always has several craft projects on the go, who has a house full of beautiful things made and collected. Someone who lived her life according to her values.

and the letter....

Dear Rose

Loose weight and have children. Not having more children sooner was always my biggest regret. I loved being a Mum and I love being a Grandmother to. Something frees you when you have others around and are the head of a clan. You spend too much time alone avoiding doing. Go do. Don't leave it too late so that you make your health bad. Go be an adrenalin junkie, you know you want! Stop making everything for others and make more for yourself too, you have a right to enjoy the fruits of your labours as well. Stop thinking about things all the time, just do, dance and listen to music more.... Know that you are loved, really, really know it and believe it.

At 8
I was into everything. Full of questions and life and spirit. I was the best tree climber. I spent a lot of time outdoors in my breaks at school, not always with others. Quite often not with others. I also liked books, even then and had begun reading voraciously. I knew no fear. I would have a go at anything. Pain didn't worry me. Fall off a horse? No problem.... I was helpful and keen, nothing was a problem. I drew horses a lot. I played patience. I watched old films with my sister because she didn't like to be alone. I never wanted a dull office job. I didn't want to work indoors. I laughed at the idea of having an office job.

Rose

What are you doing? get up early and go climg some trees, or some rocks or something and watch the sun rise. Go do a few things that could hurt but probably won't. Remember how it felt to push your body, to have a body you could use.... Quit that job and stop taking jobs in offices and get outdoors more. Where is your horse?

It seems that more of these tasks are about doing this week than just thinking and writing, so a few less nuggets for here. I consider my previous post to be one of these exercises in hindsight - that is definitely a situation I should have changed but havn't and I look at the payoffs as well....

Being Fat

I wanted to write a little about being fat. I want to articulate and put out there all the reasons why I don't want to be fat any more and maybe it will help with me changing that... F and I are going to join a slimming group. Not next week because he will be working but hopefully the week after that....

My Nan, my Mum's Mum, is a fit lady who has never been particularly overweight. An avid gardener, she has an amazing veg patch. Her diet has always been pretty good but despite this, in her twilight years she has developed diabetes. It doesn't cause much difficulty for her, she has to avoid doughnuts a little but she hasn't had to alter too much.

My Mum turned 60 and seemed to suddenly develop a list of health complications. She has been overweight ever since she had us kiddies. Now she has high blood pressure, underactive thyroid and diabetes. She hasn't, despite her best efforts, been able to control her diabetes without medication. Given the changes she has made to her life, I find this pretty sad. She is a nurse and she knows exactly where her diabetes could take her.

My sister has never been as big as me but she had a little excess. My Mum's health has spurred her into losing weight and she looks really good. My Mum had had a conversation with her and pointed out that she was at risk if she didn't do something, and so she did.... My family no longer have the conversations with me about my weight, they know I know and they know it is just too hard....

So how fat am I? Very fat. I am tall and broad so I get away with it a little in some ways. I can carry a little extra and people wouldn't really notice.

So what affects does it have on me? The one I hate most is that my ankles swell up. Most days by the time I get home and take my boots off my ankles are the size of balloons with ring indentations made by the tops of my socks. They hurt. It is a sign that my heart is having problems pumping and fluid is collecting in my extremities because my heart can't shift it.

My heart isn't working so well really either. I know my resting heart rate is phenomenal. It wouldn't take much exercise to push my heart rate through the roof. Sometimes i feel like it misses a beat, sometimes I have other strange sensations.

Breathing is obviously affected. If I exert myself I breath very, very heavily. Walking at a normal pace up one flight of stairs or a shallow incline is enough to do it.

I feel tired a lot of the time. I have no stamina.

My hormones are all over the place and sometimes they get very mucked up and my moontimes go all funny. I want children once we marry but would probably struggle to get pregnant as I am now.

I have a skin condition called Hydradenitus Surritiva (roughly - I know I can't spell it!) which cause my skin to break out in certain areas. I have had it thin or fat since I was seven. I know it improves when I am thinner, although it never actually goes. I am sort of used to the pain and discomfort but it would be nic enot to have it...

Getting comfortable can be tricky. Turning over at night requires a lot fo effort. I don't always fit in chairs very well. In the cinema I need my chair and both arm rests. My bum is huge so in straight back chairs I feel like I am reclining.

Then there is the issue of clothes. I hate clothes shopping. Most shops don't sell big enough sizes and the ones that do tend to have a bit of an old woman feel sometimes. I find it hard to get boots and things that fit. Buying pretty things that are comfortable as well is not always easy. Looking nice takes a real effort.

Reaching my feet to put on my shoes is tricky and requires a lot of effort....

Being fat restricts my life. I don't do a lot of things because I am fat.

So even though I have yet to develop any serious complications it still affects my life, a lot. And I will develop complications and I will develop them younger than my Mum because I am much, much fatter than her.

Why am I fat? I comfort eat. I like the sensation of a full stomach. I use sugary foods to boost my energy levels. I also think being fat is in itself a protective thing. I don't want men to fancy me. I don't want the hassle that comes with it. I don't get sexual innuendo or inapropriate behaviour or men behaving oddly because they want to go out with me. Other women i work with do. I see it. I don't want men touching me uninvited. I am precious about my personal space.

But I can't let my fear ruin my health and my life. It has to be time....

Soul Sister

This is a new award.

A special award.

It is not one that gets passed from person to person to person in a long chain.

It goes to a person and then stops there.

Some other time someone else decides they want to award it to someone and they can come and borrow it and gift it to their Soul Sister.

There is a rule to this.

You must write about the person that you are awarding it to....

So how am i gifting with this award?

Anyone who knows my blog well can probably guess....

Mel


I started writing this blog some time ago now and I had no connection to any other bloggers to begin with. I found some big blogs but didn't form a personal link of friendship with the writers. I pressed the next blog button a lot and found many blogs I couldn't read and many that were not of huge amounts of interest to me.

Then I found Mel.

On the surface, at this time, her blogs were not quite as they are now. There was no witchiness evident. Nothing obvious to keep me there, except that we spoke the same language... But there was something. I have no children and I had never heard of unschooling. I was still drawn. I remember there being one picture, which I can not now find, where a little Bast figurine could be seen. A hint...

So I left some comment love and i got some back.

We became firm friends and she remains my best blog friend. There is much in our lives that seems to mirror. Sometimes the mirror isn't perfect, she has strengths where I have weaknesses. Our paths seem to run roughly parrallel and the things we work on often help the other, often unexpectedly.

From the beginning I have felt at home with her and at ease.

She is always there for me. She always fills my life with light and love. She is my Soul Sister.

The Root of Woman

This post has accumulated slowly and simmered a little inside my head....

***

At work I am in a mostly male environment, however there is a little cluster of ladies of which I am a part. Not surprisingly there is sometimes a little banter. One term which has come up a few times over the last few months is witch. The connotation is always female, sometimes ugly, or old as well. Sometimes the witches are found in groups. They tend to be of some irritation to the men folk around... They don't know I am a witch.

***

As part of my aim to watch half of the best 250 films, I recorded and watched Rosemary's Baby. I knew nothing about the film before I watched it and so was a little surprised by what I found.

Obviously I was a little incensed by the way they confuse and muddle satanism and witches. The people in the film are obviously satanists. I have never met a satanist and I am not sure I would be overly fond of them if I did. but they are very different from witches, very, very.

As I watched the film it was increasing obvious that this was a film about the evils of separating a woman from her womanhood. Defiling a woman. Separating her from family and friends. Not allowing her contact with other women. Separating her from the world and her womanhood, taking away all her power.

So much insight and it just didn't sit right that a film that got so much right about what is (has / could) be done to women could be so wrong about witches. I think this 'mistake' was a sign of the times. A sign of what was acceptable.

The film may appear to be a horror about satanists but it is more than that - it is actually about the wrongs done to women.... At least I think so, what do you think?

I can't quite fathom the film, were they trying to highlight what is done to women or were they trying to cut women off from finding their sisters in witchiness?

***

It seems to me that the cultural associations of a witch are so much about putting women down. About not understanding her connection to her sisters, about making her conform, about making her a tool for the satisfaction of men, about taking her power, about making her a slave be it as wife or mother.

Men have taken this thing that is so much about feminine power and sisterhood and polluted it to stop women claiming it. I have claimed it but I don't publicly make that claim. I think my colleagues would be embarassed if they knew. I suspect it would also offend their feelings of male control and power.

***

And they do have feelings of male superiority, they just disguise them most of the time. Current situations at work have exposed, slightly, to me anyway, one colleagues difficulty in accepting women above him. He has a lady boss right now but now has the opportunity to stay in his job with a new boss, parallel to his old team or to become the boss of that parallel team, equal to his old lady boss.

He knows I was capable of applying for the boss job and that I didn't. I might even have stood a better chance of getting it than he does, who knows. I certainly am more academic and have way more qualifications. His attitude to me has subtly changed since this job was advertised. It has definitely changed towards our boss. i don't like it. I also don't entirely like what this reveals about this otherwise lovely chap....

Women are not equal. men still put us down. We have claimed equality on their terms. We need to claim equality of our own. The right to be women. The right to connect with our power. is this the next revolution in feminism?