End of the Road

I guess this is a good bye post.

Not just a good bye though but the consideration and explanation that has developed since I actually went....

I am a Libran. I have two distinct sides of everything within my personality. I am mostly one thing but every so often my balance flips and I am something completely different. Sometimes those things are complete opposites and people can find this a little bewildering. Heck, I do to sometimes.

I am scientist. I am rational, logical, analytical etc etc. In being that, I think I had neglected the other side of me for a while, the spiritual, creative side. The logical bit hadn't got me where I wanted to go either, life had not quite worked out the way somehow I thought it should.

Last was, I think a reaction to these facts. That other side of me needed to come out and play. To be top dog and the number one focus. It was long over due and I was pissed off with being logical and blah de blah, where had that gotten me?

So that was what last year was all about, creativity, nature and spirituality. It was a lovely year and I learnt a lot. But something was missing, some spark of excitement, some something. The lists helped carve my life into what I wanted it to be, a more perfect me, with a perfect life. All very worthy and lovely. And it was great....

But I can not stay in that spiritual place, not all the time, my logical side can't live there, so I can't either. Now you might think this means everything spiritual has gone. It hasn't. it is there but back held close. I still see magpies and read their omens but it is just a part of me. My logical side can ignore it, just part of life. All of the little things are just there now, they have been assimilated back into me.

I may find my self rhyming a few words and saying them with intent on occasion. Last year that would have been a spell and something to really think about and pore over. This year it just is.

Last year I wanted to become things other than I was. I wanted to be a witch. I wanted to be a crafts person. I wanted to be so many things.... well read, well traveled, well everything. I am not a witch, I am nothing with a label apart from my name. My spirituality is my own, even if it is not on overt show any more.

And being a Libran I can affect this shift with little more than a blink of an eye. I could feel it coming though, but I had no idea what it was exactly. but I am back to being the person I was before, almost....

It leaves me a little uncomfortable with some aspects of last year. Some of the directions I was going are ones I would shy away from very heavily right now. And i can't but help think this is the way things are supposed to be for me. All the things where I was going to make some commitment, have some real deep starting on this path, just never quite happened....

The witchy friend who visited was not able to spend any real time with me as I became very ill. The shamaness who was going to start tutoring me via email a little, never quite got round to beginning. The group I started to pursue such things and look at doing the Witch Alone book failed, in part due to the actions of a friend who could have supported it but chose instead to detract from it. All these little things, now seem to me to be lifes way of stopping me from traveling a path that is not really mine. And really, it isn't...

It was like a holiday path.... A time away....

Apart from time to bring my spirituality out and play it gave me a few other wonderful gifts. Most notably, writing....

As I have mentioned before, I pay the highly adictive World of Warcraft and I roleplay my character. My new character has developed an entire story and personality of her own. She grows of her own accord, like my stories do. Every so often I reach a part of her story which sings to be written down and I do. I never knew where my writing would take me and that same spirit lives in her, I never know where she is going to end up either.

i love this story side of things. Chance events and interactions with other characters alter her life. A friend choosing not to date someons and persuading her that she should go out with him instead has somehow ended up in her capturing the heart of one of the most notorious womanisers on my server. Not something you could predict. (they are not a womaniser in real life, it is just this one particular character that is)

So writing lives on, I am creative, I am spiritual.... Just not in the same way as last year. This blog is a slightly uncomfortable place for me now. It doesn't fit me well any more, not at all.

I love all the dear people I have met through it and my rejection of this blog, may feel like a rejection of you. It isn't (but it may well look like one *sigh*). I just think that with this side of me, sort of going back in it's box, so many things associated with it have gone with it...

I will try and keep in contact with some of you via email but I have to admit I am pretty bad at keeping in contact....

And some of you may think this a strange way to be, but it is not new to me. I walk through a door and i tend to let it close behind me... New jobs, new homes, new areas of the world to live in. Maybe there is alittle bit of gypsy blood somewhere in my soul.

So I wish you all the very best *hugs*

Playing Games

Two days in a row!

I think my re-immersion in the world of gaming is waning slightly. It is no secret to me that I have previously had a gaming addiction. When you game it can take over. There is always something interesting to do. There is always someone around.

I stopped playing because I got bored. Because I wanted my life back. Things had happened and we had left our friends and gone to a different server where we were unknown. On returning we returned to our old server and found many old friends. The ones we liked less seem to have vanished and certainly have no impact on us now.

I am avoiding progressing through the game too quickly because my issues stemmed from that. Raiding is an activity where a whole bunch of people get their characters together and go fight together. The people in the group take different roles, they have different strengths and weaknesses. For instance healers spend their time healing. I was a warrior and my role was tank. I had huge amounts of armour and my job was to make everything angry so it attacked me and not the less armoured people who could do lots of damaged. The healer would be tasked with keeping me standing and everyone depended on me.

A lot of tanks have big egos and at the very least they have enough certainty in themselves to lead the groups they are in. I wanted others to lead but was happy to tank. I never pretended to be an amazing tank and never wanted to be part of big raiding guild and be their main tank. A lot of people would love that. Not me.

My trouble began because I found myself in a guild (a group of people affiliated with each other for things such as raiding) that wanted to raid and wanted me to be right up there with them. I was not up to it and slowly crumbled under their attentions.

So now, here I am again and the initial grip of the game is waning. Enough so I am back in control. I can turn that computer off or do other things on it. Like read books and things. Go for walks. Whatever I want.

I happily put myself back into this. With everything going on, a little immersion and avoidance seemed like a good thing. It has been a good thing for me right now. I wish I was so sure this return was a good thing for F though. I am not sure being sat at a computer in the same room as him, also sat at a computer is really together time. Things will turn in their circle though.

I have found my time blogging and all things I did because of it has helped my game playing though. I do roleplaying. My characters are separate from me, with their own stories. I am finding that their characters and stories are flowing far more easily, they have a life of their own. My current character is different from previous ones because she is not just a version of myself. She may draw on previous experiences of mine but her story is her own and I have no idea where it will take her.

I just want my life to be balanced and I see no reason why a little gaming can't be part of a healthy life.

This year I am asking for nothing. I have no expectations. I am not trying to do or be or achieve anything. I did lots of that last year. Not that that was wrong but this year is a very different year and the path is going to go some very different places. I am not saying it is going to be a bad year. The past few years have been a bit samey, but everything in me says this year is not going to be the same. I think many things are going to happen this year and I don't know what or why or anything but there is something about this year. I have the sense that this year is going to be different. A little gaming will not interfere with my path but it might make things easier. Wonder where I am going. Maybe nowhere. Maybe to Timbuktu.